Thoughts....(2nd journal)

[Snookiebookie2]

I often crave attention.   During my regular fantasing, it involves receiving that attention.  The fantasies usually involve some suddenly realising that I'm a smashing person and that they have overlooked my talents/beauty/charms/wit. And that once they've seen the real me they're totally enthralled with me.

It's a sign of how little I'm noticed in real life. It's no sign of how invisible I am. How insignificant people think I am.

We don't crave what we have. We crave what we haven't got, what we've never had or what we've lost.  I've never been the kind of person who people gravitate to. I've never been instantly noticeably or likeable.

My fantasies show what I'm actually lacking.  And when you boil it down, it comed down to approval. 

I do have some approval in life. But it's usually earned after some time.  For instance I had some work colleagues who were stand offish, but over time  as they spent time with me they became friends.  They  said that I'd changed (the sub-text being as I'd changed they now approved of me). I hadn't changed. They'd just gotten to know me and their opinion had changed.

As discussed in previous posts, I just don't seem to fit in.  The perennial square peg in a round hole.  It's not what I want or need. 

I don't think it's something that I can consciously change or do anything about.  I am just like that.  I genuinely lack the skills and knowledge of how to be with people.   I think I've heard it termed arrested development.

At 48, I'm less socially skilled than the 16 and 17 year old office juniors!  I've often felt triggered by how comfortable they are with other work colleagues. 

Is it any wonder that  when feeling so out of step and awkward, that I'd retreat into a well rehearsed fantasy of being approved of.

I've heard that thoughts can generate the same emotions as an event.   This is true of flashbacks.  So when I retreat into fantasy, it is generating positive emotions, sensation and hormones.  That's a nice counterbalance to the feelings that real world has to offer.

In the absence of outside reassurance and approval, my fantasy world is sometimes the only validation I get, that actually I'm okay. Or sometimes better than okay. And in my really indulgent times, I can allow myself to fantasise that I'm special...well to someone.

I also think at the heart of my daydreams, I'm hoping someone will come and save me. Will come along and suddenly the world will be okay. They'll protect me from all the horrible stuff. They'll make me feel better.

Again, all the above things, are things that I crave because I never had them.   I still yearn for them.  So often I feel empty and hollow. And disconnected and isolated.  Just wanting the warmth of approval and being noticed.

[Not Alone]

There have been times in my life when I tried to meet my needs via fantasy. It makes sense to me that you use fantasy to generate feelings of being known and cared about. Sending a virtual hug  , from a real person, who cares.

[Snookiebookie2]

Thank you Notalone. Your virtual hug and understanding was appreciated x

[Snookiebookie2]

Yesterday, one of my old school friends posted a picture on Facebook. It was a picture taken at an 18th birthday party...so 30 years ago.

I noticed that there was a strange mix of people. People who hadn't been in the same friendship group at school.  It then struck me that I probably wouldn't have been included in that group. I had left the town by the time the photo was taken.  But it felt very clear and real to me that I'd probably not be part of the group. I was, and am, different.

Even spanning 30 years I thought that I would have been anxious and awkward. That square peg in a round hole again!

I then noticed that they all looked quite grown up and comfortable in the photo. Thinking back to me at 18, I was a bit of a goth or a rock chick.  I WAS different. 

I felt two conflicting emotions. I was sad - because of my inability to fit in or make friends. But I was happy - that I'd recognised what I was feeling. And that I was kind of accepting of me being different.  She also because I was uncomfortable where I was at 18, but I was much more happy in that place than if I was in the photo with my old school friends.

It did make me realise that I'll probably always be a bit odd around others. That is good and bad. Bad, because of the pain it causes. But good because I recognise it and kind of accept it.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snook,

personally, i haven't been one to fit in too well, either.  different perspective on the world, different sense of style about myself. for me, tho, it seemed to grow to greater proportions the older i got.  the more i learned, the less i fit in.  i just hope you're more comfortable now with who you are, and can find it in you to approve of yourself.   i think that kind of individuality is pretty special.  you are pretty special.

keep being you, ok?  i agree with you that people often change their minds about accepting others because of their own reasons rather than what we're doing or being like.  when they allow themselves to take the time to look behind our outward appearance, they find a person who they didn't see at first. sending love and a hug full of self-approval.   

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi San

Many thanks for your reply and hugs X

I am taking fairy steps towards acceptance.  I can accept why others don't warm to me.  I am different. But as for accepting myself.... That's a work in progress.

Low self esteem, an active inner critic and shame all get in my way of self acceptance.  And fear too - fear of standing out or being ridiculed.

For now accepting that I am different - unique - is where I'm at. No-one has had the same journey as I have.  I also accept that I have CPTSD and that makes me act and think a certain way.  I am working on liking myself and of breaking my CPTSD traits.

[Snookiebookie2]

I feel like hiding. On turning and walking away from the world.    No, I'm not triggered, just tired. Suffering from a bit of fatigue. World weary.

I've spent the last few days feeling intensely irritated with...well lots of people.  I've felt on the outside. Disjointed. Disconnected.  Like I'm being taken for granted.  You get the gist... I'm just annoyed.  Not necessarily in a CPTSD way...just in I'm generally fed up.  I just want to tell the whole world to go and get lost.

So time for a bit of self care.  I'm snugged up in my dressing gown with my Bluetooth headphones on listening to music.  I love my headphones - perfect for cutting off the world and enveloping myself in a bubble of music.  It's a cool way of me feeling and experiencing what makes me who I am - my choice of music. It's a shame I can't use my headphones at work - shield me from all the rubbish chit chat and politics that drones on.

I remember at 15 I discovered the joys of a Walkman - being able to take my music wherever I went. And being in a warm, safe bubble of my favourite music.  It was one of the first signs that I was different to the other girls in the playground.  First that I had my headphones on most of the time. And second was my choice of music. I didn't join in the conversation, or join in signing the most popular songs like my schoolmates.  I suppose that was why they didn't bond with me as much as other people.  They must have thought I was odd and not interested. I was just coping with what was going on in life and my head.

But tonight, I need some time out with my headphones. The world, people in general have drained me. I'm jaded. I need to recharge.

[Snookiebookie2]

Early  hours of the morning.  I've woken up because I'm feeling shame.

It's been an uncomfortable week at work.  I am feeling inadequate and worse still that I'm a bad person.  I've noticed that feeling that everyone must dislike me. That I take up more room than I deserve.

This is the beginning of an anxiety spiral.  It's the confines of my CPTSD closing in, tightly around me.  Recognize it for what it is.

I'm off to listen to some talk radio - which is a great distraction. In the hope that in trying to concentrate on the words, it lulls me to sleep.   And by resting/sleeping I'll feel better and stronger in the morning.

Oh and hopefully the cat will come and have a snuggle.

Night all x

[Hope67]

Hi Snookiebookie,
Hope you were able to get some rest and sleep in the end, and also that your lovely cat might have come for that snuggle you mentioned. 
Hope 

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Hope

The answer was yes and yes.

I snoozed off witihn 15 minute. And my cat came to snuggle.   

As I am not working today I had a lovely lie in this morning too.

I don't feel anywhere as bad as I did in early hours

X

[Snookiebookie2]

I've begun to notice just how often I feel resentful. 

At first I felt bad about it.  I thought of as a low-level form of hate. But actually I think it's much more subtle and nuanced than that. I think it's a fear reaction.

For example, I recently had yet another tattoo.  And sent a photo to a friend of mine.  All my tattoos have significance and are important to me. But due to that, they can be a little bit dark and sinister.  They usually have skulls or deathly imagery involved.  They also include lots of pretty flowers. I'm intrigued by how beauty and ugliness sit together.   My friend made some observations about my tattoo and that was it.

On Facebook this evening a mutual friend had posted a pic of her tattoo which is a flower.  My friend was gushing in her praise of this.  But she'd barely noticed my tattoo. And bam!  I felt white-hot resentment.  upon noticing it, at first, I thought I was hateful. A horrible person who hates everything and everyone. Someone who wants to destroy.

It was after thinking about my resentment that I understood it.  I am aware enough to know that the mutual friends tattoo is more 'acceptable' and easily understood.  That mine are a bit odd, unique to me. 

It was then I realised.  It was my inner child feeling rejected. My inner child was having the resentful reaction. Because once again I was overlooked. Once again my needs were not being met. I was fearful of being ignored and shunned. I wasn't like others (another repeating pattern).

In that context it was totally understandable.  I was in an unconformable place again.  Both my parents and my brother never approved of the things I liked and they expressed their disapproval regularly and loudly.

It set me thinking that approval might be the antidote to my resentment.  Approval means inclusion. It means positive feelings.  It means I'm not substandard or rejected, or judged, shunned, or disliked. 

But after 48 years and many years of therapy, I know that approval won't appear. Life isn't going suddenly change.  My therapist has often said that approval must come from me.  I find that hard.

However, I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling resentment. It may be useful to let my inner child know that I approve. 

My tattoos may seem a bit odd to others but to me they are reminders of what I've been through. They're also god damn cool! And definitely not boring either.

[Not Alone]

Very significant insights. 

[marta1234]

Snookie, I wanted to repeat what notalone said, that this is a very good insight (if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't have had the courage to see the truth in things  ). And although it's a sad insight, I'm sending you much support for having the courage to realize what it actually is . 
I also wanted to add that I'm sorry for society stereotypes and misconceptions of tattoos. I'm for sure that your tattoo looks amazing because it has a special place in your heart, and that's all that matters. But I do understand that for people to appreciate more complex drawings, tattoos, etc. , you have to be open to that darkness. You have to realize that it exists in the world. I hope what I wrote is ok, if not then no pressure to ignore  I felt sharing some thoughts 
Sending you support and lots of hugs, Snookie 

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Notalone and Marta

Many thanks for your replies. They're welcomed and appreciated.

[Snookiebookie2]

I'm feeling avoindant today.  That familiar feeling where I want to walk away from the world.  To become a hermit.

My CPTSD is at the heart of this feeling.   My inner critic is telling me I'm a bad person.  I'm aware enough to know the little devil sitting on my shoulder, whispering into my ear is a liar.  Or perhaps skewing the facts; telling my one side of the story.    I know something has caused this. To use an overused word,  I'm triggered.

Thankfully it's not a major event thats aggravating my symptoms.   As usual, with me it's a perceived mistake.  I got something wrong. Or to be more accurate I think I didn't get some quite right.   While this should lessen the feeling of inadequacy, the fact that I've fallen short of an expectation rather than completely messed up still means that I feel bad.

It's a sign that I'm improving that knowing I feel bad about falling short shows that I'm remorseful.  And being remorseful shows that I didn't intend any harm.  I am not a totally bad person.

Despite all this, my inner critic is still persuasive.  It tries to tell me that I must have purposely tried to cause harm - deep down it must have been my intention. Those seed of doubt are hard to avoid becoming an existential crisis.  This can lead to hours of ruminations with fears of who I am and fears of who is hidden inside. 

At times like this I just want to switch of my head.  At times like this I find it hard to function and interact with people.   It exacerbates the problem and makes me feel worse about myself.  I throws up, starkly, how different I am.

The differences are: how nervous and socially anxious I am. I don't  know tge social norms of how I should be - things that should be said and done and things that shouldn't. Or how I don't have a sense of who I am. Or how ashamed I am of who I am. Or equally thay there are many sides to who I am.  It also makes me see how unresiliant I am.  How modest my achievements are compared to other.  How emotionally reactive I am.  But also despite that intense emotional reaction how paralysed I am. How fearful I am.   How childlike and unlike an adult I am. How complex my thoughts and feelings are.

And when I see how different I am, it is difficult to avoid feeling shame. Although I have learned some acceptance in the form of awareness.   So the level of shame isn't as bad as it used to be.

When I feel like this then I want to withdraw.  I just don't want to be part of it all anymore.   I want to step away from responsibility. I sometimes cannot cope with responsibility, it feels such a burden.  A burden to get it right and execute things successfully.  An expectation.

I just want to withdraw and be me. Be me in a small, unassuming, quiet way.  With no drama or trauma.  No expectations. And therby no failure or falling short. That way I won't fall short of the social norms and feel bad about it. I can be just me and no one will be there to judge me by their standards.  It won't mtter who I am, how I act or react, or how I feel. If I could withdraw forever, it seems like a safe space. But sadly I cannot withdraw and have no more responsibilities.   I just hsve to survive this turbulence, once again.