Thoughts....(2nd journal)

[Snookiebookie2]

A couple of times recently I've noticed a certain side of me.  I can very very resentful.  This negative emotion always takes me by surprise.   I've previously mentioned that I actually think this is actually a voice from my inner child. She is telling me that she's lacking something that someone else has.  Something that she hasn't had, or that she's scared of loosing.

I've also noted that at times I'm quite judgemental of others.  I find this harder to rationalise.   I absolutely hate being judged.  I hate how harsh my inner critic is of me.  Yet often I can be judgemental of others automatically.  I'm wondering if this an extension of my perfectionism - that mentally I'm comparing others to my inner critics expectations.

I am struggling with the thought that I'm also the kind of person who wants to micro manage others.   That one doesn't sit comfortably with me.  I'm not a control freak, but I just don't want things to go wrong thats all. So there's genuine good intentions behind it.   

But then again, I'm not sure if I'm just beating myself up and finding sone negative things in my character and being super harsh on myself.  I am genuinely trying to be a good person and don't wish anyone harm. 

[Snookiebookie2]

I've thought a bit more about things over night.  I think my tenancy to micro-manage things is from a good source.  I'm trying to avoid problems in my life and in the lives of those around me.  It's driven by my generalised anxiety.   I possibly over think and see problems and am constantly trying to avoid them.  So it's got reason and good intentions.

However, I realise that sometimes it may seen that all I'm doing is picking fault. It could feel like a running commentary of what you haven't done right.  I'm sure that can feel undermining and could affect self esteem.  I'm projecting my perfectionism on to others.  That's part of who I am and how I survive. Again, it's got good intentions in that I just want the best for those around me and I'm trying to avoid problems.

However, I'm concerned how it does affect those around me.  My mother was very judgemental and was constantly putting her opinions on me. I don't want to be like her.  I don't think I am quite as bad as her.

The kind of thing I'm doing is checking my daughter is wearing her coat in weather ("you don't want to catch cold").  Or that she keeps an eye on the time I'm the morning ("You don't want to miss the bus").  Our she looks after herself ("A healthy balanced diet is important").    So you can see that I'm saying these things from a caring place. Whereas my mum would criticise me unsolicited. She'd criticise my hair "you don't want a centre parting, no-one has a centre parting because it's old fashioned". My clothes - "You should wear a maxi dress, everyone is wearing them. Why don't you get one, instead of always wearing jeans and t-shirts". 

So you can see my mum's comments were attacks on me, whereas my comments are aimed to help.  However, I'm realising that it may come across as a stream of comments to remind my daughter what's she's doing wrong. It could be affecting her self esteem and her sense of who she is.  And That's not my intention. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to undermine her or effect her self esteem. The same is could be true of other people too.

I need to be more accepting and loving and less judgemental and micromanaging.

It's not a major problem, just a small thing that I do from time to time. It's been difficult to realise that I do this, but I do accept that it is something I do.  I can see ways of improving. The fact that I want to change the behaviour shows that In meant no harm and wasn't doing it intentionally.

[Not Alone]

Those are really big insights. 

[Snowdrop]

Big insights indeed. It comes across that you're coming from a place of care.

[Snookiebookie2]

You may know from my posts that I'm frequently challenged by situations. These are quite triggering.  I've noticed that my default mode is to blame myself and assume it's all my fault. I feel like a bad person.

In the last week, unusually, both my husband and daughter have had their own challenges and have felt pretty upset.  I've noticed that they do the same. They feel like they are a bad person.

When something bad happens to us we obviously feel a range of emotions - guilty and shame to name a couple. But then our brains add to that - it adds meaning. It tells us we're inadequate or that we're stupid. It automatically lays a story over how we're feeling.

To make matters worse, our subconscious then seeks out all the other times we've felt this way. It finds evidence for the story. So if you're feeling inadequate, it'll somehow connect to all the other times that this has happened.  This becomes a chain of wrong-doing that weighs us down.  It can be a slippy spiral downwards.

I think that those of us with CPTSD have a larger collection of those bad moments to join together in a chain.  I wonder if this is why we end up in the spiral more than others. 

I know that when I'm triggered, in a situation where I feel that I don't match up to expectations, that I fear the tidal wave of self criticism that will come. It's bad enough to feel bad about the current situation but to have my brain bring up all the other times that I've felt like this is the worst. 

I'm not sure if it's just unresolved trauma my brain is bringing up. Or flashing back to times when I've felt the same emotions. Or even my inner critic having a field day and chucking as much rubbish at me from my past.

Whatever it is, it feels to much to deal with, on top of whatever is going on.

I was able to speak to my husband and daughter and ask them to focus on the here and now. I asked they didn't make mental lists of all the other stuff that had gone wrong or of their perceived faults.  I told them they weren't bad people.  I hope it worked.

It was quite interesting to see rumination happening in two people who are relatively emotionally stable.  I'm not sure if it'll help the next time that I'm triggered though.

[dollyvee]

I came across your post about not being recognized at work and wanted to say this used to trigger so much in me. I was being questioned and felt like I was constantly being given a hard time I do work in a mostly male dominated field and there's even a documentary about how wide spread the gender discrimination, but recently came across this instagram post about how much discrimination women do face at work. It's really helped to shift some of the "it must be me feelings." Although, does increase the despair at the state of the world feelings 

https://www.instagram.com/p/CGcSscYsRPJ/?igshid=i6zuo67762lw

[Snookiebookie2]

Hi Dollyvee

Thank you so much. That post was fascinating.

Sadly, though, I don't think it's the cause of my experiences at work.  There are more women than men in the office. Some women are recognised more than others.

I feel it is a case of whether 'your face fits'.  Whether you're considered to be part of the crowd.

The Crappy Childhood Fairy posted a video on YouTube this week about behaviours of people with CPTSD that can push others away.  I think we do exhibit conscious and unconscious signs that can separate us from the crowd.  It's a coping mechanism.  And by keeping myself from the crowd, they become wary of me. By trying to hide from them, I become invisible.

I can understand how it works. I frustrates me a little that my actions and results don't speak loud enough to be noticed it rewarded.

[sanmagic7]

hey, snook,

i don't doubt you're right about how our traumas can pile on thoughts, images, memories, feelings     once something triggers us in the present.  it makes total sense to me. i had a day like that earlier this week, and it knocked me on my butt - i felt disturbed, out of sorts, like being buried under those falling bricks. and it was caused by catching myself before  i'd actually done an old behavior!  so, it was the thought that i almost repeated something from my past that caused me to have an entire day lost.

we can't underestimate this beast i call c-ptsd - it's insidious, many-headed, and always lurking.  i hope you are able to remember what you said to your H and D next time you're triggered. also want to let you know we see you here, and hear your voice.   sending love and a hug filled with visibility

[dollyvee]

Hey Snookie,

I'm sorry that you're not having a great time 

I know from my own work environment that besides the outright sexism, it's also not filled with authentic ppl who are empathetic to someone going through CPTSD. I had a colleague tell me he needed to take a mental health day. No one ever takes a day off, let alone for something like that! I understood though, and told him that and that's good he recognizes he needs that. He told me I was the only person (besides his gf who is a mental health first aider) that has said that to him. Maybe it's different in your work environment. While we all have our faults, I hope you don't take it all to heart 

From what you've said in your other post, you've contributed a lot to your company 

[Snookiebookie2]

San and Dollyvee

Thank you so much for your contribution.  I really do appreciate it.  I feel seen and heard.  But most important I feel validated and understood.

I spoke to one of the people I work for a couple of weeks ago.  He has always held me in esteem and told me he is to  nominate me for employee of the month.  I've made lots of progress this last couple of weeks too.  It'll be interesting to see if the management selects me as the winner this month. Or if I am being overlooked or ignored.

It's still nice to know that there is at least one person out there who appreciates me and my work.

[Snookiebookie2]

Yeahhhhhhh

I've been awarded Employee of the month!!! Whoop whoop.

Finally, feel like someone noticed me

[Snowdrop]

Hooray! Well done Snookie!

[marta1234]

Congrats Snookie! That's great  You always have deserved it, happy you finally got it. 

[Hope67]

Hi Snookie, that is great news!!!  Congratulations!!!   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Happy for you Snookie