Three Good Things Today - Part 7

[Blueberry]

Way to go, Pioneer!
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1) The sun was shining today
2) The advertising decals finally came today and got installed on my business windows
3) I'm not moving forward on lit. translation yet, but in a lot of smaller ways I AM moving forwards
4) I made myself a huge pot of soup with all the left-over veg and also with the lentils I recently bought for that very purpose

[Blueberry]

1) It's a lovely sunny day, balmy and warm for Nov. Had all windows in my apt open to air, and now my office window.
2) I have got various bits and pieces done, both private and business
3) I also passed various things I no longer need on to a friend, who does need them. I like getting rid of things that are otherwise taking up space 

[Violet Magenta]

1. Sometimes it's up to me to take care of myself. And today it felt great.

Last night was an important lesson in self-soothing. I just had to accept that my partner's own well was dry. I felt anger, resentment, despair, blame, abandonment. I was avoiding him, because I didn't want to feel such discomfort and anxiety again. At last he asked if I was punishing him. But I just didn't want the pain, feeling like I couldn't handle any more. I was able to express this to him to some extent today, noting that both our wells are quite empty at the moment. We need each other, but we don't have a lot to offer just now. Both of us acknowledging this helped immensely. My anger and resentment towards him dissipated, and his resentment feelings seem to have dissolved as well. I can be in the same room with him now without having EFs, or fearing major EFs because he might enter the kitchen while I'm cooking!

2. "All enlightenment is making rice."

I can't recall the source for this koan, but it's one I particularly like. Today self care involved making ramen for lunch. I caught myself rushing for no reason, muscles tensing, my inner critics spurring me to "hurry up." Pete Walker describes a very similar experience of his own in The Tao of Fully Feeling. It's great to know I'm not alone in this aspect of recovery, where you try to do something nice for yourself, something enjoyable, but your critical voices take it into an anxious place. For me the critical voices are often very hard to detect clearly, but they're very much there and near-constant. While cooking, it might be something like, "*! Hurry up, hurry up! Let's go! C'mon!" There might be name-calling and worse swearing as it amps up. Cruelty over time pressure is a big one for me. So there are many opportunities to work on noticing, feeling and slowing down throughout the day. Mostly the rushing is entirely needless and counter-productive, only making me so anxious as to be less effective in whatever it is that I'm doing. Instead: practice being truly present while "making rice" and then choose a kinder and more mellow attitude to hold the activity in the moment. Today I can see that I'm getting better at it.

3. It's okay to reach out, and it doesn't have to be perfect.

I made plans to go for a walk with a good, supportive friend this week. She knows I'm going through a difficult time, so she's been opening the door to me, but I've been putting it off with, "too busy" and "not feeling well." The thing is, here is this good friend, and it will feel good to connect in person with her! Why not make that a priority? She will be forgiving that I'm not at my best. Now I'm looking forward to it, instead of feeling anxious about it.

With each of these three good things today, I'm feeling less alone, and more at peace.

[Kizzie]

1. It has been three really long and difficult months but finally my H will be discharged from the stroke rehab centre this Fri. He is well enough to come home and continue rehab from home.  So much progress and now no more exposure to ongoing microaggressions from underpaid, overworked PSWs - such a relief for us both.

2. We will have home care and therapy (physio, OT) in our home at no cost to us (universal health care has it's cons but there are many pros - lots of free resources, treatment, home care)

3.  We have an amazing doctor who has been as concerned for me as for my H - actually has phoned a few times to ask how I am doing. 

[Blueberry]

Yay Kizzie! 

[Snowdrop]

Hooray!

[OceanStar]

1. Today I had an interview and I got the job. 

2.  I cleaned something without any hint of a flashback. Just a small section of floor but it feels like a MASSIVE achievement. 

3. I didn't go into 'attack  mode' when someone attempted to provoke me.

[Jazzy]

1. I made a really nice dinner for myself tonight. It was great to be able to cook without being too anxious about it.

2. Today is M's birthday, so I called her to say happy birthday, and got through the conversation without too much difficulty.

3. Today is another day that I have been clear minded enough to be able to enjoy food, music, etc.

[Not Alone]

Congratulations on your job, OceanStar.

[Blueberry]

Congratulations on all those steps, OceanStar! I sure know about flashbacks during cleaning.

[Blueberry]

1) I managed to cycle all the way up a steep hill where I thought I'd have to push my bike.  I felt invigorated afterwards too

2) A student brought me a Christmas goody bag from his family to the final lesson today

3) I managed to get to my doctor's on time, despite leaving the house a lot later than planned

4) I bought some much-needed new clothing today in 3 different shops, including having to use changing rooms in two of the shops and I felt OK the whole time. No EFs. No energy suddenly disappearing. 

5) All the shop assistants were competent and friendly. The latter isn't a given here.

6) It didn't start raining till the evening, though earlier was forecast. No rain makes a difference when you're cycling.

[Blueberry]

1) I was able to start tidying and sorting before my cleaning help came which makes cleaning easier for her. So she was able to do more than usual including some jobs that have been waiting to be done for quite a while.

2) I continued tidying various very messy areas of floor while she was working and I felt so energised that I vacuumed and mopped those areas after she'd gone and even went onto tidying and cleaning further surfaces. Afterwards I still had energy to make myself a quick but healthy and tasty lunch

3) My apartment looks much better now and I feel better in it

4) I have done my imagination exercise twice so far today, all since the cleaning

[Bermuda]

1. I tend to set myself daily goals of things that I need to accomplish, usually an unhealthy habit, but i have completed my tasks two days in a row. Woo!
2. I feel that I've been bonding with my little one more. I can tell he is happy around me.
3. I've come out of my low point, obviously, I feel like I'm building my routine again.
Bonus: I ate a whole bag of spinach and arugula today!

Happy days.

[Blueberry]

1) I've been keeping going cleaning and tidying a bit here and a bit there since Friday. 'Here and there' brings forward movement too 

2) Just before I started making my lunch - a big pot of homemade soup - I felt exhausted and was going to boil up some ready-made pasta and maybe wash the remains of a lettuce. But then instead I got the energy from somewhere to make a healthier, tastier lunch than ready-made pasta plus lettuce remains but also an easier lunch than making homemade soup from scratch. I enjoyed my lunch. All sorts of different colours involved, lots of vitamins, also something hot. I also used up quite a few bits and pieces that needed using up e.g. remains of soy sauce - makes a bit of space on the shelf   

3) Good to realise now, a few hours later, that when the exhaustion came on or even before it came on that would have been a good moment to do my imagination exercises again. This realisation in retrospect will help me another time to understand what's going on  - mini-EF probably.

4) Opened my office shutters and windows for the first time in days so I could catch the sun on my inside window ledge to recharge my solar flashlight. At the same time I enjoyed the sun myself while I cleared up papers and this and that in my office.

[Taylor27]

1 Went grocery shopping
2. Took the dog for a walk
3. Got some house work done