Still on my way to healing!

[Rogue84]

Hey everyone! am Rogue84, from the Netherlands. Happy to have found this forum!

After having read The Body Keeps The Score by VanderKolk a year ago, i learned that what i have always wondered what is going on with me might be CPTSD. I have read bits and pieces on this forum over the past few days and am curious. I will now try and introduce myself a little bit.

Looking back, i think i’ve had anxiety for quite a while, i think it started around age 8 or so. I grew up in an unstable home (emotional neglect and ridicule, verbal and sometimes physical abuse) which has caused me to feel alert and frightened nonstop. As if i am missing an essential bottom layer of trust upon which to build up my life and my self. I find it hard to imagine what it feels like to feel calm. I also have vague memories of something done to me when i was a very little girl.

Experiences in my adolescent and adult years unfortunately made it worse, an abusive relationship with a narcissist and losing my singing voice (my emotional outlet) being a few of them.

What i find the hardest about CPTSD is that i feel unsafe in my own body and i mistrust it. I literally never feel safe. That combined with a lot of unexplained physical symptoms that seem to travel through my body (this has been going on for at least a decade), sometimes spins me into a knot of panic that can last for weeks to months. I am going through one of those episodes right now and i am at the point where i know something HAS to change.

Unfortunately in my country still very little is known about CPTSD, which caused me to be misdiagnosed for years. I have now decided to tell my therapist i need a different, more body-focused approach. It’s scary to start again with a new therapist and leave behind one that has never given up on me, but i feel deep down that this is the right decision.

What i hope to find here is to learn from others how they deal with this difficult condition and simply to connect with people who get it.

[woodsgnome]

It's very hard to step forward while feeling wrapped up in a bundle of crippling anxiety, but finally there's a time when one feels bold enough to reach out.

So welcome --  -- I hope you find some relief from that horrible feeling you described. It's a pretty lonely state of being, so I wish you well as you try and re-establish the worthy feelings you deserve.

[Kingfisher]

Hey Rogue, welcome to the forum!
So brave of you to reach out and write such an insightful introductory post, to which I can deeply relate (as undoubtedly many others here).
You can be sure to find many others here who 'get' what you went through, who 'get' the lasting impact of what you went through and I hope you will find all possible validation, recognition and truly, compassionately being-heard in this community!
You can be FREE here. Free to express yourself, to express anything you are facing or going through. Don't feel obliged, don't force yourself to post if you wouldn't be ready for it.
'something HAS to change', you wrote. I think joining this forum might turn out to be a first big step in a process of profound change.
Thank you for joining,

Kingfisher

[Kingfisher]

Bessel van der Kolk's book is great, I think, in providing scientific information and 'underpinning' of what trauma does to the human organism and that is validating in itself. I find it a bit too 'academic' too really work with, though.
Pete Walker's book 'Cptsd - From surviving to thriving' I find to be a very thorough, practical guide in this respect.
His website has many valuable articles too:
http://pete-walker.com/

Beverly Engel's book 'It wasn't your fault' (dealing with the profound shame we carry and ways to find and develop compassion for ourselves) is very good too I think.
Her website:
http://healmyshame.com/what-constitutes-child-abuse-2-2-2-2/

Both of them write from the heartfelt experience of survivors of (childhood) abuse; from the inside out, as it were.
Hope you'll find their work helpful.

Kingfisher

[Not Alone]

Welcome. 

I understand the feeling of fear and not feeling safe.

I changed therapists early this year. I understand that is a really sad and scary thing to do. For me, it has been a good move.

[Rogue84]

It's very hard to step forward while feeling wrapped up in a bundle of crippling anxiety, but finally there's a time when one feels bold enough to reach out.

So welcome --  -- I hope you find some relief from that horrible feeling you described. It's a pretty lonely state of being, so I wish you well as you try and re-establish the worthy feelings you deserve.

thank you so much for your understanding reply and your welcome! It made me feel heard.

[Rogue84]

Hey Rogue, welcome to the forum!
So brave of you to reach out and write such an insightful introductory post, to which I can deeply relate (as undoubtedly many others here).
You can be sure to find many others here who 'get' what you went through, who 'get' the lasting impact of what you went through and I hope you will find all possible validation, recognition and truly, compassionately being-heard in this community!
You can be FREE here. Free to express yourself, to express anything you are facing or going through. Don't feel obliged, don't force yourself to post if you wouldn't be ready for it.
'something HAS to change', you wrote. I think joining this forum might turn out to be a first big step in a process of profound change.
Thank you for joining,

Kingfisher

Thank you Kingfisher, for your kind and hopeful words. And also for taking the time with sharing some advice on reading material, i really appreciate it! I have bookmarked Pete Walker's website and will order his book (it happened to already be on my to-read list on GoodReads, coincidentally

[Rogue84]

Welcome. 

I understand the feeling of fear and not feeling safe.

I changed therapists early this year. I understand that is a really sad and scary thing to do. For me, it has been a good move.

hi Notalone,

thank you for your understanding. It is hopeful what you write!

[Kingfisher]

Good to see you back, Rogue!
Looking forward to hear more about the steps towards healing you are CLEARLY taking. Good for you!
Take care and take it slow,

Kingfisher