Parentification. Bizarre reversal of parent/child-'positions'. Possible TW

[Kingfisher]

Hi all,
I wonder if any of you had a similar experience...? (I hope not!)

When I was was around 14, my father, being ever more absent and 'furthering his career' (securing himself of necessary narcissistic supply, it was), being away from home in the evenings, returning late at night, ORDERED me to sleep in the parental bed... because my mother was 'so terribly afraid, terrified to lie there alone...'
And so I did. I don't remember to even finding that strange or inappropriate, then. I went to bed, before her, she 'joined me' later on, while my father, after coming home much later, would go to sleep in MY bed.
Is this bizarre, or whát?! A child being turned into his mother's tranquillizer...!
A child who, on a daily basis, got humiliated, got slapped and beaten, was subjected to heinous verbal abuse and annihilating criticism..., that child was made into this sort of 'human presence' to subdue his mother's fear.

The more I think of it, the more really sick it appears.
Anyone on this?

Kingfisher

[Not Alone]

I did not have that situation, but I affirm your assessment that what took place was bizarre. Probably a text book example of parentification.

[Kingfisher]

Hey Notalone,
Thank you for validating me on this!
Bizarre is júst the right word for it; apart from the profound unhealthiness on the emotional level that underlies it, of course.

[runnerbabe33]

While I can't entirely relate because my situation is a little different, I can say that yours is a totally a bizarre situation and definitely parentification. TBH any form of parentification is bizarre and nasty. When I was 9 my nMom forced me into a parental and counselor role for herself. I was told explicit details about her sexual relationships, and forced to be her advisor and blamed for her rocky marriage to my father and forced to try and "fix it" as if i was a relationship therapist. If I didn't or couldn't advise her to her satisfaction I would receive a "punishment" - which was usually a form of verbal or physical humiliation.  Super horrible and messed up. 

Hi all,
I wonder if any of you had a similar experience...? (I hope not!)

When I was was around 14, my father, being ever more absent and 'furthering his career' (securing himself of necessary narcissistic supply, it was), being away from home in the evenings, returning late at night, ORDERED me to sleep in the parental bed... because my mother was 'so terribly afraid, terrified to lie there alone...'
And so I did. I don't remember to even finding that strange or inappropriate, then. I went to bed, before her, she 'joined me' later on, while my father, after coming home much later, would go to sleep in MY bed.
Is this bizarre, or whát?! A child being turned into his mother's tranquillizer...!
A child who, on a daily basis, got humiliated, got slapped and beaten, was subjected to heinous verbal abuse and annihilating criticism..., that child was made into this sort of 'human presence' to subdue his mother's fear.

The more I think of it, the more really sick it appears.
Anyone on this?

Kingfisher

[Dante]

I didn't have exactly that situation, but I can relate to being forced to be my mother's advisor and confidant.  I had to listen to everything in her life (including her relationship with my father, and forcing/expecting me to take her side) while she steadfastly refused even to have the slightest interest what was going on in my life.  I don't remember her once ever asking her how I was doing or anything about me.  My father is gone and I'm in the role now (because I have poor boundaries, slow learner, and lots of residual guilt) of checking in on her - but I've finally learned to put the phone on mute, let her vomit for an hour and then hang up.

[Blueberry]

but I've finally learned to put the phone on mute, let her vomit for an hour and then hang up.

Way to go!  Every step in self-protection helps with boundary-setting.

[Kizzie]

I was in the same role too Dante - I was my mother's ever present set of ears to listen endlessly.  Never asked about me, in fact would talk right over top of me and bring the attention back to her. 

Just wanted to say that my guilt when I first starting distancing myself was massive, I had to keep telling myself I was not put on this earth the service her N needs, that I had a right to my own life, and that she would find others sources of attention (and N's do) although she would likely not go down without a fight (and she didn't but I stuck it out, shored up my resolve by coming here and to our sister site Out of the Fog). 

I was trained to be very responsible, to take care of others especially her so it felt selfish and almost dangerous truth be told because I had a lot invested in being the good daughter/person. Eventually over time she did find other sources and without me having to directly confront her. We moved across the country (yes, seriously) so I wasn't in range and did not have to run her here and there, visit, etc., so she had to look for other sources. 

My NB filled the role for a long time but then moved away about 6 months ago so it was a bit rocky at first but she's 92 and lives in assisted living facility so gets a lot of what she needs there.

She is hard of hearing so I don't have to deal with the phone calls thankfully, but I know the whole put it on mute while she dominates the conversation thing from when she could hear. 

KIndred souls.