Recovery notes #5000

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jamesG.1

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Recovery notes #5000
« on: October 09, 2020, 03:23:36 AM »
Very odd but probably encouraging new stage.

Had a lot of time to think recently, while working, something I'd not had in lockdown at first but which suddenly with a proper office in the garage I now have. My thoughts have been a lot not on the four people who did me so much damage, namely my ex partner, business partner, mother and brother... but the people surrounding them.  By this I mean the shared friends, neighbours and colleagues who were close enough to have a picture of the situation as it unfolded and the effect it was having on me.

This has been a real area of trouble for me, something that has kept the trauma alive for much longer than it needed to, and this is for several reasons.

Firstly, I think I was so shocked by my treatment as I became increasingly threadbare from stress and worry that I desperatly needed some simple recognition from those around me that something unusual was happening. And it was unusual, I was taking a level of ongoing stress that many would have buckled under a lot earlier, but there is that perversity that the stronger you are, the longer you take it, the more people think you should. By the time you start to crack, people are so used to your burned out state that they think that is who you are and you feel written off. Consequently, the recognition that you need doesnt happen. That hurt me. It still really hurts me. I left the madness finally for self preservation and thought they'd be there, and they wern't. They still arnt.

That said, I am also guilty of not seeing the support I did get, and those who have believed in me all the way through. There is a kind of blindness here which is really distinctive to C-PTSD. It seems to stem from shame, a shame that has been rammed into your perception by your abusers. Rammed is the word. Looking back there was an absolute onslaught from the four of them, and its no wonder that my logic got scrambled. They say it takes four positives to balance out one negative, and they are not wrong.

But the reality is that it was pretty much ONLY the four of them that did this. The more burned out I became, the more they did it, each independantly for the most part, all throwing me back at each other with an increasingly warped portrayal of me and my motives. And there's the irony, because I was doing nothing wrong, quite the opposite, I was doing way over the odds to present the most benign target I could, dropping my own needs totally in the hope I would get them to stop. Of course, all that does with narcicists is to encourage them to build new cases against you while you are in no fit state to put them right.

So, you long for freinds to step in. I know I did.

But suddenly, I don't.

I'm not sure why, but a few days ago something big changed in my head, and a lot lifted, and I'm almost certain it hinges on this point.

The thing is, that it doesnt matter, none of it matters, people don't matter. Unless they do, and there is the thing. Who matters is, for us, a choice. Accepting that some people are so flawed as to either abuse you, neglect you or casually right you off is important. Learning to seal that off in your head and move on is vital, and its hard, VERY hard, but maybe not as hard as it first appears. A huge part of C-PTSD I think, is bewilderment and outrage. You are like this one person in a crowd pointing at a dead man, while everyone else scurries past you without seeing. The shock needs to be shared because it makes no sense, so you yell and yell at the people who are sat in the audience of your life hoping that you'll get a blanket thrown over you, a hot cup of tea and a kindly medic. But people DON'T do this.

This is my point I think, the abusers cause the trauma, but its the people around you that glue it in place and keep it alive, because they don't, can't or won't engage enough to help you discharge the trauma. Counselling is good, a life saver, but I don't know about the rest of you, but one informed bit of support from someone who was THERE, or at least knows the protagonists, is worth a thousand sessions.

But it won't happen. Or.... if it does happen, it doesnt stick, and you crave more. It feels so good, like a dentist's injection before an extraction, that you push for it, and you push people away.

Looking back now I am hugely embarressed by what I became under all that pressure, but I shouldnt be. Most of my 'freinds' would have cracked 6 months in... I did 5 years. Beyond that I dealt with my family's bloated narcicism for 50 years. I was largly free from all that until my mother became ill and then suddenly I was trapped. Ironicaly, some of these very conditions are now cropping up with some of the people who wrote me off, so... well... yeah... get some.

So what do you do about these people that glue the trauma in place?

Well, you walk away. You let them go. You don't tell them that, you just do it. You let them wither on the vine and you move on. You find new people who get you as you are now and you live in the moment. You are not on trial, and you never were, there is nothing to gain from giving a defence. Don't bother.

So, this is what I'm finding myself doing, and I'm feeling infinitly better for it. I'm not HAPPY, not yet. In fact there is a new feeling creeping in which is akin to depression, but that's ok, it's not C-PTSD. And yes, deppression is better, better for now. It's part of the healing. Its a kind of mourning.

Judgement from others, especialy those beyond your abusers, is rough. The roughest. It feels like the world has gone mad and is targetting you endlessly, everyone confirming the gaslighting of your attackers. But these things are illusions, illusions caused by the way C-PTSD works and the way society at large percieves mental ilness. Try and stop looking for support that will never come.

It's tough, but once you realise that it won't, you free yourself up to find that support internally and to seek out new people that you don't have to prove anything to.

One last thing.

Probably, in all that happened, you did something wrong. Something that haunts you because you are so used to judgement you think you are somehow beyond reprehensible.

Let it go. You are human. Under huge pressure you make mistakes, it is natural. People have road accidents when they are tired, it'sno different. And beyond that, who has the right to judge you, especially when they themselves are either behaving in shocking ways themselves or who do nothing but judge others from a moral high ground they simply do not deserve.

If you feel shame, ask yourself why? Is it really such a big deal, or are you just scared of the tabloid newspaper style finger pointing so beloved of the abuser. Forget it, nothing you have done is as bad as the things that made you drop the ball.

So that's my 4.23 AM sermon.

It does go peeps... it does.

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marta1234

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Re: Recovery notes #5000
« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2020, 10:02:51 PM »
Thank you for sharing this, JamesG. It was refreshing to read. Iím thinking to myself, finally, someone who gets it. Someone who doesnít try to give you advice just to use you afterwards.
who do nothing but judge others from a moral high ground they simply do not deserve.

Iíve thought that so many time, especially from my FOO about certain things or actions of others. Iíve always wondered to myself, why do they think they have a say in this? In whether or not this person is actually abusive and is actually affecting me negatively?
In any case, your words brought me hope and were very comforting. :)

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jamesG.1

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Re: Recovery notes #5000
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2020, 07:27:08 AM »
people watch soap operas and reality TV because they find other peoples discomfort an entertaining spectator sport. nuff said

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marta1234

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Re: Recovery notes #5000
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2020, 04:27:51 PM »
:yeahthat:

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Rani

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Re: Recovery notes #5000
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2020, 09:14:55 AM »
The thing is, that it doesnt matter, none of it matters, people don't matter. Unless they do, and there is the thing. Who matters is, for us, a choice.


Find these words resonating with me.