Automatic intrusive thinking on wakening.

[thetruth]

Hi All,

I have not posted in a couple of years. Every morning on wakening I am greeted with the same set of defeating thoughts stemming from past injustices. In recent mornings I began a new wave of early morning jogging to try to manage the thinking but it has not stopped the problem and only added to the exhaustion and frustration. 

At this stage it looks like my neural pathways are very well formed and this difficult thinking is set to persist indefinitely. The energy demands of this psychological battle are great. Working on top of this is unlikely to be sustainable and experience has shown that to be true.

Can anyone offer any suggestions from their own experience about how I might go about dealing with this life inhibiting early morning intrusive thinking. It is basically the result of injustice and I cannot magic it away just because it is having a negative effect on my life.

Thanks.

[Rainagain]

Hello again,

Sorry you are stuck with this, as you hadn't posted for a long time I hoped things had improved for you.

According to Jordan Petersen one way to approach this is to calm the amygdala by having a strategy to prevent future victimisation. I dont have the specific link but it was interesting, he says the strategy doesnt need to be brilliant, just the fact that you are in some way prepared to deal with future trauma calms the hindbrain.

My intrusive thoughts seemed grouped with other stuff, collectively all of those symptoms get worse when I feel extra stressed by people and slowly calm down when I avoid stressful people.

[Pioneer]

Thank you so much, thetruth, for posting about your struggle with intrusive thoughts in the mornings! I also have an issue of intrusive morning thoughts and those thoughts come in many different forms. I've noticed that my first morning thoughts always set the tone for the day - which is difficult and annoying since that causes a pattern of self destruction of myself and those I care about most. And yes, it is very exhausting.

I definitely do not have a magical solution, like you said, it is a result of injustice and years of the brain being wired a certain way. One thing I have been using and trying is an app called "What's Up?" (it has various activities and info to help with PTSD symptoms and CBT) and the biggest part that has been helping me is the Diary section where it helps you process your emotions and thought patterns. It just allows me to better see what I am thinking and helps me unpack it a bit, and that empowers me to rewire the way I think about it, bit by bit. 

It is a fairly simple activity. The "diary" has you write out whatever you want to (maybe thoughts about your day, intrusive thoughts, things you are thankful for...just whatever you want) and then it has you rate (0-10) a bunch of feelings. While doing this, I was surprised to realize that I could be happy and sad at the same time, anxious and satisfied at the same time...ect. And lastly it has you process and check your thoughts - such as whether you are having bad memories, if you are seeing everything though a certain lense, reasoning out your thoughts based on your feelings... As I have used it and gotten more used to it, I've felt like it has been a pretty gentle way to process what I have been thinking, feeling and processing without feeling like I need to condemn myself.  It helps me to better see what I am thinking and feeling and there is a release for me in that.

And it may not be helpful for you, because I know that these things are complex. But I thought I'd share what I am trying and what seems to be helping me. I have been using it at night before I go to bed, but I might also try using it in the mornings and see if that helps rewire my morning brain.

Thanks again for sharing. I know it helped me process through my own struggles.

[thetruth]

Hello again,

Sorry you are stuck with this, as you hadn't posted for a long time I hoped things had improved for you.

According to Jordan Petersen one way to approach this is to calm the amygdala by having a strategy to prevent future victimisation. I dont have the specific link but it was interesting, he says the strategy doesnt need to be brilliant, just the fact that you are in some way prepared to deal with future trauma calms the hindbrain.

My intrusive thoughts seemed grouped with other stuff, collectively all of those symptoms get worse when I feel extra stressed by people and slowly calm down when I avoid stressful people.

Hi again Rainagain,

Ive pmed you. Your response has given me some useful food for thought, some perspective.

[thetruth]

Thank you so much, thetruth, for posting about your struggle with intrusive thoughts in the mornings! I also have an issue of intrusive morning thoughts and those thoughts come in many different forms. I've noticed that my first morning thoughts always set the tone for the day - which is difficult and annoying since that causes a pattern of self destruction of myself and those I care about most. And yes, it is very exhausting.

I definitely do not have a magical solution, like you said, it is a result of injustice and years of the brain being wired a certain way. One thing I have been using and trying is an app called "What's Up?" (it has various activities and info to help with PTSD symptoms and CBT) and the biggest part that has been helping me is the Diary section where it helps you process your emotions and thought patterns. It just allows me to better see what I am thinking and helps me unpack it a bit, and that empowers me to rewire the way I think about it, bit by bit. 

It is a fairly simple activity. The "diary" has you write out whatever you want to (maybe thoughts about your day, intrusive thoughts, things you are thankful for...just whatever you want) and then it has you rate (0-10) a bunch of feelings. While doing this, I was surprised to realize that I could be happy and sad at the same time, anxious and satisfied at the same time...ect. And lastly it has you process and check your thoughts - such as whether you are having bad memories, if you are seeing everything though a certain lense, reasoning out your thoughts based on your feelings... As I have used it and gotten more used to it, I've felt like it has been a pretty gentle way to process what I have been thinking, feeling and processing without feeling like I need to condemn myself.  It helps me to better see what I am thinking and feeling and there is a release for me in that.

And it may not be helpful for you, because I know that these things are complex. But I thought I'd share what I am trying and what seems to be helping me. I have been using it at night before I go to bed, but I might also try using it in the mornings and see if that helps rewire my morning brain.

Thanks again for sharing. I know it helped me process through my own struggles.

Hi Pioneer,
Thanks for the very well written and thoughtful response. I will have a look at What's Up today. Once again this morning I awoke to an exhausting battle of thoughts relating to injustices that happened years ago but they might as well have happened yesterday because my mind has been enslaved to the irreconcilable nature of the treatment since it happened.

Im a bit worn out right now to respond more adequately but I will take your advice right now and look into What's Up.

Thanks a lot for your kind reply.

[Pioneer]

Hi Pioneer,
Thanks for the very well written and thoughtful response. I will have a look at What's Up today. Once again this morning I awoke to an exhausting battle of thoughts relating to injustices that happened years ago but they might as well have happened yesterday because my mind has been enslaved to the irreconcilable nature of the treatment since it happened.

Im a bit worn out right now to respond more adequately but I will take your advice right now and look into What's Up.

Thanks a lot for your kind reply.

Hi again! You're welcome

I'm sorry you had more intrusive, exhausting thoughts the other morning. I can relate.

I have been trying to use What's Up? app in the mornings when I first wake up. I've noticed a couple things about doing it in the mornings. First, my emotions tend to be very different from the night before  - which probably shouldn't be a big surprise, especially on mornings (many of them) when I wake up with intrusive thoughts. The second thing I noticed is that identifying and processing my thoughts in the mornings is like learning a different language. My brain is wired in a way where I haven't learned to unpack my emotions or thoughts. I do think it helps me to use the app, but I think it will take a while of practice before I get better at it.

I hope you can find ways to heal!

[thetruth]

Ok, this morning my alarm woke me up at 7.50, Im sleeping much later than in recent weeks when I was waking as early as 3am, more often between 4 and 5am. It was fairly textbook depression driven early wakening. The depression has eased off again a little for now but the history that repeatedly drives the depression is still there and is still driving the rumination and anxiety that periodically produces depressions which demand withdrawal from normal life and full focus on self compassion for days. That seems to work for me, full withdrawal from life. It works enough in the short term to get me through that week.

So my alarm woke me at 7.50am and immediately my mind is fully preoccupied with the injustice of 7 years ago. Whether I like it or not I'm dealing with it. I find myself playing out discussions in which I am finding ever more effective ways to state the truth and to describe the injustice. Such is the result of having been so stubbornly, professionally misrepresented over and over again for expedience.

After 10 to 15 minutes of vainly trying to wake up into peace of mind- something that has not happened in 7 years, the anxiety is growing in intensity. At some point it becomes clear that lying there thinking is making things worse and the anxiety is gaining momentum. So I stand up, I get dressed, I go to the bathroom, I clean my teeth and then I go to the kitchen and make coffee. If I dont move Im experiencing intensifying anxiety. Then I journal that mornings best attempts to skilfully describe the crux of the injustice meted out by employer and or GP, depending on which one is commanding my energy that particular morning. This morning it was in relation to what the GP did.

Im now drinking my coffee and this is still journaling right now, typing here. After the journaling is done I am left somewhat less anxious than before I got up but I am weary. Im awake 1 hour and Ive already been through a psychological battle caused by a 4 year workplace harassment which my GP helped the employer to deflect from and deny because he knew him. 7 years down the line and all of my energy and my sanity is used up managing the sense of injustice. In short, my quality of life has been taken away by professionals who abused their positions to hide the truth, employer and doctor alike, both are equally complicit in the dishonesty and indeed they collaborated to misrepresent me and the true nature of the ordeal I had been subjected to.

Im a 45 year old man and my life is in a permanent state of arrest because of a deeply unjust refusal by a GP to hear and represent the truth accurately.

The anxiety can be managed to an extent as I have described above but you are still left with the cumulative physical and emotional exhaustion that this 7 year psychological battle continues to produce. That exhaustion leaves you in a state of handicap, both physically and emotionally. Your life is all about managing the condition- hiding the true way that you feel from others is the next part of the battle. I have found that it is simply impossible for other people who are living in more normal emotional states, who enjoy more normal everyday experiences of hope, psychological freedom and enthusiasm to remember that you are not experiencing life as they are. You can describe what you are dealing with til the cows come home and you can tell them that the condition is chronic and permanent. Without being subject to it themselves, they cannot remember that you are subject to it and they are repeatedly shocked to be informed of it again and again, month after month when you are forced to explain things to them again because the overwhelm and exhaustion prevents you from operating normally.

At this stage I dont know if I have PTSD, CPTSD or what I have. I think I have a trauma disorder and I can effectively evidence why, but because I have been invalidated by an NHS doctor, I cannot get the opportunity to be heard. I spoke to a solicitor on Thursday and he gave me the number of a more suitable practice that deals with this kind of thing.

One of the first questions I will ask is - Is it a solicitor I need or is it a complaint to the NHS ombudsman that I should be considering?

[thetruth]

I am pleased to report that the intrusive thinking first thing in the morning, immediately on wakening, has become more bearable and more manageable. It is still there- I still awaken to the exact same subject matter every single day, but for around 12 days now, it has been much easier to cope with, much easier to contend with.

2 things have happened to facilitate this recent disarming of insufferable rumination. 1. I recovered from the coronavirus around 1st of November after 12 days of misery- I have a new appreciation of my physical health, and secondly, maybe of much more importance, when recovering from the virus I responded to an advert for a house to rent in a neighbouring village that I have wanted to move to for some time. I have viewed the house and paid a deposit. It is very suitable- it will get me out of my hometown which is where I underwent 4.5 years of workplace bullying that was then concealed by my GP because he didnt want any confrontation with the abusive employer.

For what it's worth I feel I should report a positive development because I have reported little but defeated, miserable pain until now. I know that when I am in the neighbouring village I will be less exposed to the innumerable triggers to difficut thinking that I am currently immersed in in my own town. I cannot wait for the new freedom and the new chance to express the me that cannot breathe here where the bullying and deflecting dishonesty took place.

[Pioneer]

That is very good to hear, thetruth! I am very happy for you! 

I am sorry you had to go through being sick with covid, but glad to hear you have recovered. And it's exciting to think of the opportunity for a new environment and place to recover. I hope that gives you the feeling of freedom and space to heal.

I got the opportunity several months ago to live in a different environment separated from much of the abuse. It's been quite the journey of unpeeling the layers of abuse, coming to terms with what happened and figuring out that I am now safe - all still a work in progress. It's been rough in a lot of ways, but also rewarding as healing is happening. I am also thankful for this opportunity for a new freedom. So, be kind and patient with yourself along the way. And I hope you breathe in the fresh air of freedom!  Thanks for the update!

[thetruth]

That is very good to hear, thetruth! I am very happy for you! 

I am sorry you had to go through being sick with covid, but glad to hear you have recovered. And it's exciting to think of the opportunity for a new environment and place to recover. I hope that gives you the feeling of freedom and space to heal.

I got the opportunity several months ago to live in a different environment separated from much of the abuse. It's been quite the journey of unpeeling the layers of abuse, coming to terms with what happened and figuring out that I am now safe - all still a work in progress. It's been rough in a lot of ways, but also rewarding as healing is happening. I am also thankful for this opportunity for a new freedom. So, be kind and patient with yourself along the way. And I hope you breathe in the fresh air of freedom!  Thanks for the update!

Hi Pioneer,
Thanks for your message. So you have experienced a meaningful positive change since you moved? Did you move town?
This is music to my ears. I feel that if I stay here surrounded by triggers (a lot of the triggers are people connected to the company I worked for in some way), I am choosing to be retraumatised on an ongoing basis. I am bringing unnecessary psychological hardship on myself tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. I have had 7 years of it already to show me that time isnt going to make what I endured ok and time genuinely isnt going to make the effects of what I endured ok enough to not cause stress, anxiety, resentment and crippled self esteem.

A few people have used the phrase 'running away' to me. I am not running away, I am moving away for valid and positive reasons. There is a profound difference. I am very very lucky that I am not, nor ever have been particularly fond of my hometown. The happiest I have ever been has been when not living in my hometown. 

I have 4 more weeks to navigate in my hometown before I escape it's toxicity. This time, I am not coming back, and that is a very, very good thing. Looking forward to creating the rest of my life as best I can.

I hope your 'work in progress' is going positively and I would love to hear more detail about how you experience life differently as compared to beforehand, before the beneficial change that you made happen.

[Pioneer]

Hi, thetruth! Yes, I have seen some positive changes since we moved. When we moved away, we went half way across the country to a small town we had lived in several years previously. It was a very intense move, and it was delayed a couple weeks by my family getting covid (so I can relate there too), and also to the fact that everything was shut down due to covid. The shut down ended up being a blessing in a way, though, because beforehand we were literally getting manipulative people on our front doorstep who were triangulating for my NPs. Once the shut down happened, we had some peace, and the ability to get packed and moved. And we thankfully had help from friends getting loaded for the move, though we couldn't take everything. It was truly a miracle that we made it safely - we didn't stop for two days and nights straight partially due to the shut downs (I don't recommend that to anyone), but we made it!

I will try not to sugarcoat the transition - it has been the most emotionally intense several months of my life. I didn't know what CPTSD was when we moved, but I ended up researching and then finding this forum. And that has been really helpful to figuring out what was going on with me. One of the first things I read on this forum was that when recovery is coming along the good emotional spikes get higher and the low drops get lower - and that helped me realize that I was on the right track. I was having terrible outer critic thoughts and was seeing my husband as the harsh enemy, though he is my biggest support, and then I would feel incredible hopeless, suicidal thoughts on the low end. I had experienced these things in the past few years in the midst of my NPs abuse, but never so intense. What made things worse, is that we've unfortunately still had attempts of contact from my NPs which triggers me, but recovery is real and happening! I have to remind myself of that on the bad days. When we moved, we just weren't prepared for the intense grief and feelings of guilt from leaving the abusers, my shock and resistance in trying to pick up the pieces and move forward, and not knowing who I was really after the dust had settled. Some of the things that have made the biggest difference for recovery are the fact that we still had a support group here. Friends, family on my husband's side and a little church community have been our biggest supports. I also started taking an antidepressant and that has helped stabilize me a fair amount. I see a tremendous amount of hope as I recover and try to take each step forward - even when it feels like I constantly have to keep picking myself back up. I have been able to laugh (like a belly laugh) again and I have even been able to cry again after a couple years of not feeling like I could. I am so thankful that we took this step of faith!

I hope those thoughts are helpful. And I think that moving away and setting good and healthy boundaries are an incredibly courageous thing to do - not a cowardly thing as the people calling "running away" make it sound. I hope your move goes smoothly and that you develop support along the way! It is a new adventure 

[thetruth]

Hi Pioneer,

Your reply has helped me to identify the fact that I have been the subject of narcissistic abuse also, by a boss at work. It's more of a rediscovery and fresh appreciation of that part of the trauma for me. I am feeling a sort of validation today after having read some online info. on narcissistic bosses. Right now I am able to give myself a break from the sure knowledge that I have been the victim of a narcissistic boss, no question.

It is great to read that your move has brought you closer to the supportive people on your husbands side of the family. It's great to hear that your recovery is happening thanks to moving location. This is exactly what I will be doing as soon as I get the keys of the new place which will happen in 3 weeks.

It's amazing that you felt a lot of guilt for leaving the abusers but I think you know you had to do what you did, for yourself.

[Pioneer]

I'm glad it was helpful. And thank you for your support. I'm looking forward to hearing how your recovery continues