Sense of snow

[Rani]

Almost new to this site, and shouting out a hello.. if anyone is reading. I’ve been here, but I can’t remember my previous profile name, so I’m starting again as a newbie. The title „sense of snow“ I’ve used before on another trauma website, but when dealing with relational/developmental trauma, I felt the need to be in a more specific domain. Sense of snow is one of my favorite novels, as I used to identify with smilla  the main character of the Story.
I‘m a woman in her late 30‘s from South Asia. Growing up on an island, in a very strong patriarchal and conservative society, people being marginalized depending on their caste. My mother married a violent, alcoholic man which meant that he kept beating her regularly, also through her pregnancy, the first one ending in a miscarriage. So while she was pregnant with me, she was exposed to violence almost everyday, it took her a few years to get out of that marriage, and we kept leaving places in order to find a safe home. Divorced woman were seen as sinners in the early/mid 80s so our reality was about surviving Day after Day. My mother then met a man who was mentally ill, and came up with ideas like leaving me with random people so that they can travel the world. my mother fearing this man was unable to stand up to him, I was also sexually abused by one or two men I was staying with.
I grew up in different schools and catholic boarding schools. We used to travel a lot later on, and I landed in Germany in the mid 90s.. I lived a very isolated life in my teens due to my mentally ill step father and depressed mother. Somewhere around 2002 I began with therapy, and like many others, I’m still walking that road..

[marta1234]

Welcome to the forum, Rani and to starting a new journal. Although I did already send a hug on your introduction post, I still feel it's needed to be sent also here, on your journey. Thank you for sharing your story here. 

[Rani]

Thank you @Marta... much appreciated! Wishing you a good Day

[Rani]

It's hard to live, today.. tomorrow and all the tomorrows following.. I'm standing in the bus, and I shouldn't cry because, because it's embarrassing. I haven't got the inner architecture to make it in this life, it's of no use, just quit... she says. She says because she is in fear because my mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in August, because there's so much enmeshment between me and my mother that needs distinction, where is me and where is my mother? Her prognosis is luckily a good one, yet there is an enormous amount of Grief unloading, I feel I need to save her once again, she decides, she makes her own decisions, I don't have to, I don't have to carry that burden.

[marta1234]

Rani, I'm sorry you're going through this. Lending you a hand while you figure things out (if it's ok)