The big Dudette

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Shankara

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #30 on: May 01, 2018, 10:00:10 AM »
Cozyness and nice smells sounds good Blueberry.

Will get to something similar. Thanks.

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sanmagic7

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #31 on: May 01, 2018, 03:48:09 PM »
hey, shankara,

i relate to that overreacting thing.  i think it may be that we aren't well practiced in being assertive so we either shrink away or become aggressive.  especially if someone is triggering for any reason.  that man's attitude may have unconsciously reminded you of someone from your past who made you feel weak/vulnerable, and your initial reaction was to protect yourself.

i do believe that as we continue to go thru our healing journey, we'll learn more about ourselves, who and what we are, who and what we want to be, and head forward toward some of those goals.  it takes exploration, experimentation at times, self-discovery, time, patience with ourselves and practice. 

i'm sorry you're having those terribly weak feelings.  i think you'll begin feeling stronger inside as you continue to move thru this jungle of c-ptsd.  hang tough, sweetie - we're hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs.

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Shankara

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #32 on: May 01, 2018, 04:42:40 PM »
hey, shankara,

i relate to that overreacting thing.  i think it may be that we aren't well practiced in being assertive so we either shrink away or become aggressive.  especially if someone is triggering for any reason.  that man's attitude may have unconsciously reminded you of someone from your past who made you feel weak/vulnerable, and your initial reaction was to protect yourself.


Yes San that was the case.... Thank you so much for writing... Words are always helpful.


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Shankara

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #33 on: May 01, 2018, 05:37:30 PM »
Got thrown out of a spaceship, landed on a planet, definitely our solarsystem... so I think I had no plan, just something like intuition maybe. Here I went on another survival trip.

Star trek came into rescue. Wanted to become a Vulcan, wanted to meet Gene Roddenberry, but the guy died in 1991. Too bad for me.

Why Vulcans are so appealing? They have mastered their emotions fully, they have this unhurtable, untouchable aura. Well, sounds maybe silly to perhaps stuck heads into those fictitious worlds... that Gene roddenberry guy was old too, so why bother?

Walking on thin ice is a challenge, especially when I feel splintered, trying very hard to distinguish between real and unreal. Who is threatening? Who is going to use you? How much can you let show?
Memories come in snapshot mode, fear catches me, grief catches me. Crying my eyes out, sensing heaviness. I want to puke because grief seems to have that quality. I watch sigourney weaver in alien when I feel weak, or I watch sisko from Star trek. Or alice morgan from Luther. Ok thats strange to like that alice figure, this woman is toxic. Anyways...in hardcore -weak sensing this helps....




« Last Edit: May 01, 2018, 05:39:05 PM by Shankara »

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DecimalRocket

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #34 on: May 06, 2018, 11:10:41 AM »
I relate to wanting to master emotions like a Vulcan, but I guess life is more complicated in some way. Vulcans aren't as unemotional as they seem on the outside, and the Star Trek wiki talks about how their logic is a way to control their extreme emotions.

Spock is iconic for being controlled and objective, but inside he felt different for being half human and how that makes his emotions stronger. To heal he had to be fully aware and integrate both parts of himself - logic and emotion. He had to be aware of both, hear each side's opinions, and combine it into an action and goal both can agree on.

Maybe the secret to healthy logic is healthy feeling.

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Rani

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #35 on: November 02, 2020, 08:51:01 AM »
Not sure if itís okay to come back to my old Diary, I wasnít able to remember my previous access details, so Iím back as Rani..
I think I want to come back to ĄThe Big Dudetteď...

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sanmagic7

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #36 on: November 02, 2020, 07:11:00 PM »
welcome back, rani.  hope you're doing well. :hug:

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Rani

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Re: The big Dudette
« Reply #37 on: November 03, 2020, 09:54:40 AM »
Thanks Sanmagic7

thanks * the welcome.

* how to survive todayI which was yesterday, I landed this morning more smoothly, itís okay to carry a loneliness that doesnít hurt as much.. because there is a buffer inbetween. I have a loving husband, a mother that has gotten a bad Diagnosis (Not the worst but it does have a bad prognosis). Today I was trying to keep the dialog with the inner voice/narrative that constantly says ĄOther people (In-laws, * in my native country and elsewhere) Donít really seem to care, I should just cut them off * a while, so that I donít * hurt when nobody is asking me how I *ď. The next voice thinks that it really doesnít matter, it shouldnít, you shouldnít need the need * that kind of connection. Itís not them, itís your inner void that seeks * attention, investigate that rather than waiting * someone to ask you, how you * ect...

Itís hard to give both voices acknowledgement, it is hard no to ignore the voice that says :Look, you are a person of colour, you live in a white mans land, you donít belong here, and even if many people arenít aware of it, there is a very very subtle devaluation, itís so concealed, so deeply conditioned that even Ątheyď  arenít aware of it?! Why Do I have to Do the ĄWORKď? The work??????? Which work? What do you mean with work? The work of >>>>trying to belong>>>>  why do I have to run behind other people? Do you run behind them? Well yes it does * as if I have to try harder, and it puts me in a place of being the outsider, the one that always will have to be good/say the right thing/ be kind be this and that?! One wrong step and I will be thrown out. Who will throw you out? They, the others!!!!! Itís as if I must be perfect to be liked. And * all of them, I wonít do so, either they like me or they shall * off. So when they * off, things will be easier?  Give me an example?

Well you know E that she hardly ever, ever asks me how I am doing! How often does that happen? What about the moments when she did? She did ask, when my mom got the diagnosis, but then after a * Days, it was all over.. Do you ask? Yes, I did before!

I will still say, that I am not being seen, they tend to ignore me. What about the moments they did invite you, multiple times?

Today it still * as if I am abandoned, I will stay on this narrative, itís the magnifying glas that brings certain situations on to the macro level. Itís the survival mode that looks out * those who arenít there Be aware child, donít * into that trap.


Bring me home.
I donít want to live here she says, and I cannot live on the island either...
« Last Edit: November 03, 2020, 04:32:45 PM by Kizzie »