Catch-22/Unconditional love/Triggers

[Dontaskme495]

Hello again everyone,

Been a while since my last post.  I've been steadily keeping a journal, doing inner-child work and breathing for relaxation. I would say that I've been overall improving over the last few months. As an example, I need to speak in front of a group and give them instructions for my new job. I've never done anything like that before, I would avoid such situations in the past at all costs. I tuned into that meek little inner-voice in me that's positive and encouraging and I kept making him say "You can do this!" louder and louder until it was louder than my anxiety. Now that's the voice I listen when I'm anxious. I can actually look forward to the opportunity to speak in-front of everyone now

But I've hit a situation where I don't know what to tell myself. And it's holding everything back. It's stonewalled any attempt at inner-child work.

For background. I grew up in a dirty, unsafe hoarders home. Both my parents were dysfunctional, one was violent and erratic and the other was malicious, passive-aggressive, painfully indifferent. Enmeshment was large part of how we operated.  I had no one I could talk to and I suffered in silence for a long time. Even when I left, I never talked about it.

I'm beginning to become aware of how much pain my inner-children are in. And that I can forgive; I didn't bring that upon myself. That home, those parents, were not my fault. But I'm beginning to accept that I took out my pain on others, even my own brother who never once wronged me.  I know I have to heal, so I wont cause anyone else any pain, to be successful, to be responsible. But I'm so beside myself that I continued this awful cycle. I don't know what to tell myself.

Since writing that last paragraph, it came to me that I need to love my inner-children unconditionally. I don't know how to do that. I've only ever known conditional love. I don't have a clue what unconditional love would sound like in this situation. Does anyone have an example of unconditional love?

[Not Alone]

I want you to know that I read your post. You asked about unconditional love. That is so big. I'm wondering if it would be helpful to look at it in a smaller way. My therapist talks to me about being kind to my inner-children. Kindness is part of love.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi dontaskme,

You said that you are beside yourself. At the same time you indicate you are ready to start forgiveness. I agree with notalone that it may be helpful to see this, your act of looking and forgiving, as an act of love. The feelings that might arise might feel overwhelming, and even one bit of kindness to yourself could be looked upon as the beginning of healing, of learning to love those parts of yourself. Unconditional love seems a high bar to set initially. Maybe a little at a time is good enough, at least to start with.