Nervous to open up

[deepbreaths]

Hello! I've been dealing with CPTSD symptoms for a long time and am currently trying to work on vulnerability and my connections with people. Talking to my friends about trauma/symptoms has been a little too daunting, so I'm hoping this can be a lower-stakes place to start.

I grew up witnessing physical and emotional abuse by my father, primarily directed at my mother and twin brother. They divorced when I was ~9, but the abuse towards my brother continued for a time afterwards and I was often in the middle as a protector/GC. We are all NC with him for several years now.

As a teenager, my brother's mental health deteriorated and he was dealing with a video game addiction and ultimately became physically and emotionally abusive, again mostly directed to my mother, but some towards me and my grandmother who lived with us part of the time. He was arrested when we were 15 and spent a long time in a full-time therapy program before returning home.

I recently read Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and unexpectedly experienced a lot of EFs about my mother. I'm beginning to realize the ways in which she was neglectful, and despite our surficially positive relationship, she's still not able to support me in the ways I need.

On top of that, my grandmother who was the only person I felt like really prioritized my well-being as a child recently passed away which has left me feeling more alone than ever.

Anyway thanks in advance for listening, even just writing this public-ish post is triggering. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum, deepbreaths! 

[Not Alone]

Welcome. 

[Snowdrop]

Thank you for sharing your story, deepbreaths. I found making my first post difficult too. I hope you find this a place of safety and healing.