deepbreaths' journal

[deepbreaths]

I haven't posted in a bit, but the holiday brought me on tonight.

First, Hope, thank you for the kind words and the hug. The flower in my icon is actually a gladiolus which signifies remembrance and strength of character. For me, it's a reminder not to run and hide from my painful memories, but to remember them and appreciate the things I like about myself and the strength I now have in who I am/want to be as a result of my abuse/neglect.

But of course, having a tough Mother's Day. I'm not in a place right now where I am ready to forgive M for her neglect and I don't believe she is going to change and suddenly start actually caring about me as a full independent person with my own needs. I'm sure I'm not the only one on here who had a family in which maintaining appearances was of a high priority. A holiday with this sort of pageantry of having a healthy, positive, idyllic relationship with my mother is super triggering and just what I don't need right now. I'm really trying to work on being more authentic in my relationships and with myself in not hiding or running away from my "undesirable" feelings like anger, sadness, etc. I don't want to put on a show of being happy with my mother right now. I called her because I had to, but kept things superficial as always.

Most years I would also take this day to celebrate my grandmother who had a more motherly sort of role in my upbringing, but this is my first Mother's Day without her. I miss her so terribly. I read through this article: https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog/mothersday from the Mother's Day resources page and it really struck a chord. It mentions the loss of your only safe person, and my grandmother was that for me, so missing her today has multiplied the grief I am feeling over not having unconditional love from M.

[Hope67]

Hi Deepbreaths,

Sending you another hug    What you wrote about the gladiolus, your flower icon, is lovely - remembrance and strength of character are virtues, and you wrote that it reminds you not to run and hide from your painful memories, but remember them and appreciate the things you like about yourself and the strength you now have - I think that's great.

Sorry you're having a tough time getting through Mother's Day.  Be kind to yourself, if that's ok to say that.

Hope 

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry that you no longer have your grandmother with you. Sad.

[Armadillo]

 

Hugs to you. I relate.  My grandparents were my safe people and their loss more than 20 years ago is still painful and I miss them. It's hard, but beautiful.