Frustrated with myself

[Rogue84]

- rant alert -

Oh man.. Life is tough at the moment. I am in week 6 of an ongoing trigger / flashback. I feel frightened and isolated. And a failure. I am afraid to leave the house, to look forward to things and am constantly retriggered. Needless to say, my inner critic is having a great time :/

I have lost my job a few months ago and the whole thing has been a retraumatizing event, which was terrible timing because it happened right after coming out of an intensive therapy program and reluctantly setting foot in the world again with thoughts like "Maybe people can be trusted after all" "maybe i do have it in me to succeed". I think what i am mentally and physically experiencing right now might be an aftermath of that difficult experience.

I have proactively worked on getting out of this flashback state. I am educating myself on cptsd (Pete Walkers book is very enlightening) and have scheduled an introductory appointment with a body focused psychotherapist next week. I am doing yoga and breathing exercises. I reach out to people i trust. So deep down i know my inner critic is wrong by calling me lazy. But today i am just so tired and i feel so alone.

I am just so frustrated with myself. Every time i think i'm doing better, and i might finally start living, something happens and i am back in survival mode, frantically fighting my anxiety and self loathing. It is really hard to be hopeful or kind towards myself at the moment.

[marta1234]

Hi Rogue, I'm sorry you're going through this. Sending you a hug (if it's ok) and lots of support. I don't have much advice right now, but I can tell you that you're not alone with these feelings and emotions haunting you everyday. I'm having this too (I just hide it pretty well). Hope you are able to find some comfort even if it is a minute. 

[Not Alone]

Six weeks of trigger/flashbacks is a long time. No wonder you are tired. Being in that state is exhausting. So glad that you are reaching out to people. That can be even more difficult when in triggered state.

[Rogue84]

thank you Martha for your very kind words. They moved me and made me feel a bit less alone. Thank you. And i'm sorry you can relate. Do you have people you can reach out to when it's hard? Sending you a  too if it's okay.

Thanks Notalone for understanding. Your words 'no wonder you're tired' helped me be kinder to myself and that means a lot!

the trigger is still there, but i can ignore it a little bit better and feel a little bit less exhausted, which is hopeful!