Acknowledging I was abused

[SharpAndBlunt]

Trigger warning: TW: I am asking for opinions about feelings I have from being abused that may cause others to feel same

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Hi, as is usual I am not really sure of what I want, but maybe by asking the question I will get some affirmation, understanding or clarity.

Does anyone else who has suffered abuse feel 'exposed'. I mean, I feel like when I interact with people they instantly and instinctually understand that I am in some way tainted, dirty.

I understand to some extent that this is NSC. But I also feel there is some basis for it, because in order to survive I have had to develop a large measure of denial. When even I don't believe my denial anymore, it leads me to feel like I am fraudulently pretending I am coping. In short, I feel dirty and disgusting.

Not having had a safe place to explore these feelings, my only avenue was to bury them. Now that I am allowing them, I still feel that I can't be authentic, because I feel, probably wrongly, that I am inherently disgusting to other people. I recognise that this is a very negative pattern of feeling. Uncritical optimism is not however the answer. (I have used that to cope).

[Hope67]

Hi SaB,
I don't know what the NSC means, but I read all that you wrote here, and I do relate to what you said.  I'm glad that you're starting to allow your feelings, rather than burying them.  I hope you'll find this a safe space to talk about them. 

You asked 'Does anyone else who suffered abuse feel 'exposed'?  -  I would say 'yes' to that - because I am aware that I have tried to put forward what must seem like a 'shiny' side of myself in many situations in my life, but that underneath I feel as if I'm ashamed and disgusted with myself at many levels - I carry shame and I carry dislike with me - and therefore I wonder how authentic I can be, when carrying those things.  But I try not to show those things to other people, because I am ashamed of them.  So I guess that is feeling 'exposed' but trying to carry on anyway.

You mentioned that in order to survive you have had to develop a large measure of denial - I think that's a protective thing, and I've done that too.

It was interesting to hear what you said - because I wanted to say to you 'NO, you're not dirty and you're NOT disgusting' - but I know that you feel that way, and I know it's hard to accept the words of others when you feel that way underneath.

I've been reading a book today, which said "You may believe you have difficulties in your life because there is something wrong with you instead of understanding that your current problems may be a result of your past experiences."  I found that helpful, and wanted to share that with you here.

I realise I've written a long reply to you, and I wanted to send you a hug too - if that's ok. 
Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Yes, I've always felt 'exposed' as well. To the extreme of thinking other people will always shy away from me if they know even the tiniest bit about what happened to me. I know that's unlikely, especially with most people, as its rare to reach (and risk) sharing without first building up lots of trust, coupled with courage. But usually I can muster neither to the point of feeling truly safe.

Even when it seems safer, though, I retain a burning fear that I won't be believed, and hence rejected. So on top of the difficult emotions that ride just beneath my seemingly calm exterior, I feel obliged to keep myself mute lest the fear and shaky self-esteem overwhelm me. It's a rough ride on an uncertain carousel endlessly circling back to its starting point.

In recent years, I've tried reaching out more (still not very much), but have also run into results where I wish I hadn't. I don't feel a fraud so much as I feel trapped by having to be re-victimized, in a way. Stepping beyond the pain starts as an inner task, but it's awful when by reaching out one only feels the emotions are still trapped within.

[dreamriver]

I relate a lot to the denial you describe. It's been conditioned and brainwashed into me via my family's narrative that some people in my family were abused, others were not (and that I definitely wasn't, even that I came out "perfectly okay.")

I still often think to myself a lot that I wasn't abused even though accepting I was became a huge corner turned for me in my healing. I need to work on that, still haven't fully accepted it.

But like you the thought of officially putting it out there as fact does make me feel very exposed. That I'm making up some story to give a solid reason for why I have mental health struggles, like I'm just creating an excuse when I'm not actually coping with anything real, I'm just "wrong" and there's no cause.

I feel more like I'm just "wrong" not so much dirty.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, a lot of really appreciated insights here, thanks.

Hope, you wrote that "You may believe you have difficulties in your life because there is something wrong with you instead of understanding that your current problems may be a result of your past experiences."

I think this is so valuable. In my family, it was kind of the opposite  So I'm learning to think of it the other way. This is a really powerful quote, thanks for putting that there. And of course a hug is great and I don't think it was too long a reply, thank you.  NSC stands for Negative Self Concept and it's something I really struggle with. When it's not ok to be not ok, it's hard to be authentic, which lead me to these kind of ideas about myself.

woodsgnome, when you wrote "I don't feel a fraud so much as I feel trapped by having to be re-victimized, in a way. Stepping beyond the pain starts as an inner task, but it's awful when by reaching out one only feels the emotions are still trapped within." I understand what you mean and I recognise the feeling of being trapped, of being re-victimised, of reaching out only to be hurt again. It's a setback and it doesn't get any easier.  to you if that is ok.

dreamriver, what you wrote about your family's narrative I really recognised too. I too feel like I've been making up a story, attention seeking and or creating excuses and that there's nothing wrong. I suspect the 'dirty' aspect that I have comes from catholic guilt and there being a large measure of sexual shaming and abuse going on in my upbringing. It sounds strange, but I almost wish I were only wrong, and not dirty. It's an unpleasant sensation to describe and it can affect lots of aspects of life.

I want to put something here that I read today, just by chance, by way of putting something on a tender note. I was reading an interview with Joni Mitchell and she said something along the lines of pulling the weeds out from your soul has to be done or they will overgrow. I feel like it's a difficult and lonely task, and I dearly wish I had someone by my side to help me. I know I have everyone here and I am thankful for that.

[Marian82]

Hey, i just posted something and now read this. Im in a state at the moment where i cant really think or give you good advice. So just want to say i recognize it and wish you well in trying to deal with this. I know it is hard.

[dreamriver]

dreamriver, what you wrote about your family's narrative I really recognised too. I too feel like I've been making up a story, attention seeking and or creating excuses and that there's nothing wrong. I suspect the 'dirty' aspect that I have comes from catholic guilt and there being a large measure of sexual shaming and abuse going on in my upbringing. It sounds strange, but I almost wish I were only wrong, and not dirty. It's an unpleasant sensation to describe and it can affect lots of aspects of life.

SharpAndBlunt, it doesn't sound strange at all.  Others in my family have expressed feeling the same way around other people because of abuse (SA). I have always felt it was unfair and unfair the way they were regarded by others to make that feeling stick and feel like it was truth.

I feel I lucked out. There is lots of sexual shaming in the cult upbringing I experienced but it seemed to miraculously roll off my back. I think if it was openly known and accepted I was abused though, I may have become a target of that treatment and thus that feeling. Instead it was more so ingrained in me that I was ugly, strange looking, weird, ungainly, and clunky.

I'm sorry you have those feelings. I do hope you feel better about your self image someday....I've never met anyone who I thought was dirty or filthy, ever (let alone for sexual abuse, of which I'm closely acquainted with a good handful of survivors), especially if they show kindness and empathy, like you do. (Cruel people I could see myself thinking as "filthy" but that's never happened).

I want to put something here that I read today, just by chance, by way of putting something on a tender note. I was reading an interview with Joni Mitchell and she said something along the lines of pulling the weeds out from your soul has to be done or they will overgrow. I feel like it's a difficult and lonely task, and I dearly wish I had someone by my side to help me. I know I have everyone here and I am thankful for that.

I LOVE Joni Mitchell. Her music, life, wisdom, and perspective have all been immensely healing for me, and I love reading her interviews. I highly recommend "Joni Mitchell In Her Own Words" by Malka Marom, what an amazing peek into her soul. I especially admire her as someone who has processed her own traumatic childhood completely by herself, only with help of her art and other means, with no one to help her but herself....pure loner women are some of my biggest idols and inspirations that keep me going.

And I'm sorry you feel alone processing your thoughts and healing but yes there is this forum, it has helped me at my loneliest. A hug if you'd like one 

[marta1234]

Dear SAB,
I read what you wrote and I can't help but relate (especially right now) to the denial of abuse. These days I'm being even more open with my past and trauma, but at the same time the denial is starting to pop up more often, and more intense with each time. I feel like I'm being an attention seeker with these stories that I tell to my close ones. It feels like I'm making everything up. I'm starting to sense that the denial is there to protect me from memories and traumatic emotions, and as I've been delving more into my past, it seems it's been more apparent. It scares me a lot, the intensity of denial.

[dreamriver]

Dear SAB,
I read what you wrote and I can't help but relate (especially right now) to the denial of abuse. These days I'm being even more open with my past and trauma, but at the same time the denial is starting to pop up more often, and more intense with each time. I feel like I'm being an attention seeker with these stories that I tell to my close ones. It feels like I'm making everything up. I'm starting to sense that the denial is there to protect me from memories and traumatic emotions, and as I've been delving more into my past, it seems it's been more apparent. It scares me a lot, the intensity of denial.

Marta1234, I super relate to this. Denial is intense. I feel like I'm slowly, slowly unwrapping it.

A hug if you need one 

[marta1234]

Thank you dreamriver  Sending support for your recovery too

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi, a hug to you both, 

I am sorry I didn't respond earlier to you, dreamriver. I did read what you wrote and I planned to respond later. I am glad you enjoyed my Joni Mitchell reference  She is an amazing woman.

I am hearing you both about denial. It is definitely frightening to confront it. I like what dreamriver said - "slowly unwrapping it". I think that is a good way to approach  SaB

[dreamriver]

Hi, a hug to you both, 

I am sorry I didn't respond earlier to you, dreamriver. I did read what you wrote and I planned to respond later. I am glad you enjoyed my Joni Mitchell reference  She is an amazing woman.

I am hearing you both about denial. It is definitely frightening to confront it. I like what dreamriver said - "slowly unwrapping it". I think that is a good way to approach  SaB

No worries SaB like other threads I leave a message and it tends to leave my mind. 

[Violet Magenta]

This has been a very helpful thread. Denial keeps coming up for me as well, and I find myself getting very frustrated about it. I know I was abused, but I continually feel very guilty for saying it, or thinking it. Then I wonder if maybe I'm exaggerating. At the same time, I go around expecting abuse or thinking it's just normal. Or, worse, I'll think I deserve it. Because deep down, I have these lingering feelings that I'm repulsive and flawed. I pushed those feelings way down to get by, but they dogged me and dragged me down. It's truly awful, and I feel for all of us who suffer from persistent NSC. It can be excruciatingly painful and makes it difficult to get support from others because mostly I just want to hide. Yes, S&B, "exposed" is  the perfect word for it, and it's something I'm working on gently: first with allowing the very difficult feelings to exist, acknowledging them, and to be especially kind to that part of me, and secondly to practice a sort of exposure therapy to feeling exposed, but in a safe setting, so as not to re-traumatize myself. Like this forum Hugs to everyone in this thread for all you've been through

[SharpAndBlunt]

Thank you Violet Magenta, for sharing. I recognise deeply those feelings. Working on it gently is great progress. That's what I'm working at doing at the moment too.