Consecutive times of being overpowered TW:physical, mention of s*xual abuse

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marta1234

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I know for a while now that when I reach a new stage in trauma, I will want to talk about it. So here it goes.
I know I’ve mentioned this before in my journal, and I understand if this specific thing makes people uncomfortable, so no pressure to respond. So please read this with your discretion.

For me, it feels like this is the most terrifying thing I’ve been through. And I know I’ve been haunted by this for my whole life since the abuse started intensely. I know that I haven’t been sexually abused. But whenever I see someone’s body being overpowered (in movies and in real life) physically (even if it is consensual), I can’t stand it. I can’t stand seeing that because all that I see is myself being overpowered, again and again. I cannot feel the real intensity and grave ness of the situation that I went through every time (I cannot remember), but all I know is that clearly I dissociated all the time, and I feel like every time with “practice” I knew how to play my role very well. Maybe this is why after time (as I was physically assaulted most days), I learnt to give up on my body and my free will. Perhaps that is why, when I want to describe this weekly occurrence, I feel as if this was sexual assault when it wasn’t, and even now, I wish to use the word “assault” to characterize this abuse, as I feel more understood by that and it’s meaning.
I also wanted to add that in most cases I almost felt like I was dying (that is why when a character is on the verge of dying, it just brings me back to this place).

I hope again that I’m not offending any SA survivor, as I know that it happening in real life is different and adds to the trauma. I wanted to post and talk about this for once in my life, as I’ve been silent for so long. I also wanted to feel your support, because this community is the only thing that keeps me going in my trauma recovery journey. I did ask if this was offensive in my journal, and everyone understood and sent their support, but I still wanted to write the disclaimer (partly for myself as reassurance).
 :hug: Thank you for reading this far.
« Last Edit: November 26, 2020, 06:11:29 PM by marta1234 »

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notalone

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Marta, I hear that being overpowered is terrifying. Makes sense that when you see someone being overpowered, it brings up those feelings of terror. BTW, I am a CSA survivor and I didn't find anything offensive in what you wrote.

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marta1234

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Thank you notalone. I was scared to write this, as I think a lot of us are, but Iím glad I did speak my truth for once.

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Bach

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I'm scared to write about things that touch on sex and sexual abuse.  It's an incredibly confusing topic for me.  I was not overtly sexually abused, but sexuality was much more present in my life throughout my childhood than it should have been, thanks to a mother who had no sense of what was or wasn't appropriate for a child to be exposed to.  Also, I now understand that my best friend during my pre-teen years had been sexually abused at some point before the age of 10, although at the time she spoke of it as having already had a boyfriend and having had sex with him, which, I'm afraid, was aspirational to me at the time, thanks to having been my sex-obsessed mother's confidante as well as the tag-along to many outings with her and her sex-obsessed mother in which they talked a lot about, well, sex.  So I grew up placing an outsized importance on sex.  That has led me into plenty of emotional and situational trouble throughout the course of my life.  There's still the potential for trouble there.  Not like it used to be when I was younger, but, oh yeah, still there. 

Further confusion about CSA and what it is results from my relationship with Other, who had some kind of a sexual relationship with a male teacher when he was a pre-teen.  I don't know much about it (I don't know many details about his history at all, I realise), but he has mentioned it a few times over the years and has always insisted that it was good and he wanted it, and that the teacher didn't do anything wrong.  Aside from my knowledge that his having wanted it and enjoyed it doesn't mean the teacher didn't do anything wrong, I understand why Other feels that way, but I've learned a bit about him this year that I didn't know before, and I've come to feel that it had a much greater impact than he realises. 

I hope this isn't offensive to anybody, and marta, I hope you don't feel that I'm hijacking your thread.  I have wanted to write about this for a long time and was too uncertain.  I never know where I fit in with any of these categories of abuse because everything that happened to me as a child was so weird.  My abuse comprised elements of all these things with no obvious pattern to be given a label and connected directly to my dysfunction.  Sometimes one of the things I'm angriest at is that I have nowhere for good or ill to "fit in". 

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sanmagic7

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marta and bach, thank you for so bravely sharing your truth here. i hope it helped. assault is just that, whether physical, mental, emotional - for that period of time, you are not in control.  my heart is with all csa survivors.  i give you all so much credit for speaking out - it takes a lot of courage, and i believe it helps renew a piece of your own strength which had been taken from you.  sending much love and hugs filled with support and validation. :grouphug:

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marta1234

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Bach, grateful that you spoke your truth somewhere, where you felt it was right. Iím sorry that you had to go through that, it is very confusing. I also feel unable to talk about sexual topics, because of what I felt (even if, as you said, it was never outright SA).
Sending you support Bach, and a hug (if itís ok)  :hug:

PS. I didnít feel it as you hijacking my thread, Iím happy that you were able to write this out. It also helps me feel less alone with the whole not ďfitting inĒ.
And thank you San for your kind words.  :hug: