The urge to isolate

[Windflower]

I am having an extremely bad day. Trigger warning because I'm not going to sugar coat anything I need to get it out and I don't have anybody I can talk to today.

I'm struggling to accept the cptsd stuff. I want to fight it. I want to get over it, suck it up, or just move the **** on. Every time I feel an ounce of relief I just grab onto it and completely ignore any symptoms that pop up until I can't anymore. I'm working on that but it is so hard as you know. Acceptance feels like giving up. Because I do not want this to be my life.

I know everybody always talks about how time heals and things get better and people can heal... but this is a whole different kind of demon. Because of the nature of my original trauma, my triggers are EVERYWHERE. Children are triggers. Pregnant people. Locations. Words. Smells. Men. All men. Songs. I'm triggered dozens of times a day. I would have to leave the country to get away from them. I can't even narrow them down really. I don't actively run and avoid them but because they're so incessant I just get to this point where I can't take it anymore and have a breakdown.

Like today, I had to pick something up from my FOO. I got within 10 miles of them and my anxiety just shot through the roof. I turned into a familiar street and couldn't stop crying. I'll be spending the rest of today wrapped in a heavy blanket just trying to breathe. No amount of progressive muscle relaxation, positive thinking, or breathing takes the edge off that.

I find myself feeling horrible and guilty. Because when I left I wished with all my heart I had a different family I could go to. That I could just walk into their house and talk and cry and they'd be there for me. But it takes years to develop that kind of trust with people. I talk to my friends about this stuff but it doesn't really help much. I feel like I should be going out trying to find a family to adopt me and I feel horribly guilty that I just cannot bring myself to do that. It's taking everything I've got not to cut off the friends I have just because I don't want anybody to get close. I keep them close as I can (reasonably anyway) but my very best friend I can't even see in person because she's so triggering (yes I have talked to her about that).

I'm just at a loss. What does a 'good' life with ptsd look like? Clearly not self destructing is goal #1. But beyond that. Is it ok that I don't believe I should be married or have children because my symptoms are so pervasive and severe? Is it ok that I manage as well as I can with supplements before meds? I tried virtual therapy and it didn't help. Too detached. Someday I want to do it in person but with covid no ones doing that now. Does it mean I'm just making myself worse because I can't do casual hangouts with people unless it's for an ulterior reason (travel, trying new boutiques, movies, etc.) ?

I feel like a child and sometimes it makes me angry because I am an adult. I have a great lifestyle, I'm very high functioning, but everyone I know is getting married, or having kids and I just feel like I should not be on the planet like I don't have a right to exist.

Anyway. Thanks for listening just one of those days.

[Not Alone]

Windflower, what you are experiencing right now sounds awful. I'm glad you are wrapping yourself in a blanket. I hope it brings you at least a degree of comfort. Living with cptsd is really hard. "Is it okay. . . ?" Where you are at, is okay.

[Windflower]

♥️💔

[marta1234]

Windflower, you're not alone in this. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time. I constantly battle with these thoughts everyday too (although "battle" is a bit of strong word, i usually give in to what my ic is saying). At the end of the day, i feel like everything is a trigger. Objects are triggers. Pictures are triggers. Light (on my bad days) is a trigger. Songs also for me have been triggering for a year or more so, so I've been sticking to soundtracks of shows or tv series that I like as my music. I haven't watched a movie in months, I only can watch a specific tv series because if not, then any other always upsets me and makes me feel scared by the end. It feel so discouraging when I think about it, when I see other people mindlessly and without problems watch movies, listen to pop songs and live life without feelings these triggers. But what I'd tell myself is that at least I have music that I like and that helps, and is not triggering. Something that is therapeutic. I tell myself that at least I can find relief and comfort when needed through my things, even if they seem pretty picky and bizarre to other people. I don't know if this helps, but I thought it'd be helpful to share my perspective.
In any case, I'm sending you lots of support and hugs (if it's ok), and hoping that you could find some comfort in this day, or the next    .

[Windflower]

marta1234:

YES. All of that is true for me as well. Thank you I appreciate the time you took  to detail your own experience. Even some of my friends with ptsd sometimes don't understand because they have a trigger or two once every couple weeks. So when I tell them I have dozens a day they're just kind of baffled or sometimes shocked.

[dreamriver]

I'm struggling to accept the cptsd stuff. I want to fight it. I want to get over it, suck it up, or just move the **** on. Every time I feel an ounce of relief I just grab onto it and completely ignore any symptoms that pop up until I can't anymore. I'm working on that but it is so hard as you know. Acceptance feels like giving up. Because I do not want this to be my life.

Windflower I relate to this so much. As soon as I feel relief from a flashback, I hang onto the normalcy so hard and begin piling up the denial and distancing myself from the triggers and symptoms, because I so badly don't want to feel them again, and keep having a "normal" life, and then before I know it....

"I want to fight it..." I don't fight it anymore. Can't say it's helped but at least I'm less exhausted.

I turn to supplements before meds too. When it's really bad nothing makes it better. I have literally wasted xanax on flashbacks. Because it goes far beyond just CNS anxiety, I really do feel. The only way is through....

I hope what I wrote helps, and even if it doesn't, it feels like some sort of "company." I too just can't talk to anyone about this stuff. If I do, I feel more drainets than relieved by my own self. It is very lonely. Thank heavens for this forum...

[Windflower]

I hope what I wrote helps, and even if it doesn't, it feels like some sort of "company." I too just can't talk to anyone about this stuff. If I do, I feel more drainets than relieved by my own self. It is very lonely. Thank heavens for this forum...

The company is a comfort for sure. I do think I need to learn not to fight it. But I don't know how... it feels like when you're close to death and all of a sudden your survival mechanisms kick in and won't let you die. I'm scared of what happens if I stop fighting. But I hope like you it'll not be so exhausting or at least maybe I won't loathe myself so much. Yes thank goodness for this forum. If only we could all get together for real someday.

[Picasso]

I am having an extremely bad day. Trigger warning because I'm not going to sugar coat anything I need to get it out and I don't have anybody I can talk to today.

I'm struggling to accept the cptsd stuff. I want to fight it. I want to get over it, suck it up, or just move the **** on. Every time I feel an ounce of relief I just grab onto it and completely ignore any symptoms that pop up until I can't anymore. I'm working on that but it is so hard as you know. Acceptance feels like giving up. Because I do not want this to be my life.

I know everybody always talks about how time heals and things get better and people can heal... but this is a whole different kind of demon. Because of the nature of my original trauma, my triggers are EVERYWHERE. Children are triggers. Pregnant people. Locations. Words. Smells. Men. All men. Songs. I'm triggered dozens of times a day. I would have to leave the country to get away from them. I can't even narrow them down really. I don't actively run and avoid them but because they're so incessant I just get to this point where I can't take it anymore and have a breakdown.

Like today, I had to pick something up from my FOO. I got within 10 miles of them and my anxiety just shot through the roof. I turned into a familiar street and couldn't stop crying. I'll be spending the rest of today wrapped in a heavy blanket just trying to breathe. No amount of progressive muscle relaxation, positive thinking, or breathing takes the edge off that.

I find myself feeling horrible and guilty. Because when I left I wished with all my heart I had a different family I could go to. That I could just walk into their house and talk and cry and they'd be there for me. But it takes years to develop that kind of trust with people. I talk to my friends about this stuff but it doesn't really help much. I feel like I should be going out trying to find a family to adopt me and I feel horribly guilty that I just cannot bring myself to do that. It's taking everything I've got not to cut off the friends I have just because I don't want anybody to get close. I keep them close as I can (reasonably anyway) but my very best friend I can't even see in person because she's so triggering (yes I have talked to her about that).

I'm just at a loss. What does a 'good' life with ptsd look like? Clearly not self destructing is goal #1. But beyond that. Is it ok that I don't believe I should be married or have children because my symptoms are so pervasive and severe? Is it ok that I manage as well as I can with supplements before meds? I tried virtual therapy and it didn't help. Too detached. Someday I want to do it in person but with covid no ones doing that now. Does it mean I'm just making myself worse because I can't do casual hangouts with people unless it's for an ulterior reason (travel, trying new boutiques, movies, etc.) ?

I feel like a child and sometimes it makes me angry because I am an adult. I have a great lifestyle, I'm very high functioning, but everyone I know is getting married, or having kids and I just feel like I should not be on the planet like I don't have a right to exist.

Anyway. Thanks for listening just one of those days.

Hi Windflower, thank you for not sugar coating it.   I'm glad you were able to get things out.  I can definitely relate with you in wanting to fight the CPTSD. I'm still in that place myself.  It's easier to accept it on days were it feels like it's a "good" day or you're improving.  Definitely really hard to accept on a day like you're having.  Isn't it frustrating when people tell you it'll get better when you're in a flashback or being triggered? I know people mean well but sometimes the best thing they can do is just listen and empathize.  I'm sorry that you're family is not meeting your needs.  I have had the adoption fantasy before as well with other people that I view as capable of meeting my needs. That pain is then further compounded by the guilt you feel.  We're here for you.  Thanks for sharing. 

[Windflower]

Thank you Picasso  :hug  so true.

[dollyvee]

Hi Windflower,

I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed  by people. I feel anxious when I get too close, that people don't really care or I'm too vulnerable. I realized that not everyone had this feeling after explaining it once to a friend. Emdr has helped give me more space with my anxiety, and certain things don't trigger me as much any more.

Hope you find some relief,
dollyvee