Why is it so hard to accept?

[Toya2007]

Hey everyone, so I have been having mental health treatment for years and finally last year my therapist diagnosed me with CPTSD. My problem is that I have a father (deceased) who was narcissistic  and a mother who, well I'm not sure what she is. I was my fathers golden child, and as a result my mother gave most of the attention to my brother and sister. I have never been able to speak bad about mum, because she can't handle any criticism. 
My whole life I have felt like I need to tiptoe around her wants and needs because she might explode into tears exclaiming how i have made her upset or how my pain hurts her so I couldn't show how much pain I was in. I feel like she hasn't been able to support me and sometimes she has been down right nasty. Saying that I'm making my own mental health worse for myself, that I'm causing my own panic attacks, she talks about how when I was a toddler I broke her heart because I wanted to go with my Dad not her. When she found out I was self harming she told me that I was stupid and I should stop because it hurts her.
Basically the dynamic of my family was that my mum, brother and sister were on one side and my dad and I on the other. It was always my Dad and I who were 'upsetting people' 'picking' on my sister. Mum can't accept her part In my pain, I always felt like I was too much for her, like my pain wasn't worthy of attention because it would hurt her.
I don't remember being hugged, I remember when my boyfriend who was a family friend too, tried it on with my sister excuses were made for him. When he got me up against a wall by my throat she said she couldn't cut him out of her life because he was 'like a son to her'.  When I was raped by a boyfriend I was asked if I was sure, when another boyfriend emotionally blackmailed me into sexual acts the reply was 'well we all have to do things that we don't want to'
There's too many things to even write and yet I'm sat here with an eating disorder, OCD, panic disorder and everything else that goes with CPTSD and still finding it hard to say things were bad. I'm terrified that she's going to find out that I have written this, I'm just so scared.
How do I stop all of this? How do I just be okay? I'm so tired.
I'm sorry for writing all of this, I just needed to get it out somewhere.

[Not Alone]

Toya2007, your family had such mixed up boundaries and roles. Just what you shared, to me says that "things were that bad." I'm glad you shared. You are worthy to be heard.

[rainydiary]

Toya, I appreciate you sharing your story. You have uncovered a lot and I hope that you find ease as you move forward.

[SharpAndBlunt]

... still finding it hard to say things were bad. I'm terrified that she's going to find out that I have written this, I'm just so scared.
How do I stop all of this? How do I just be okay? I'm so tired.

Hi Toya2007, this part of your post resonates with me because I recognise it so much.

From what you've said, your family dysfunction sounds like it has a lot of denial baked in. This can make it hard for us to believe ourselves.

I agree with what's said above, you deserve to be heard and you have done great to post despite your fear.

[Gromit]

Wow, in a way this reminds me of my mother, although in my case she is the narcissistic one, my father was an enabler and I was 'just like your father' but my mother certainly was not interested in me, everything was about her, how she felt, still is.

G

[mojay]

Hi Toya, thank you for sharing!
I really relate to what you said about not remembering being hugged but remembering the bad things, my memories are like that too. I hope an e-hug from me is all right 

How do I stop all of this? How do I just be okay? I'm so tired.

I hope that writing to us and facing all these difficult things that weren't validated by your mother has helped ease the burden. Some people cope with life's atrocities through denial and I really feel for you because your mother's denial is hurting you. And I also feel for you because of what happened to you.
I wish I had more answers to your questions, but I believe that treatment for CPTSD will truly help you to be okay. I hope you are able to rest and recoup.
Please know that it's perfectly okay to write as much as you need to let it out, you did a really great job! I hope you can keep writing to us and sharing things that you need to share. We hear and accept your truth!

[Bella]

The part about having a hard time saying your childhood was bad resonates with me. I had a narcissistic/psychopathic father, that created and icecold atmosphere of fear and uncertainty whenever. He wasn't  sexually or physically abusive, but I was always on high alert not to upset him in any way. I did have a mother who tried her best to make our days manageable, but she could only keep her head above water if she worked her head off! She wasn't available sort of speak. My point is our facade looked fine! Us kids behaved beautifully, and because of our mum we didn't lack food, clean clothes, etc. How can one say it was bad? So many people have had it much worse....!

But looking at the symptoms I've been struggling with most of my life, and how little I function socially, emotionally and with work, I'm starting to realise I must have many wounds. Deep emotional wounds affect every aspect of life! It's confusing, I know... but it's time to give ourselves that acknowledgement. That we we were deeply hurt, and that it has affected our life profoundly. It might just be the most important realisation to start our healing journey.
Sending you lots of support, and a hug if that's ok with you! 

[Kizzie]

Hey Toya, there were a few reasons I figured out over time about why I found it hard to accept.

I didn't want to let go of the hope that my parents would love me.  I took responsibility because it meant there was the possibility that things would change if I just kept working at things. They never did and never would because of their NPD, that last bit was an awful truth to face but freeing too.

The other part I struggled to accept was that my parents didn't love me. Didn't that mean I was unlovable?  If your own parents don't love you...  What I didn't know then was that there was another explanation which didn't have anything to do with me, but the trauma my parents went through and their inability to love themselves or anyone else. 

Finally, being diagnosed with Complex PTSD was a relief in some ways, but also meant I had deep wounds and much to overcome/deal with in recovery.  I had to give up denial and dissociation which had been comforting to a degree. 

It's tough emotional shift to make so please be kind and if my experience is anything to go by, doing so slowly and with kindness, compassion and support along with rest and reducing stress when and where I could because it takes a lot of energy and inner resources to confront our trauma.

Here's a link you may find difficult but it confirms why we struggle and that can be of some comfort and help in accepting that what you experienced was trauma - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201802/the-real-effect-narcissistic-parenting-children.