Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

New Journal

I'm moving forwards. I'm most definitely moving forwards and I no longer feel that I need to pressurise myself into doing therapy homework (or feel bad that I'm not doing it while expecting my own students to do their language homework) or pressurise myself into taking concrete steps. Because I now do those things automatically when the time is right, which isn't always right away.

One concrete way in which I can see that I'm moving forwards is telling myself to breathe and not panic about the fact that one of my adult students is stopping just before Christmas, my traumatised student is not coming at all atm and I don't know when she'll be restarting, another adult student is stopping in February and there are no new inquiries atm. Breathe. This situation comes up again and again. New inquiries will come, they always do. My new increased price is not the problem, so don't worry.

Btw my final post in my previous Journal contains some pretty important points. I may write there again regarding that topic and anybody is welcome to read it and post on it there. 

[Bach]

This sounds so encouraging and positive!  Congratulations on moving forwards, Blueberry 

[Snowdrop]

 

Well done, Blueberry, and hooray for new journals!

[woodsgnome]

Blueberry, your new turn reminds me of something I recently read. It suggested that mindfulness, often thought of as 'living in the moment', is actually more effective when considered as 'living in the movement'.

Everything's in constant movement, even though we stop for a moment at various times and places in life's trek. Especially regarding coming out of trauma, I tend to think of life as a long wilderness journey, with no maps.

So -- welcome to the new movement you're sensing. May it prove to be full of discoveries and insights as you continue the path towards wholeness.   

[Not Alone]

I no longer feel that I need to pressurise myself into doing therapy homework . . . or pressurise myself into taking concrete steps. Because I now do those things automatically when the time is right, which isn't always right away.

                            
Love the title and meaning for your new journal!

[sanmagic7]

forwards feels so right for you, blueberry.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody! I'm grinning from ear to ear

The friend who drops by and helps me a little with cleaning she noticed today how much more motivated I am and she could sense the moving-forward-energy which was cool! To lots of people it wouldn't be immediately apparent. I'm not suddenly this super-focussed efficiently-working person... I think my face is more animated atm, my posture more upright. My voice may also sound more animated, the tone less monotonous maybe. I feel as if I'm bubbling with plans to move on and ideas to look into as well as having energy to deal with this that and the other like cleaning, tidying, rearranging some furniture, replying to some emails (fairly neutral ones, not FOO or anything). Sometimes so much is bubbling up, I don't even know where to start. There has been some of that today, but I'm getting better at - what's the word in English?? - directing the energy into the task I'm best capable of doing and/or most want to do in that moment rather than going internally crazed at the amount of energy but incapable of utilising it in that moment (or on that day, in those weeks...).

For the past couple of days I've been remembering a painting I did in art therapy probably in about 2003, done pretty quickly with a big brush and splodges of paint, painting my emotions rather than a picture. It turned out like a glass tumbler with little circles at the bottom which got bigger and moved higher and higher up the glass and went bubbling up and bursting into the air above the glass. I remember the art therapist and other patients commenting on the energy and the movement. Now it's come. Undoubtedly I've felt energy and movement like this before, just to much less of a degree. But still it amazes how much some part of me back then knew what potential I carry in me!

[Blueberry]

Today is a very slow can't-be-bothered sort of day. So this thread reminds me that I'm still moving forwards but need a little break today, a little rest.

[Not Alone]

Listening to yourself and what you need sounds like forward movement to me. For those of us who are learning to be attuned to our own needs and then act on the belief that we are worthy of self-care, it actually is a very big thing.

[sanmagic7]

   you're doing great, blueberry!    love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you for pointing that out, notalone! I hadn't even thought of that.

I had a doc appt today at 9 am in the other part of town, with a long hill to cycle up. But I made it on time, early even It was difficult getting out of bed and getting going. I didn't brush my hair, too much emotional effort combined with too little time after I'd finally got up. I didn't bother mentioning my unbrushed hair to my doc as proof of things not going too well atm. For me that's good because it means I was concentrating on bigger issues and especially my forwards progress. I did say I was a little down but I knew I'd come back up again and as of about an hour ago, I feel better motivated so that means I'm definitely on the way back up. It's a crucial phase though because a less than beneficial activity could tip me back into non-motivation.

I finally sent an email to FOO on: nope, no phone call. Maybe that's when my motivation rose back up to the surface? Yes, the inner head is nodding.

[Bach]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Wishing you the best with this new journal, and I really like the title you've chosen for it.  'Moving Forwards' - it is a great title, and very meaningful.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope             Atm I feel as if I'm stagnating. Or maybe better tripping myself up so I can't move forwards? No actually, I did once discover that this "tripping myself up" thing is what has been suggested to me by people including therapists who are trying to hurry me along and who don'T get an answer from me on what's going on so they come up with this 'logical' explanation. Except the results of cptsd are not logical ime. They may have been a logical consequence when I developed them as a child but since then I've spend decades applying them in other instances and it's if they've taken on a life of their own.

Maybe I'm simply expecting too much of myself atm? Not that I'm doing much. Not at all. It's hard to push myself through the simplest tasks. Took my meds, showered and washed my hair. Gave my pets some hay. Cleaned out about 10% of their massive accommodation. Just sent an important email. It's 3pm.

[Blueberry]

Well, it's 9:45 and I've had my tea and breakfast, all my meds incl. Vit D, have washed my office windows and also some glass doors etc (communal areas) and also my Plexiglas divider in office, so that's better than yesterday anyway. I was still in bed this time yesterday. Oh, I also did a little tidying, very little, but still every little bit helps me get back on track.

Last night I at least started rough drafts of emails to my ll and I confirmed a further step with the guy who did my window decals and who is now working on a sign for me on the building front. I also wrote a Highly Recommended / Could list for today, something I hadn't done for about 10 days.

For whatever reasons I couldn't write Joys and Things to be Grateful For last night though I thought it would do me good. I haven't written them for what seems like weeks now. Maybe it's not that long idk. I mostly wrote them in my paper Journal. So here goes:

I feel Grateful that I have good friends who are checking in on me atm, mostly via email and phone. But sometimes also dropping by with things like homemade apple juice, jam, and greens for my pets.

I feel Joy that two separate friends sent me a homemade Advent calendar - a type I've never had before. It's a box with 24 little packets or envelopes, numbered for each day. I know that each friend will have put a lot of thought and creativity into it and friendship too.

I feel Joy that a couple of plants are still blooming in my garden, despite the frosts at night. Idk how the plants are managing but they are. I've been able to pick some low-growing plants for my pets too.

I feel Grateful that my pets seem less fussy eaters atm. Maybe they feel grateful for the remains of some garden greens before winter so eat what they'd normally leave?