Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Going to remind myself of some Good Things Today:
1) I managed to shove this friendship topic (previous post) far enough away to teach my 2 students
2) I reached out to 2 more students who both almost started in 2020 but then backed out. So just a little reminder call to see if they might have changed their minds.
3) Yesterday I contacted somebody about translating a little book she wrote and published for an organisation. I got an email back today - which is fast (!) and said she certainly wouldn't stand in my way.    She gave me some helpful information too, possibly inadvertently.
4) I haven't dissociated or otherwise left reality.

In What Way Can a Crisis Be Helpful (for me)?
I feel as if I'm in a crisis, spinning around. So here reminding myself what kind of positive outcome I can expect from this level of crisis. Caution: I don't mean that a crisis might be good for anybody else on here.
1) After a crisis I tend to move forwards and make pretty big progress
2) It has shaken me up a bit and got me looking at various topics I probably wouldn't have been looking at otherwise
3) There's energy in my anger and I am managing to use the energy for myself in some ways, see e.g. Good Things Today, beginning of this post. Some ways are better than no ways.
4) I no longer feel as if I'm stagnating.
5) I thought-stopped my ICr today
6) It could be after I'm through this that I'll even say it was worth it to get me practising various techniques e.g. contradicting ICr, doing some EFT again including in my imagination. Could be. I'll leave that open.
7) I'm remembering things I was told years and years ago in T e.g. once when I was in a bit of a crisis in inpatient T and couldn't do some activity with my hands, a T merely pointed that out. i remembered that while trying some Sudoku and a crossword this evening. Can't do them. Too jittery, can't concentrate. Not even important to do in this situation.
8 ) I asked my current T if he had any cancellations this week. He doesn't, but can give me an appointment a few days early next week. That's good. But it's good I asked too.
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I remember once my T asked: "You have friends who treat you like this??" He might well say that in this instance too. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your reflection and how you are being curious about all aspects of your experience.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary. I'm trying to see some positives as well as keep moving forwards and/or remind myself that I'm doing so.
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I think other mbrs might have mentioned something like this recently: being sick of the feeling that this never ends. It seems I try so hard and still end up banging my head (metaphorically.)

I know that one of the things I pretty constantly do is feel energy to do something, start doing so, and then chicken out, step back, pause for longer and longer, give up. I KNOW that I need to clear things with the friend I mentioned in previous posts but when I start writing (my choice of communication method), I get all mixed up with what I should say or can. What will hurt her (potentially), what will turn her away from me automatically?

I had a pretty good talk with my psych doc today. He gave me moral support for bringing this up with my friend. He also explained to me some of what is going on and his explanations correlate to my thoughts. Some things are new. I know it's 'dumb' but I don't want to bother my friend with this issue because she has a really difficult work week, she even said on Sunday when she phoned about this that she feels on the verge of collapse at work. HEY! says my psych doc - she feels on the verge of collapse but she still managed to talk to your M?? Something wrong going on there. SHE - my friend - needs to look at some of her issues re: my parents and the limits she sets them. 

Anyway, what is impolite about the sentence: "That's between you and Blueberry."?? Here too my psych doc said these are my friend's issues.

I feel so dumb, so naive. I feel duped. I've fallen for it again. I haven't set limits early and forcefully enough for them to be taken seriously.

I do have the ability to shut down some of those inner voices but it's hard for me to keep going with it. I hear FOO's mocking "ha ha. Even your friends aren't there for you. We win. You lose." Although a healing part of me knows, newly, that it's not about winning, it's about setting limits that work for me even if somebody else feels hurt by that, it's very hard for me to stay in this part of me that's healed, that has this new knowledge.

It's a step forward that a part of me that tends to go haywire when I feel deep emotional pain isn't quite so near the surface as would be expected. It's there, it's going slightly haywire, it's still suggesting that either flying off the handle or not existing anymore would be the best solutions atm, but the suggestions are not as loud or as forceful as in previous times.

There is much more going on internally but I can't write more atm. All sorts of 'topics' have been latched onto and stirred up.

[Alter-eg0]

I think other mbrs might have mentioned something like this recently: being sick of the feeling that this never ends. It seems I try so hard and still end up banging my head (metaphorically.)

Yeah, I definitely feel you on that one. And especially in those moments, it's easy to lose track of what you have achieved, and that there are thankfully also (more and more) wins and good times alongside the challenges.

I see your struggle. And it makes total sense to feel frustrated, hopeless, and all that stuff. Don't forget to allow yourself to sit with that, too, before you pick yourself up and try again

Take care!

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your validation, Alter-eg0. Thank you for hearing me.
________________
I phoned a friend this evening, one who also has cptsd and who I know from inpatient therapy. She understood me, validated and supported me. I know I can trust her, I know it's genuine.

She reminded me that I might slip into Freeze and so to be aware of that. So I'm reminding myself to keep moving in some way even if just sitting at the table playing Patience or walking from one room to another. Or going for a little walk in the snow. Or maybe even getting on with some easier emails and phone calls or a little cleaning or something. Just to keep the ball rolling and to try and not slip into my childhood reaction of curling up and not doing anything instead of letting other people's reactions wash over me like water off a duck's back.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Your friend's support sounds so helpful, and I'm glad she is someone you can trust.  Her reminder about the Freeze potential is so helpful - I read that and it made such a lot of sense to me as well.  Hope you are able to keep the ball rolling and stay out of freeze.  Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

M went and contacted a friend of mine again on some flimsy excuse. M was soooo concerned. I hate this. When it really comes down to it, when their concern would be appropriate, M and F don't give it. Unfortunately my friends without PDs in their lives tend to make some excuse for my parents, or at least they 'understand'. So this is I guess just something I have to accept. Can't change my parents, can't change my friends.

No, I don't have to accept it. I have just written my thoughts to this friend and set her a real limit: me or my parents. I can't change my friends, it's true. But I can say what I think and feel. And I can change my behaviour in regards to them in order to protect myself.

So I sent my missive   I didn't have to wait for my T appointment on Mon. I've managed on my own

Today I feel less apprehensive about the possible fall-out from my friend. It won't be easy for me if she decides to prioritise her friendship with my parents or if she gives me aggro about it not being very adult behaviour to expect somebody to choose, but I'll survive. I am getting stronger, more resilient and better at recognising other people's unhealthy behaviour especially when it's negatively impacting me and my life. "Won't be easy" means it will be very painful, but I won't spiral as low as I have on previous occasions, like when I realised what FOO mbrs really think of me, behind their nice lies.

_________________________
Thank you Hope Reading your words again now is very helpful because my body is beginning to numb a little.

[Alter-eg0]

Good job, Blueberry.

You're setting a boundary, and rightfully so. I guess this falls in line with "Love it, change it, or leave it". If you can't accept/love it, and you can't change her or the way you feel about it/respond to it (without damaging yourself or the other), than opting to leave is the best choice. That's not childish; that's making sure that both of you can live your life as your best self.
What's that saying? Boundaries are where I can love both you and me simultaniously? Something like that anyway.

Take care.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for the validation, Alter-eg0!
I haven't actually opted to leave yet. I've given my friend a choice. I'll see how she reacts. I know it may not be in a very accepting way, but it could be. Have to wait and see.

As usual setting a boundary has given me a rush of energy combined with a feeling of stability and being well-grounded in my Adult person of today. Took my meds, cooked up my homemade soup-from-scratch, washed dishes, did some tidying up, ran some errands, gave Little Furry her meds. I feel better, generally, than before I even heard about the conversation between M and my friend. Funny how that works. This isn't the first time this friend didn't accept my limits so maybe there's always a vestige of the hurt and the feeling of powerlessness from all those times I haven't been able to set a limit, even from recent times, which then presses me down, makes me feel small and robs me of my energy.

[Alter-eg0]

Glad you're feeling better, Blueberry.

I too find that taking an important step, big or small, can make you feel a lot more "in charge" and put you in some kind of positive flow. Don't you just love it when that happens
I think this is especially the case when it comes to setting boundaries. It's almost like you're showing the younger versions of yourself that you're not a helpless child anymore, and that you all have more tools now. Although it does take time and practice for them to get on board and really feel it too.

[Blueberry]

Moving forwards in even more ways! I was formulating a letter to M and F in my head and the wording is much changed over even yesterday. Not necessarily what I'll actually write but ideas like: "if you want contact, you've got to respect my limits." That's an unknown language for them. Respect an adult child??!? How does that work??

Just because they don't grasp that sort of concept - treating somebody and their decisions respectfully just because they are another human being rather than older than you or somebody from whom you want something - in no way means I don't deserve it and in no way means I have to just put up with their behaviour.

Even these ideas like - if the person behaves like an adult, we'll treat them as one, if not, forget it - doesn't hold water with me any more. As in if you're properly employed and able to support yourself, pay your own stuff, then your parents will respect you. If not, as in my case, forget it, you're still your parents' child. No. Not buying it. I'm an adult. Anyway, in the years I was able to support myself properly, my parents didn't treat me like an adult either, not even in my own home. People who don't want to respect you as a fellow human being can always find some reason not to.

[Blueberry]

 Lots of  today. I remembered san posting about lots of us needing sleep during recovery. Thanks san! That helped me today to recognise how strenuous the following are for me: 1) simply approaching somebody to say - not OK, 2) setting an actual limit 3) working it all out in my head and feelings and formulating it 4) the feelings, memories and realisations that come afterward. It's all worse when it's somebody I feel close to.

All things considered, I've done pretty well today. It's a day i could have seen my friend or her h around town, but I still went out and ran errands eg. the market, where they go too. When i sit up straight, feet flat on the floor (grounded), I'm more in my most recent Adult of here and now who says: it's quite acceptable to set a friend a limit! This friend has said "No" to me too in the past. She can simply do it with one word or lack of a word or whatever. And I accept that. She needs to accept my "no" too or face consequences. At other times - bedtime surprisingly but also in situations where I might run into her - I feel the fear in my gut.

I fear meeting her h too, possibly even more so. The reason for that came clear: from FOO I'm used to at least one person standing behind the person I try to set a limit to. So I don't usually just have one person to deal with but more. I have no idea how her h will react. He liked my parents when he met them and possibly he has more in common with them than with me, or thinks he does, not sure if he really does. Age-wise he's between them and me. We're not close. Well, I can only wait and see how my friend reacts and then if she is willing to accept my 'rule' of - go ahead with your friendship but leave me out completely.

My F was also sometimes a looming figure in the background, kept out of arguments etc, but as soon as it looked as if I was rocking the boat too far, he'd jump in and end that. Or my M would bring him in: "you deal with her (me that is)". Cue M would leave phone and F on the other line would support her. I think my friend is more likely to manage this issue herself because she's more independent in many ways than M. In fact I don't think she would see herself as dependent on her h at all. She is after all a different generation from M and F and emotionally relatively healthy, but with a few blind spots. So looming figure: her h in my mind and my F. :lightbulb: when I get off here I can put her h up on my Screen and set up my protective barriers. I put my friend on there earlier which helped.

Anyway, it's helped me to write this out. Earlier, I joined a Zoom meeting of a social group I'm in. That was quite fun and I felt less queasy afterwards, meaning the queasiness might not have been food-connected. I actually ate quite healthily today, tho I had some cravings. Allowed myself a little honey in a hot drink, otherwise didn't give into sugar-cravings.

[Blueberry]

An article Pioneer posted today (thanks Pioneer!) led me to read a further article https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201705/how-child-can-become-narcissist

While I do not think that I am a narcissist, I could see the Parent pattern and my main reaction to it. Scenario 2 The Devaluing Narcissistic Parent. The Devaluing Parent even devalues the other parent. M did this to F, she treated him like a child, scolding and berating etc. He also devalued her, but chose different ways of doing so, more covert.  The Devaluing Parent produces 3 different categories of children: the Defeated, the Angry, the Rebellious. There was some Angry and Rebellious in me but my main type is: Defeated.

"Some of these children simply give up and accept defeat.  In their teenage years, after decades of being told that they are worthless, they may spiral down into a self-hating shame-based depression.  Then to escape their inner shame, they may try to lose themselves in impulsive, addictive behaviors. Some become alcoholics and drug addicts, others spend their days on the internet.  They never achieve their potential because they have been convinced that they have none." btw if my parents read this, they'd zero in on the word "decades" to explain the worthlessness of the article and the author because after all if you're only in your teens, you have been told things for only one and half decades; "decades of" would imply 2 or probably even more like 3 or 4.

I fail to see why The Defeated Child could be classified as narcissistic. I'm not putting that shoe on. But I do see myself in the description. I was way too good and scared to try out drugs and I was totally averse to alcohol seeing what it did to M and F's relationship and to us as children as a result, but instead I ate and my SH method is impulsive and almost like an addiction. It's also shame-based and full of self-hate. I had another kind of perverse way of escaping the inner shame: I agreed with it. "Yes, I am a loser", "Well, I'm a failure so what do you expect?" etc In retrospect that's very sad I hurt for me teenage self.

Reaching my potential: through recovery I've reached more of my potential than had I given up 20 years ago and not done tons of T etc, but it's like I'm decades behind where I could have been.

[sanmagic7]

my dear blueberry,

my heart aches for your words, thoughts, feelings.  i know them for myself as well. while some things have changed, i'm basically isolated (covid notwithstanding) because i've had to let go of not only husbands but friendships also. i can't count how many of those letters i've written and re-written, trying to get the wording right.  i congratulate you heartily  for sending that letter to your friend.   well done!

when the whole sexual harrassment in the workplace movement began, one of the suggestions that stuck with me was this:  if someone crosses a boundary (and i'm not talking anything physical) once, it's not necessarily harrassment.  however, if you tell them not to do anything like that again, and they do anyway, then it's a different story.  i think the same thing can apply in relationships of any kind.  someone might mess up, step over another person's boundary cuz they didn't know about it, but once it's made known, and they do it again,  then something's wrong - that's a sign of disrespect, that your boundary is being ignored, disregarded, demeaned, or dismissed.  my opinion, but one i've taken to heart over the past few years, and it keeps making more sense the longer i contemplate it.

the idea of narcissists: i think we all have a bit of narcissism within us. we are born totally narcissistic, because our entire world is us, what we want, what we need.  that defeated child you wrote about - hmmm . . . i suppose, from one point of view, the idea of  isolating from the world could be construed as such, but i don't see it as a description for most of the people here, including you. my definition of narc.  as a personality disorder, (very different from having narc. traits) includes the intent to hurt others, put them down, etc. because they feel so little about themselves, and the only way they feel powerful or important is to step on others.

that defeated child may be narcissistic in that they're only thinking of themselves, but i don't see that as intent to do it in order to hurt someone else.  they're simply trying to ease their own pain, shame, and guilt. they may be running from themselves, but they're not trying to make someone else feel smaller in order that they can feel bigger.  that's a huge difference in my book.

again, my opinion only.  sending love and a hug filled with support, validation for your decision to send that message, and continued courage to take care of yourself.  you deserve it.

[Pioneer]

Hi Blueberry! I know there is a lot to process about growing with with NPs and the effects that has on us. I'm sending you my support