Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your thoughts on this, notalone. Generally, I put a check mark in my diary next to an appointment that I've completed but when I get confused about what day it is that's not going to help. I might go and check off March instead, or something.  Anyway this is actually the first time that I've got weeks and days totally mixed up. Otherwise I have trouble putting papers in the correct order by date. It might be more helpful for me to go and reground instead.

[Blueberry]

This is so hard

I have been working on a response to this friend, but I took a longish break when I noticed I was beginning to write in circles. Then I decided I don't have to write a response before I'm ready to do so. So far some of my response has been pretty direct. We've been friends for about 20 years, things are certainly going to shift if there is not a complete rift. She half-laments things like if she sort of follows what I want she won't feel comfortable visiting my parents in their home country.  It's hard for me to see that as such an issue. Let's see: due to my LC with FOO, I feel I've lost both my original home countries. Especially where my parents live now, it's such a small country, I wouldn't feel safe going, even if in some hypothetical non-Corona year, I had money in order to do so. When I mentioned to F upon leaving last time, that it was sad for me since being in that country gives me something, he said "Tough-o!". I'm not kidding.

I have also lost my nephews and nieces, including one godchild, who are all still children. I have lost one SIL (because I don't want to cause any problems between her and my B, her husband). Strangely now, I notice how terrible it feels this: I've lost my home countries, especially the one where my parents live, the closer one, the one where theoretically I could go sometime. Rn it feels worse than losing people. I have lost my uncles. I have lost any hope of ever having a family-of-origin other than 'in name only'. I have lost years and years of my life. I have been badly retraumatised twice in which I lost memories and even lost my ability to form new memories, as if I (temporarily??) lost part of my brain. Etc etc etc. 

I just need some time to come to the inevitable conclusion.

[Blueberry]

Actually my T helped me see that it might be possible to continue this friendship. Might. He doesn't know, but it could be worth trying. I note my friend is having an allergic reaction at the idea of me forbidding her contact with my parents and at my demanding she puts the phone down if one of them calls her. I didn't actually say any of that to her, that's her interpretation. So my T is saying that it could be worthwhile trying to clear up that misunderstanding and then seeing where we can go from there. Because this friend obviously is different from my parents and the rest of FOO - up until now I would have said she is one of my best friends and the idea of cutting the friendship totally is hard. So trying again with her is different from the 1 million times I've already tried with FOO.

The other thing T said was: one way to end this triangulation is to tell my friend and her husband that I don't want to hear of any contact whatsoever that they have with my parents or any information about their region of the country or anything like that. Not that my T said anything about this but I realise that going forwards I will not mention my parents or any FOO mbrs or anything about my past to my friend or her husband. Taboo subject. If our friendship survives it will certainly shift somewhat.

Back to the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it. I can't control anybody or their behaviour, but I can change mine. Changing mine is not in the way I was taught by FOO: shutting up and accepting. No, it's changing the way I interact with the person: stopping the dance, dropping the rope. No triangulation possible if I back out and leave them to it. I understand why I didn't back out and leave FOO to it as a child and teenager but I am no longer that child/teenager.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Blueberry.

Thanks for sharing your process with what's been going on -- it has helped me put some perspective on my own dealings with these sorts of things (I no longer have anything like even the distant contact you have, though I'm still dealing with intrusive thoughts that resemble what you've reported).

Anyway, I appreciated the reminder of the 3 c's -- about how you didn't cause, can't cure, and can't control (except one's own actions). There's some pain there, but so much common sense. Part of the deal with cptsd, at least for me, is circling back to the vantage point of self-realization, and that I have the strength to do this, stepping further away from dropping into the trap of feeling like a victim.

Sorry to bop into your journal like this; all I wanted was to acknowledge how your approach has also helped fortify my own outlook in these sorts of situations.

[Blueberry]

Thank you woodsgnome for acknowledging and validating, no need for apologies at all. I know some mbrs on here don't want comments in their Journals but I've always been open to them.

With friendships I thought I was doing fairly well. From what I've read on here, many other mbrs have just a few friends or one or none but with obvious strengths where I don't, e.g. they're able to work enough to support themselves and/or they're in a partnership with children and/or they successfully launched their children into adulthood or at least they have enough energy to do the housework, look after themselves and their pets. I have ended a friendship or two since I've been on this forum, but I never thought I'd be coming close to ending this particular one. Yet, I guess some glimpses of problems were there, I had just not wanted to look at them. There were also some remarks or actions in the past which hurt me but I decided to forgive and forget. One instance still hurts a little when I think about it and it's also a loyalty issue, though nothing to do with FOO. Anyway, so I would say I've discovered that I'm not doing as well with friendships as I'd thought. As notalone posted further back, it's a life-long process.
- - - - -  -

I feel heartily sick of quite a lot of stuff atm. I do understand the need for lockdown and I am sticking to it, but I suddenly feel sick of it too. I could be doing things to make it easier for me e.g. going for a walk daily, singing with CDs daily, but I'm not. OK, well I know it's depression.

Although what I have been doing is: drinking tea, taking some of my meds, giving my little pet some of hers, sleeping at night, keeping warm, phoning and/or emailing other friends i.e. reaching out instead of pulling way, way back. I also ate a salad today, which was way healthier than anything else I had been eating recently.

[Not Alone]

Although what I have been doing is: drinking tea, taking some of my meds, giving my little pet some of hers, sleeping at night, keeping warm, phoning and/or emailing other friends i.e. reaching out instead of pulling way, way back. I also ate a salad today, which was way healthier than anything else I had been eating recently.

 

[Blueberry]

I felt kind of rushed by my friend to send her a reply by yesterday because of her work schedule and because she pointed out how much work she has atm, but in the end I didn't send her a reply. I worked on the reply but couldn't complete it. It's good for me that I didn't complete it because I have different thoughts now.

She feels put on the spot by me to choose between her vague acquaintanceship with my parents and a long-term friendship with me, which is especially difficult for her because her H has a less vague acquaintanceship with my F than my friend does with both my parents. I realise the choice I'm giving her is difficult for her because of her mindset and her lack of knowledge of relationship trauma, but what she is expecting from me is that I accept that she continues contact with my parents and answers questions about me that she considers OK instead of saying "I'm very sorry but you have to ask BB". I'm not going to accept that, but if I were to, I would be choosing her friendship and her vision of my boundaries towards my parents over my own feelings of what is right in my situation and especially choosing her vision over my own recovery. I'm not willing to do that.

If I were to go along with her vision of healthy relationships (towards her, towards my parents or other FOO mbrs), I would be sabotaging my own recovery. I have done quite enough of that in the past because of not knowing, not understanding the complexities of dysfunctional families and because of simply not daring.

I'm trying to stay in present-day but I am remembering a few situations with this friend, e.g. in January this year, so not that long ago where I feel her response to me was inappropriate about something I said about my current relationship to my parents. She had kind of a laugh in her voice when she pointed something out to me which was obvious to her but I don't think is correct. My impression is that she thinks she knows more about recovery from cptsd than she actually does. In my own family dysfunction, I'm the expert, sort of. Of course, my T is still helping me, as are other mbrs on here, and sometimes I read up on theory or just have to wait till some recovery comes along for me, but there's no way that a friend who has done 20? or 40? sessions of therapy due to burn out and maybe some codependent behaviour but not early childhood trauma has more idea than me what is going on in my FOO. This friend can interact much differently with her own FOO than I can with mine. She can tell her mother "No" without her brother leaping in to defend the mother. In fact this friend probably believes like my parents and other FOO mbrs (and as I thought too for a long time) that I just have to get over the trauma, tweak a few things in my life, develop a bit more backbone or something, gain more self-confidence and then I can go back to normalish contact with FOO. As most of us on here as well as on OOTF who are LC, VLC or NC with (some) FOO realise, that's not the case. (It could be the case for one or two mbrs on here, I don't want to categorically rule that out but it's not generally the case.) I haven't imparted this information to FOO yet and in fact it hasn't been my intention to do so. This friend and FOO mbrs do not realise that in order to recover to some degree from the trauma I have to avoid any situations in which I could be retraumatised (basically any contact to FOO and contact to people who don't 'believe in traumatisation' and will start arguing it with me the way FOO would) and I have to stand up for myself and my feelings going forwards instead of shoving my feelings under the rug and/or putting up with things because that's expected of me.

In the country I live in 'friend' and 'friendship' are not words you bat around to refer to anybody and everybody. There is a real cultural difference between 'friend' and 'acquaintance'. You use the word for 'acquaintance' far more than you would in English. This is (or was?) actually a friendship, whereas what this friend has with my parents is acquaintanceship, even according to her. If I retain this friendship, it will certainly change. It will have to because I will end the triangulation, as my T suggests. I don't feel as sad or as devastated about it as I did a few days ago.

Today I have been getting on with a few things instead of vegging out. Vegging out is probably just being in an EF for me, because that's the conscious decision I came to as a child or early teenager, around 11 yo I think. Decision to not do anything because whatever I did was inevitably wrong and at least if I did nothing I wouldn't waste any energy. I was always short of energy back then too. For me it still feels difficult to keep going day after day, using energy, when so long ago I made this decision, kind of like a commitment to not do anything, to lapse into depression. Depression as the best choice in my situation then. Although I'm no longer that child, that teenager, it's still very easy to drop back into that frame of mind. Often when the time comes where I set a boundary or a limit then I have more energy and I leave that depressive state. So maybe the depressive state is a semi-permanent EF. idk.

This post is very long but it's on my Journal and nobody has to read it who doesn't have the wherewithal or wish to. It details an important piece of progress for me.

[Blueberry]

I couldn't sleep well last night. After doing parts of a crossword puzzle in bed, I tried some EFT and then started reading about healing in relationships in Pete Walker's "From Surviving to Thriving". It made a lot of sense for my present situation. I was busy with my pencil, underlining. Again. I noticed where I've made improvement and I also noticed various things pertaining to the friend I'm attempting to communicate with.

I'm working on a further email to her, having discarded the previous incomplete one because things have evolved in my head and particularly in my feelings. My email sounds quite harsh. Maybe I'll try and soften it a bit, but otoh she didn't seem to worry about the effect her words and actions would have on me. She has a lot of work and stress at work, but she didn't ask me whether it's a good time for me to be dealing with any of this (or getting a minor EF). It's not a good time at all. So I think 'sorry, if you act as an unwanted go-between from my parents to me, then you just might have to deal with some fall-out at a time that doesn't suit you!'

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, this situation with your friend had been painful and heavy. You are giving the situation a great deal of careful and wise thought.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your validation and compassion on this notalone

It really is a difficult topic for me to be dealing with. More and more is becoming clear. I haven't sent that email yet, and it's OK because my thoughts and my realisations are still evolving.

It's also been going on for a month now. No wonder self-care is so difficult for me atm. Still, my T said months ago that once you've reduced contact to FOO and set limits, it'll get easier doing those with other people because it really is the hardest with FOO, maybe because that's the primary bond we're genetically programmed to uphold at all costs. Or maybe my T just means in my case. He's right. This one with my friend is taking a lot out of me. Not much energy left for anything else of note atm but I haven't dissociated for days on end or ended up in inpatient T. Many years ago one of two catalysts that threw me into inpatient T was my little pet dying. That wouldn't throw me any more, nor does potentially losing who I thought was a good friend.

[Snowdrop]

I've just been catching up with your journal, Blueberry. I think I'd find the situation with your friend painful and also destabilising.

As you say, it's ok that you haven't sent the email yet, and it's positive that you haven't dissociated for days or gone into inpatient T.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your empathy and validation, Snowdrop 
________________________

3 Good Things Today:
On the 3rd time I got out of bed I remained up
I took my medicines.
I realised I'm low in energy for a reason and so I'm allowing myself to go slowly today and not forcing myself to do things.
+ some more:
I have done a few things off my Could list and even a few things that weren't on it but that I realised needed to be done
I signed up for a professional seminar that I really want to do.
I took breaks throughout the day
After I got out of bed the third time, I changed my clothes in order to go out looking more respectable. I felt better

Less good: Slipped back into unhealthy childhood coping mechanism. Twice. Probably connected to these ongoing problems with the friend mentioned further back.

I realise I need to wait a little while to start doing more EFT again. It's a "cure-all" but the very fact that it does some linking to the amygdala (apparently) means it's strenuous for me.

[Blueberry]

I'm doing better today. Went back to bed only once and got up again after drinking my tea w/o much struggle. Have had all my meds and given my little pet her internal ones anyway. I don't do the external one daily anyway because it stresses her to be picked up. I also did a little cleaning and tidying in office and apartment. Sometimes I have written "and it's not even 9am yet". This time: it's not noon yet. Way better than yesterday though 

Copied over from notalone's Journal or other thread: "I feel like I take good steps in therapy, then other stuff comes in and completely disrupts my momentum." It's the same for me. Although I think "the other stuff" rn in my life is less daunting in practical ways than what you're going through notalone, this really resonates for me with the stuff with my friend. (Is she still a friend? I haven't decided yet. The next bits of correspondence from me and then her will probably clarify.) Resonates also for my progress in previous years. I am stabilising, I know that. I don't get thrown or blown over quite as much as in the past but still more than would be 'normal' for someone w/o cptsd. Well, I haven't really been thrown by this (not like I used to be) but it's still an interruption to the other healing that was going on and has meant that I've put other important stuff on the backburner (again) recently.  Not at myself because I accept my pace here but at a friend who thinks it's OK to assume she knows better than I do about my necessary boundaries with my narc parents, or as they say over on OOTF, Narents.

[Blueberry]

Came onto computer wanting to finally complete some emails of a difficult nature: boundaries etc for the one friend and for my parents but I feel soooo exhausted.

[Blueberry]

Wasn't till hours later that I remembered a helpful tool: put FOO up on my Imaginary Screen behind bullet proof glass and send them on a rocket ship to the moon. Did that today during T. Would be useful to put my friend (?) on the Screen too and see what else I need to do to her e.g. just make her size of postage stamp or send her 100km away...

Today my T agreed with me that it's a little strange that this friend who volunteers for an association that helps abused women (incl. emotionally/psychologically abused) leave their marriages seems so clueless about my need to have control over the amount and type of information reaching my FOO as well as when, so all content has to go directly via me instead of via anybody else. Well, people are blind to what they don't want to see.

I haven't managed to write to her yet but I know from previous difficult correspondence that I'll manage when the time's right.

Today in T we worked on something else which was very important. Touches on mental blockages. I've just enrolled in a few hours professional education webinar on an up and coming branch of translation which I think I would be good at. A few weeks ago I was hit by a downer from my ICr saying: "Forget it. You can learn new stuff but you can't implement it and earn money off it." Well, I went ahead and signed up a few days ago anyway. The work in T took me back to my 14 yo self and being told by B1 that I could forget translation as a career because being good at language isn't enough, you've got to have in-depth knowledge of a specialised topic, as if anybody at 14 has that! But I didn't know that then. I had no idea that you could learn about a legal or technical or... or... field and translate that. Due to many things including collapse 20 years ago, I'm not really specialised in any field now, but I used to be. Nevertheless this vote of no-confidence when I was 14 is still stuck in me.

When I was 14, I was actually in a better place than in many other years. My parents treated me better because they were happier with life that year, they even protected me from B1 sometimes. I did better at school, didn't get so many of what I called 'grey-outs' (because everything in my mind would suddenly go grey and I would become confused and not understand basic English or what a teacher wanted from me), suddenly I could do math too. But still despite doing better and being treated better this negation by my teenage B that I didn't have the necessary knowledge to do specialised translations seems to have made an unfortunate difference till today. Both my brothers had areas of 'talent' that were recognised in FOO. B1 did a particular competitive sport. Idk that he was that good but anyway according to him at the time that would have been enough knowledge for specialised translations (actually it probably wouldn't have been and it certainly wouldn't have brought in enough orders). Needless to say, I didn't have any areas of talent recognised in FOO that were special to me.

But my session in T went off on a different tangent anyway. Another problem in my professional work - whether teaching or translating - is the feeling that in my native language and my people skills I'm often stuck in my 16yo who has no idea of business language or knowledge on how to run a little business, no idea how to teach and is often totally overwhelmed doing translations for a host of different reasons. My 16yo part feels frozen. I go totally blank at the idea of many things, including client acquisition but I also know that doing a course in that would only help me very marginally.   So my homework for the next while is to transport my 16yo self to the country we lived in when I was 14 and where my parents treated me better so everything in my life functioned better. It wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, partially because I was already pretty emotionally damaged, but it was a lot better. So every day imagine my 16yo where the 14yo was. I'm yawning now just writing about it, which means something is changing already My 16yo part gets smiley when I transport her to that country. Not that moving there now is the answer, not at all. Among other things I can't go back to the time of my 14yo self and anyway 5-10 minutes a day in my imagination is very different from actually living there.

Possibly working on that will help the 14yo part as well, or maybe that will need different work. The problem coming from my 14yo self feels less big, although it still has a pretty detrimental affect on me, but I suppose it feels less daunting because my 14yo self isn't totally frozen unlike my 16yo self.