I decided yesterday evening it's time I got back on track. Tried various late last night and this morning. Tapping, fake it till you make it, just doing things though I don't want to e.g. tidying, taking meds, eating, drinking, other basic self-care e.g. brush teeth, brush hair, even a little cleaning, pet care. None of it too helpful except obviously getting the tasks themselves done. Also reading and writing in my paper Journal. Reading all the useful exercises my T has given me over the years and which I'm not doing or haven't been doing nearly enough of. There is some in me of: Please somebody else take care of me i.e. do the work for me.
It's good I wrote that last sentence because it's making me feel sad. There's a sad Little Blueberry. But present-day Adult me can look after Little Blueberries. It's important I do so too for many reasons, one being that when I don't then I tend to get dependent on other people, who then tend to take care of me too much or in the wrong ways. Like with the friend with whom I have a major rift.
It's not so surprising I have been having trouble feeling or wanting to feel because yesterday late evening a bunch of images arrived which I certainly didn't want to see or feel. I did manage to send them away, just thinking about my Screen and rocket ship to moon.
The most prominent feeling in me atm is aggression, which I'm turning on myself. SH (non-bloody). On top of the aggression is numbness. I've been here before. Anyway, I've left it all a bit late (but at least I wrote it down), I need to prepare for my student. At least I enjoy teaching, mostly, and on my list for today is find Joys, which can be as simple as: the sun is shining through my tulip bloom.