Moving Forwards

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I have skim-read what you wrote, because my processing ability is a bit limited today, but you wrote "people are blind to what they don't want to see" and that struck me as being a very pertinent observation to make - i.e. I really related to it.  I think it is true.  I think there's often a filter in so many situations, making certain aspects less clear/visible.

I want to also send you a hug 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope,  back to you.

I've written a lot of text recently No wonder you can only skim-read!

I'm not much further with communicating to my friend. I get kind of confused in my head from time to time. I want to write but then find myself doing a bit too much JADE - especially the justifying part of that. Justifying my behaviour versus FOO on the basis of trauma and traumatisation and then realising that this friend may dismiss me as FOO does on account of my traumas, saying/or acting as if: "it's because you're traumatised=sick=psycho" e.g. with comments like "that's just projection" though it may well not be. In fact I don't think it is.

As Kizzie wrote in a response to notalone "you're a person with CPTSD in active recovery which means you are improving aspects like self-worth, boundaries, etc., and that may be making him more fearful". The fact I'm in active recovery seems to bypass some people too. Either they seem to think I'm too slow in my recovery OR they're not so pleased with the results when they realise I am recovering but not in a way they'd like to see. Because I might stand up for myself or say "No" and say what I would like in a particular situation. It's tough when you're moving forwards and people around you aren't or maybe they are in a different way but they're not expecting you to be doing so and are not accepting of it.

On the face of it, I always used to think FOO would be delighted if I got well again - had more energy, would be able to work properly and just 'be normal' which is what I wanted for a long time too. After Horrible Event No. 2, I realised FOO would be delighted only if the world remained normal for all of them, if none of them had to accommodate me in any way - so not allow me a request or a mere suggestion or an opinion that differs from theirs, never mind me saying "No" or otherwise 'being rude' Saying 'no' is rude?? If I do it, it is.

Idk exactly what is going on in my friend's head, but I have read comments of hers in the correspondence so far and it doesn't sound that good. She doesn't always agree with the way I tackle conflicts. Idk if she means conflicts with her or in general. I rather think the latter since this is the first time I've really broached a conflict with her and not backed down again. Anyway I do know that when the time is right, I'll get going with my email response.

[Blueberry]

I had a bad dream last night. It was about my friend having contacted my parents, checking if some of the things I've said over the years about FOO are correct. Of course FOO denied these. My friend ended up on their side, against me. That isn't actually reality. Although it does feel as if she is on their side morally-speaking.

I have a lot of other things to write this week, especially income-producing so that's more important than improving on email to said friend, obviously.

On Sunday afternoon I did some work at the farm, finally, for the first time since the summer when I could work outdoors. On Sunday things are quiet and I was able to do indoor work on my own, so conforming to Covid regulations. Not done that type of work since last January or February. Somehow I hadn't been thinking that I might not remember it exactly! It's fairly easy work and I've done most of it often enough in the past. But a few small things never. Had to make a few independent decisions, which is often very anxiety-ridden for me. It wasn't really this time, so that's definitely an improvement for me

There's one part of the work which I previously found very frustrating - I'd feel like throwing things (not that I ever did) and just feel very frustrated, especially at the length of time it takes me to do it. I felt much calmer this time, although that could be because nobody came along to ask me if I was finished. Because when somebody does that, I automatically assume that translates to "You're working too slowly."

Other than the previous frustrating work, I usually work with somebody else, doing assistant tasks. I did wonder how much I might miss the people aspect of the farm, so working with others and keeping up with their rhythm. I wondered if I might feel lonely, working away on my own for hours, or if the farm work wouldn't be so beneficial for me. None of that was an issue. It was really beneficial for me being up at the farm. In the two days since, I've been better at getting on with little things that need to be done, especially household type stuff. But also tackling papers - have sorted through some and thrown out unnecessary stuff, something I'd been putting off for months.

[Blueberry]

My income-producing work isn't actually due as soon as first intimated, so I've had time to do some other things today. While doing some cleaning, I was pondering the FOO issue I'm having with that one friend. I thought of writing something like: "I want FOO to contact me directly, not via you." And then I was thinking about how my parents need to ring my doorbell metaphorically-speaking instead of just marching in (or being let in by this friend). The word "violation" occurred to me. It feels as if my parents are violating my boundaries and this friend is helping them do so.

Then an old memory came up, something out of my childhood that I never actually forgot - it's not a suppressed memory. I don't think it's abuse although probably F could have handled the situation better. Sometimes there were books or toys that my brother and I shared. One of those books was in my bookcupboard in my room. I wanted my brother to ask if he could come in and take it, but he just took it. Idk why it was so important for me to have him ask because I wasn't planning to withhold it, but it obviously was super-important to me. I obviously wasn't too good at verbal expression yet though I must have been 7 or 8yo so I cried or yelled or a combination maybe. F came along and threatened corporal punishment if I did that again. B took the book w/o asking so I cried or yelled again, cue corporal punishment as threatened. It's a very hurtful memory because I suppose this 'not-asking' feels like violation.

I suppose back in the 70's many parents would have reacted the way F did or now they might not do the corporal punishment but they'd give a child acting that way a time-out. Whereas I think I really needed somebody to understand and talk to me. Maybe even explain that it wouldn't seem right to B1 to have to ask if he could open my cupboard and take the shared book out. But I notice as I write about him opening up my cupboard how my body really tenses up. Maybe that's what is called 'body armouring'. The only thing I can think of is that crying/yelling/screaming about the book occasion was maybe a kind of stand-in for objecting to other forms of violation I felt that I couldn't pinpoint at all (emotional/psychological ones) or could never have said (CSA). Even now the word 'violation' is very new in my active vocabulary and certainly for referring to myself. Though now I remember him coming into my room when I was older and looking in something particular of mine even though I said "No" and it was very personal and private. So maybe Little Blueberry sensed even back then that B1 violated my privacy somehow, even if it didn't seem that way outwardly to F?

I think F could have maybe handled it better by asking what was going on rather than just threatening punishment and then carrying it out. otoh I undoubtedly couldn't really verbalise it and one previous time when I did manage to verbalise there was corporal punishment because in effect I was saying "No" to B1 which was not allowed. Though on that particular occasion where I did manage to verbalise, Little Blueberry was totally in the right about saying "No".

Writing that all out has helped me sort things a bit better and remember to think back to a particular motherly figure who was present in my childhood though she was a family friend not a relation. Maybe she would have understood a child's need to talk about the situation, to get to the bottom of what was going on emotionally rather than just being hit so as to not react again in a similar situation. Anyway it's helping Little Blueberry atm to think of her. Before I started writing on here I knew I in my present-day Adult should (oh there's that 'should' again) comfort Little Blueberry but I had no idea how. i just knew I felt ashamed of and embarrassed about my reactions then and ashamed and embarrassed that the situation still bothers me now. I felt ashamed partly because I thought everybody would immediately see my parents were in the right and I was in the wrong. But now it doesn't seem to me it's so much a question of right and wrong but more how much the emotional side of things was missing and how much 'might is right' ruled, even if the corporal punishment was in the main probably fairly mild for back then. TW But it was very problematic because when M did it, there was CSA mixed in. End TW
I notice much more in retrospect than at the time how much there was acceptance of a little violence to keep the children in check (and B1 was permitted to pass that on). Easier for M and F just to hit out than try and teach us about compromise or asking each other politely or even trying to help us figure out our own emotions and why we acted a particular way. At least some of the time. I know in day-to-day life parents just don't always have the time or patience or whatever, but if my parents had done that at least sometimes it might have helped. But I imagine with their low emotional IQs and disparaging of my feelings anyway, there's just no way they could or would have done that.

I seem to need to get to the core or at least nearer the core of some issue before I can start to grieve it or even approach Little Blueberry.

Enough of that for this evening.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate what you said and resonate with your experience.  I too was "taught" through punishment or fear of punishment and I appreciate you raising the question of why parents didn't ask more questions or approach differently.  This gives me a new way to frame thinking about the core of my stuff too, so thank you for sharing.  Best wishes with your pondering.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your observation, rainydiary. It goes along the line of how my mind continued to work after I had written: in trying to understand my past and my deep hurts from childhood, it's not just about abuse, it's about what was missing too! It's about what I needed and simply couldn't get in my family.

Maybe my needs were way ahead of my time? Maybe more parents could give now what I needed then, maybe there is more knowledge in some parts of society anyway? But as I write that I realise I'm excusing my parents for coming from a different generation. A friend of mine is about 10 years younger than me and was slapped only once growing up. Otherwise her parents managed differently. A previous friend who was my age mentioned being slapped only twice, so obviously it's not just a generational thing. But lack of corporal punishment doesn't automatically mean children were brought up knowing about their feelings and how to navigate them.

[Blueberry]

The video I posted about here https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=14168.0 and some more videos I watched made by the same therapist really helped me shorten my email to that friend about choosing between me and my parents. I cut out a lot of the JADEing I was doing   I feel a lot stronger and a lot less as if I need to make her understand. That's one of the things this T says in his videos: people brought up in this sort of dysfunction spend years trying to make people understand, if not their FOO then other people. I haven't sent the email yet, I'll do that tomorrow, or well later today actually, but after some sleep is what I mean.

[Blueberry]

I just didn't get out of bed today at least not stay out till I had a video appointment at 2pm. I got up in time for that, even in time to half-way prepare for it

All this stuff with my friend is chasing around in my head and feelings atm. Then the videos I was watching are really helpful but maybe a little too much atm. otoh they are really helping me understand what's going on with my friend and where our friendship is unhealthy and where I need to set her limits. They are helping me not get side-tracked by comments of hers but just stick to what's important to me. They are also helping me gain a deeper understanding of FOO's dysfunction, which is good. Helps me stick to my resolve of keeping myself free and safe. A safe person. That's a concept the T in the videos mentions. One parent - the Enabler - seemed safer. This friend isn't as safe as I thought. Her H is not safe for me, but then I probably never thought he was. Or I instinctively knew he wasn't.

Yesterday I had an impetus to go for a walk along the river but then I didn't because I felt unsafe. Of course not because of the river but because of all this stuff going on in my emotions. I needed to be at home. And then today in bed, my super-safe spot.

I feel all bleary-eyed. I know it would have been beneficial for me to do some of my exercises like shoving FOO away with my arms or putting them on the Screen and sending them to the moon. I didn't think of it in time. It would be good to practise these things in general so that on another occasion I do think of it in time.

[Not Alone]

It's a very hurtful memory because I suppose this 'not-asking' feels like violation.


The only thing I can think of is that crying/yelling/screaming about the book occasion was maybe a kind of stand-in for objecting to other forms of violation I felt that I couldn't pinpoint at all (emotional/psychological ones) or could never have said (CSA).

Maybe she would have understood a child's need to talk about the situation, to get to the bottom of what was going on emotionally rather than just being hit so as to not react again in a similar situation.

Little Blueberry needed someone to gently say, "You're really upset about B taking that book. Tell me what's happening," or something similar. As the T would say, attune to what you were feeling.

Your relating that incident to feelings of violation brought back a memory to me. Decades ago, I was in the psychiatric hospital. A rule was changed and something that I owned was taken from me. I went behind the nurses' desk and took it back. I fought for it, but lost and paid by something happening that was highly traumatizing. It makes sense to me that your B overstepping a boundary and taking the book, stirred up deep feelings of violation.

To Little Blueberry, I'm sorry that your F punished you for being upset. You were strong and brave to object to B taking something of yours. You had a right to cry and yell and to be angry. You are worthy to have had someone listen to your deep and important feelings.

[Blueberry]

Thank you, thank you, thank you notalone! You've given me words and a way to reach Little Blueberry that I was otherwise drawing a blank on. So I have been reaching out to her bit by bit since I read your post yesterday. Today (in my head) she is crying and screaming and being upset and angry, the way you said she has a right to be. That's news to her and to me the Adult in fact. I mean, I wouldn't react the way F did to Child me, but I think I still might feel clueless and not know how to react. Anyway, I'll keep going back into the situation with Little Blueberry bit by bit. Not really the memory, but more her feelings.

I'm sorry it brought up a memory for you too. But I sure can relate to traumatising events on the psych ward or similar places.

[Not Alone]

How do you parent yourself well, when you didn't have healthy, caring parents? It makes sense that you didn't know how to reach Little Blueberry. People (mostly therapists) have attuned to me and told me that I have the right to feel __________. I would not have know that on my own.

I'm glad Little Blueberry is able to cry and scream and be upset and angry. Those are difficult feelings to experience, but the feelings are real and valid.

I'm sorry it brought up a memory for you too. But I sure can relate to traumatising events on the psych ward or similar places.

I'm going to write about this more in my journal, but I think it is good that this memory came up for me. It seems like the right time for it to be looked at and shared.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone for your observations and encouragement.

I have kind of shut down since then. Staying in bed or getting up and going back to bed. Or when in my office doing more or less nothing of any use. I vacuumed wrote some homework for a student and sent it and was here to collect a document a client brought. But I could have done so much more.

I suppose I did the easiest, which is sensible. I think I should be doing a bunch of therapy exercises to get myself back on track, since nobody else can do that for me. Oh there's that "should" again. Or at least easy household stuff which is grounding. And there's a lot needing to be done.  I'm not managing more than washing the dishes unfortunately.

I spoke to a friend yesterday who said among other things that it's no surprise that I feel all messed up after the letter I sent to the friend who is having trouble knowing whether to support me or my parents.

[Jazzy]

I second what your friend said. Confrontation, like with that letter, is a big thing, and very difficult to do. It is no surprise at all it has had an impact on you.

I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of place, but I want to observe that you seem so hard on yourself. You're always an inspiration to me (even if it is a bit intimidating), with how well you set boundaries, and deal with people, and then still getting things done around the house/office, even if it is not as much as at an easier time. Getting all that stuff done is important, but it is also very important to take care of yourself.

I feel like I'm saying this all wrong, and I'm sorry again, if so. It would just be great to see you appreciate yourself more. I know sometimes that's impossible, but I appreciate you too.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Jazzy. You're not saying anything all wrong! In fact when I used to be in group therapy on long weekends or inpatient what I very often heard was: "You are so hard on yourself." so it is very good you are reminding me. It's like I'm treating myself the way FOO treated me.

I do have quite a lot of work to do atm, but the bigger stuff isn't due till at the latest end of the month so it's OK for me to be taking some time off to do what feels like nothing. I go back to bed quite a lot and read books like Harry Potter I know almost off by heart, but then I remember mbrs on here saying my bed is obviously my safe place so it's OK to go back there. I'm also eating a lot.

Musing on the fact that I tend to have really close friendships and then something happens where I realise this person wasn't treating me very well.

[Blueberry]

I decided yesterday evening it's time I got back on track. Tried various late last night and this morning. Tapping, fake it till you make it, just doing things though I don't want to e.g. tidying, taking meds, eating, drinking, other basic self-care e.g. brush teeth, brush hair, even a little cleaning, pet care. None of it too helpful except obviously getting the tasks themselves done. Also reading and writing in my paper Journal. Reading all the useful exercises my T has given me over the years and which I'm not doing or haven't been doing nearly enough of. There is some in me of: Please somebody else take care of me i.e. do the work for me.
It's good I wrote that last sentence because it's making me feel sad. There's a sad Little Blueberry. But present-day Adult me can look after Little Blueberries. It's important I do so too for many reasons, one being that when I don't then I tend to get dependent on other people, who then tend to take care of me too much or in the wrong ways. Like with the friend with whom I have a major rift.

It's not so surprising I have been having trouble feeling or wanting to feel because yesterday late evening a bunch of images arrived which I certainly didn't want to see or feel. I did manage to send them away, just thinking about my Screen and rocket ship to moon.

The most prominent feeling in me atm is aggression, which I'm turning on myself. SH (non-bloody). On top of the aggression is numbness. I've been here before. Anyway, I've left it all a bit late (but at least I wrote it down), I need to prepare for my student. At least I enjoy teaching, mostly, and on my list for today is find Joys, which can be as simple as: the sun is shining through my tulip bloom.