Moving Forwards

Not Alone · April 03, 2021, 02:38:21 PM

For sending the bill and for your clear and strong words to your M.

Blueberry · April 03, 2021, 09:13:35 PM

Thank you all, owl, Bach and notalone.

I've just been watching the Easter Night service from my local church on livestream. If you watch it at home on your own TV or computer, you can join in the singing, which you can't if you're actually in the church. But I do notice I miss going to church a little bit.

I'm very tired. I had been planning to do x,y,z on my computer after the service but feel too tired. It's a holiday, that stuff is going to have to wait.

I imagine I'm feeling tired for some psychological reasons. I got up very late today too. I did do some things I had been intending, eg. I made space for some new seedlings in my garden and put them in. It's yarrow, which my pets and I all eat. But all the tidying and cleaning I'd been intending? Um no. However in the church service this evening I heard about new growth coming out of the old and thought that could apply to me and my life, even in such mundane ways as cleaning. Maybe the Easter message will help me get back on track.

Blueberry · April 06, 2021, 07:11:44 PM

I'm feeling really fed up atm. So, no, the Easter Message didn't get me back on track. I have a bunch of 'shoulds' in my head, none of which I'm doing. They're never good for me, I know that. Whatever, I just go back to bed.

I'm sick of the pandemic, temporarily. Who isn't? I'm sick of sticking to rules by and large while lots of people don't. Though I don't want to spark a dispute about it on the forum. I just felt like writing that somewhere.

I imagine that after writing the bill and the strong words to my M, followed by further words to her, I just need to rest. Unfortunately I also need to.... all those shoulds. Maybe tomorrow will work for some of them.

Alter-eg0 · April 07, 2021, 01:59:33 PM

I hear you, blueberry.
We often underestimate how much energy psychological processes take, even when they are running in the background. I've been feeling pretty run down too, and the pandemic situation certainly doesn't help.

Take care

Blueberry · April 07, 2021, 07:06:08 PM

Thank you Alter-eg0. That's a good reminder about the energy absorbed by these processes running in the background. It has probably been caused by the correspondence between me and my M. There are 2 further not-so-easy letters I need to write - not to M - and I'm doing neither. I think the reason is I can only handle so much at one time.

Hope we both start to feel better

Blueberry · April 07, 2021, 08:44:10 PM

I've come back to have a moan.

Recently I was remembering how in my early 30's I had no idea how I was even going to keep going the next few years. I know tears were dripping down my face while I was cycling from A to B in town wondering how on earth I was going to manage. That's almost 20 years ago now. I managed obviously. But I don't feel elated about it. Instead I'm back to sort-of-wondering.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I feel bad because I haven't done anything I could have to alleviate how I'm feeling. Zero. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not that my therapist ever implies any kind of guilt or fault. That all comes from me.

I'm meant to have written some homework for a student about 2 weeks ago. Needless to say I haven't and he's coming tomorrow. Haven't prepared for the other student either. I feel so useless and unreliable.

Not Alone · April 07, 2021, 09:18:58 PM

I wish I could lift some of the heavy load you are feeling now.

Blueberry · April 08, 2021, 06:43:45 PM

Thank you notalone

You helped me have the courage to remove some of it myself.

Blueberry · April 09, 2021, 03:45:38 PM

Quote from: Jazzy on March 22, 2021, 11:11:08 PM
Wow, Blueberry... that's a huge realization.

No wonder that your head is upset. It's really horrible that your M treated you and the others like that. Honestly, it's offensive. I'm angry with her. There's a lot of things I want to say, but probably shouldn't. I do hope you work your way through this though. What is important is how you are feeling.

I think you're off the forum for a while getting on with RL, Jazzy. However your words here are really helpful to me. It's good to hear somebody other than me and my T condemning M's treatment of me and condemning her behaviour.
________________________________________________________

Last night I didn't sleep much and it finally occurred to me why. And also of course why I've been zoning out, playing Patience, reading, eating, eating, eating, Not drinking, and not doing what I should be doing... It's really hard for me to accept that I have a friend ("friend"?) who thinks it's somehow OK to remain friends with people who hurt me so badly and continue to disrespect me the way M and F do. How can a friend possibly sweep that all aside and think whatever she thinks? They're nice people or her H likes conversing with my F so what's the problem? Adults ought to be able to deal with this... Or whatever. I can't. My feeling is: this isn't going to go well. My friend and her H are playing right into my parents' hands, whether that's their intention or not.

In my FOO it's about winning. It's not about compromise. They will be exulting that my friends are not being loyal to me. I remember in my early 20's thinking I never expected anybody to be loyal to me. Nobody in FOO was, especially F. He pretended to be but then behind my back he wasn't. I don't know if that is exactly what is going on here, but it feels like it. My trust is gone. It feels inevitable to me that I will continue to pull back from my friend / "friend". Ongoing trauma with FOO. My friend needs to decide. Her last email implies I need to be OK with her and H remaining in contact with my Narents so long as they leave me out of the conversation and don't mention any of the contact to me. But I notice as time goes by that I'm not OK with it. These are my feelings and they're important. I'm not going to deny them, not for the sake of a friend so she can continue sending Xmas cards upon which last one she wrote her phone no. according to M. Idk whether M made that up or not. And whether or not she did, that shows unhealthy dynamics to me. M thinks it's OK to be chummy with a friend of mine against me, or as a means of getting through to me.

In my childhood M was chummy with B1 against me and in my adolescence F was chummy with B1 against me. I was supposed to be with OK with that, understanding even. I didn't have much choice back then. I wasn't actually OK with it. But now it feels more like I have a choice. I do have a choice. This is part of what it means to be an independent and independently-thinking adult. I can choose to say that I'm not OK with friend's behaviour. The case is still evolving in my feelings. It's evolving into "Sorry, no, I'm not OK with that." My T said it might possibly be different in 2-3 years but I don't think so and I don't want to leave a carrot dangling for my friend to hope for.

I was told quite a while back over on OOTF that clearly any contact with FOO was re-traumatising me and that now's the time to protect myself the way I couldn't as a child. Decide for me the way FOO mbrs and their allies don't. The way some of my own friends don't. Really??!? How could it be OK to remain in contact with FOO like mine and be friends with me??!? Especially since my friend was friends with me first. I'm still gearing myself up to say "Sorry, but No. I'm NOT okay with you having contact to my Narents behind my back. Even that you have to choose." Really, you want to visit people who treat me the way they do and did? You might go out to dinner with these people? Or you might eat a meal in their home? And have a nice, friendly chat with people like them? MIght even feel tempted to say soemthing about me after all or your H might. After all, on the advice of my T I said I don't want to hear any of it. So you might think it doesn't matter after all if you give them a little "harmless" information about me.

I know this is a decision only I can make. It goes back to decades of emotional, verbal, psychological and other types of abuse and somebody else thinks it's reasonable to expect me to get over it.

Kizzie · April 09, 2021, 04:08:35 PM

It's not reasonable (or loving or supportive or ....) to expect you to just get over it BB, it hurts and I know how that feels. My NM would charm friends, take them over in some cases, and they would think I was all sorts of bad because she was just so nice how could I speak badly about her? Same for family.

Hurt, anger and a loss as to what to do about it all -

and

I stepped away and that was incredibly difficult but it was the best thing I could do for myself. Whatever you decide for you -

Blueberry · April 09, 2021, 05:06:49 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on April 09, 2021, 04:08:35 PM
It's not reasonable (or loving or supportive or ....) to expect you to just get over it BB, it hurts and I know how that feels. My NM would charm friends, take them over in some cases, and they would think I was all sorts of bad because she was just so nice how could I speak badly about her? Same for family.

Thanks for writing that Kizzie. Especially the part about it not being "reasonable or loving or supportive"
I think my friend / "friend"? thinks I'm somehow immature or at least I have reason to believe from comments of hers in the past that it's immature to not be "adult" about this kind of thing. If there were children involved it might be different, but there aren't. My friend didn't ask my parents to be Adopted Grandparents for her children. In fact, she doesn't even have children. Or if parents get divorced sometimes they have to be mature and put their feelings re: each other aside for the sake of their children's mental health. But that's not what is going on here. Thinking me "immature" or anything like that is thinking me "bad".

I will be stepping away or the way I feel it more: retreating, drawing back. I have to do that for me. I want to do it for me too. The last months have been hard enough. They've taken their toll. I can do without that. Though I do see it as one more step toward healing. It's obviously difficult - that's why it's taking me so long. Anyway, thanks for your support

Blueberry · April 10, 2021, 11:40:04 AM

I've been stuffing my face since yesterday and once again not drinking anything but instant cocoa. OK there is some water in there but it's still not the healthiest, thirst-quenching drink imaginable. At least I took my meds this morning. To be more precise at least the 2 most important of the meds.

FOO nightmares - this time with B2 and SIL2.

I need to teach this afternoon, one of the students I postponed from Thursday till today.

No friendship is worth feeling this bad over. Of course I "shouldn't" allow myself to droop this much over it. But I think it's more that I'm showing myself (more than anybody else) that the friendship is untenable in its present form.

I even have physical pain especially in my hands and arms. It's old pain. I know this pain.

Hope67 · April 10, 2021, 12:00:14 PM

Hi Blueberry,
It sound tough what you're experiencing at the moment, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug

Hope

Kizzie · April 10, 2021, 03:21:29 PM

QuoteI will be stepping away or the way I feel it more: retreating, drawing back. I have to do that for me. I want to do it for me too. The last months have been hard enough. They've taken their toll. I can do without that. Though I do see it as one more step toward healing. It's obviously difficult - that's why it's taking me so long.

It is difficult BB so please know I'm thinking of you and sending you care and support. You're trying your best to do right by yourself in the face of more loss, that's the gain in this but it's hard to feel that I know

Blueberry · April 11, 2021, 11:52:02 AM

Thank you so much Kizzie for your care and support.

Always I can come here and write and know I'm understood.

There's nobody IRL where I think I can talk to them now and it will help. I think most would be trying to get me to see how to save this friendship when it's too late.

I was awake hours ago, at 7am, but instead of getting up I seemed to have slipped into the fetal position and lay there for hours. I actually was intending to go to the farm early before the weather breaks and starts pouring with rain as it is due to this afternoon and evening.

Anyway I felt into what I was feeling in the fetal position and I had the image of tears pouring out of my whole body, like water coming out of a stone.

I feel no regret about the H of my friend, but I do feel regret about her. However it is time to get on with this because I'm stuck in a state of paralysis.

When not feeling stuck and paralysed in the fetal position, my words toward this friend are full of angry words that would get an asterix here so I won't write them. That's all in my head though.