Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Finally sent it. Feel numb.

[Blueberry]

I'd like to run away to a trauma inpatient stay and bury my head. That's not possible atm. Nor even helpful. I guess going into the garden before it rains/snows would be good.

[Kizzie]

So sorry this is such a difficult time BB, I really am.             Hoping the  rain/snow will go away and the sun will shine so you can enjoy the garden 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Kizzie

It's as if all the old trauma is coming up again. All that ICr stuff that comes from FOO, along the lines of I'm "too difficult" 

My emotional growth atm involves knowing what I want and where my boundaries are and acting on that. So not allowing myself to be swayed by somebody else's opinion. It's hard for me but at least I'll try and write it here: I acted for the best.
Oh well, I'm blank again in my head. That's not really what I wanted to say. It's more like the first two sentences actually. Some Ts and counsellors from way back were nudging me that direction, my current T as well. Some people are undoubtedly thinking my recovery involves treating disputes and disagreements with people differently - I've heard that over the years, but imho they are wrong.

I'm individuating more and more - that's my recovery. I'm also saying No. Or: this far and no further.   I also remember what my T said a good while ago now - the one action of mine that shows the effects of cptsd in my case the most is the length of time it takes for me to stand up for myself and my rights, my limits and combined with the length of time the amount of energy I expend on thinking about it from all angles, trying to understand and then often excuse the other person.

This time I say: No. No, it's not OK for this friend and her H to expect me to be OK with their further contact with my parents. No. No. No. Other people might be OK with it. Well, that's their decision. I'm not OK with it. That's my decision. Just like some people forgive their partner for having an affair with somebody else and some don't. It's a personal decision. Mine is: NO.

Good things today: I finally got up, though it was hard. I washed my hair and showered. That was very hard but I did it. I fed my pets. And I did some superficial cleaning of their living quarters. I have to prepare to teach now.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I hear the incredible weight of all of this on you. Sending care and hugs.     

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much, notalone 
___________________

I'm still trying to find words for this. Or, the words slip in and then they slip out of my brain again.

With saying "No." to this friend and her H, I am saying that I'm not allowing anybody else to decide for me. And I'm refusing to remain some one else's victim. In the past when friends had ideas on how I personally was to develop, the friendship eventually came to a head, there came a crunch where we had to talk things out. Oh, I was undoubtedly "not perfect" either but when somebody from a somewhat intact family comes and tells me to put up with things or insinuates they'd be better able to deal with my FOO or even my ll or neighbour, at some point I see red. RED.

[Blueberry]

Good things today: I got up and made tea and then a further mug. So I had 2 large mugs of herbal tea this morning. Much better at thirst-quenching and for general health than instant cocoa.
I took my 2 most important meds this morning plus my Vit C/Zinc combo (which is supposed to help immune system, and therefore make you less prone to getting Covid).
I put dry dishes away which makes washing the rest later easier. I remembered a saying from 12 Step literature for I.S.A.: "I do one thing at a time. I put one dish away at a time...." So when I'm floundering about as I am atm, then I just remember to do one thing at a time. No plans to tidy the whole kitchen. No, just put a bowl away, then put a plate away and then see what kind of beneficial activity I have an impetus to do.

FOO would say I'm being a busy-body and maybe some other people would too, but I often check the local classifieds for people giving away their Little Furries or selling them way too cheap. Generally, one should charge an adoption fee as a protection to the animal. Sometimes I then email these people and suggest they put the price up OR give the animal directly to a rehoming society. Sometimes the people are grateful and choose one of those suggestions. I did that this morning. It's a form of advocacy for little beings who can't speak for themselves. So I think that's a Good Thing that I felt capable of doing this morning though there are many things I don't feel capable of doing.

[Alter-eg0]

Awesome, Blueberry!

[Kizzie]

I'll bet your little ones like how adult you protects little furries, means they are safe with you and cared about   

[Blueberry]

 

[Blueberry]

Floundering. Then making life needlessly difficult for myself e.g. by eating so much I feel physically and intellectually incapable of basic tasks.

But I am reminding myself to take things one tiny thing at a time. Just a quarter of an hour ago, I had the wherewithal to amalgamate one type of garbage and put it out for collection tomorrow. I also wrote an email - a non-contentious one - and sent it.

I feel close to collapse, as if I'm overstretching and not doing the tasks beneath the stretch which will hold me up. E.g. I'm happy to have 2 recent adult teaching inquiries so 1 new student so far this week and 1 next week but I haven't billed either yet or written up contracts. I have a school student who came 4 times and has decided to renew for another 4; haven't billed that yet either. I also need to re-read some literature for his lessons. Not to mention there's a bunch of other smallish tasks waiting to be done, some of them Corona-related (lists etc.). But at least I did get the garbage out and got one email out of the way. Maybe I'll manage another one now.

At least my ICr has quietened down, but otoh that's maybe just because I ate so much even ICr feels buried? I did do a few small exercises my T has been practising with me like massaging and stroking my head, shaking my hands and arms or any other kind of spontaneous movement I have an impulse to do. Some of it still in images in my head. This helps me to not remain in freeze and at the same time to get rid of some of my emotions without even feeling into them too much. I know I feel anger atm (old and present-day anger at FOO, as well as present-day anger at that one friend).

[Kizzie]

  You're doing the very best you can to deal with your symptoms BB and carry on with life. Overeating may be what you need in this moment as you feel your way through the anger at FOO and friend.  Maybe think of it as a way of bringing things down to a more manageable level  because it does feel overwhelming right now? 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Kizzie , you're probably right about my eating atm - about bringing things back to an acceptable level. It's like stabilising things, even if of course eating isn't the best way, but sometimes it seems it's the only way for a while. I am getting better at simply accepting my behaviour when things are this bad. Last night I made myself a sweet caffeine drink and a herbal tea, so one unhealthy and one healthy. I drank both, but it's definitely good I drank the herbal as well as the other.

Today, inexplicably, things have improved a little. I got up before noon, did some garden work at two different junctures, washed dishes, taught a student, wrote and sent some emails and wrote a bill though didn't manage to send it because everytime I try and send an email with an attachment my email program crashes   That feels like an additional burden. It is actually because I need to figure out what's wrong.

I also discovered while writing the bill that I've been numbering my bills wrong so far this year. The invoice number has to include the year and I've been using 20 instead of 21. Sigh.    It takes me ages to write bills anyway and then I go and make a mistake of this magnitude. Well, at least I was capable of noticing which I obviously have not been so far this year.

Doing some gardening was beneficial mostly because I was sorting things: I was digging but also sorting into piles of compost, stones etc, garbage (you wouldn't believe what you find 6 inches down in the soil in our yard...), weeds of course, but also roots I want to leave in the soil, and sprouting Jerusalem artichokes I'm sending to a friend. Also it's good to be in the fresh and a little sunshine, though it's cold again atm and windy too.

[Kizzie]

Fresh air, sunshine and digging in the soil, Mother Nature's balm for the soul      

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I don't really have anything to say. Just want you to know that I care.