Moving Forwards

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I'm glad you had some sunshine whilst you were in the garden digging those Jerusalem artichokes.  Your friend is lucky to have such a gift. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Kizzie, notalone and Hope: Thank you all for sending care, support and reminders of my garden and the 

________________________
I was reading back in here a bit. So, it was only a week ago that I felt numb after sending email to that friend. I'm still exhausted, though it's showing physically especially in a way I know well. I used to say it felt as if I'd been run over by a steamroller, though that's obviously an exaggeration because I wouldn't exist anymore after that. I also feel very tired in my brain. I'm really slow at doing more or less everything atm, as if my brain is functioning very slowly. I can't function any faster. I can't even think fast, in fact I'm thinking positively slowly atm.

I really needed to do a particular job at the farm so I did cycle up there today since I didn't make it last Sunday, and I really noticed my sluggish thinking there combined with a feeling of low-level uncertainty most of the time. That used to be a more or less constant companion. I thought I was healed from that, but obviously I'm not. It's certainly useful to know that these previous mental states can come back. Or recovery isn't necessarily recovery for ever. It's only recovery until something so bad happens that you get retraumatised or something similar.

I know I will pull through. But it is really hard-going atm.

[Kizzie]

I really needed to do a particular job at the farm so I did cycle up there today since I didn't make it last Sunday, and I really noticed my sluggish thinking there combined with a feeling of low-level uncertainty most of the time. That used to be a more or less constant companion. I thought I was healed from that, but obviously I'm not. It's certainly useful to know that these previous mental states can come back. Or recovery isn't necessarily recovery for ever. It's only recovery until something so bad happens that you get retraumatised or something similar.

Just noodling here but I wonder if it would be useful/helpful/realistic to think of our CPTSD as something like having diabetes that doesn't go away but is better when it's managed? Or perhaps as an injury that heals but aches on occasion and is more prone to re-injury?   

Sorry you're in a bit of a fog at the moment BB, it says to me (FWIW) that the whole matter with your friend is just deeply distressing and hurtful. 

[Blueberry]

Just noodling here but I wonder if it would be useful/helpful/realistic to think of our CPTSD as something like having diabetes that doesn't go away but is better when it's managed? Or perhaps as an injury that heals but aches on occasion and is more prone to re-injury?   

Totally, Kizzie! imo both of those scenarios correlate with cptsd. I wrote what I did yesterday I guess because I was rather astonished that these old, old symptoms returned. Ones I really thought were over, unlike depression, eating, SH, not getting out of bed etc etc

Sorry you're in a bit of a fog at the moment BB, it says to me (FWIW) that the whole matter with your friend is just deeply distressing and hurtful. 

You're on the money here too, Kizzie! Deeply distressing and hurtful is a good way of putting it.
Later last night a sentence occurred to me to address to this friend but just in my head for the moment: I would really appreciate it if you could just consider that I might actually be correct in the way I'm acting towards FOO!

Otherwise I think people with no or very little idea of cpstd are just a little bit arrogant if they think they know more than we cptsd-ers know about living with cptsd. Having done idk maybe 20 sessions of therapy and being interested in psychology doesn't make this friend an expert and it particularly does not mean she knows more than I do about what's good for me just because she is officially healthy and able to work and do all those normal things whereas I am chronically unwell.

Anyway, thank you for all your support here, Kizzie   I'm likely to keep writing about the topic as more becomes clear.

[Kizzie]

RBAY 

[Blueberry]

What does RBAY stand for? I'm afraid I don't know.

[Kizzie]

Right Back At You 

[Not Alone]

Otherwise I think people with no or very little idea of cpstd are just a little bit arrogant if they think they know more than we cptsd-ers know about living with cptsd. Having done idk maybe 20 sessions of therapy and being interested in psychology doesn't make this friend an expert and it particularly does not mean she knows more than I do about what's good for me just because she is officially healthy and able to work and do all those normal things whereas I am chronically unwell.

Absolutely!

[Armadillo]

I love love growing Jerusalem artichokes. They are so pretty and spread so easily. Bills. Sigh. That kind of stuff really puts me into a tailspin, too.

[Alter-eg0]

Just noodling here but I wonder if it would be useful/helpful/realistic to think of our CPTSD as something like having diabetes that doesn't go away but is better when it's managed? Or perhaps as an injury that heals but aches on occasion and is more prone to re-injury?   

Totally, Kizzie! imo both of those scenarios correlate with cptsd. I wrote what I did yesterday I guess because I was rather astonished that these old, old symptoms returned. Ones I really thought were over, unlike depression, eating, SH, not getting out of bed etc etc

Sorry you're in a bit of a fog at the moment BB, it says to me (FWIW) that the whole matter with your friend is just deeply distressing and hurtful. 

You're on the money here too, Kizzie! Deeply distressing and hurtful is a good way of putting it.
Later last night a sentence occurred to me to address to this friend but just in my head for the moment: I would really appreciate it if you could just consider that I might actually be correct in the way I'm acting towards FOO!

Otherwise I think people with no or very little idea of cpstd are just a little bit arrogant if they think they know more than we cptsd-ers know about living with cptsd. Having done idk maybe 20 sessions of therapy and being interested in psychology doesn't make this friend an expert and it particularly does not mean she knows more than I do about what's good for me just because she is officially healthy and able to work and do all those normal things whereas I am chronically unwell.

Anyway, thank you for all your support here, Kizzie   I'm likely to keep writing about the topic as more becomes clear.

Yeah, I think that it's actually both. The way the neuroplasticity works, you don't "unlearn" things, you just learn new (better) options. And the option that you use most, gets stronger pathways, while the ones used less sort of fade away. But they don't go away completely; they are always an option. You just have better options now, and your brain always chooses the most effective option you have in your arsenal, for the need that you have in the moment. Doesn't necessarily mean that it's the most healthy option by the way, it's just the one that best meets your needs in that moment. Knowing this, it's completely natural that you can go for years without resorting to "old" behaviors, and then stumble upon a situation that triggers, surprises or overwhelms your nervoussystem in such a way that you just draw a blank on "healthy options" and resort to an old but surprisingly powerful one.

I don't think that's a bad thing, though. It's always good to have multiple options. For example, i've been recovered from SH and ED stuff for many years. That doesn't mean I never get urges or "slip up". But i've learned to read those slip ups as signals that my system is communicating a message, a need, whatever, that I need to find a better way to meet. It helps me to be a lot more compassionate towards myself, and i've noticed that since I don't have to "fight" those old options anymore, it's a lot easier to hear the message, make other choices, and learn new ways.

As for people being arrogant in knowing about CPTSD and such...I agree. And I can find it immensely irritation when people try to "reason" with me when i'm triggered. Of course I "KNOW" what I should be doing or feeling, rationally. But that doesn't change how my nervoussystem responds. I'm not an idiot, geez. "Gee, thanks, I never thought of that". 

[Kizzie]

    

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Alter-Eg0 for your explanation of neuroplasticity. I didn't know all that so it's really helpful to read about it. I especially didn't know about our brains using the most effective option in any one situation. Wow. That's really interesting to me because there are sometimes emotionally and physically 'healthier' options which would absolutely floor me if I did them. I would be exhausted for days afterward if I went through with them, presumably because something about them will be very triggering and leave me adding even more 'topics' to work through. So in that moment it actually is more effective to lean on an unhealthy crutch so I can finish the task at hand, get home in one piece and that kind of thing.

___________________
Two big changes on my computer since yesterday: MS Outlook instead of my old email program and an updated version of Word (2019 instead of idk 2000). I feel overwhelmed, as if I'm in fog. I keep losing things e.g. now I'm on the Internet obviously but where are my Word documents? and how do I go quickly to whatever-you-call-it - view of my file system? Not asking for any help! I'm sure I'll discover some things by accident, learn them and just get used to the whole thing, but today - oh my goodness, it's difficult and I have so much work to do!!

It also feels as if MS has taken over my whole computer (I do not want a discussion of different software types or multinational companies, please). Things that were still available this morning e.g. Firefox no longer seem to be - apparently the only option there is to deinstall. Well, great - I have my T appointment tomorrow and it doesn't work on MS Edge, my therapist's medical video software needs Firefox. One reason I doN't like even automatic computer updates is that Idk what's going to happen exactly e.g. what all might be changed or be removed, become inaccessible. So in the end I feel like a victim again because a free decision I had (what Web browser to use) suddenly disappears and it feels as if a machine or a system takes over from me. I don't say: "but I want to keep Firefox!" because Idk that I'm going to lose it.

[Armadillo]

Your computer struggles sound so absolutely frustrating and I just relate so much to how overwhelming it can be. Those little things can just be too much sometimes. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your validation Armadillo
Things have improved over the past couple of days. I'm better able to navigate my computer, so I found Firefox again. I also no longer feel as if I'm in a total fog.

For one reason or another I think I've lost all my old emails from earlier than 2012. They were emails with attached photos e.g. of my nieces and nephews and children of friends when very small or pets from back then and/or things I'd written about my pets. However, I feel fairly stoical about it. As in: life is now, I can let all that stuff go. That's very new for me.

I've been sharing some work with a freelance colleague this week. It's doing me a lot of good actually. She's doing the parts she's better at than me (like formatting and coming up with price estimates quickly, as well as the actual translation) whereas I will be doing proof-reading and other finickity stuff and we're splitting the pay fifty-fifty. Never will I have earned so much for so little work, meaning that the work my colleague has taken on is the sort of stuff that takes me waaaaaay longer than it 'should'. Atm I'm feeling more optimistic about my freelance work and earning power.

Also 3 new students within the past 2 weeks, two of whom are adults. For one of them I have had hardly any preparation work so far. It feels really good to have an easy student who is pleased with what I deliver, even though it's somewhat new to me. It's an aspect of language-learning I had to do a course in about 25 years ago before I'd ever thought of teaching language. I'm wracking my brains a bit, but it seems to be working. It's good to have a student like this for a change!

Today I decided that I'm not taking on any additional work projects or students before May 17th because I'm at my absolute limit. In fact, all 3 new-ish students are waiting for their lesson contracts and invoices, which probably doesn't look too professional, but At least I haven't pushed myself to the point of collapse.

[Blueberry]

I'm doing even better today too. I notice that I can't write much here though. But I did want to note that I'm doing better. I haven't heard back from that friend but I'm also no longer sprawling on account of it.

Doing better on the computer now and I have at least started tackling invoices, contracts etc.