Moving Forwards

[Armadillo]

Having the motivation to tackle those types of tasks is such a great sign!!!!

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear you're doing better, and getting used to your computer setup. Take care, Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Jazzy!

_____________________

I'm super-unmotivated today. I think there's something happening in my subconscious but I have no idea what. I eat though I'm not hungry. I'm thirsty and I don't drink. Really wonky.
I was awake at 7am and considered going down into the garden to do some work because I thought that would wake me up and help me 'get sorted' again, but instead I stayed in bed till 11am.  I'm not actually haranguing myself over it. Just noting.

There are still some invoices/contracts to tackle, but at least I got started the other day.

I have a new school student. Both she and her mother are a right pain. They both need me to show strong boundaries. I suppose that's one thing that might be dragging me down at the moment. I do have exercises from T to help me, but haven't done them yet. They are exercises I use to protect myself from FOO, but they can be used for anybody who is taking up too much head space uninvited.

My other two new students, who are both adults, are both motivated to learn and really 'easy'.

[Blueberry]

I'm still unmotivated, though I did write another invoice and paid 3 of my own, business ones that is.

Last Saturday I had the second part of some professional training. Of course it was via computer, so I only had to get up and go into my office in the same building I live in. But I didn't get out of bed till after about an hour had gone by. And then I had trouble getting admitted to it because apparently something was changed about my computer set-up when 2 new things were installed. I did manage to get admitted eventually but it did take a while.

These past few months or maybe even whole school year I have been doing much, much better about being there for students and not getting sick or not being too tired to go into my office and teach or - yikes - forgetting to go and teach, but it seems 2 half days of training was too much or at best a real challenge. On the first half day when we were doing exercises on the communal whiteboard, I noticed how I was much slower than others. That's understandable, with cptsd or with my symptoms thereof anyway.

Maybe it's good I didn't manage to apply early enough for a spot on the literary translation seminars? I think one was going to be 5 full days in a row and the other one where I am on a waiting list - but very unlikely there will be enough cancellations - 3 full days in a row. So it could be good for me to try one or the other or both next year. Because I am steadily making progress in recovery, I am likely to be doing a bit better with everything a year and a bit from now, so more able to concentrate for 3 or 5 days in a row than I am now.

The other thing is: two things that are so difficult for me - charging an appropriate amount for myself and the work as well as negotiating in general would be just as complicated in this fairly new field of translation as they are in literary translation, and it also seems as if learning the new field of translation would involve a lot more work than I imagined. That's what almost everybody else in the training gave as feedback, so I'm not alone with that. I'm yawning away as I write this which means 'work in progress', but I think I'm forgiving myself for thinking it's a new field I might be good at and could learn fast. I'm certainly not actively haranguing myself about it or about spending money on the training. I might still be good at it, but I am having second thoughts about doing a follow-up course. But it is really good that I tried. Actually while I was working with the IT support person on getting admitted to the second day and excused myself for being so late anyway, I mentioned that I have a chronic illness and it seemed everything was too much so... She replied that she was impressed I was keeping on going with my professional work anyway and even doing training instead of giving up. That was really good to hear and I think she genuinely meant it, she wasn't just saying it.

I don't know if I wrote this further back, but I've been doing a few translation contracts together with another freelance colleague from my town. She has been doing price negotiation and some other things I find really difficult. I need to finish my part of one of them by tomorrow and I haven't started yet. It's evening here... No motivation. And although for the amount of work involved we'll both be getting good money, that doesn't motivate me to get on with it. So I know there's some sort of other hurdle in the way. An emotional hurdle or maybe some sort of low-level EF running in the background. Well, I do have therapy exercises to do. At least I have drunk some water and tea today, so I did pay attention to my thirst eventually. I also went into the garden to look at some of my flowers and pick some edibles for my little pets.
 

[Eidolon]

Cheers, Blueberry! You're making progress at a steady rate! I'm proud of you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Eidolon 
________________________________

I intended to get up and get going on my work 5 hours ago. I had a dream that I was with my parents. It wasn't even a really bad dream. Simply being with them without anything specific happening was bad enough. It might even just have been F. Anyway, I have taken up until now to really get going. Not all I did beforehand was non-beneficial. I fed my pets, took my two most important meds, had some tea, went into garden to pick stuff for my pets, picked a couple of little flowers too and put them in a vase. Then I noted that I was putting off doing any therapy exercises. I even swept the floor instead! So after that I sat down and did a bit of therapy exercises. I didn't really want to and I don't now either. I did yawn though so that's a sign of some progress just for today.

Just before I wanted to start work, my doctor phoned to say he can fit me in next week for a Corona jab. So it would be really beneficial for me to do as much work as possible by Monday - office and apt and garden and pets - in case the jab has a bad effect on me. It would be. But atm I just feel kind of numb again. However, best to get on with the professional work I was meant to send by this morning. However, tomorrow will be OK too.

One of my pets is a bit apathetic atm which is always a worry. It's not a good sign for guineas.

[Armadillo]

Aw I hope your Guineas are ok! It sounds to me like a great start to the day, on your own timeline.

[Not Alone]

Then I noted that I was putting off doing any therapy exercises. I even swept the floor instead!

This made me smile. No need to answer here if you don't want, but do you know why you put off doing therapy exercises?
Hope your guinea is okay.

[Blueberry]

No need to answer here if you don't want, but do you know why you put off doing therapy exercises?
Hope your guinea is okay.

I think 2 of my guineas need to go to the vet's. Will have to wait till next week, hope I can get an appointment on Monday.

Why I put off therapy exercises?  They're too much. They feel so hard. I get so exhausted. I might feel something and I don't want to feel! That was a response direct from inside.

I did actually do a bit of exercise in the night while I was lying awake.
Therapy exercises often make me feel worse rather than better. Logically, that's OK because it's just all part of the recovery process BUT on some other level that doesn't exactly inspire me because I want to get on with things rather than collapse and go to bed for the day. Though the latter is the only thing I feel up to. But still going to push myself through my one-on-one teaching this afternoon. I intended to get up at 6am and complete my translation, but went back to bed and slept/rested/did some T exercises till 9:30 and then had to get on with other things e.g. a friend dropped by to help me with some cleaning and with claw-clipping the guineas. Considering the way I am feeling, it's quite good I'm still up.

[Blueberry]

I have done a little bit of therapy exercises to reduce the total brain fog. My head feels all woolly inside and completing the work I'm meant to have finished and sent off this morning (about 10 hours ago) is going really, really slowly. It's just a matter of checking correct and consistent terminology, printing documents out and making sure the correct ones are stapled to each other, then stamping them. Max 2 hours work. Well, that's a bit of a 'should' statement because I started this the day before yesterday, maybe I managed to do some yesterday too, and this evening it's now 3 hours and I'm not finished. It does have to be accurate, so I can't say "Who cares??" and staple 2016 to 2018 (it is a trifle more complicated than just years, but not much.

So I just need to accept that this is the way it is this evening. Tomorrow is a public holiday, so theoretically I could just as well continue then as well, but I don't have the feeling that it's going to be any better, any easier for me tomorrow. I taught 2 students today and I don't think it was really noticeable that I was struggling. I noticed it was a bit more difficult than usual in the one lesson but pretty much OK with the other student. I don't know what it is with this other type of work I'm doing. While I was writing the previous sentence, my brain came over even foggier than before. Hm. So maybe I just need to accept this is the way it is and not question why? Big yawn. (Not a 'tired' yawn.) My brain going over even foggier says to me: "Don't poke about in there."

I had intended to listen to and move to some music because that can help my brain de-fog a bit, but I haven't done that because I'm feeling self-conscious. Though there's nobody to see. B1 drops by in my head. OK, so I need to send FOO to a forest thousands of miles away or to the moon, then move around to music, then go back to my work.

I tend to think, "Come on, just finish your work and then do whatever else, but get your work done first!!" A sensible enough idea except when it doesn't function as is the case right now. But at least I figured out what some of the problem is and then how to go about fixing it. Thanks OOTS

[Armadillo]

I hope you don't mind me saying so but your posts actually make me smile a bit because I so relate to your struggles most word for word. Especially this last one with 3 hrs worth of work taking 10 hrs and how much it logically makes sense to focus and get it done then get that time back but it just doesn't work like that.

[Jazzy]

Hi Blueberry,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much, to the point of crying. I know you're dealing with a lot, and it's very difficult. I'm amazed at how much you continuously get done. I know you're very work oriented, so I want to congratulate you on your accomplishments, but I also don't know how much of that work orientation comes from a healthy place and how much comes from the influence of your FOO. Of course, I don't need to know; my point is that I'm not confident in how to be a positive support on this topic, so I'm sorry for not doing better.

The therapy exercises are really hard! It's totally understandable that you feel exhausted after doing them, and being afraid to feel something you don't want to. Yes, you're right that they are part of the recovery process, and have positive results in the end, but it's important to realize their more immediate impact too. You've done well writing here what you think and feel about them, and the reactions you have to doing those exercises. I think it's important not to overwhelm or overburden yourself. Not just with work, but with therapy too. Maybe you can do those exercises when you have time available to deal with the repercussions. The upcoming holiday sounds like a great time to do some therapy, then collapse and go to bed for the day, though I understand if you would rather spend your time enjoying the day off of work.

Just an idea, maybe you can prioritize dealing with the brain fog and surrounding issues a bit more, and work a bit less? I realize it may not be that simple, but you're right that when you can't function well, it makes the work take longer. When the work is prioritized, then there is even less time for healing. Even if you want to look at it in terms of workplace efficiency (which probably isn't the most important thing), a healthy worker (physically and mentally) performs much better than an unhealthy worker, so it's often worthwhile to invest (time and effort) in to feeling better.

Sorry this is coming across a lot more "you should do this", than I want it to. I'm just trying to share some ideas which I hope are helpful, but of course it's up to you to do what's best for yourself. I'm also rambling on in your journal, so sorry for that too (all these rules are hard to follow)! I guess my main point is that it was very helpful for me to learn when the best time was to do different things. My work has its allotted time, and I did my best, which was not always as good as others, or as good as I wanted it to be, because of what I was struggling with. Its important for me to keep work within that time allotment though, so I can do other things too. Therapy has its time allotment, which includes the time it takes to deal with the reactions to it. Self care has its time as well, and when there's a bit left over, I get some fun!

I suspect maybe you know all this already, and sorry if I'm just repeating what you know. I also realize it's somewhere between extremely difficult and totally impossible to keep up proper time management when the brain is all foggy and stressed out. That's okay, just do your best, and I hope you (and your guinea pigs) feel better soon!

[Blueberry]

I hope you don't mind me saying so but your posts actually make me smile a bit because I so relate to your struggles most word for word. Especially this last one with 3 hrs worth of work taking 10 hrs and how much it logically makes sense to focus and get it done then get that time back but it just doesn't work like that.

No, I don't mind you smiling Armadillo since you can relate to those struggles too. If you couldn't relate and were smiling, that would not feel too good. But that's not the case. In fact, it's always good for me to know that others on here or elsewhere can relate to my struggles.

After writing that on Friday, I did actually focus and get it done except that I didn't contact the client and tell her she could come and collect it or I'd post it Monday. Fortunately. Because today I noticed a mistake. So I need to change some text and re-print, re-stamp, re-staple. The mere thought of doing it makes me feel like going back to bed again or just giving up. Maybe I won't do it till Monday morning. Today is a day of rest in a country where that's still respected somewhat, though in these Corona times that seems to be falling apart a bit. I also said I'd go up to the farm and do some work. With my Corona vaccination on Tuesday, it's even more important I go in case I don't feel capable next weekend. 

[Blueberry]

The therapy exercises are really hard! It's totally understandable that you feel exhausted after doing them, and being afraid to feel something you don't want to. Yes, you're right that they are part of the recovery process, and have positive results in the end, but it's important to realize their more immediate impact too. You've done well writing here what you think and feel about them, and the reactions you have to doing those exercises. I think it's important not to overwhelm or overburden yourself. Not just with work, but with therapy too. Maybe you can do those exercises when you have time available to deal with the repercussions. The upcoming holiday sounds like a great time to do some therapy, then collapse and go to bed for the day, though I understand if you would rather spend your time enjoying the day off of work.

Just an idea, maybe you can prioritize dealing with the brain fog and surrounding issues a bit more, and work a bit less? I realize it may not be that simple, but you're right that when you can't function well, it makes the work take longer. When the work is prioritized, then there is even less time for healing.

Thanks for everything you wrote, Jazzy, including the bits I haven't quoted. There is a lot of food for thought in there! There are things you are right about too, no question, like prioritising dealing with brain fog more and doing less (professional) work or even farm work. It's more a question of finding a happy medium before either the professional work becomes too much or before I'm hit by some unexpected boomerang that sends me sprawling.

I spent Saturday (the holiday) in bed reading and dozing. I didn't do any therapy exercises that I recall. Just got up from time to time to see to the guineas and to make myself hot drinks or grab an apple.

I did a little T exercise today and that helped me get out of bed. I did really want to get up. I went outside for a bit to pick greens for my guineas and just to poke about my garden after the rain, see what's flourishing and yank out some things that are flourishing too much.

"Enjoying the day off"?? I don't really do "enjoy" or I certainly don't plan it. I do spontaneously feel enjoyment or sometimes just maybe pleasure, but if I really think about enjoying the day off atm that would be staying in bed for the day reading and dozing! At other times when I feel safer it might be spending the day in the garden sitting in the sun, watching my guineas, sometimes getting up to slowly do a little work that needs doing.

I really don't mind you writing so much in my Journal. When I comment in other people's it usually gets long too. I think the rule is maybe more about not talking all about yourself in someone else's Journal, whereas here you are definitely focussed on what I said and just referring to yourself and your experience to back what you're writing.

Even if you are repeating things I may know, sometimes it can be really helpful to hear them in a slightly different way in someone else's words to make me think again a little. Or a reminder is always good anyway.

My FOO are not particularly work-oriented actually. But they did always go on about how much of a burden I was and how I was not pulling my own weight. That was often as a way to shut me out I think e.g. in sporting activities. No you can't go out in the boat with us because you don't pull your own weight (with the paddle). When I pointed out that my younger brother pulled even less weight with the paddle, he was excused because he was smaller so caused no real additional weight in the boat. This sort of stuff went on when I was 7-8-9 yo and I wasn't overweight, though they told me I was of course. So that was another thing: taking up space in the world.
So when I'm working too much or prioritising that it's my trying to make up for existing. Sometimes it's also because I'm frightened e.g. of what would become of me if I stopped trying. I think I might go to bed permanently and never do anything again. A few years ago when I decided to give up translations at least but also I think teaching, it became clear to me that that wasn't the correct decision for me either, so I'm back at both.

One of the guineas seems better again, fortunately. The other has a chronic problem and I have an appointment for her on Monday.

ETA: P.S. I have had a lot of FOO moving in and out of my dreams day and night. So they're in my subconscious and that will explain a lot of why things are pretty difficult atm

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

sorry to have been away so long. i'm not up to snuff on what you've been going thru, altho i did skim some of your posts.  i totally get the idea that you don't want to feel!  seeing as how you said that came from inside, i'm wondering if it's an inner child calling out, one who hadn't gotten the support and care she needed when she felt some kind of awful in the past.  no one to care for or about her feelings. 

perhaps those therapy exercises are encouraging you to do more than what is comfy for you - wanting you to deal with pieces which are too large to manage.  there have been several times when i was about to process something and i stopped what we were doing cuz it felt too big, too overwhelming.  i then thought of a smaller piece that i might be able to handle, and that worked better.  just a thought.

keep taking care of you, ok?  i still think you're doing really well, moving forward, being more accepting of yourself and your energy levels, and (this especially struck me) doing things the way they work for you.  like sending foo to the moon so you can dance so you can finally get to the work that needs to get done.  by the by, if you'd like any help, i have a convenient rocket ship with just enough room for your foo to fit into.  it's all fueled up and ready to go.  herd them in and light the fuse - there they go!!!  love and hugs