Moving Forwards

[Kizzie]

I suspect you're going to need a GIANT spaceship San 

[sanmagic7]

it is as big as needed . . . and expandable!   always room for one more!

[Blueberry]

by the by, if you'd like any help, i have a convenient rocket ship with just enough room for your foo to fit into.  it's all fueled up and ready to go.  herd them in and light the fuse - there they go!!!  love and hugs

No need to apologise for being away, san! You needed the time and space for you. Good self-care

Thanks for your comments on me and my situation. You're right, it could definitely be an I.Child calling out at how awful things are. I'm not surprised either because there has been a lot going on. I have been feeling bad / spaced out even worse since Thursday, since finding out I can get my first vaccination on Tuesday. I had thought I should try and do as much work as possible before then, but that's turned out impossible. I'm actually going to be quite hard put to it to do those things I really ought to do by then to prepare. Download a form, read and sign it and order some specific natural medications from a local pharmacy to start taking Mon eve. Really, I should have done it by Friday but I didn't manage. I also need to take one little guinea to the vet's on Mon. afternoon which feels hardly manageable rn. Also see if I can get the cargo bike because that does make the vet trip easier. But it's just - an additional phone call feels too much. I need to teach too and do various other bits of professional work.

I didn't go to the farm today, I decided against that. Who knows? Maybe I'll be doing better next Sunday after all and will manage. In the early evening I went into the garden instead and did some work. Garden work isn't like real work though. When I want to do it, then it actually does me good - working with the earth, in the fresh air, seeing green stuff all around, sowing seeds, rescuing things e.g. primroses from my old beds (now building site) and putting them in my current beds, picking greens for my little pets while I'm about it. Just writing about my garden work makes me feel happy. There's not nearly the amount of effort involved as there is in going to the farm - an hour's cycle.

Actually my therapy exercises are more protective than anything else, e.g. to send FOO to the moon or do some EFT, though there is a newer one I'm meant to be practising which could brings things up. It involves trying to bring myself out of the brain fog which is a type of freezing according to my T. Yeah, so that's not so protective and I can imagine why I might not want to be doing that rn...

Thanks for seeing the progress, san, and saying that you see it. You're right, it is there, and that's good for me to focus on.

[Kizzie]

working with the earth, in the fresh air, seeing green stuff all around, sowing seeds, rescuing things e.g. primroses from my old beds (now building site) and putting them in my current beds, picking greens for my little pets while I'm about it. Just writing about my garden work makes me feel happy.

Just hearing about it makes me feel happy     

[Jazzy]

Thank you for receiving my long post so well, that's a relief. Also, thank you for sharing more about why you are so work focused. That helps me understand you better, and I'm honoured that you trust me enough to share those details.

"Those details" actually sounds like a really big thing. Honestly, I'm going to start crying if I think about it much more. Hopefully some of your T exercises are specifically targeted to this topic, even if it is something simple like an affirmation about how you matter, you're important, and deserve to be here. That may be difficult for you, so beware of that. Again, don't mean to tell you what to do, but just an idea that may be helpful for you to consider and decide what's best for yourself.

Sorry to hear things are tough. I'm glad you've been in the garden again, though. That sounds so positive for you! Great job choosing healing over "real work"! 

[Jazzy]

"Enjoying the day off"?? I don't really do "enjoy" or I certainly don't plan it.

I hope its alright for me to address this, because it's bothering me a bit. It looks like I'm totally not getting the reality of your situation. While I understand if you draw that conclusion based on this, I don't believe that conclusion to be fully correct. Based on what you said about planning to work through the holiday, I didn't expect that enjoying the day off would be something you would consider.

I wrote that intentionally to highlight the fact that enjoying the day off is something that people do, and it is a totally acceptable choice. I presented it in that way because I've had a lot of positive changes in my own life start like this (even though sometimes they're only temporary), and I was hoping the same would be true for you too. Sometimes I need that feeling, which I don't know how to describe, but it's the one when you wrote the "??", in order to get something to really sink in.

So, I don't know if I made the best choice in my wording and presentation. I also don't know if I should be explaining it like this. Above all, I hope it had a positive result. I'm very sorry if it didn't.

[Blueberry]

Don't worry too much, Jazzy! These are phases. That was my spontaneous reaction: "I don't do enjoyment." In another phase like rn I'd say that that's not true. I enjoy lying in bed feeling warm. I enjoy reading. I enjoy being out in the garden in the sunshine, I even enjoy looking at the sunny garden through the window. I enjoy talking to my friends, I enjoy cycling when I actually get on my bike to do it. I enjoy most of the teaching part of my work, until I do too much of it that is. I enjoy eating too I enjoy watching guineas, whether my own or little films of other people's. I enjoy looking at nature and watching little nature clips (like the robin I linked on The Secret Garden thread). Sometimes I enjoy feeling useful. Last year I really enjoyed doing an insect count; I'm looking forward to doing it this year too. Doing it was useful too - the more people who join in, the better. So I feel 'useful' about something like that - I'm not contributing to taxes in my country but at least helping in other ways

I don't think I was even planning to work through the holiday but just do a little bit. I can't work 8 hour days, nor do I do so.

The not feeling able to enjoy is because of really, really deep-seated depression. That's something I'll probably have for life. Probably part of my freeze.

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I had my first vaccination shot yesterday and it was much, much easier than a blood draw. No (additional) freezing, no (additional) drifting away, nothing. A very pleasant surprise! I spent the few days before it pretty much in freeze though. And now I have no symptoms though I know of lots of people who had flu-like symptoms for 48 hours afterward. Well, my doc prescribed a number of natural medications to be taken immediately before and then after for a few days. I am managing them though not my other meds.

I really 'should' wash my hair, shower and vacuum my office before teaching this afternoon. I don't actually want to do any of it, not even teaching. I turned my teaching down on Monday but don't think I ought to do that this afternoon. Once I start it will be OK. Once I start with the shower and hair wash, that will be OK too. But I do need to start. I will undoubtedly feel better afterwards.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

i'm another gardener and i'm so glad for you that you have your plot to dig in and enjoy.  it is so grounding, isn't it?  i find it to be so, at least.

i, too, get those 'shoulds' going every so often.  sometimes i just don't have the energy to do what i 'should' do, sometimes i think i dissociate a little, realize when i'm halfway thru a shower that i'm actually doing it.  that's kind of a weird feeling.  it's like i went into automatic pilot to get it done, but wasn't consciously thinking about it in the beginning.

kudos to you for getting your vaccine.  i've now had both of mine, and my symptoms didn't kick in until 1 1/2 days afterwards, but for both of them it was pretty much minimal.    i'm also glad it wasn't a horrible experience for you. 

keep taking care of you, no matter what form that takes, ok?  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I think I'm mourning FOO or more especially F. He comes up in dreams. I'm just depressed and super-unmotivated. I have been doing a few things to try and get back on track but mostly go back to bed...

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a supportive hug   
Hope 

[Armadillo]

 

The dreams are hard.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope and Armadillo.
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I have a new student, a child. She and her mother both find excuses why her marks are bad. After a couple of lessons now I think the problem is that this child is lazy. I don't want to trigger anybody but that is just my impression. Of course I haven't said that in so many words to the child or the mother, but I digress.

The important thing for me is that I think that I - just like this child  - could be making more of my plus points and going further. So I think I'm lazy too sometimes and definitely not always in a helpful way. Sometimes what looks like lazy is me really needing a break, letting things settle psychologically. But sometimes I think I could be doing more in some way. So that would be getting back to my: What is the most beneficial action I could be taking right now? It could be taking a break. But it also could be doing something grounding or doing something to give me a sense of agency. I don't get a sense of agency from lying around reading and dozing or playing patience and eating. That's something for me to keep in mind because I grew up with a very weak sense of agency - that happens when FOO tells you how useless you are. I can counteract that by showing myself that the steps I take actually lead somewhere for me! They help me achieve things I want to achieve or at least give me the option of knowing I tried even if it didn't quite lead where I wanted.

So maybe I'm not lazy per se maybe it's more that I'm frightened and anxious (nothing new for me). But still it's good for me to note that it would be beneficial for me to try. I know for myself what things I am not moving on. It would be good to move on these things or at least try because the less I do of that, the more blocked I feel and the harder it gets to move on anything.

[Armadillo]

You are DEFINITELY NOT lazy and I can completely see why you would have that message in your head from FOO and why you push yourself so hard.

I hope you can find a way to connect with your new student and find a way to help her be motivated, whatever the reason.

I'm not saying it's the case with this girl but all my teachers and peers thought I was a lazy freak or drug addict as a kid and I was none of those things. Just traumatized and shutdown.

[Jazzy]

A lot of wisdom here, Blueberry! 

Excellent job with self-reflection, self-understanding, and self-appreciation! You are phenomenal! 

I hope you find a good balance between moving on the things you want to work on, and not overtaxing yourself.

Perhaps the child you are working with could be better mentally as well. Based on what you said about her mother finding excuses for her, I have to wonder what she is being taught (by example) at home! I imagine that makes things difficult for you, but I hope you can work through it without it taking too much of a toll, and perhaps even be a good role model for the child, just by being yourself.

[CactusFlower]

Great analysis, Blueberry! Lots of good self-reflection and it sounds like you have a plan. Asking yourself "What is the most beneficial action I could be taking right now?" sounds like something I could start doing as well.

This is just a thought because of course I don't know your student or her home life, but is it possible she's not challenged enough? I just wonder because in the time that I grew up, that was when they stopped a lot of the "Gifted and Talented" programs in school. I often got accused of not paying attention or daydreaming after that simply because I was so! very! bored! with the regular work.  Just a thought. Maybe she's not being given a chance to reach her potential at home and that seeps over into school.