Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Excellent job with self-reflection, self-understanding, and self-appreciation!

Thank you for pointing those out to me. I guess my self-understanding and self-appreciation are getting better.

I hope you find a good balance between moving on the things you want to work on, and not overtaxing yourself.

This is a very good wish for me. As I reflect on it, I realise that I haven't had the feeling that I'm galloping along and then suddenly pull the brakes on hard. That used to be a huge problem: gallop headlong, stop. Gallop headlong. Stop. etc. So now maybe I'm in a phase of non-galloping so I don't have to pull the brakes on hard, but it feels strange because new? 

Based on what you said about her mother finding excuses for her, I have to wonder what she is being taught (by example) at home! I imagine that makes things difficult for you, but I hope you can work through it without it taking too much of a toll, and perhaps even be a good role model for the child, just by being yourself.

Good point about what she's being taught by example! I guess it's slightly triggering for me because of what I was taught by example at home - quite similar in a way: others are at fault, the system is at fault. For my parents the others/system was: the country we re-emigrated to in my first year of school. So the message was something like: we can't better ourselves/our situation because we're stuck in this country (not the case, it was a choice to go back for employment reasons) combined with we don't want to better ourselves/our situation anyway because we don't want to live here and nothing is like back home in the old country.

In my young student's case, Corona and all the school restrictions are at fault according to mother and child combined with the lack of good teaching in English (as a foreign language) in elementary school. According to me the child's biggest problem is that she doesn't want to learn her vocabulary. Actually the mother knows that's a problem too but still told her child, who told me, that the most important thing for the child is to have English conversation with me. Well, as I write that all out I realise that the child and I are both hearing pretty mixed messages!

There's no doubt about it: Corona and all the restrictions are making things tough for school students but there's so much more going on with this child.

I know I'm giving this child and her mother rent-free space in my head. They both need boundaries and they both need me to be strict. Fair but strict. That's part of what was missing for me at home too actually. In many ways my parents were strict and certainly towards me very unfair but in some situations like schooling they didn't really care about me and how I progressed despite being university-educated etc themselves. I gathered at home that education and teachers in the country we re-emigrated to were mostly useless and not to be respected, so why do homework then?? I didn't mostly. But FOO didn't respect people or even themselves in general, so I didn't learn much self-respect either. So "laziness", as I've been calling it, might be better termed: a lack of respect for myself. There's that saying about watching your thoughts because they turn into words which turn into deeds and eventually into your character (or I might add your children's character).

Doing things for yourself whether washing your hair, cleaning your apartment or simply learning your vocabulary is a sign of respect for yourself. Some members of FOO like F are not good at this type of self-respect. Tons of money but wander around in moth-eaten clothes. When your gloves are worn thin, they don't keep your hands warm. A sign of self-respect and of course self-care would be to buy new gloves. F doesn't. But I'm pretty bad at that kind of thing too. 

Anyway, whether it's clear to anybody else through my ramblings, it's becoming clear to me that this child and her mother are in my thoughts due to what the situations is telling me about myself now, and also somewhat in the past, though the past is less relevant. To be mourned maybe. Ah no, an Inner Child has just popped up so the past is relevant. So I will end this in order to work with my Inner Child.

[Armadillo]

Aw, hugs to you, Blueberry. It sure sounds like this client is a little bit triggering given your past. I agree you are super insightful and thoughtful. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armadillo 

I'm feeling more purposeful this morning, so I am also feeling better too. Undoubtedly that's connected to my thoughts and meanderings yesterday, oh yes and my work with this Inner Child. Actually I'm not even sure it's an Inner Child. It's possibly more the very undernourished side of me, a part that is not looking for food as nourishment. So, off into the garden again to pick greens for my little furbabies and then up to the farm. Lovely sunny day though I mostly work indoors, but the cold indoor place will be warmer and it'll be a lovely cycle up to the farm.    And all of those places give me some form of good nourishment.

[Jazzy]

Blueberry, this is incredible! The way you were able to realize that you were upset by someone else, analyze why, then find the connection to your own life, then work to improve yourself is absolutely outstanding. 

a lack of respect for myself

I don't mean to put you down at all, but I think this is so crucial. If I could say just one thing to everyone with CPTSD, it would be that building self-respect in whatever way works for you (them), is the most fundamental part of healing.

You've really nailed so many points here. I'm not going to list them all, but this one stands out to me:

There's no doubt about it: Corona and all the restrictions are making things tough for school students but there's so much more going on with this child.

Yes, there are a lot of factors in life. A lot of things could really be improved. The plague, school restrictions, others, the system. It breaks my heart that these things are not better, especially our education system. However, we have a choice. We can do our best in the situations we find ourself in, or we can not bother putting much effort in, and stay stuck.

I'd suggest that you should reward yourself for doing so great, but I believe you've already done that by going to the garden!  Wow! I'm impressed, and I'm so happy for you.

[Blueberry]

I'm finally moving on that letter to my ll regarding the other business neighbour and the toilet. The situation in there is just indescribable. Unfortunately though I worked on it for a number of hours, I didn't manage to finish. I end up moving sentences around, finding the order illogical, moving paragraphs, deleting bits, adding other bits, checking my grammar because I can't remember if a particular word is masculine or neuter etc etc but at the same time I don't seem to be able to stop doing so or think to myself: "It doesn't matter - just send it and get it over with!" So I suppose it does matter to me or my ICr. or somebody. Oops, my ICr. shouldn't really be classed as a "somebody".

One good thing though - I was able to tap into my anger again without being overwhelmed by it. My head has a few "This is a totally unacceptable situation" / "The state of ... is absolutely disgusting" going through it and I wrote these sorts of sentences and will certainly be leaving them in the final copy. That does feel good and it makes me feel strong, and in my Adult.

Much more minor, because far from the first time, but I also cleaned out my FurBabies' extensive living quarters so I feel better about them having it clean and dry underfoot again.

I also got started on another translation, which I've known about for a while. It's the last one though. I got a further inquiry this morning and though I did look at it, I decided that I didn't like the look of it, that it's not going to be any fun at all for me, and so I declined. Even though the person needs it badly but she was also reasonable about various things, which not all clients are. But still - no, not at this time, not a good time for me. So I said I don't have capacity, which is perfectly reasonable and even true. I feel proud of myself for this. 

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I can see where the letter to ll would be so difficult. That has been a stressful, emotional issue for you. Add to that the struggle to find the right words and correct grammar. Bravo to you for working on it.

Yeah for tapping and for cleaning FurBabies living quarters.

If I recall correctly, in the past you would have accepted the translation job or said no and questioned yourself. I proud of you too, that you were able to assess the job, realize it wasn't for you, and say no.

[Armadillo]

 

Way to say no!!!!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armadillo and notalone 

You're correct about the translation job, notalone. Either I would have accepted for all sorts of unhealthy reasons or I would have had all sorts of guilty thoughts of the "should have" variety for turning it down. Merely writing that is enough for M to appear in my mind. So took a little break to send her away to some forests thousands of miles away.

I had therapy yesterday and asked for direct help from my T on writing a letter to ll My T dictated a letter to me. At first he said it would just be a rough thing, I'd have to revise it a little myself, but then I did get him to repeat more slowly and I wrote it out word-for-word. Might sound as if that's not really a therapist's job, but it became clear to me and is obviously already clear to my T that I can't shut my emotions out of what I'm writing. Nor can I avoid dropping into feeling "I have to prove this beyond reasonable doubt". What all that means is that the very act of setting a limit, saying "No" catapults me back into some form of traumatic memory where I have no access to a completely detached, intellectual way of expressing my needs and rights. I had been trying to write this letter to ll for so long that now - as I write this post - I realise at my present stage of recovery, I'm not capable of writing a letter that will move my ll to deal with the issue at hand. In fact the only person really capable of helping me here is unfortunately my T! I have tried to get help elsewhere, but have met dead-ends, shall we say. Or people who thought they had to teach me how to do things I cannot do because of my own particular brand of cptsd. Or people with totally different ideas on how I should (oh, there's that "should" again) resolve the situation, e.g. installing a toilet in my office, without comprehending how that is another ballgame altogether which in itself would send me sprawling in a different direction for months and still not set my business neighbour or my ll a real, forceful boundary. So getting help seems to involve a lot of JADE - justifying, arguing, defending, explaining. Altho they say over at OOTF that you should not do that, what happens if I'm so stuck I can't avoid it? Does that mean I have to constantly put up with the behaviour of people - narcs or otherwise - who drive me to this? So I sound like a victim when I write that?? As somebody else recently wrote on here, I am a victim of what was done to me in my childhood - and later - by FOO. My T's understanding of how trauma gets me into these types of situations is necessary to helping enable me get back out again. It's not as if I haven't tried on my own.

Sorry that's very long but I can't decide where to make a para break, which is the sort of thing I can't decide when writing difficult missives to ll and other people as well.

So I got help, but can't email my ll till tomorrow. On the recommendation of my T, I'll write that I've given business neighbour a copy, which I will then do obviously. At first I thought I wouldn't do that, not wanting to give the neighbour advance warning and allowing him to clean everything nicely before ll deals, but then I realised that the state at the moment has what has finally galvanised me into deciding: I HAVE to do this for my own comfort and that of my students as well as my self-respect but ll doesn't need to know I'm at the end of my tether with this, in fact better not because that's emotional which seems to make him dismissive and go into denial about his responsibilities as ll towards me, his tenant. Should he ask, I have photos and other proof from a few months ago. That's enough.

Even the thought of actually typing out what I hand-wrote during T session and sending it to ll gave me stomach pains yesterday. That's enough for me to be dealing with! I don't also have to be stressing my head and emotions to the degree it happens just because my ll refuses to do his job as ll and because my business neighbour is constantly pushing my boundaries and being completely disrespectful of my basic needs.

So that's been a big thing in the past couple of days. I'm now behind on my final translation of the past month or so, but I will manage by some time tomorrow. I enjoyed doing some of the terminology research and it is all starting to fall into place in the strange way that happens to me. You'd think the work might go sentence by sentence, paragraph by paragraph, but that's just not how it works out for me. At least I can translate more than I used to be able to in one sitting   I realised that when I was reading some old posts of mine yesterday.

I took a break earlier in the day when it was still sunny and spent time in the garden, picking greens for my FurBabies  -  which they accepted with relish - and doing a little weeding as well as looking at what's growing and flowering and flourishing while I was about it.

[Blueberry]

I'm just noting this website here for myself: https://theoverwhelmedbrain.com/repressed-emotions/ Computer-wise is the least scary place for me to put it atm.  So I may also remove it in a day or two.
It might interest other people, but that's not my prime motive. I'm adding a *TW* because one of the examples used could be triggering to survivors of (C)SA, although it isn't to me.

[sanmagic7]

my dear blueberry,

i know how long you've struggled with this LL thing, and i give you all kinds of credit for asking for help.  i totally related to the idea of not being able to keep emotions out of some correspondence, and i've taken to asking my d to critique emails, etc. before i actually send them.  well done, you!   

i agree with you about some deep-seated something hiding away that wants to get out when there is an emotional element behind the missive.  i feel that, too.  it's like i wasn't able to speak my truth about how i felt in person, so it wants to leak out into correspondence, where it's really not the time or place anymore.

you did great, and i get the stomach pains, too.  lots of admiration for this step you took.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san 

________________
Came on here tonight and read a few new posts, decided against responding so as to have energy for my own post. Then I did respond to one but I do think I did it more for myself than for the OP. Whereas if I'd welcomed a new mbr, it would be more for that person and harkening back to my days as Mod. Let other mbrs on here do the welcoming today.  for me.

Some good stuff: I taught both students well today, both adults. 90 minutes and 60 minutes. The 90 minute one has been happy with my work so far but was even happier today. I think she maybe didn't consciously realise how the lesson could be different and how I could make it more directly relevant to her current situation and her own learning methods. She's really motivated and does a lot of learning and practise on her own.

The 60 minute one needs professional workplace-oriented language, which isn't my thing at all, but it's working well because she really needs language help especially pronunciation and that kind of thing rather than all the latest buzz words. She's not at all condescending or anything like that when I don't know a workplace expression from her company. So this way I remain in my Adult and don't slip back into one of my Teenage Inners who is totally overwhelmed and lost in a professional context and in having to use more mature methods of verbal expression than a 16y.o. is usually capable of.

I'm having fun with my translation!!! It's a case where I get to do a huge edit and really move away from the original text to make the document sound as natural as possible, even if that means leaving out some content. I often can't do that with the documents I normally translate. So I'm happy. 

I think I'll leave the stuff where I'm feeling a bit explosive for another day. Maybe do some EFT before I go to bed to calm myself a bit instead.

[Jazzy]

Hi Blueberry,

Great job prioritizing yourself, and with all the good stuff you've listed here! I'm so happy to see you using words like "fun" and "happy" to describe yourself and your moods. That's incredible! 

I also "hear" you that you are still working through some things, and while I haven't talked much about that, I see that you are making good progress on that front as well. You're doing absolutely wonderful! 

[Armadillo]

Wow! That's so very awesome that you are having fun, feeling happy, and taking care of yourself by doing EFT to calm down. 

[Blueberry]

So the explosive thing I mentioned in previous post.

I have noticed that people tend to give me unwanted advice and instead of me being able to say "Thanks, but I don't need your help, my mind is made up" or something like that I go into JADE mode: Justify Argue Defend Explain. Especially the Explaining part combined with feeling I need to Justify my decisions, feelings, actions.

Yesterday a friend phoned wondering if I was OK since she hadn't heard from me for a while. She supposed that my problems with that other friend are still dragging me down a bit. Yes, correct. But then when I talked a bit about how that's going, she came up with explanations and justifications for this other friend. They aren't friends btw, so that's not the reason.

I wrote on here before something like: "Please give me the courtesy of believing that I actually know what I'm talking about."

My T has been saying on and off for months now that just because somebody doesn't like me setting a limit or making a reasonable request in no way means that I'm not allowed to make the request, say "No" etc. As I write that down, I think: "Well, yeah, that's logical" but growing up the way I did obviously that never landed in my People Skills ToolBox. So tonight that means another email to write and point out to this next friend that I don't want help/advice/interpretations unless I say so.

Our phone conversation wasn't really that enjoyable. I got riled and rattled and then kind of loud and even started swearing about FOO's treatment of me but couldn't seem to get out of the conversation. Every time I said something there was a repartee, so I ended up justifying myself there too. I think that I'm at least sort of being understanding of myself about it, not self-condemning anyway. I realise I need to practise noticing what's going on and stopping the conversation way earlier by saying "This isn't up for discussion."

Other than possibly exuding an air of "Please crash through my boundaries", I realised today that my rhetorical questions beginning with "Why...?", possibly also "Why on earth...?" might not be being understood as rhetorical and so some people are maybe trying to answer the question for me. But as my T has been advising me for a while, whatever reason people have doesn't justify their behaviour towards me AND it doesn't negate my right to say any of the following "No. Please stop this. I don't want your advice...."

It all boils down to I've spent my life second-guessing and even third-guessing myself, giving others the benefit of the doubt, putting up with other people's atrocious behaviour towards me because I was taught to in FOO. I learned that lesson really well growing up, undoubtedly I needed to in order to more or less survive. After decades of practice it's hard to break out of the role. Even harder when people I thought were friends are trying to keep me in that role for whatever reasons of their own. And as my T keeps telling me, those reasons don't have to interest me (because I then get caught up in them and forget myself and my needs.)

Maybe it was on OOTF that I read somewhere that if people don't accept your "No" and start arguing, they're being manupulative. Idk if that's always the case but it's certainly worth keeping in mind for me to maybe help me set a limit, not second-guess myself etc.

As I wrote above: "Please give me the courtesy of believing that I actually know what I'm talking about."
Also: "Just because I have trauma in my background and have trouble reacting appropriately in all situations now (especially having trouble defending myself, being there for myself) does not mean that I misinterpret everybody's actions and words." And: "Just because 'you' don't have a diagnosed psychological problem, it doesn't follow that you know more than I do about the best ways of dealing with conflict. Nor does it mean you're 100% emotionally healthy. "

[Armadillo]

It sounds like you have a really good ally in your therapist, supporting you in learning to stand up to others and protect what you need. And it sounds like the people in your life giving advice aren't just sort of ignorant about what you need but perhaps are actively trying to make you doubt yourself and take advantage of you?