Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armadillo for your supportive and caring words. My T is excellent for me. He really gets it. He also never shows any impatience at the time I'm taking or anything like that. Therapists did in the past.

I got a return email from the friend I emailed yesterday. She is the mother of my godson. Oh my, there are a few things amiss there too. Kudos to myself for speaking up the other day. I spent a couple of hours today formulating a reply and then sending it. At least this friend has shown some accountability for her behaviour and has also explained where it's coming from and has at least NOT said anything like "Please do NOT expect me to act against my personal beliefs/usual behaviour."  However there is other stuff in her email which is sad to read, like she's wondering if I still want to maintain contact with my godson, as in do I still care? Hello??! She's never thought to ask. Wow.

Some of it is just hard to read, like all the time she's known me despite all the therapy I've done, she doesn't see any kind of improvement that remains stable. I've heard that before. People in my life have problems when I don't recover as fast as they think I should or in the ways they think I should. Oh, there's that 'should' again. She also mentioned my constant conflicts with people close to me, which hurts like he-double hockeysticks. My conflicts come about because I stand up (obviously rather ineffectually) to people trampling my boundaries. And some of those people then keep provoking and behaving passively-aggressively, e.g. the other business neighbour. So it hurts to feel that the blame is being seen on me. Maybe I'm reading too much into that. But it sounds to me like: you must be the problem because you're the one who gets into conflicts, whereas - what about the behaviour of some of these people towards me??!? How is that OK? Rhetorical question. It is NOT OK.  Sorry for shouting and exploding.

Oh man, cptsd is such a curse.

[Blueberry]

I wanted to write a word I keep forgetting: disempowering. I feel disempowered when people question my decisions and how I carry them out. Their behaviour feels disempowering to me. I could do with some empowering people around me. I know that means opening my eyes and heart to finding new people, it doesn't tend to just happen all on its own.

[Blueberry]

I got a return email from the friend I emailed yesterday. She is the mother of my godson. Oh my, there are a few things amiss there too. Kudos to myself for speaking up the other day. I spent a couple of hours today formulating a reply and then sending it.

Got a response to that this morning too. If I detach myself from the situation, it's even slightly comical, but mostly it's somewhat hurtful and frustrating. As I have experienced in other situations, I'm seen as the emotionally-unhealthy one because of all my symptoms but in actual fact I have much more clarity on the situation than she does. Well, I think so anyway. For one thing, she is trying to heal me and is frustrated that it's not working. She's making assumptions about, eg. the best way for me to heal. I really think she genuinely means well. Her thoughts and words are coming from a good place, but it's still not appropriate and it's causing a rift.

I'm also hearing mixed messages of I should see them more often, stay in better contact though otoh she's concentrating on other things so... But doesn't spell out what exactly that means. I know what she's concentrating on atm but Idk what the "so..." refers to. I think it might mean she doesn't have time or energy for me, but that doesn't fit with wanting more contact.

Of course I'm going to write again and gently point a few things out and ask a few questions. But: Ho hum. Unfortunately, it's not the first time that somebody has been projecting some of their own stuff onto me. There are more examples, more convuluted stuff but I don't have to prove that to anybody. Yay  progress. Also probably quite a few mbrs on here know what I mean anyway. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

[Armadillo]

Your friend sounds exhausting and obnoxious, Blueberry! You have a lot of strength and patience to keep trying with her (I'm guessing your Godson is a big reason?).

[Blueberry]

Your friend sounds exhausting and obnoxious, Blueberry! You have a lot of strength and patience to keep trying with her

Hm. I've never thought of it that way before. All discussions of this sort are exhausting for me. This is the fourth long-term good friendship where I have noticed, or am noticing, problems. In one friendship I haven't said anything, I just kind of back off a bit sometimes.
With this friendship, as for the other 2 which have gone belly-up, I'm going to see if and what we can save of it. I actually consider her a really good friend, so that's why I'll keep trying for a while. I just added that bit about my godson in case any of my long-time readers on here read and that might ring a bell.
But thanks for mentioning strength and patience Armadillo because my ICr says quite different things of course.

Another good reason to tackle this is that it's good practice. I can feel stronger in myself than I did just yesterday.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you reflecting on friendship.  One of the experiences you mentioned above with the friend that is trying to heal you and sends mixed messages resonates with me.  I am navigating friendships too and appreciate I am not alone in that.  It is tricky.

[Armadillo]

I'm really happy to hear it is a friend worth educating about how to best support you. That's awesome. I'm glad she overall makes your life better. 

[Blueberry]

On the email to ll + neighbouring business:

So I got help, but can't email my ll till tomorrow. On the recommendation of my T, I'll write that I've given business neighbour a copy, which I will then do obviously. At first I thought I wouldn't do that, not wanting to give the neighbour advance warning and allowing him to clean everything nicely before ll deals, but then I realised that the state at the moment has what has finally galvanised me into deciding: I HAVE to do this for my own comfort and that of my students as well as my self-respect

Wrote email and sent today. Then I made a copy and gave it to my business neighbour. I delivered it by hand because he doesn't often empty his letter box. In no time at all he was back out of his business demanding through the glass dividing door in the hallway "What the .... this is?" and whether I'd written it. I affirmed that I had, immediately regretted that I hadn't said "No, it's from a lawyer" but otoh if he wants to deny to ll that he ever received it, he won't be able to tell ll "she wrote it herself". He waved the letter around, banged on the door and demanded I open the door though of course he has a key. I refused to open the door. So he pushed it towards me under the door. So meaning "Return to Sender". His grasp of the local language is not enough to have understood the details in the very short time he had the letter, but he must have understood at least that I've sent a letter of complaint to ll and that it is about the toilet.

I came back into my office and locked my own door from inside, which I very rarely do. I'm sweating a bit and feel kind of nervous. Is he going to try and get revenge by destroying something of mine? Or planting himself in my garden again which could also involve destroying a plant or two.

I know this is 2021 and he is not B1 but the tailor is aggressive and like B1 he doesn't seem to have any ability to take any responsibility for his own actions. How is it OK to not clean a toilet for over 2 months? I know because I've been permitted to teach school children in my office again since 22 March. The toilet was in an appalling state then, and still is. I do check regularly to see if he's cleaned it, but he hasn't. In fact I think it's likely he hasn't cleaned it or at least not the toilet seat since we went back into hard lockdown 5 months ago. Unfortunately his business was allowed to stay open throughout lockdown because repair shops are. I understand that people need to get cars, bicycles etc. repaired - transportation! - , but clothes? However, these are the rules.

So I'm thinking 'wow' in a bad way at his refusal to accept any responsibility. No accountability. Just verbal aggression towards me. He gives me dirty looks too when I'm in the garden. otoh he once did ring my apartment bell to let me know it was storming and snowing etc so I should bring my 'sandwich board' advertising back in. He even spoke semi-decently too but that was because he wanted some information. Still, I gave him the information he wanted.

[Armadillo]

You're doing great Blueberry! That's a scary thing to do and have to deal with.  Be nice and gentle with yourself today. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you're ok.  The interaction with your business neighbour sounds stressful to me, and he does sound like he's aggressive in his stance and body language.  I feel angry about his inability to clean that toilet, that is definitely not taking responsibility for something - in my opinion.  Banging on your door and demanding you open it - that's not right.  I hope that your ll will respond to your letter soon, and that you get an outcome that is reasonable.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both Armadillo and Hope for your support! 

[Blueberry]

I've had a pretty good day today Lots of getting-on-with-things energy and lots of mental energy, which helps with my little business.

I tend to have more energy when I've been setting limits. My T confirmed a long time ago that would be the case, except when setting the limit is so difficult that it totally exhausts me. In that case, the energy will come but as a delayed reaction.

[Blueberry]

Blueberry, I appreciate you reflecting on friendship.  One of the experiences you mentioned above with the friend that is trying to heal you and sends mixed messages resonates with me.  I am navigating friendships too and appreciate I am not alone in that.  It is tricky.

Thanks rainydiary, it is tricky. It's helpful for me to hear you're navigating friendships too and that my example resonates with you. I felt/feel so exhausted today I can't write more here though I wanted to.

[Jazzy]

This sounds rough, Blueberry. I'm sorry that you're being treated like this. It is not right at all. I hope you can find some way to get a long term resolution for this situation, and that you have the strength to deal with it in the meantime.

While you're right that he is not B1 in the past, it is completely understandable to think about that given the similarities. I've made similar connections like that myself.

I'm glad to see that you had a good day shortly afterwards, with lots of energy. You're doing great! 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to send you a hug    I know you were tired when you wrote in your diary, and I know that you wrote something that was incredibly supportive to me in the other part of the forum, and I wanted to tell you that I appreciated that so much.  But I also hope that you are able to get some rest, or whatever you need at this time. 
Hope