Moving Forwards

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notalone

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #30 on: December 06, 2020, 08:33:06 PM »
Blueberry, I don't have anything to add, but just want to send my support and care.

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marta1234

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #31 on: December 06, 2020, 08:57:31 PM »
Blueberry, I just wanted to come by and send you my support. Iím always proud of you for all the work youíve been doing to stand up for yourself. Sending you my hugs and love  :hug:
Also, great that you found this mask. Thankful that it will make life a bit easier for you. :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #32 on: December 07, 2020, 09:08:04 AM »
Thank you notalone and marta!  :)  :hug: :hug:

I can feel your support and care and love. It's doing me really good this morning where I'm feeling the Monday morning blahs or probably actually it's a day I need to take slowly. There's so much on my Highly Recommended / Could list this morning. So I have to remind myself that it really is Could. It's not Must. It's not even Recommended. It is simply Could, for if I have the wherewithal. The Highly Recommended part are those things that keep me stable on a day-to-day basis and hardly ever varies. Things that would keep me stable but that I can't manage regularly don't go on this list, e.g. being in bed by midnight.

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #33 on: December 07, 2020, 10:00:10 AM »
Now I remember an old 'slogan' of mine on moving forwards or at least not falling back: What is the easiest, most beneficial activity I could do now?
Certainly not roaming around the Internet.

In this case, turn computer off and go and have some breakfast and tea and then my meds.

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #34 on: December 07, 2020, 05:02:02 PM »
After breakfast, tea and meds I read for a while and fell asleep. But in the afternoon I did quite a few things off my Could list like teaching, but also phoning a few places like the vet's for an appointment and my doc for a blood draw appointment. I still feel as if I have done nothing today. So I don't know what is triggering that. Yesterday was such a good day too. I was so lively yesterday! Oh well. This phase will pass too.

It's good to remind myself that I stall in certain areas for a reason. One reason is to prevent the emotional overload that a particular area is likely to trigger (like letter to my landlord) and another big reason is to prevent general emotional overload which can itself trigger a feeling of physical overload where I don't even get out of bed in the morning. Or I catch a cold just because. So it's OK to take a break!!

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #35 on: December 08, 2020, 05:29:56 AM »
I went to bed super early last night and woke up at about 2am because of a double nightmare. The second part was being at my parents' with the familiar theme of me being pushed around and me also trying to leave, trying to strike out on my own. The first part was terrible. TW PA!!!



I had killed the baby next door. I thought about the mother and felt very sad for her and I also thought about the upcoming court case and wondered what I'd say because I had no idea how I'd done it. I was drawing a complete blank. I just knew it had been violent and intentional. The parents are not people I have problems with btw

 End TW

The moving forwards part is that I knew as soon as I woke up that it had been a dream, not reality. I didn't react in any way afterwards. Despite my fairly short night, I didn't really feel tired and atm I don't feel incapable of getting on with today's Highly Recommended/Could list. In fact there's even a Must at the top of it all. I absolutely have to be a somebody's house at 7:15 to tell her I don't need xyz after all. I couldn't find her phone number in all my chaos yesterday. Paradoxically because I did some tidying recently and the strip of paper it was written on was among the things I tidied up. But where to?? Obviously not anywhere logical like my little address book. Being confused and incapable of finding something that's possibly right under my nose is also a sign of an EF for me so makes sense for yesterday too. Oh well, a nice early morning winter walk or cycle will force me to get some fresh air and a spot of exercise, both of which I need.
« Last Edit: December 08, 2020, 05:32:04 AM by Blueberry »

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #36 on: December 08, 2020, 11:31:19 PM »
Apparently I wasn't really over it. After my early morning cycle, I had my breakfast and meds and went and lay down for hours shivering under a blanket but also sleeping. I had written 'take it easy' on my Could list, so it was legitimate to do so.

I did do a few active things on my Could list like collect apples and pears from the place where I can and took my bike to a bike mechanic's to get it set up for winter. I still feel as if I have accomplished 'nothing'. Beyond that, I need to get the bus tomorrow early-ish and I'm still hesitating about getting my new safer mask out of its packaging and putting it on. It's a problem I have: being/feeling really wary of anything unknown, especially when my hands could be involved - getting things out of packets, working with tools, cooking, cleaning. As usual when I write things become clearer.

This feeling wary seems to be what has kept me up surfing around on the Internet instead of going to bed. My inner head is nodding, so that's what it is. A kind of dread. The wary feeling is visceral too, in my hands. It's good I'm writing about it because that's made me realise it's not silly. Before I came on here I was feeling silly, but also remembering I've reminded other members on here that they are not silly, it's trauma. That applies in my case too.

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marta1234

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #37 on: December 09, 2020, 06:13:04 PM »
Sending you my support and a hug, Blueberry. I hope your day went ok  :hug: And I agree with your inner self, it is not silly. Iím sorry youíve been made to believe that. Trauma is painful and not silly at all.

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #38 on: December 09, 2020, 08:26:09 PM »
Thank you marta :hug: My day went OK considering. I was able to put my mask on and it does work better than the ones I have had until now. I got to the vet's on time and then in the early evening I got to my doc in time for a blood draw. I started yawning like crazy just before and during the blood draw but I couldn't feel what was wrong.

My day went OK as I said but I feel rather desperate and overwhelmed. At the vet's I was told that my FurBaby is in pretty bad pain so the choice is get her put to sleep or painkillers daily for life. Painkillers it is. Along with antibiotics every day for 8 weeks. The latter seem to taste quite good (they smell sweetish) but the painkiller sure doesn't smell nice and FurBaby turns away. Then there's an additional medicine which apparently tastes really bad. I don't want my little FurBaby to suffer and I also don't want to get her put to sleep because she's actually quite active. Despite deformed front paws, she scampers about. She also still likes to eat. However I do know that in previous years having chronically sick FurBabies who needed medication regularly or even daily took a lot out of me.

Then I read that we're probably going down into hard lockdown again in January so that's rather worrying. Will I have to close my business again? Not all my students have Skype, especially the younger ones and the older ones. Of course the health of the nation is more important than anything else. Still, it feels unsettling today.

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #39 on: December 10, 2020, 11:19:39 AM »
I've just had therapy where we worked on 3 or 4 different topics including ll till we got to the biggie at almost the end: my reluctance to take exercise in the form of just going for a walk or something like that. Mostly involved exhaling gently and feeling what seemed to be going on in my body like a tightness in chest and heaviness in throat and yawning and yawning, then having this tightness and heaviness move up and out into my hands, my hands taking on the pain I couldn't feel before and then shaking it out. Then at the end I remembered one really good development and one really good fact which I had forgotten about. I forget the good stuff so easily.

Good development: For the past few years I've known that I won't be kicked out of my present country after the UK leaves the EU. I'm a British citizen but live in a continental EU country and could only get citizenship if they decided to make an exception. Otherwise I earn way too little, have way too little pension coming my way and healthwise there's no way I can just go and get a normal job rather than my pretty shaky freelance stuff so no citizenship of this country according to the usual criteria. But I have nothing on paper despite knowing ( a lawyer told me originally). Since Jan. 1st is coming up fast, I phoned to inquire at the local Foreigners Office. I still don't have anything on paper but they were so helpful and friendly. They pulled up my file and confirmed what the lawyer had said and went even further, saying the length of time I've been here in this country, I'll have almost the same rights as the nationals of this country :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:   For me it's so essential to feel a sense of belonging and a sense that the rug ISN'T going to suddenly be pulled out from under my feet.

They also explained that they haven't got back to me yet because of the continuing talks at the EU level. That's good to know - they haven't forgotten me or lost my file. There's still this part in me that fears being blamed - Why didn't you get back to us when we didn't get back to you??!? Now it's all your fault you're being deported. If you'd only acted properly way before this! Too bad now.    To be fair I have encountered that kind of attitude before in this country and of course growing up in FOO, but NTS just because it has happened two times before in this country approx 25 and 20 years ago and also once in inpatient therapy (Grr!) doesn't mean it will again!

Good fact: I really don't have to worry about the probable hard lockdown coming in January and probable lack of income. I have got so much financial help coming from friends and also FOO has just agreed to send me some too that I can get by easily. The other thing that's always a slight worry is some official person from Health Insurance or Tax Office or somewhere like that coming along and saying, your little business is obviously a sham because you put more money in than you get out of it, close down now. But they're hardly likely to do that in the current crisis.

So even more reason to write 3 Good Things Today and that kind of thing, whether here or in my paper Journal. To not forget these developments and realisations.

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Hope67

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #40 on: December 11, 2020, 07:20:56 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: to hear that you have the same rights as the nationals in the country you're living in currently.  Having a sense of belonging, that is wonderful.   :hug:
Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #41 on: December 13, 2020, 02:23:43 PM »
Thank you Hope :hug: :) Not quite the same, but similar. It's a huge relief. The reports in the news aren't too encouraging rn so good to hear that the UK's change in status won't cause me a problem!

I feel a bit strange physically. It could be a cold coming on. It could be Corona of course. I hope not. But if I disappear for a while it's because of that most likely and that my Internet connection is in my office which I can't get into without leaving my apartment which I most likely shouldn't do if I have Corona. 

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Hope67

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #42 on: December 13, 2020, 04:47:54 PM »
Hi Blueberry,
I hope you feel better soon, and I hope you are able to get some rest and recuperate from whatever it is that's making you feel like that.  Fingers crossed that it isn't Coronavirus. 

 :hug: to you.
Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #43 on: December 14, 2020, 05:46:18 PM »
Thank you for your good wishes Hope :hug:  I slept late this morning, so must have needed the rest, and then was able to get up so I think it must have been something psychosomatic. Maybe with a touch of a cold coming. But not Corona. I have been reading up on the differences between colds and the flu so basing on that. I've been out and about today, getting on with the most important things before mega-lockdown on Wed.

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marta1234

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Re: Moving Forwards
« Reply #44 on: December 14, 2020, 06:31:46 PM »
Hey BB, I wanted to pop by and send you my hugs :hug: Iím sorry youíve been feeling ill these past few days, sending you a blanket full of warmth. :)