Moving Forwards

[Libby183]

Dear Blueberry.

So much for you to deal with, and I have no advice, but you are doing so well to just keep going.

I know that feeling. I am mid fifties and feeling about 85 as well.

Take care, Libby.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Libby, validation is enough on its own. Often, I think I need to come up with the way forwards on my own. Part of what my friends have been doing wrong is giving advice where I didn't need it, partly because they cannot understand, and then getting annoyed that I didn't follow it and/or haven't gone the route they envisaged for me.

How my doc and present T haven't got burnout with me and my case is: they're open to what changes I make in my life and what order they come in. So they're not disappointed or frustrated when they don't see certain changes. They don't take it personally either. And they don't miss the changes I am making i.e. they don't miss the wood for the trees. One of the criticisms of the latest friend is the more I heal, the less time I have for her and family and that includes my godson. No kidding. When he was born I was possibly working an hour a day, 4 days a week. Now I'm working 5-6 days a week, except maybe in especially bad weeks. It doesn't seem she can be happy about that, happy for me.  They also lived 5 minutes away on foot. Now it's over 3 hours by train.

At the same time, I feel all mixed up inside, emotionally that is and not like a good or emotionally-healthy person so I don't envisage myself going off to form new friendships atm. Feel more like being on my own atm.
This is all just a rant. Sometimes it's good to get it out of my system.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, what you write resonates so much with me.  As we heal, certain situations and how we show up in them change.  Others may or may not be very accepting of that.  And there is still the underneath stuff.  I keep waiting to feel different inside and sometimes I do but I mostly just feel still messed up.  I am thinking of you and am glad you have supports that honor you. 

[Armadillo]

Aaarrrrgggg! I hope you don't mind me saying?

Your friend sounds kind of selfish? I hear in your posts that your relationship with your godson is very important....and yet it sounds like she is almost abusing that kindness, and guilt tripping you and not looking out for your wellbeing?

I'm sorry if I said too much of the wrong thing. I just...mmm....it feels like you are taking the blame for maybe her issues, and it feels from your description that she almost wants you to not get better yourself because it inconveniences her?

I could have it all wrong. I'm sorry. It sounds hard. 

[Kizzie]

It sounds to like your friend may be guilting you instead of saying what's going on underneath  - that she misses you. She may even be afraid she and her son are losing you.

I wonder if you just said something like - "I'm sorry you and your son are missing me, I miss you both too but I'm working 5-6 days a week now and it's 3 hours by train to see you.  Maybe you could come see me so we can get together a little more?"

It's a softer and more indirect way of reminding her your life has become busy and that instead of laying on guilt she can talk about missing you and you can work together to see what might be done.

[Blueberry]

Your friend sounds kind of selfish? I hear in your posts that your relationship with your godson is very important....and yet it sounds like she is almost abusing that kindness, and guilt tripping you and not looking out for your wellbeing?

I'm sorry if I said too much of the wrong thing. I just...mmm....it feels like you are taking the blame for maybe her issues, and it feels from your description that she almost wants you to not get better yourself because it inconveniences her?

It feels a bit that way to me, Armadillo. So you haven't said anything wrong. I note today that last week seems a looooooong time away. I asked a student today if he was here last week. He was. His lesson is ticked off in my agenda anyway but I don't even remember the lesson or him being here or anything.

[Blueberry]

It sounds to like your friend may be guilting you instead of saying what's going on underneath  - that she misses you. She may even be afraid she and her son are losing you.

I wonder if you just said something like - "I'm sorry you and your son are missing me, I miss you both too but I'm working 5-6 days a week now and it's 3 hours by train to see you.  Maybe you could come see me so we can get together a little more?"

It's a softer and more indirect way of reminding her your life has become busy and that instead of laying on guilt she can talk about missing you and you can work together to see what might be done.

Maybe. Unfortunately I'm not very good at these indirect things. I just feel she's said all these bad things about me and then expects me to move on. Though I'm just beginning to realise how bad all these things are.

In the past she'd lay on the guilt about me not driving because that's quicker. I put up with that because I've been getting it all my life, except of course from people who don't drive either. A few years ago she decided to reduce her ecological footprint by driving less so therefore she wasn't going to come to my town, not even to bring my godson. I found her priorities a little weird. Maybe she doesn't want to visit me anymore. I think maybe I seem like too much of a burden to her. I'm not very good at hospitality, making people feel welcome, having my place cleaned up, at least enough to have people drop by.

She has actually already said she doesn't want to come, she won't have time because she's starting up a business. It feels to me more as if she is guilting me for doing what she intends to start doing: spending more time and energy on her career. I'm not the one who had 3 children. I don't have any. I wouldn't manage. I don't want to pass the abuse on. And although she's not specially happy in her role as mother, housekeeper and do-er of various different freelance work assignments, she and her children can live off her H's good pay. Whereas I have nobody to support me except an unwilling FOO and the state.

She also asked questions about abuse and I'm sorry I answered in detail because a few years later she questioned some of it, like the CSA. I put up with that too, though it hurt. Because I know what happened to me was abuse and I know that you could possibly make the same action without intent and maybe it wouldn't be abuse. But what was done to me was with intent and it was abuse.

She also said once she felt kind of sorry for F (his 'nice guy' approach) to which I said "Don't." But I think it's possible she still does. I don't even want to ask. It feels like betrayal.

I'm thinking these things because she's brought up a whole lot of stuff from the past that she never said was a problem then.

btw I'm meant to have got some important documents in today, but I haven't. Too late today, it's almost 5pm. Idk what's going to happen. It's about my residency status. Sometimes I simply DO NOT DO things I HAVE  TO. Not sure what I'm provoking there. I know I won't be deported. I stayed in bed all day until I had to get up and teach.

My teaching is slipping, especially my adult teaching. Too difficult. I feel like giggling, which is an Inner Teen who feels out of her depth. Needless to say I'm feeling dissociated.

[Armadillo]

 

I hope the dissociation lifts soon.

I hate dissociation. But sadly learned that accepting it makes it leave faster. Rarely fast enough. Do some nice stuff for teenBB

[Kizzie]

I'm so sorry you're feeling bad enough you've had to dissociate BB, I care that you're in that place and I hope you're able to lift out of it soon.  Sending much care and support my friend 

[Not Alone]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you all 

I got those super important documents in about an hour ago. I phoned this morning to say they'd be late and the person I spoke to was OK about it.

When I got back home after dropping off documents, I thought about doing another difficult task involving documents etc but decided to leave it till tomorrow.

Good things: our town is running a Use Your Bike thing for 3 weeks. You sign up and log the distances you cycle from A to B or just for fun. I discovered dropping those documents off and cycling home was 5km. I'd never thought it would be that much. I'm going to try and cycle a little bit every day, even if that means just going for a little ride with no particular destination in the evening.

I managed to teach this morning, by asking the student to do some haiku-like poems. I did some too including one on myself.

I have a little bit more impetus today.

The next-door building put their garbage bins in front of their own building last night instead of in front of my office. Huzzah! They seem to have got the message.

[Kizzie]

Huzzah indeed BB!   

[Armadillo]

Yay BB! You did it! And I'm really happy to hear you gave yourself a break between doing the other important paperwork task.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Kizzie and Armadillo.    A break was necessary. It was good I took it. I had tons of things on my possible To Do list for today but in the end I wasn't able to do most of them. I did fun things instead: some gardening, met up with a friend briefly and went for a little tiny cycle with her.

Then I spent hours on one of those difficult emails. I feel relief now but also anxiety. Any incoming email and I dread checking who it's from, though I have been checking. It's like when I used to dread seeing emails from my parents if I'd sent them some missive, possibly not even a limit but just a query or a response. So I guess the anxiety is more to do with me and less to do with them. Not in the sense of 'Whose fault is it?' but in the sense of 'I could have control over my actions, could learn to not have anxiety.' With time anyway. I keep yawning, which means something is evolving in my feelings.

Spending hours on that email reinforces for me how difficult it is to feel what's going on in my emotions and verbalise it as well. Even though I checked and rechecked and rewrote bits, soon  after I sent it, I realised various things I forgot to write that I'd intended to. Not that speaking would be any easier, in fact it would be way worse.

[Kizzie]

 

I had tons of things on my possible To Do list for today but in the end I wasn't able to do most of them. I did fun things instead: some gardening, met up with a friend briefly and went for a little tiny cycle with her.