Moving Forwards

[Armee]

I'm so excited for you to take that holiday. Get planning! It'll feel amazing and you DESERVE to take a break.

I'm sorry I need to catch up on some reading to find out what happened with your god son's mom but I just ave felt so much selfishness coming from her in what I've read in the past. I hope there's a way to continue a relationship with your GS and not put yourself in any harm's way with your friend.

Your garden sounds amazing and I'm happy you got some time out there today. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee. I guess I'll get planning when the obstacle in the way either becomes clear to me or moves of its own accord.
I don't know if anything new has happened with my 'friend'. More of the same. Me realising what you and others were saying on here - that her behaviour isn't that great towards me. Thanks for caring, Armee

_____________________________
Today I managed to get up and stay up after a good while. Also managed shower and especially hair wash   Also emailed copy of correspondence between me and LL to Tenants' Rights Association. Even though that's to my benefit, I didn't do it till the TRA phoned to remind me. I just felt - Idk - too downtrodden to do it.

Also went into garden for a little bit, did some of my own grazing (little raspberries, green onions) and picked stuff for my FurBabies. I have a free Zoom seminar in a couple of hours on children's literature translation. I signed up just yesterday. I could be preparing for it, but I'm not. Everything feels way too much.

[sanmagic7]

you know, blueberry, from my experience, when everything feels too much, it's because it usually is.  all those things you wrote about accomplishing, well, it's quite a list!  my D and i congratulate each other when we manage a shower nowadays, so here's a congratulation to you as well!     they all count, and ii hope you felt a sense of satisfaction afterwards.  plus, being in the garden - very cool!!! 

i think you're getting progressively more in tune with your body and mind, what they need, what they can deal with, what they can't.  it's all progress, in my eyes.  keep going, blueberry.  i know it can be frustrating at times, but you're doing what you need to do, and i'm really glad for that.  sending love and a warm embrace for all you do and continue to do on your road to becoming a truer you.

[Armee]

Yeah, what San Magic said! 

It's a lot. You've stood up for yourself a lot too lately. I can see why washing the toilet even on your turn would take it out of you too and require some hefty dissociation to get through, especially after the LL's wife never came through. So it is really great that you got up, got your shower in, got out in the garden, and email the TRA. 

And I'm sorry I didn't mean to put pressure on you to plan your vacation. I do hope that block lifts in time, because you deserve something just for you.

Extra hug for today. 

[Blueberry]

you know, blueberry, from my experience, when everything feels too much, it's because it usually is. 

Thank you san, you're right on this one.

Thank you Armee too for commenting. It helps me see how much I've been battling away. No wonder some stuff is simply not getting done. I've booked the cargo bike for tomorrow morning, after wondering whether since Sunday. The stuff I want to cart away has been blocking space in my little storage area for over a year.

for both of you.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope that the cargo bike works well. 
Sending you a hug 
Hope 

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, it did work out with the cargo bike. I had to go quite a distance but it was a lovely day   and I was partially cycling through areas that I haven't been through before. There were lots of flowers blooming beside the roads 

Today I've finally got started on trying to organise some holiday. It looks as if I have a place to stay for 3-4 nights in August. This evening I suddenly realised that I could take off for 2-3 days next week, so I'm trying to find somewhere to stay. If the worst comes to the worst, I could do a couple of day trips from home. But I think and especially feel that it would be better to be away completely for a few days. I'll see. But at least I'm on to it

I had therapy today too where my T repeated how important it is that I state to others what bothers me. Even if the person doesn't do anything about it, it's very important for me that I state it. When I do that, it's self-care, it's taking myself seriously, even if the person I'm saying it to doesn't want to hear it or doesn't agree with it. So, no, I should not be 'shutting up' and putting up with things the way some of my erstwhile friends seem to think. My T acknowledged that there may come a time in a year or two (yes, a year or two) when I've done enough speaking up to decide sometimes that I don't need to speak up. But for the moment I should be speaking up instead of putting up with things. It's an I.Ch. and/or I.Teen who is frightened to speak up or who ducks down and says "I'm not important, just go along with everybody else."  for me moving further along the road to recovery involves speaking out about what bothers me, irrespective of how the recipients may feel about it.

Thank your for cheering me on, Armee

[BeeKeeper]

Hi Blueberry,

for me moving further along the road to recovery involves speaking out about what bothers me, irrespective of how the recipients may feel about it.

This will be strange, tough and sometimes frightening, but the value is solid and empowering. Practice will make perfect, and along the way, you may begin to LIKE it. 

[Armee]

I like what your therapist is advising. 

It is hard to do, and so important.

I can't wait to wish you a happy vacation. 

[Blueberry]

More on the vacation a little later...

rn I've had a struggle with my computer and an account I do have but couldn't get into, couldn't change the password etc. Of course I know I must have been doing something wrong but I couldn't find out what it was. The organisation behind the account isn't out to make my life difficult, but it felt pretty difficult and stressful.

Have to hope I can figure it out before Monday - next lesson for this particular student, or find a different way of video teaching. I wish I weren't so scared. I think being scared makes me forget what's going on. I know somebody else posted a while ago about computer stuff. Maybe it was the frazzle of captchas?

[Blueberry]

Doing the usual before I go away on holiday: nothing. Lying sleeping, dozing, reading. Though I had intended to clean and tidy today.
So when I actually go on Monday it'll be a mad scramble or a spaced-out thing where I wonder why I'm even going. Oh I get it, I'm wondering that already. That's an age-old debate in me. There are parts - probably even the majority - who'd prefer to remain huddled in bed. But there are parts in me who'd like to go away e.g. the 6yo who likes to be out in nature. I was looking forward to my holiday from an Adult point-of-view too.

Yesterday I bumped into 'friend' no.1 and she asked if we couldn't just sit and talk about the situation in the next couple of weeks, so I said yes to that. I realised a couple of hours ago that that whole situation is making me feel uneasy if not downright triggered and that it would be beneficial to slip 'friend' no. 1 into my bank vault today and leave her there until I'm back from my holiday. But I haven't. There is an Accountability thread... That would be being accountable to myself. So would showering and washing my hair.

I'm taking my bike on holiday with me, using it in fact for part of the journey. I can't pack much, which is good.

ETA: I realised just recently that showering is no longer so strenuous. I can do it quickly now. Probably beneficial to remind myself of this and then just ACT - have my shower. It no longer takes so much out of me.

Yesterday and earlier in the week I was watching webinars on different aspects of literary translation. They inspired me but then I suppose ICr. took over with: you'll never manage which is making me feel depressed again. Even though I have been reminding myself to take small steps. One step was watching these webinars. I don't have to act much on them for the moment.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i think you're doing great.  you're making progress, working on continuing self-care in different forms, and giving yourself some time away.  fabulous!!! 

my D had a similar discussion with me last week about speaking up to her friends, especially how hurt and disappointed she was that they didn't show any support for her when she asked for it.  she gave the same reasoning as you, made the decision that she matters, her feelings matter, and her friends may not like to hear it, but tough cookies.  it's so great to me to see both of you not only making this realization, but carrying thru with it.  kudos to you, blueberry!   

i think it's very courageous to go against all you've been taught and believed about yourself, and your 'self', and break those chains that have been holding you back from being authentic.  sending love and a hug full of 'keep going!' 

[Blueberry]

Thank you san

I'm going away today just for a few days. So far I can't really be bothered to get myself organised to go, which includes setting my pets up to leave. A friend will drop by on them a couple of times, but I do have to get them all set up for that.

This is quite typical. I'd prefer just to go back to bed and lie there for days, reading and dozing.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I would like to wish you a relaxing and enjoyable holiday.   
Hope