Moving Forwards

[Snowdrop]

Have a lovely time!

[Armee]

 

I'm proud of you for taking s holidays even though part of you would rather curl up in bed. I hope the change of scenery ends up being calming or fun. And hey, if not, common home where your bed will be waiting for you!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, Snowdrop and Armee

It wasn't easy the whole time but in general I had a good holiday, especially yesterday, the last day.  without the shark - twice in one day.

I overcame various inhibitions and worries and so on. One thing I'm always a little worried about when swimming on my own is: what to do with my valuables?? I don't even have a car to leave them in - though doing that isn't recommended either - and on the shore while you're in the water - risky. Two supervised lake-shore places I was at had lockers and not many people were using them. The other place I swam was such a tiny little bay with almost nobody there that I wasn't worried, just kept an eye on all my stuff from the water. But I had a good feeling so that I really enjoyed my swim too.

The other worry about swimming is where to change?? I grew up in 2 countries that are both more prudish than the one I presently live in. Here people just sort of change wherever and 'normal' people view it as a non-sexual activity. There are undoubtedly people who look in a bad way, in an abusive way, but generally it's acceptable for men and women to change out in the open. One of the supervised lake-shore places had a few changing cubicles There was no big queue because most people don't use them. And otherwise - I just got changed like everybody else. I do find it easier that I'm alone, not in a group of people I know, especially not a group interspersed with men. I felt OK though, no vague dissociation, no EFs of any sort.

I'm proud I got round both those hurdles in different spots because swimming outdoors in nature did me a lot of good   Certainly the most relaxing part of my holiday. Also invigorating. In the very little bay where I was swimming, there were two older ladies when I arrived, both in the water. Sometimes they were out, sometimes they were in. They were no longer slim and all that but it didn't seem to me that that bothered them. That really pleased me. Good for them! I hope to feel better about my body too. They helped me feel not ashamed that day, my final day. Obviously that alone wouldn't have worked because shame sits so deep but it was just an extra little nudge in the direction of: what can I feel other than shame e.g. what can I feel physically - the water lapping against my body, the water carrying my body, a gentle breeze on my face, the sun on my hair and again the water all around, and my limbs moving in the water. And what emotions do I feel (instead of shame)? Joy, pleasure

I didn't take my paper Journal with me, but I wrote quite a bit in it when I got back last night. Touched on many little topics which I won't write here. Just noting though that 3 days can seem long in a good way and it was certainly enough to help me back on track and to help me feel inspired towards a few activities.

[Alter-eg0]

I'm glad to hear you had a good holiday, and that you overcame some inhibitions while you were at it!

Haha, I totally recognise your worries. Going out swimming always seems like such a hassle to me, for those very reasons. Even though the idea of swimming in nature also seems so free and inviting. I was very pleasently surprised when I was on holiday in New Zealand and I found that many beaches/lakes etc did have public facilities like lockers and changing rooms, not to mention public bathrooms on practically every corner. It feels so much more free when you don't need to worry about that practical stuff.

I'm glad that break, however short, helped you to recharge!

[Armee]

I'm so glad you got out and enjoyed your swim!! Trest yourself kind and gentle as you ease back into normal life!

I like what you said about the older ladies not appearing to feel bothered about appearances. I had an important realization reading that.

I live in a town with some serious barbie doll vibes. Lots of eating disorders and obsessive exercising. I feel very bad about myself here...but not enough to do something about it lol. But I go to nearby towns with more normal people and at the beach I love seeing everyone doing their thing and think the imperfect bodies are beautiful and love seeing people flaunting them. It makes me feel braver. So what I realized that's new reading what you wrote is that by being less inhibited myself I can help other people, too. The way those ladies helped you.

[Blueberry]

On Sunday I planned to head up to the farm, and I did eventually but very much later than planned. I feel like 51 going on 75 again. My shoes aren't doing me much good atm, I really need new ones. When my shoes are out of whack and my feet hurt, then I tend to get other problems e.g. sore back and head-ache, tired legs and knees. Or it could be a combination of that and armouring. Atm I notice my lower back and hips are quite stiff.

While still on my holiday I thought it would be a good idea to do even 5 minutes a day of yoga when I got back home. But now I notice the time-frame is difficult. Of course 5 minutes sound totally manageable as in "it must be possible" but 'must' is like 'should' in this sort of case, which is never good for me. So instead I'm trying to notice during the course of the day when simply stretching would be helpful, even if it's just stretching an arm up towards the ceiling, and doing that. So not even - I will stretch both arms and legs, but just: one arm.

While I was away on holiday, I felt pretty stiff too as well as old and slow, until I remembered being told a few years ago that I've obviously found my pace! Other people go on retreats etc etc to find their own pace whereas I already know it! That was the good news. The sad news is that my pace is really pretty slow. But when I remembered last week about already having found my pace, that helped me accept better how slow I felt.

There are 3-4 things going on that could be aiding me in feeling slow and exhausted: 1) email from M (not a breach because I'm VLC but still difficult) 2) 'friend' no. 1 asked if we couldn't sit down and talk about our differences of opinion to which I agreed but I don't know if it's going to be so easy 3) continuing hassle with and being badly treated by LL and business neighbour and
4) I have been patching things up with 'friend' no. 2 but she then came out with a request that makes me feel angry - could she stay with me for 4-5 nights in about a month?  At first I just had sarcastic answers in my head but then I felt deeper into them and anger and annoyance is what comes. All that criticism of me and my attitudes and now when she could do with a place to stay in my town for 4-5 nights in a few weeks, then apparently my attitudes are no longer such a problem?? btw my godson will be staying with me part of that time!! I can't possibly host 2 people at the same time. Even 1 is a bit marginal at least for more than a day or a night but I wanted to do this for my godson. But beyond my godson coming, I feel that this turnaround has come too fast. She dumped a bunch of bad feelings on me which was quite triggering cue EF and exhaustion and me spending a while sorting things out in my thoughts and feelings and now it's as if nothing was ever said?? 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate all you are balancing and managing.  I think it is very cool you are finding ways to move your body that feel right to you.  I hope ease continues to be present for you.   

[Armee]

You're allowed to just say "no, I cannot." No explanation. I'm proud of you for feeling deep and finding the anger that is saying someone is treating you bad.

I like that...."I found my pace"

I'm going to borrow that. (And I always say I'm "25, 30, 35, 40 etc going on 80" and every birthday I'm closer to my true age.

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
Welcome back from your holiday, and I'm glad it went ok.  I related to what you said about pace.  I also found it interesting what you said about doing some yoga.  I've been contemplating trying an app which apparently gives so many repetitions of basic yoga moves, but I've found I'm too anxious/reluctant to download the app to try it. 

Whatever you decide to do regarding your friend who wants to stay - I hope you feel ok with your decision.  When you commented about not being able to host two sets of people (i.e. your godson and your friend) I thought - that sounds reasonable, it does sound too difficult to try to host both, so your friend should also feel that's reasonable if you gave that as your boundary.  Whatever you do, you don't need to explain your decision - as Armee said.

to you Blueberry.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you for all your support rainydiary, Armee and Hope! I have come on before to read your support.

I have turned friend no.2 down. I did explain why, though thank you for saying I didn't need to. My friend / 'friend' had been complaining I had been pushing them away over the past few years or at least that's what it felt like to them so I thought it was a good idea to give a reason. Not being able to host 2 at once and then when she suggested coming a different week I pointed out she has other friends here in this town she could try and that I still need time for the friendship to repair and find where it's going. She finally understood. 

What I didn't say - but felt and my doctor grasped right away too - is that having my godson's mother staying here at the same time as him would alter his stay with me, in a non-good way. I would feel stressed and constrained. I also know that his mother would want to talk about her daytime experiences and I wouldn't have the energy for that.

It IS getting easier for me to stand up for myself in this way. The Tenants' Rights Association has sent a letter to LL criticising his treatment of me, e.g. making an appointment and not coming, not replying to my emails or phone calls and also demanding that LL proves various things to them and writes others by next week, otherwise I'll be deducting money from my rent again, and also that ANY time my business neighbour makes a mess in the toilet again, I'll immediately deduct money from the next rent. This means that LL has got to get business neighbour in check.

Today I taught a 60 minute lesson, though a fairly easy one, had an appointment with my tax accountant to collect 2019's finished stuff and hand in all my papers for 2020. I didn't manage the latter though. I was meant to email the rest during the course of the day but after disposing of a dead rat from the garden straight into bin bag and giving the bag to the garbage collector before he drove off, I went back to bed. I should have disposed of the rat the first time I saw it a couple of days ago, but I didn't. Yuk. Even though I picked it up with a thick wad of newspaper so in no way touched it and washed my hands thoroughly afterwards anyway, I had to disappear to my bed.

This evening I wrote an email to friend no. 1 who is suggesting we talk because writing is so difficult for her. Well maybe we'll talk but not till after my upcoming holiday next week. However I did impart a few home truths in my email for her to think about. I didn't say this in so many words, but if she thinks we can go back to the way things were where she thought she knew more than me about where my recovery is going and how I handle my family, she can have another long think. And we won't be mending the friendship.

I know I am moving forwards but it's pretty exhausting.

[rainydiary]

 Blueberry, I appreciate these updates.  I also can relate to the idea that moving forward is exhausting.  I am grateful to see your examples of things you are doing to take steps forward and taking rest when needed.  It helps me see how I can make a way forward too.   

[CactusFlower]

Glad to see the movement is forward, Blueberry, even if it's exhausting. It does sound like a lot is getting done.  Glad the LL is seeing it your way.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody for commenting, validating and being supportive 

I guess rather a lot is going on. Today was a lovely day but I stayed in bed most of the day though there are 1001 things to do. This coming Tuesday I'm going away on holiday again till the Saturday. So I wondered: Do I somehow need to zone out and not do preparation before I go on holiday? Or is there some other reason?

Yup, some other reason. Gag and choke - there's still a little remains of dead rat that needs to be removed from grass. It's also my turn to clean the business toilet which totally exhausts me, even though it's really clean - business neighbour is so far sticking to the bargain of keeping the seat free of gross stuff. And I ought to be sending remaining documents to tax accountant - the ones that are on my computer rather than on paper. She asked on Thursday when I'd be sending them. "Friday" I said. It's Sunday, 10pm now. Well, that would be an easier thing to start with tonight than any of the cleaning jobs that I'll have to do around 7-8am tomorrow.

By choice I'll have no Internet access on holiday so I won't be on here.

[rainydiary]

I hope your holiday offers what you need.   

[Armee]

Sending you fortitude and hugs to get through those unpleasant and possibly triggering tasks, BB. I'm so happy you'll be on holiday again.