Moving Forwards

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you everybody
I'm back after  holiday with lots of  minus the shark.

It took me till yesterday to finally feel totally joyful and at peace with the world. But before that I did feel happy and invigorated and had a lot of fun.

Checked my emails when I got home and mistakenly read one from conflict-friend no.1. It would have been better to wait a little bit. Anyway that friendship has gone belly up. She wrote among other things that the problem seems to be we have a different definition of friendship. She needs to be able to say what she wants and thinks and not change herself for somebody else even if that hurts that person. She also forgives people e.g. her ex-husband who did PA on her. But if she bumps into him in town, she says 'hello'. Obviously different from me and the way I deal with people who go out of their way to hurt me. I don't actually mean her, I mean actual abusers from past who continue to do so.

She will continue to regard me as a friend and leave the door open in case ... She finds it a pity that the friendship is over.

I don't know if I'm reading something into this that isn't actually there. I mean maybe I'm projecting. In fact probably. But anyway - it feels to me as if we have 2 different visions of friendship and hers is the correct one and mine is wrong. I'm welcome back if I change my mind.

Anyway, I'll leave the topic for a while.
(edited to delete double sentence)

[Blueberry]

I'm calmer than I was yesterday. Also, my ICr has stopped the self-criticism. Stopped with the "I probably really am such a bad person". No, I'm not a bad person. I have a different opinion from two friends obviously about what friendship is and also about their treatment of me.

I see holes in conflict-friend no. 1's arguments but there's no point in telling her that. She says she accepts people for who they are and doesn't try to change them. Apparently blind to the fact that she tries to point me a particular direction in my recovery! Again, no point in saying that, but just know for myself that her treatment of me is not always appropriate. In fact there have been occasions when she was obviously uncomfortable about the way I was talking to someone else and she took it personally in some way, as if she was responsible for my behaviour. But she's not.

There's also the problem that she seems to think she knows more than I do, whether or not she does. So she's looking down on me in a way. Not a friendship of equals. I know there is the theory that one is responsible for one's own actions and I suppose it's true, but I still have a hard time dealing with friends when they blame me for not telling them there was something I objected to at the time of them saying it but somehow not realising that whenever I do object, they counter that rather than accepting. In fact that's how FOO reacts so no wonder it's been a bit difficult the last while.

In fact something this friend wrote reminded me of what B1 said about SIL2 at Horrendous FOO Event no. 2 which was that SIL2 shoots from the hip and is not going to change. The implication was that I had to put up with SIL2's behaviour towards me. This friend says she wears her heart on her sleeve. Actually the local idiom is 'she carries her heart on her tongue' which is more appropriate. It means she speaks her feelings. She's not going to change, she has said so. What she doesn't seem to realise is that she doesn't always give voice to just feelings, she says things that are definitely coming from her head, cognitive stuff.

I think I've been too open with RL people in the past, I need to close up more, become more clam-like because in the end all these people may be well-meaning but they have their own agendas and personality flaws too. There's more to come on the end of this friendship, I mean I'm still ruminating on it from time to time.

There are other things to write though:

LL didn't get back to me on an email I wrote to him Tuesday morning before going on holiday. It seems leaving me in the dark is his modus operandi with me. Before I wrote said email I managed to speak to the Tenants' Rights Association about LL informing me via the other business that the electrician was coming to install a different electric meter so that business neighbour can have the additional electricity he needs (a higher voltage which is only possible via my meter) which will count the amount business neighbour uses but I'll still have to work out the difference between his and mine and hope he pays. I have no reason to trust business neighbour, the way he has treated me up till now. This is all being done behind my back, and it was meant to be fait accompli and then LL was supposedly going to phone me and explain it all. All this relayed via business neighbour and the electrician. Except the day LL was supposedly going to phone me was the day after I left on holiday. So I kicked up a real fuss with business neighbour and the electrician and the meter has not been installed. But I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I said the earliest they could contact me would be 11AM on Monday. No idea if they will stick to that.

Also I'm not looking forward to the possibility of LL, business neighbour and the electrician (who is supposedly business neighbour's BIL) all coming together and ganging up on me. Has happened before between LL and a painter.  To state the obvious, it would be a good idea to do a bunch of grounding and protective imagination exercises tomorrow before I run into any of that bunch. My impulse is to curl up at the thought of the whole thing and my impulse tomorrow is likely to be to stay in bed.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I feel in my heart all you wrote as it mirrors my experiences with friends and situations and dynamics.  I am here with you trying to figure this all out (often curled up in a fetal position on my bed).   

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much for reading and responding, rainydiary. It means a lot, especially that you really get it too. 

[Blueberry]

I was going to post on Three Good Things Today, even though most stuff is from my holiday, but it's getting long so moving it here instead.

1) I managed to get out of the house and go away on holiday for a second time
2) There were no train strikes on my routes to and from holiday despite the warnings that there might be
3) It was really pretty hot, but I can manage heat much better than I used to, so I enjoyed it. Glad it didn't rain in fact.
4) I swam every day, sometimes even twice a day, on every day except the day I left home. Or mostly I just enjoyed moving around in the deep water.
5) Through moving in the water and through cycling, I got in better touch with my body and felt better about it in some ways too. Especially when moving in the water I follow my body's impulses - a dance under water with mostly just my head above water, sometimes a foot too. By the final two swims I was doing elementary back stroke because I had an impulse to do so. Before that, just breast stroke and side stroke. I like elementary back stroke - a powerful movement of arms and legs at the same time, then a rest, then powerful movement again.
6) I could imagine going to the same area on holiday another time and even feel I'd like to. That means I've moved back out of the depression that says "Why bother? What's the point? Can just go back to bed and/or eat".
7) Today I decided to go to the church service after all and sing with the choir. I have a hymn in my head rn. That does me good.
8 ) I also joined in the final day of an insect count, just because I realised I wanted to. So I 'bothered myself' to do it instead of... well, I just realised that action shows I decided to step away from the depression again, as does going to sing in the choir.

[Armee]

Those are three really big, amazing things BB. I'm so happy the depression is lifting to give you some energy and motivation for holidays, hymns, and bug counts. I can't wait to see it continue and to hear what else you do!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee

I didn't manage to write it yesterday but I had a miniscule shift in relation to my eating disorder while I was on holiday and then a shift with my SH yesterday.

The SH is easier to write about. There are myriad reasons behind the SH, as in I grew up using it in all sorts of situations to not feel any or all emotions but also to bring myself back from dissociation. Most unfortunately I don't even need any 'tools', just my fingers. Sometimes I start running my fingers through my hair to soothe myself but at some point I start pulling it out. So yesterday after running my fingers through my hair, I had the impulse to drape my long hair over the back of my head and stroke my hair from the nape of my neck upwards. It was soothing and calming. This morning while still lying in bed I went straight to draping my hair over the back of my head and stroking from the nape of my neck upwards.

It's easier when lying down, as I was on both occasions. I've just now tried it sitting up and it doesn't feel the same. However, just doing it in bed lying down is actually a huge shift in my SH patterns   and probably good to not immediately start forcing myself to find a method for when I'm not lying down, but rather trust that that will come when I'm ready. Yup, that's it. I can feel the inner head nodding.

Eating disorder is harder to write about. What I'm calling a 'miniscule' shift is probably actually a big shift for me at least internally. It might not immediately play out in my eating behaviour.

Need to get something off my chest first - I have the expectation of myself that I change my eating behaviour immediately and for ever more. So that would have been a shift worth writing about, but during my holiday I felt a tiny shift and part of me is seeing this as progress while somebody, undoubtedly ICr (B1 and M both drop by in my head), expects an all-or-nothing shift. As I write this, I realise it's progress that I'm even noticing that ICr is there after all. I wrote yesterday that ICr had stopped with the self-criticism of 'I probably really am a bad person' but I didn't somehow realise that ICr could still be present in a different case. Sounds naive not to realise that, since ICr is a state of mind rather than an actual person who drops by. Or maybe I just didn't want to contemplate that ICr might be there, maybe at a much deeper level, much nearer the childhood pain and I just didn't want to access that at all yesterday. I think it might be the latter actually. So a protective measure.   That's something to embrace and not criticise myself over.

btw those ICr in relation to eating disorder are so virulent that the 12 Step slogans 'Just for Today, Just for 24 Hours' don't help me anymore, though they used to when I was much less in touch with the inner layers of the onion, so to speak.

So the actual eating disorder shift: I realise and see that I really am very fat and I don't want to be this fat. I also don't want to get any fatter. Although I do take moderate exercise, it's not enough for the calories I'm consuming. I can feel a bit more of a willingness to look at this in therapy again which would involve feeling or trying to feel or imagining what emotions I might possibly feel before I start to eat or cook or go food-shopping.

I think it also involves becoming stricter with myself. Strict in order to be kind to myself Maybe the word 'strict' is triggering? An individual word can be for me. Maybe I could find a different way of expressing that so it sounds less strict. There's that word again! The problem is that I'm probably expecting too much of myself at once - there goes my inner head again, nodding. The first step was managing to write about it at all on here and the next step have realisations=further progress, while writing. The next steps will involve feeling or trying to feel or even imagining what I might be feeling. Those steps might take a while - weeks, months even but they are necessary for a permanent shift in eating habits. I don't expect myself to go cold-turkey on my SH any more. I wrote above how huge the shift in the SH pattern is. So try to see this enormity for my eating disorder too.

I know my own pace. It's slow in comparison to what might be expected of an adult. I felt hurried a lot as a child, not allowed my own pace, not allowed time to think and absorb or experiment and learn by simply doing, especially with my hands, with my body. I felt pushed around and in the way I also felt 'jumped on'. Somebody would leap down my throat, correcting, taking things out of my hands, saying 'Let me do that, you're so slow. I can do it better' and probably more in that line though the words haven't come immediately into my head.

So, my own pace. I would like to learn to apply it to bit by bit recovery from my eating disorder too.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I haven't read what you've just written yet, but I hope to read it at a later time - but I did want to come here and just say that I'm glad that you enjoyed your holiday, and that you're back safely.  I also wanted to send you a hug of welcome back 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope for welcoming me back and reminding me how I enjoyed my holiday.   

My last post was very long but it seemed important to write as I was able to process and make realisations while writing. But nobody should feel obliged in any way to read something that long on here.

[Armee]

Definitely. Slow. Not all or nothing. I respect that realization, BB. And coming from a place of love and kindness and providing comfort to yourself, something most of us lacked from caregivers (except Sage! Your mom with the tea and toast!!!).

I also discovered my big baby step that ended up being huge for self harm was finding a soothing substitute. That I could use when I noticed and was able to pause long enough to do the substitute but not to beat myself up for slipping. Mine was rosewater toner on a soft cotton ball for skin/hair SH.

Continue on with the gentle babysteps you've been doing that are not small at all. 

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, BB! I agree, slow and steady sees more lasting change than cold turkey or anything. I'll give an example, but please don't feel it's a suggestion or anything. just my own experience.

Before I moved, I weighed nearly 250 at only 5 feet tall. (haven't gotten any taller, dang it.) I decided to do Weight watchers, BUT! I also very intentionally told myself that it takes time, I refuse to feel guilty over the speed or amount, and just do what I can. The biggest thing there wasn't actually being strict or denying myself. It was changing my thinking to make different food choices, or at least be aware of what my choices meant. I had pizza, ice cream, cake... But rarely, as a real treat, and knowing I might have to make different choices for a SHORT TIE to make up for it. And it worked. By refusing to worry, I lost 50lbs in just over a whole year. Unfortunately, I've gained quite a bit back during the epidemic, but I do know that I have the ability to make those changes again if I want to. And I totally have had "comfort food" since starting therapy, let me tell you. So I get you about getting to the point where you don't want to do it because other people say you need to, even a doctor, but just because you want something different.  And please know that no matter what you do, you are cared for and supported here. This forum is just awesome and I'm glad you're here.

[Blueberry]

Thank you CactusFlower for your validation, support and care

Armee, this is very apt "And coming from a place of love and kindness and providing comfort to yourself" because today I started stroking the top of my head from my forehead over my hair to the back of my head. It provides me with comfort, in fact I start yawning which is a sure sign that it's relaxing me in a good way. Tension is being released. On Aug. 16th, which was just yesterday, I realised and wrote that I couldn't force myself to find a method for when I'm not lying down, but rather trust that an appropriate method will come when I'm ready. And today I was ready An appropriate method came and I'm using it

So far I've avoided attempting to feel what I possibly could be feeling before eating or cooking. I did boil up some potatoes that have been hanging around for a while and I didn't think I 'should' cook up anything else e.g. sauce or vegetables. I just ate the potatoes and I enjoyed them. Another day I can have vegetables. It really makes sense. I'm preparing food only for myself, doing so takes up way more energy than it should (keeping whatever emotions down and positively not feeling them is undoubtedly using up some of the energy) and so why not go back to meals of just one type of food? I did that in the long distant past too. One reason I eat various unhealthy things is that I feel too exhausted to cook, or get exhausted at the thought. For some reason it has been 'OK' (sort of) to buy junk food - easy eat, straight out of the package - but not prepared food so much. Though I do sometimes buy a prepared salad, but often I catch myself thinking: "Oh come on! You can make your own, it's really not that hard" whereas baking for example I haven't done for so long that it actually would be hard. And now :lightbulb: I realise that it's not a question of easy or difficult preparation it's a question of those emotions I've been keeping tamped down.

Things have been moving further in my head and feelings about conflict-friend no. 1. On the one hand it's a good sign that she's leaving the door open for me. With time I might be able to go back to some form of friendship. I think for that to happen I would need to be further along in my recovery and either be totally unconcerned about whatever FOO thinks of me or says to somebody else, meaning not triggered by anything to do with them OR be able to clearly and if necessary forcefully say 'No', 'Mind your own business', set a boundary in a way that gets followed and do so early enough that said friend understands that I mean what I say and accepts it. I think the second possibility is more likely to occur than the first. But it still could take me idk 2 years to get that far.

On the other hand, I'm really annoyed about the blind spots she has and the vibes I'm getting from her that there is nothing she needs to look at in her behaviour and in her attitudes towards me, whereas I think there definitely is. I've heard enough from FOO things like "Oh we don't have any problems, it's just you who does." I really don't need to sense this coming from a friend as well. I could be off in what I'm sensing? interpreting? It could just be a projection or partial projection. But I don't really think so. Learning to trust my feelings

I've been thinking about what san wrote in her Too Many Triggers thread about shame, blame, responsibility. I commented on it too and then got a bit foggy and lost words, thoughts etc. Because I'm not quite far enough in recovery myself to really feel comfortable writing something that I've read on here before but don't quite believe in my heart of hearts either. But I'm getting closer to it now. (Thank you san.)

When somebody is being abusive towards me, even 'minorly' abusive which is possible in conflict-friend's case (though not imho in the cases san has been writing about or in my own FOO), I have the responsibility to attempt to figure out what's going on and to see what my part could be and what I can do about it, but so does the other person!!! As far as I can tell, that's often what's missing. As a child at home, even quite a small child definitely pre-teen, I'd sit there wracking my brains trying to figure out why my parents didn't want me (that's the conclusion I came to based on their behaviour). I was trying to figure out what was going on. They didn't even seem to be aware there was a problem. Even when two relatives and later three of my teachers pointed some things out, there was no attempt on my parents' part to figure out what their contribution to the situation was. If I think back to that poor little 7,8,9,10,11 yo who was me desperately trying to figure things out in a situation that was way too complex for me to understand, then I feel sad   At 10yo I was blamed for these relatives having spoken up How could I be to blame for that?? Anyway, that's dysfunctional families for you.

So, I have the responsibility as an adult to attempt to figure out what my contribution to a conflict situation is, to attempt to act differently and hopefully better the situation, but it's really hard to bring about a change if the other person shrugs and sees me as the whole problem. Or doesn't care. Or doesn't even attempt to look at their stuff. And as Kizzie points out on san's thread (thank you Kizzie), as survivors of post or ongoing trauma we've been taught not to speak up, not to trust our feelings. We never learnt to recognise or fend off abusers (direct quote from Kizzie) because I would say the whole family (or partnership in an adult case) would fall apart if they didn't have their handy scapegoat. Very sadly, tragically really, we don't start out adult life with these skills and learning on top of all those layers of crapola is challenging. Given time and a lot of work - to some degree doable, but challenging.

In the case of both conflict-friends, I feel blame coming at me for not being 'normal', for being 'difficult', for not healing fast enough, and in the case of conflict-friend no.1, for being emotionally immature. But both of them are now siding with FOO to some degree and just not taking on board that it's the result of cptsd that it can take me a long time to stand up for myself etc. And my cptsd is FOO-caused. Even if it's generational which it is on the maternal side and probably in some way on the paternal side too. But still: I'm the one who's looking at it and working on it, not my parents, not my sibs. Me. I then I get this flak from friends/'friends'

Just needed that long rant + vent.

[Armee]

 

You are finding your methods!  I love it.

I was trained to do the same, BB, finding my role in a problem. I think that's a good thing to do. What is less good is deciding to accept all the blame  because the other accepts none..I see you seeing your friend's role and protecting yourself and I'm proud of you.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, once again your process and progress impress me.  your tiny steps sound just right to me.  i've had the experience where i've tried to go for bigger than i can manage, and it only turns to dust, anxiety, and inner disturbance.  i think you are on the exact right path for you. 

as for these conflict friends of yours, i say pooh on them.  you deserve to be treated kindly, gently, and with respect.  i've had too many friends who didn't do that, and happily i've gotten rid of them.  much less stressful without them, and they weren't adding enough to my life in a pos. way to balance it out.  best to you with both of them.  love and hugs, my dear.