Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee and san 
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Two good days in a row

Got a lot done on both days and did some nice things too. When I can get things done, one after another without taking long breaks, it reminds me how far I've come. Good to write that here to remind myself when things are tough again.

I sang in the choir this evening. There were 6 of us, so every person counts. It does me good, that's why I go.

Yesterday I cycled about 25 km to collect a few things and then go home again. I was so surprised at how fast I was zipping along on the way there. The reason was clear on the way home - I had had a tail wind on the way. But still I think my fitness level in general and cycling muscles in particular have improved since my holiday. As I was zipping along, I felt good about my body and that has remained. Even though I had had a tail wind on the way, the message that got through to me was that my body is strong and can propel me for kilometres That is much different from what I usually think about my body and from what I heard throughout childhood and teens and later too - if being fat (which I wasn't) didn't happen to be a point of criticism then it was that I was 'too unfit' and physically weak and basically useless because not as strong as my older B. So it's always good when I can feel strength in my body and feel that my body is more than just 'in the way'.

Today I made small trips by bike - here, there and everywhere. I bought a new second-hand bike a couple of months ago which is slightly different from my previous bike. As I'm getting more and more used to it, I'm getting more enjoyment out of it. It's slightly unusual round here so I get calls like 'Cool bike!' and Iike hearing that. My bike isn't me of course, it's just something I'm using but I much prefer compliments than jeers. There were a lot of jeers in FOO.

I finally started doing some tidying in my apartment and even a little discarding of items. I didn't even have to force myself, it just happened. Of course, forcing myself doesn't work anyway...

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I am glad to read your celebrations and how good you are feeling in your body.   

[Armee]

 

Way to go! You sound FANTASTIC!

[Dante]

Awesome job!  Just getting started is the hardest part (for me at least), so the hardest part is done already!

(I can relate to the comparisons with your older B - that was my M's go to.  For years, I've compared myself to my B, and then to everyone else.  I know M did it to B, because he hates me and I've never done anything to him (that I can recall).  We haven't talked in decades.)

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, besides all the other things you're accomplishing, both physically and mentally, i'm always so glad when i hear you sang with the choir.  that's seemed to be one thing you consistently have enjoyed over the years, so it always makes me smile when i hear that you've sang again.  love it!  keep up the good work - you are riding along a really pos. path, from my perspective.    go you!  love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your validations and for cheering me on 

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I had 3.5 good days in a row, which is nothing to sniff at. This afternoon I got really sleepy but didn't go and lie down for some reason The reason is actually this idea that I should be able to stay awake and push through. Oh, there's that 'should' again.

I noticed an hour or so ago that I wanted to go to bed OR eat chocolate. I did the latter, though a smaller amount than usual. I bought a 50g bar specially rather than 100g. I know I'm trying to avoid feeling though part of what I'm avoiding feeling has come through beneficial, supportive, validating words from 2 other people. That reminds me now that in intensive group therapy I used to cry when somebody supported me, so I suppose there's probably something similar going on here. Idk if some sadness was touched today or something else because I avoided feeling it. My T has been gently trying to get me to feel for a while. In his presence I can mostly stay in the feeling and allow it to be till it evolves into something else, which it does (!) if I allow it to be instead of fighting it.

The validating, supportive words were about my stance vis-à-vis my business neighbour and the electricity problem. The two people involved were at the farm. I was asking one of them about electricity in general but also mentioned how my business neighbour was dealing with me. Their reactions showed me also how invalidating conflict-friends no.1 and no.2 were. Last year conflict-friend no.1 suggested a completely different solution to the dirty toilet one I was dealing with at the time. About her contact to my parents, I told her she was undermining the boundaries I set and now I realise she's been undermining me and my growth in general. It's like FOO mbrs barging in and saying "Let me do this! I'm better than you. You're too slow. You're so dumb"  but done in a different matter. The message was similar though "Your decision isn't correct, you should be doing it the way I would". Conflict-friend no.2 more like "If you had treated your neighbours better before, it wouldn't have happened." Just so like FOO.

I am getting my own back at my business neighbour atm but it is because his way of treating me is abominable. All smiles and compliments when he wants a favour from me, but otherwise used to tell me things like "You don't exist for me" when I wanted him to do things he is required to do according to the rental contract e.g. clean the toilet. I have no trust in him. If there were an amicable way forward where I would be sure not to be at a disadvantage, I might grant the favour, but business neighbour and his third electrician (supposedly his BIL) went behind my back, discussed with LL and tried to install something I hadn't agreed to in that form.

Now I think I understand LL's way of handling, though I don't agree with it. He rakes in the money from rents and does zero for the current tenants. It's fine for him if we all pay our own way if we want something improved or repaired and so long as we agree with each other or the stronger ones in the building force it on others, he doesn't care. He's not getting involved. That does trigger me a little bit back to childhood which is why this has all been very exhausting. But the good thing for now - as opposed to in my childhood - I have won at least a small victory. Business neighbour has noticed that he cannot always push me around. He has presumably also noticed that even if LL says he can do something but then I say "Only if LL does xy for me first", LL doesn't seem to act.

[sanmagic7]

well, i certainly relate to your LL problems from the last house i lived in.  so sorry you have to deal with it - still!  it truly is stressful and exhausting.  wishing you all the best, blueberry.   

[Blueberry]

Thank you, san.
Some people used to suggest I move, but I knew it could all happen somewhere else. What's important for me is speaking up irrespective of what other people think of that. I have had a bit of a victory with my business neighbour, and having figured out that LL doesn't want to get involved makes it somewhat easier actually. It seems, touch wood, that he's not actually going to march in and get an electrician to do anything, he's just going to ignore everything.
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Idk really know what's going on today.  I just feel so lethargic. I think it's depression but idk why. Good things today: (1) I cycled to another town to collect something and got lost, so had quite a long cycle including through areas I haven't cycled through before. (2) Saw flowers   (3) Dragged myself out of the house to go and sing at church again

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Well, I do know some of what's on my mind atm, some of which is maybe contributing to the lethargy. My godson, conflict-friend no. 2's son, is coming next week for 4 days. Instead of  getting prepared for that, which would include lots of cleaning and tidying, I've been playing round upon round of Patience/solitaire, doing SH and roaming around the Internet. I think once my godson is here, it will be fine, we will do things together, he's not his M and can't help what she thinks or said, but atm I feel I'd prefer to be on my own.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I like the sound of your cycling adventure - I enjoy riding my bicycle as you experience things differently.  I often see things I wouldn't have seen otherwise which can be really cool. 

I wish you well as you find through the upcoming visit.  People visiting (or really any big social change like going back to work after a break) does similar things to me. 

[sanmagic7]

i get the anxiety connected to anticipation of an upcoming event.  one day, one step at a time, ok?  you'll get thru this.  we're here for you.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary, I'm relieved you know the feeling. It helps me feel less alone. Sorry you get it too though.
san, it's helpful you tell me you know this as anxiety. Because I didn't know what I was feeling apart from a desire to hide.

I finally got going today with some garden work, long overdue, and watering a friend's plants and flowers earlier in the day. Stayed in bed till noon though. But it's the holidays so that's OK. Instead of feeling annoyed at myself, it's better to say that it's my free time so I can do what I want even if that's lying in bed. The other thing I've been doing a lot of is singing in the choir. I'll be able to do that 3 times this upcoming weekend too. I've never managed to do that much in such a short time before. So that's how I'm spending the school holidays.

Really it was a good step forward that I went away twice and felt that I wanted to explore new places and do so again in the holidays next year too. Kind of the opposite of curling up in bed and having no future plans.

[sanmagic7]

looking forward to more adventures is so wonderful to hear, blueberry.  so very glad for you!  and of course, i'm delighted for you that you are singing again.  way to go!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Actually I've been curled up all weekend, dreaming of FOO (not good) and definitely NOT getting prepared for my godson to visit. I didn't go to sing once, never mind 3 times.

Idk what's up with me, I really don't.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I am thinking of you as you navigate this weekend and week. 

[sanmagic7]