Moving Forwards

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I hope you are safe and sound following the storm.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

 



Thinking about you Blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thanks everybody 

So, back in the library. Those few days of high energy and the ability to use it for me and my plans are both over. On Tues I was at my doc's and he reminded me with a question that that might happen. I'm grateful he reminded me.

Today I managed to stay up during the morning instead of going back to bed I went down into the garden and removed frost covering from some flowers which are still budding and blooming. I cut some of them and brought them in for vases in both office and apartment. Then did a few other things, can't even remember what. But in the afternoon I succumbed again - back to bed. I slept a few hours with somewhat crazy dreams, in a disturbing way of course. Processing stuff though so all to the good.

There was an attempt to re-install phone/Internet on Tues but it didn't work. They needed a loooong ladder but didn't have one and nor do I. It may also take quite a while to set it up again. I'll keep checking back on here but only briefly skimming some other posts and not responding much because there are other things I need to research online on library Internet. 

[sanmagic7]

   do what you need to do, blueberry

[Armee]

 

[Blueberry]

Finally! Internet and telephone are working again

[sanmagic7]

 

[Armee]

Hooray! That was a long time! Take it easy on yourself as you catch up with life.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, that's a good reminder to go easy on myself. I was at therapy today. I was actually meant to go the day of the windstorm but that didn't pan out because I was too worried to get the train, and then I couldn't do a video appointment either. "So" my T remarked this morning "you've been going through a difficult period?". Yes you could say so. But actually his comment/question was helpful because it - What's the word I'm looking for? - it was validating and I don't always get that from Ts or anybody else, at least about things being difficult. My T is otherwise very validating. But then I've been going through these other non-validating situations, very non-validating. e.g. with those ex-friends and with LL about business neighbour and so on.

What I managed to feel and express in T is anger. Anger towards FOO and towards those ex-friends. My T explained how much it made sense for me to ignore and/or belittle my own emotions in FOO in the far distant past because expressing them in any way or even mentioning them brought verbal and intellectual and emotional abuse from parents and physical from B1. So of course it was better to hide them, swallow them down or just not feel them at all. Now as I'm beginning to really move out of that, well, it's like the Empire Strikes Back when I try. But it makes sense to stick at it, even in small steps, baby steps, tiny steps but keep going. And keep feeling physically and emotionally what's going on.

Today in T, the physical reactions and impulses came first as they usually do. After that I can try and feel the emotion(s) behind them or if that's really too difficult, imagine what emotion I might possibly be feeling. Today it was clear though: anger. Anger towards parents, anger towards those ex-friends, anger towards the men in the club I'm in who brush me aside either because I'm me or because I'm a woman. Or more likely because of both.

Another thing I've realised before came up again: I spent months, years even building up resiliency and even activities that give my joy, give me the will to live and maybe a reason to. It was a lot of work to get to the point where singing in the choir is helpful, and that wasn't just work on my voice and on my ear - it was emotional/psychological as well. Choir is just one example, there are others too. I notice now how much work went into showering and hair-washing - just keeping going with that semi-regularly - I notice now because it doesn't take so long anymore and doesn't take up so much energy. It used to take a lot longer because I can't really say but the point is, it did.

A long while ago - mind blanked out. What did I want to write?? Hmm. Maybe it will come back, in fact it probably will.

I more or less took a break from the forum for the 3 weeks minus a day that I was without W-LAN. At first it seemed a Good Thing giving me more time to Get On With Things but latterly I went back to playing multiple rounds of Patience/Solitaire, going back to bed etc with that time/energy, where honestly I think it would have been more useful for me to read and write on here. So now I understand that breaks from here aren't necessarily the most useful for me though they might well be for other mbrs. This forum is one of my Tools, a place that gives me energy and the validation I so badly need just in order to Keep Going and not give up. I do feel what's good for me.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I am glad for your update.  I enjoy having you here in this community.

[Blueberry]

A long while ago - mind blanked out. What did I want to write?? Hmm. Maybe it will come back, in fact it probably will.

Ha! Now I remember! A while ago on this forum all I could write was "Thanks FOO" facetiously or sarcastically or something. I wasn't able to think or say that I was angry. Today while writing that "Thanks FOO" briefly crossed my mind, but it's weak. The anger I feel towards FOO especially my parents from my childhood/adolescence and to my sibs and one SIL plus parents from not that long ago is much stronger! I am angry that my parents abused me so badly growing up that I even had to do therapy to reach und use my strengths, so to have something to fall back on other than Bad Stuff to help me deal with the trauma. Yup, they abused me so badly I had to actually work at finding the non-traumatised or not-so-badly-traumatised small Inner Children in me, the small Inner Children who were still holding onto strengths like creativity and playfulness but also independence, fearlessness, ability to go-it-alone and ability to draw strength and safety from animals. I had to work at it in therapy, for years. I am so angry at anybody who wants to deny how bad things were (except at myself because denying it was a survival mechanism). But anybody else who wants to deny it: parents themselves, other FOO mbrs, people I thought were friends... I am so angry at this audacity. That includes denial in the here and now about stuff going on now, whether from FOO or what's going on in the bike club or this building I live in or one ex-friend supporting another ex-friend in her non-validating treatment of me despite my explanation of what's going on. I am angry. And I am saying "No! No way! I'm not putting up with this maltreatment of me anymore. No matter how many once-good-but-no-longer friendships fall apart."

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary. I enjoy having you here in this community too. I really appreciate your thoughtful and succinct comments.

[Armee]

 

YES!!!!

That anger is strength! And self-protecting! All those people, including what is happening right now in your life, have earned that anger you feel toward their treatment of you. I am so happy for you that you can freely feel that anger outwardly.

[Papa Coco]

You Go, Blueberry! 

That anger is you taking back your power. Feeling it today is a blessing!

I once heard someone say that the single most powerful word in all the world is "NO!"  In the case of finally finding our anger against our abusers, I say NO MORE taking other people's mistreatment and making excuses for why I was okay with it. I'm NOT okay with it. Not anymore. You're NOT okay with it either. Our "protectors" and our "friends" hurt us because we were vulnerable. That is NOT Okay!

I got chills reading your post. The fact that your anger is manifesting itself as anger now is a huge accomplishment. You've crossed a beautiful milestone on your healing journey. Too many of us CPTSD Fawn types don't allow our anger to rise up. We have a million little reasons. Many of us were taught never to be angry. Many of us are terrified of our own anger! We're afraid if we express anger we'll hurt someone. Or we'll be punished. Or we'll be abandoned. (The fear of annihilation). Too many of us go on and on for decades suppressing our right to healthy, powerful anger.

The thing about suppressed anger is that it still comes out but disguised as Self-Loathing, or Dissociative Trances, or Addiction, or Self-harm.

My therapist is always reminding me that when I go into a dissociative trance, I'm stifling anger. I used to be offended. Me? Angry? No! I'm Mr. Nice Guy! I forgive everyone for everything. I'm proud to be such a gentle soul. Anger is bad--forgiveness is good.  Right?

HA! I was doing myself no favors by not recognizing my own anger and letting it do its job, which is to protect me from bullies.

I eventually found my anger, like you've just done. It's delicious! My dissociative trances are fewer and farther between now because I finally admitted publicly how ANGRY I REALLY AM at the people who imprisoned me inside my own head for 40 years. They took my joy of life away from me for no reason at all except that they could. They were BULLIES!  My family. My church. My classmates. Jealous, mean BULLIES! 

Whew!  A little anger, when appropriately aimed at those who deserve it, feels goooooood.

Thanks for sharing your anger with us today. I like it. It feels right. It feels justified! It feels like a big leap on the healing journey. Congratulations on reaching it.