Moving Forwards

[Not Alone]

Yahoo, Blueberry.  Good for you feeling and expressing your anger. And  at your FOO and "friends."

What I managed to feel and express in T is anger. Anger towards FOO and towards those ex-friends. My T explained how much it made sense for me to ignore and/or belittle my own emotions in FOO in the far distant past because expressing them in any way or even mentioning them brought verbal and intellectual and emotional abuse from parents and physical from B1. So of course it was better to hide them, swallow them down or just not feel them at all. Now as I'm beginning to really move out of that, well, it's like the Empire Strikes Back when I try. But it makes sense to stick at it, even in small steps, baby steps, tiny steps but keep going. And keep feeling physically and emotionally what's going on.

Yes. Now that you are safe and have support, it is safe to take those baby steps to feel things physically and emotionally. Also, in the time that I've been a part of OOTS, I've seen you take so many baby steps, and sometimes giant steps, that you have travelled quite a long distance. 

[Snowdrop]

Well done Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Snowdrop, Not Alone, Papa Coco and once again Armee!   

Yesterday evening I took one step and have since received a really validating response. But went back to bed anyway. The one step was finally, finally contacting the Woman's Regional Support Network of a national bike club where I now feel very marginalised and discriminated against by the men in our local branch. As my T said yesterday, that seems to have brought up a whole load of other stuff and it has. My T encouraged me to contact this support network. So I did

I had been deep-down worried about basically being criticised by the support network about what happened to me locally being 'my fault anyway' and I 'should have' done xyz instead then it wouldn't have happened etc. The kind of thing I've been hearing in one way or another from those ex-friends and of course for years from FOO. It's your fault B1 hits you. If you didn't react to his teasing, baiting, nastiness, he wouldn't. That is a summary in my own words because of course B1's behaviour towards me was not seen as 'nasty' by FOO.

Sometimes when people support me unexpectedly, that sends me for a loop as well, so that's how I feel about the response from the one woman in the support network. There are already 70 women on the mailing list and she's going to add me to it.

As I wrote above, my T encouraged me because in his opinion the network will have been set up and joined by women who have experienced similar to me at their local level. When I think about the size of this association regionally, 70 women is really a lot. The other huge thing, totally unexpected for me, is the woman who wrote to me suggested I phone her and we talk about the situation. Wow. I had written that I had been intending to write that email for a while and not managing. But still wow. But then that niggling little voice comes (oh my ICr. of course) saying "you're having trouble writing because of all your psycho problems." Good to write that down since doing it on here - a safe space if ever there was one - allows for an image of B1 to drop by. So that's one instance of the Empire Strikes Back that I mentioned above. I will say for and to myself - it's understandable I went back to bed for a while. That's a lot to deal with on top of everything else that has been going on this year and even last year and still not completely resolved. So I'm thinking now of Armee suggesting I take it easy with things after getting my Internet and phone connections back. Thank you Armee, a really valid, apt and helpful suggestion.

[sanmagic7]

once again, blueberry, you are moving mountains, even if only an inch at a time, but still.  well done  for contacting that women's group.  and, i get it about going to bed after a positive response - i've had to take a step or three back at times of a positive response myself.  too many times, after not being  cared for by others, a caring response from someone can be earth-shaking (or so it might feel).  I'm so glad your T encouraged it and you followed thru. 

i echo armee on continuing to take it easy.  having so much 'stuff' take place, one after another, can be draining, and we need some time to recharge our batteries.  love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

Thank you san so much! It's good to get your reminder on taking it slowly Atm there's so much going on internally  - lots of stuff from this year and last isn't really over and integrated yet My response to the bike club locally was basically the last straw for me whenever it was - summer/early fall idk exactly. But I'm glad I spoke up in my way because I just couldn't continue putting up with all that crapola. I haven't managed to write an email to either ex-friend, though how they are acting as if everything can go back to normal and/or there never was a problem except my being 'busy' so one of ex-friends would like to pay me for looking after her furbabies  No No No.

The longer I don't write uneqivocally what I think and that I'm angry, the more I'll just keep going back to bed and not getting anything done.

Add to that - it really looks like I'll need to look for a new place to live and to work, probably separately Although I do live in a country with fairly good laws for protecting tenants, still I can hardly work for thinking of what all I 'should' be doing. Having said that, I will have quite a number of months to start looking and get myself on waiting lists for social housing etc. 

[sanmagic7]

good for you, blueberry, for recognizing your boundaries, what's acceptable to allow into your life and what isn't, no matter who it entails.  very proud of you! 

after all the problems you've had where you're living and working now, it sounds like there might be a sense of fresh air, fresh start if you move.  big step, big decision, but i fully understand and wholly support you.  you go!  keep taking care of you, ok?  you so deserve it.  love and hugs, my dear

[Blueberry]

Oh, you're right san, having to look for a new place or separate new places (home and office) is likely to have a lot of plus points as well as drawbacks. I know you're 'supposed to' know what you're looking for in a partner e.g. when you check the Personals or write your own. Not that I've looked in those seriously for at least 15 years... Anyway I never would have known what to write and I still don't. But on looking for a new place to live and/or work I do have pretty firm ideas on what I need, what I would love to have but maybe won't be able to, but can maybe find elsewhere. I also know that if I move out of the centre of town, which I will probably have to, I'm likely to be able to move into a slightly more modern building where the lay-out is, well, vaguely modern, e.g. little entrance way and rooms going off that, rather than step straight into apartment and all rooms interconnected and anybody who needs to go to the bathroom has to go through my bedroom. Things like that. When I finally take the time to sit down and write pros and cons and what I would concretely like to find in a new place or new places, then I think that will help give me the energy necessary to get going on it.

san, I've been thinking about all your moves and how tough they were but also how hard it was on both you and your d, what you had to put up with from ex LL and also from that woman whose boarding house you were in.   I had been thinking of reading back some of what you were writing of your experiences, and also thinking back to what I was thinking when I read your posts - basically that much as you loved the area you lived in with easy access to the ocean iirc what you were putting up with day-to-day would be good to get out of and maybe you could take the ocean with you in your imagination, like our Healing Porch... Well, same for me now about the garden/yard.

___________
Atm I feel really topsy-turvy and am really confused and forgetful. What I think would be best for me tomorrow, so I'm writing it here to make it more likely that I will actually carry it out is: go up to the farm in the morning and do some particular work that is grounding for me and then come back home in the afternoon and go to evening church service where choir members are wanted for singing. The latter does me good, so 'go do it' I say gently to myself. My farm work is grounding and pretty repetitive - pre-washing deposit lids from deposit jars used at the market and heaving plastic containers around. As topsy-turvy as I feel atm I'm likely to do some of it in the wrong order, making myself more work as I go, but it doesn't actually matter. Because as soon as I just can't be bothered anymore, I can either take a break or come back home for good. I can't stay till Mon AM this week so actually those who need those lids on Mon AM will be super-happy that somebody - me - got a headstart on the job.

Doing those lids and then singing in the choir are two things that will help me stay out of bed, get re-grounded, find joy and purpose in life, and ultimately feel stronger and more able to tackle a bunch of stuff I 'should' be tackling but am not. So far. Although this evening I did write an email response to the woman's support network I mentioned and also signed up for a kind of video conference run by the bike club where there are 2 sessions of woman's support network I can join in on, as well as other sessions would interest me. That's an important step for me because it's the opposite of pulling back.

Now, having picked up a bit of strength from OOTS - thanks everybody for this validating, energy-giving space - I will maybe go tackle one or two of those outstanding emails to ex-friends.

[Blueberry]

Now, having picked up a bit of strength from OOTS - thanks everybody for this validating, energy-giving space - I will maybe go tackle one or two of those outstanding emails to ex-friends.

Done. One anyway. The furbaby-sitting ex-friend. Took more time and energy than I really wanted it to. Got longer than I'd intended as well. Spending longer on it and re-writing bits and so on helped me actually feel my anger and annoyance and not just write that I feel anger where a few years ago I felt hurt and sad. I'm still kind of sad that the friendship is over, but it is also irrevocably over because friendship according to her definition was keeping me small, dependent, hurt and incapable of setting and enforcing limits to FOO and to this ex-friend herself and certainly discouraging me from setting limits and unequivocally saying NO in the here and now to other people.

Writing to someone who used to be close to me about the anger I feel towards them as well as feeling the anger intermittently while I'm doing it - big progress No SH. Felt really well-grounded.

[Snowdrop]

  and

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

your thought about taking the garden with you sounds great.  i thought about that as well for you.  i did manage to transplant a few specimens from the front yard of the house we lived in, and they're now on the balcony.  at least 2 have continued to live, we'll see what happens in the spring to the others.  as for the ocean, there was a day while we were here when i saw a couple seagulls flying around (we're an hour and a half from the ocean now), and that brought the ocean back to me.  so, yeah. 

and i think things like lids and choir singing, even tho some might think they're quite small things, can be very grounding (along w/ gardening).  i do have days where i just do chores around the house cuz the mess in my head can relax while i'm working with my hands.  and, dang, my dear, all that work toward your former friend.  i loved reading how you could pinpoint all the ways that friendship was unbalanced and therefore unhealthy for you.  way to go!

sending love and hugs filled with more more more of grounding, setting boundaries, and self-care.   

[Blueberry]

In the end I did neither thing I'd intended. I lay in bed all day dozing, dreaming really weird things, waking up to read for a while and falling asleep again. I will just accept that that was what I needed. It was a really big thing writing to ex-furbaby-sitting friend and giving my view. It's OK to take a step back and lie in bed. At least I also made a large mug of tea for myself and drank it. And fed my furbabies.

[Armee]

 

[Not Alone]

I love how you are being kind to yourself. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Not Alone. Being kind to myself doesn't come easy.

Finally finished some proofreading I was doing, bit by bit, with lots of breaks including coming on here. Just noting for myself how inconsistent I tend to be. I start out marking some changes yellow and then other ones red but there isn't always a clear rhyme or reason to it, at least not for the person I'm proofreading for. So then I end up adding comments etc. So it's all more time-consuming. But, that's just what my brain is like today. Mush.

Dreading a reaction from ex-furbaby-sitting friend. The friendship did include a lot more than just mutual petsitting btw. Just have to keep reminding myself that I really tried to maintain the friendship but she did not want to modify any of her reactions or even look at them really. So if she now feels sad or attacked or who knows, then that's her deal. 

Today I had a doc appointment about 15km away. I got the train but took my bike because I was so late I didn't have time to lock it up at the station. So in the end I cycled home, which was good because I needed to be out in the fresh air and also getting some exercise. That had been part of the plan on Sunday with going up to the farm, so done on Monday instead.

I have new impulses for using up various things, selling or giving away others, throwing others out. And put still others of the warm, soft and fuzzy type in with my furbabies. e.g. old woollen gloves I won't actually get round to mending again and/or have new gloves since anyway. That's all been spurred on by idea of needing to move 'sometime'. It might even take me a year to do so. I have to give 3 months' notice, among other things. Would also prefer to wait till after the winter etc. Would be nice for me to declutter before I even have to move, just to make my surroundings nicer for myself!

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, the part of your post about decluttering stood out to me today as I am in that process as I prepare for a move.  I will be thinking of you as you go through that process.