Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you too, rainydiary, in your de-cluttering process. Today I'm actually moving on other things. Though at least I did a little tidying and cleaning in my kitchen, which makes things feel less cluttered. Even if I didn't throw anything spectacular out.

[sanmagic7]

every step is progress, blueberry, right?  even the small ones.  well done on doing some cleaning.  that can be something big for me.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you, san, you're right . Every little step is progress. Also every time I get back on my feet I am at least not going backwards. Or shall we say every time I get back on my feet I'm setting the scene for some further progress or just for following through with something already planned.

What I'm continuing on with atm is accepting support from the women's network. The woman I've been dealing with suggested she summarises my case, turns it anonymous and speaks about it on one of the women's network sessions at a conference the weekend after next. I had a think about this proposal and then decided - Go for it!

What I've said up to now is not the 150% truth with no details missing. Yeah, you read that right, in FOO claims of verbal/psychological/emotional maltreatment, bullying etc done to me had to be explained and backed up 150% as if I was some kind of lawyer. I've decided that's not always the case in the here and now. The woman I have been speaking to thinks the way I have been treated in the local group is unfortunately not unique to my group, so it would be helpful for other women to hear of it. A bit the way accounts of our past and present problems are helpful and validating here on OOTS. So despite the naysayings of ICr., I've accepted the proposal and hope she goes through with it. I'm accepting her help! That stuff with ll, business neighbour, ex-friends, FOO - all that stuff involves me making bit-by-bit steps which often floor me. The outside help has mostly been given already, I need to implement it bit-by-bit, and I'm doing so. This other thing getting sort-of outside help for the bike club is new.  for me being able to accept help, i.e. be able to trust, quite quickly.

[sanmagic7]

oh, blueberry, i'm so glad for you in so many ways.  i loved seeing your 'Go for it' attitude, and i think it's wonderful to allow your story to be put out there.  i believe it will be helpful and validating for others.  well done, you!     such wonderful strides you're making.  and, i get it about the 150% explanation thing.  i've had that same anvil on my shoulders, and my posture for most of my life was a result of it.  the body keeps the score.  such goodies to wallow in brings a smile to my face.  and my heart.  very happy for you, my dear.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Your bit by bit steps have been huge and several. You are doing amazing work Blueberry. 

[Snowdrop]

That's great, Blueberry. Well done!

[Blueberry]

Thank you san, Armee and Snowdrop for your praise and validation.  That's always helpful.

Today I did get up late probably because of the amount of stuff on my Could do list but since then I've been working steadily on tidying, cleaning, throwing things out and running a few local errands. Late last night I repurposed a few items. They will be thrown out eventually but before that happens I can use them for something else. I often have trouble with throwing out and/or repurposing things that were a present from a FOO mbr or a good friend, even if I haven't used the item for years. I repurposed at least one of those yesterday

I realise atm that my professional work needs to mostly go on the back-burner for the next little while. Psychologically, contacting the bike club and agreeing to use my case next weekend at the online conference combined with having been brave enough to write to ex-friend no. 1 are enough! I need to do tasks that are more physical in nature. Presumably partially to get better grounded and partially because emotional work really taxes my brain so I need to rest it, but not really by sleeping or lying down, beyond a normal night's sleep.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, kudos to you for taking that step in repurposing one item you've been hanging onto.  well done!

i relate to the idea that sometimes our brains need to rest, and that's when doing tasks and chores, physical things, can help a lot.  they ground me, too.  you're showing a lot of self-care here and i applaud you for it.   love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I appreciate you sharing how movement and physical activity is supportive.  I find that too and it is helpful to read your experience. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary. I appreciate you being able to relate. I think we might have different definitions of physical activity though   You trained for and ran a marathon, right? My grounding physical activity includes things like racing around the apartment from room to room tidying and looking for things etc. Last year some time I tried to not do that, thinking it would be 'normal' and more efficient to stay in one room and tidy but it turned out that I actually need the racing around sometimes, that's why I tidy that way    Long ago in therapy I learned that left-right movements, which may include walking on the spot or rushing from room to room, can help you reground so maybe doing little tasks with my hands is similar?

Or it might be doing a little weeding. Depending on how well-grounded I am or not will show up in how I weed. If I pick a weed here and another there and a third 2 feet away, I'm pretty ungrounded. If I clear a small space all in one place, I'm much better grounded. (Up till about maybe 8-10 years ago I wasn't able to do that at all, ever!) Or it might be washing the dishes - physical activity for my hands plus also the physical sensation of the water on my hands. Or it might be cleaning 'my' machine and scrubbing lids up at the farm, where I was yesterday. Sometimes I can't move at all, just cower in bed. So sometimes even minor physical movement is difficult or even triggering. I've known all this for a long time but couldn't put it into words. Now I have done. For me that's a step - being able to verbalise without retriggering myself and/or ending up brain-fogged.

Anyway, I actually came on to write that I'm sort of gearing up to ask my LL for new, better windows in my office because it has become very loud out front and when he starts renovating the attic next year, it will be even louder just with builders constantly parking out front and yelling to each other etc. (It used to be quieter because it is a pedestrian precinct so vehicular traffic only at specific times of day and because no neighbouring business stood outside half the day chatting loudly with friends and tradesmen - my windows are so bad I hear all that). Even if I do move, it might not be right away so it's worth asking.

I feel fairly strong today and anchored in my present-day Adult but still note how much I dread approaching LL about it. In person is the only way I could possibly get through to him. I'd better do it soon in case we go back down into lockdown, which is a distinct possibility. I didn't feel my energy drifting away exactly while pondering. It was more that I realised summoning up the courage and dealing my the aftermath in my emotions would rule out any other kind of project for about a week. I'd be back to absolute minimal work and tasks, business and private.

[Armee]

Hi Blueberry. 

I really admire how well you know yourself and the amount of time you'll need to recover from asking your LL for what you need.

[sanmagic7]

good luck w/ your LL.  i know it's been a struggle for a long time for you.  i hope you get what you need.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Needless to say I didn't get out of bed till noon. That's what a plan of going to LL does to me. And even when I finally did get up I didn't do anything too too useful though at least not destructive either. In fact there are quite a few pretty difficult tasks under my Could list today. No wonder I stayed in bed. Well, then it's back to the old: what's the easiest beneficial activity I can do? Even if that's folding laundry or washing dishes. It still all helps.

[Armee]

Not being destructive when under that kind of stress is a big deal. It sounds wise to have stayed in bed...an accomplishment of sorts...to have stayed there.

And yet, I can feel how much that just sucks. To have a legitimate need to ask something of someone (someone with a history of being awful) and have the repercussion of the thought of such a conversation to be having to lay in bed and not get done what you want to get done.

Does it feel like standing up for yourself is getting easier each time? Fewer, shorter repercussions?

[sanmagic7]

Not being destructive when under than kind of stress is a big deal. It sounds wise to have stayed in bed...an accomplishment of sorts...to have stayed there.

And yet, I can feel how much that just sucks. To have a legitimate need to ask something of someone (someone with a history of being awful) and have the repercussion of the thought of such a conversation to be having to lay in bed and not get done what you want to get done

i quite agree with armee.  it sounds to me that staying in bed at these times is best for you, therefore, a form of self-care.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs, blueberry.