Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Quite frankly, I'd be relieved if my afternoon student cancelled. But she hasn't. Probably better to push through with it than not.

[Armee]

Just a friendly reminder that giving yourself redt when you need rest is doing something constructive. 

I'm sorry it's been a rough time and that the hair pulling has been needed. Good job feeling the despair depression and fear. Maybe anger is hiding out there? When I think of my sh it's either feeling trapped, or anger that can't be expressed in a way that resolves anything.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I think you've been through a lot in the recent weeks, as you've been negotiating your relationships with various friends, and I just wanted to say that I admire your ability to look at those things.   

When you wished that your student might cancel, I was disappointed that she had indeed decided to arrive - and so I hope that your session with her was ok, and that you've been able to relax afterwards and re-charge your energy levels.  Or whatever you wanted to do.

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both Armee and Hope.    What you write is helpful. Thank you for your care.

I was at my doc's today. On hearing how bad my self-care is, he suggested inpatient treatment. I'm really lucky to live in a country where the state medical insurance provides this. Not that I've said "Yippee sign me up!" but I certainly could do with more therapy than once every 4-6 weeks. Of course I should be able to rally my energy and all the Tools I have and do those helpful steps to get back on track but I'm not doing so. As I said to my doc, I'm not even looking after my furbabies properly. Always a very bad sign. I should be able to but once more I find I can't. I'm back to things like doing laundry and then not hanging it up.

I realised today on a deeper level what the betrayal is, from both those ex-friends. Realisations tend to throw me for a loop. No wonder the year's been really difficult. Two besties where I felt this is almost like FOC have turned out to be supporting FOO in their head, feelings or even actions. One doesn't see anything wrong with it, the other doesn't even see what she's doing.

Partly I'd be frightened going inpatient to then hear dumb remarks from either therapists or fellow patients. I won't list any 'dumb remarks' but let's just say that those are the sort of things ICr. would say and the last thing I need is people who are meant to be helping me jumping in with ICr. Anyway, I have T on Thurs. and my psych doc tomorrow with whom I can discuss that kind of stuff. Going inpatient would probably be more about restabilising so that I have the wherewithal to take those actual steps at home.

[Snowdrop]

I can understand why those betrayals had such a deep impact. I would have found it very destabilising.

Whether you go inpatient or not, I hope you get whatever is best for you.

[Armee]

 

Hugs to you Blueberry. I'm glad your doc is looking out for you.

Uh oh though. I don't mean to minimize your self-care difficulties but folding and hanging up and putting away clothes hasn't happened here for a couple weeks. The clothes just live in live in pike. 

[Blueberry]

Armee, it depends on whether those clothes are still lying clean but wet in the washing machine and liable to go mouldy and need to be re-washed or whether they're clean and dry in a pile somewhere 

Thank you Snowdrop. I've just been watching one of the Trauma Super Conference sessions on "The Science of Stuck" and it was really helpful. I even laughed a few times in self-recognition. Spontaneous laughter is good for getting a bit unstuck ime.

Now, I don't think I call myself 'lazy' anymore but I do call myself 'unmotivated'. In this session I learned that it's not true. My body is what takes over during trauma responses and my body is motivated to survive, which in this case means protecting me by not doing.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, I'm glad you found a presentation that offered you perspective and language to understand your experience.

[Armee]

I'm guilty of both, Blueberry!

But I'm not questioning your assessment of the severity of your symptoms and neglect of tasks. Just noting I fail on many measures and haven't reply thought of it as neglecting self-care. Come to think of it though i rarely drink water, am lazy about food prep and cleaning, and have nail polish that has been wearing off for weeks.

[Blueberry]

Today I found out that somebody whose healing workshops I took part in for a long time died in the summer. I'm sad, grieving. The good thing is that I obviously can feel sad so long as it's not overwhelming / outside my window of tolerance which all this stuff with my no-longer-friends is.  For me it comes as a relief - I can feel emotion!

[Not Alone]

Sorry to hear about the death of someone you knew.

Thinking of you and your decision about inpatient treatment.

Now, I don't think I call myself 'lazy' anymore but I do call myself 'unmotivated'. In this session I learned that it's not true. My body is what takes over during trauma responses and my body is motivated to survive, which in this case means protecting me by not doing.

That is helpful. I'm getting through work and other responsibilities, but when I am home in the evening I usually don't do anything. I don't have anything left in me.

[Armee]

I'm sorry for your loss BB and totally get what you mean about a relief to feel emotions.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone and Armee for your compassion