Moving Forwards

[Bluegem]

Blueberry I am so happy that things seem to be moving forward for you in the last few days, 
your comments on your friends singing and your thoughts about it struck a chord (haha) with me, I sometimes feel so stuck &  am afraid to try anything new as my FOO's negative comments immediately appear before I even start.
My OH bought me a piano for my birthday & I am really glad to say I am enjoying it although I play 'quietly' & alone or become really self conscious.

I feel the pain of unsupportive  & deeply critical FOO's. It can be so hard to stop hearing the voices. I was never encouraged to do anything, no birthday parties, trips to zoo's ( or anywhere else) no hobbies etc, There was only their wants nothing else.

Good luck with your application you can do this , you have done so much already.

I wanted to write a longer reply but I will do this tomorrow now.
Sending you some positive thoughts to help with your application   

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much for your supportive comments, Bluegem. I'm so sorry you understand so well some of where I'm coming from because you've been through it too 

I was thinking earlier today I could just as well resurrect one of my older Journals, one of those with "Concrete Beneficial Steps" in the title but then I did realise I am moving forwards a little bit and I am taking some concrete beneficial steps. Not to mention the realisations.

Concrete beneficial steps:
(1) I did some more research on Summer Schools as well as free online courses in activities that would probably help me get more out of the summer schools by practising certain skills before hand. In so doing I discovered one other similar summer school which also helps lower the bar for me - it's not this one and only application and if I don't get a place then that's the End of All Hope and I can forget this dream of mine. No. That's a FOO thing, especially from M, and especially towards me.

(2) I finally relented and bought myself some fruit juice because that will help me to drink enough
(3) I cleaned out my pets' massive living quarters so I feel better knowing that they're more comfortable again
(4) I threw out some of the ickiest fleece cloths my pets lie on and make very dirty. Result: I have fewer cloths to pre-clean and then wash. It's not easy to allow myself to throw out that kind of thing. Part of it involves believing I'll find other cushions or what-have-you for them to sit on and make messy, which ...
(5) I just have via some Internet private give-away thing - good that I checked
(6) I returned 3 things to public library which makes things a little less cluttered round here
(7) Spread over yesterday and the day before: 2 loads of laundry including hanging them up. one of them is dry even. In really bad phases simply doing the laundry can be a difficult step. Now that I've done 2 loads, there is more space on my floor     

And some realisations
i) Clearing the books off the floor isn't as important as getting on with what I have/had an impulse to do e.g. researching summer schools
ii) The correct step (in this case researching summer schools) will give me energy to move onto other steps which will in turn give me energy. The incorrect step today ie. clearing books off the floor will exhaust me and not give me energy for more activities. So it's fine to leave that step be for a while Only push through with a non-energy-giving step if it is really important e.g. today cleaning out pets' living quarters because it was long overdue and my pets rely on me, the poor little things. I did feel really exhausted afterwards, far more than I would normally feel.

[Bluegem]

Hi Blueberry

You are right, inside you know the steps that you need to take in that moment to get you where you need to be. I love your concrete beneficial Steps (especially no.1 ) it sounds like you have been very busy  I am glad you are busy researching your schools and that your pets are comfortable 

Do you mind me asking what pets you have?

I am lucky no laundry, cooking, or shopping for me to do as my OH is not working at the moment due to covid so he does all that.
I do need to take some concerted steps forward though ..my problem at the moment is I keep swapping between books ,videos etc and not sticking to anything.

[Not Alone]

Yea for you deciding the most beneficial use of your time and energy.

[Blueberry]

Yea for you deciding the most beneficial use of your time and energy.

Oh, is that what I'm doing? Thanks for telling me. Really. I am not being facetious! I often have trouble putting descriptive, defining words to what I am doing or to how and what I am.
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Bluegem, I have guinea pigs. For a long time I never mentioned that here on the forum because I was worried some FOO mbr might recognise me. Now occasionally I do write openly what they are, like to you now. But then I go back to "my pets", "Little Furries" etc
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Progress yesterday in T: I realised and said that I need to practise a particular imagination exercise more often till I'm really good at it and I need to do this exercise more often in day-to-day life. I need to. Not have to, should, ought to etc. No. Instead I realise that I need to implement the exercise in order to reduce the influence of M, F, B1, B2, SIL2 and any other FOO mbrs who crop up in the form of ICr (Inner Critic). Individual FOO voices or sometimes a general ICr voice drop by far too often! They sap my energy and/or lead to many activities being far more difficult for me than they should be. I have the ability to do: basic meal-preparation, decision-making, writing applications and filling out forms, translations, writing emails to ll and many other people, cleaning and tidying... It's ICr who gets in the way and causes total exhaustion, anxiety or even full-blown, multi-layer EFs like from just after Christmas till 2 days ago.

So I now see and understand the necessity of doing this imagination exercise more often and particularly before I attempt these basic activities rather than some time afterwards. Thinking "need to" feels OK. It's not like "should, have to" etc. I suppose because it's my realisation of "need to" and not "should" which often came as a masked suggestion from FOO. Oops I notice I need to do the imagination exercise again rn to get M out of my head. So I will do that.

[Blueberry]

So now I have done it   It didn't even take long. My T mentioned that it's important to take a break right away and do the exercise rather than thinking I "should" finish up what I'm doing first, which I tend to do. (There's that "should" again.) My T also said that after I've done the exercise it probably won't "work" for the next 24 hours or anything, I'll likely need to take another break and do it again. I did it about an hour ago and now a few minutes ago. My T mentioned that it may also sometimes be necessary to do something easier or maybe something fun before going back to the original activity. That could be moving around to music which I sometimes do in my office as a little break when doing difficult things on the computer (including writing on here but also translations and applications and emails...)

[mojay]

Blueberry, I used to have the same little furries as you do!! Absolutely loved their gentle nature and funny socializations. Truly adorable creatures!
So happy to hear that imagination exercise is helpful, big ups to you for that accomplishment 

My T mentioned that it's important to take a break right away and do the exercise rather than thinking I "should" finish up what I'm doing first, which I tend to do. (There's that "should" again.)

I am in the same boat when it comes to wanting a break but feeling I "should" finish up the task. Thank you for inspiring me to take a break when I need it, this was particularly helpful for me today.
Sending you all the support for your continued success with the exercise

[Blueberry]

Yay Mojay! Guineas are totally adorable. And some times they get very excited and run round doing bucking broncos. Which is very cute.

_________________
My imagination exercises seem to have worked pretty well today. I have just written and sent one business email in two languages to an assorted group of clients and one personal email to my friends who do not all know each other at all, also in two languages. This would have been unmanageable on a normal day and even pretty difficult to possibly also unmanageable on a really good day.

[Sceal]

I apologize for my earlier comment, I didn't quite understand how difficult of a time you were having.

No apology needed!   What your comment did do was help galvanise me into writing a response which in turn enabled me to go off on a big rant abut what was going on in me that day. That was very useful. Because when things are really bad I question the futility of writing anything, even though I know that I often come to some sort of helpful conclusion while writing.

Even I wasn't really aware of how difficult things were. I didn't realise I was in a full-blown EF. So I'm really sorry if you got a blast of aggressive energy that ought to have been heading to my anti-FOO defences instead.

Also I know that we have some shared topics, shared difficulties like selling yourself the way we both need to in marketing, and part of yourself feeling on display in the work we do, so now I'll add difficulty sending off emails to that shared list   It's really helpful to have somebody who gets a part of what I'm often going through and up against. 

I know you've written a lot of after this, but I just wanted to let you know I've read your reply. I am glad that my comment did help you in the end. It can be very important to get the hard stuff out in the open. Especially if you're not exactly sure what is going on before you start voicing it. 

I have learned a lot from you, you should know. I often think of you when the word 'should' appears in my vocabulary. "But I should be doing... "no wait. No, I shouldn't. Shouldn't is bad. I can choose to do it because I want to, because it'll give me peace of mind. Or if I need it. But should. I don't have to do any should's. Should's are guilt and shame induced.  And you wrote about this a few years ago, and it just stuck with me really deep.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your validation, Sceal     I'm glad me writing about 'should' with great frequency is helping you too. 

For most of today I felt pretty good and also got a fair bit done. Seems to be the effect of doing the imagination exercises the other day.

Then I was thinking seeing as I have this renewed energy atm it might be a good idea to get a belated Christmas parcel into the post. I suddenly felt very tired. I did realise that it's not real tiredness, instead it's there to cover up whatever feeling is beneath that because I most definitely do not want to feel. A mbr on here once pointed out that I'm frightened of my emotions. It was news to me at the time, but it's obviously true. So progress knowing it's not real tiredness. There were phases in my childhood and teenage years when I slept a lot in the middle of the day and I've just realised now :lightbulb: that was undoubtedly an escape, maybe not so much an escape from my feelings as just an escape full stop.

So before I came on here I did another round of my imagination exercise. It involves putting the whole of FOO behind dark bulletproof glass and then sending the whole picture of that to the forests of northern Scandinavia, which is far away but due north of here. Nothing against Scandinavia   If FOO is trying to break out, then magic helpers turn up and prevent this from happening. This evening FOO does not want to be stuck there. So the helpers are preventing them from escaping.

There were other things I wanted to write but they seem to have gone AWOL.

[Blueberry]

I have quite a few ideas bubbling around of things I'd like to do. One is write little cards or notes for friends expressing how much I appreciate their friendship and how much and in what ways they have been there for me this year and are continuing, along with Advent and/or Christmas wishes, as appropriate. The idea makes me feel happy; it feels much better than the 'I have to send Xmas cards'. Not that I force myself to do that anymore to tons of people but I do try to some people .... Anyway, my idea feels much better, kind of like when I write my lists of Joys or Things to be Grateful for.

I didn't manage that before Christmas, but I've started now
It really does feel good. When the person reciprocates in some way other than downplaying or taunting me, it gives me energy. Nobody except maybe my business neighbour taunts now! So other people either don't reciprocate at all so sort of neutral or in a pretty good way. In fact today, when telling one of these people of my appreciation for his kindness this past year and for his time and the useful information he has given me on gardening and plants and bees etc not to mention lots of his own garden produce , I realised how holding myself back from expressing almost anything for years, decades even, in FOO, well I realised how much that held me in check. Being ridiculed nastily by FOO for a facial expression or excited movements or just a gesture made me become very monotone (avoiding natural inflection in my voice) and led me to keep my hands and arms rigidly against my body or better yet pulled up inside my sleeves. No waving them around for emphasis or to underscore what I was saying. I might go as far as to say stunted my development even. It really was that bad.

Held in check? In fact a T once said FOO used laughter (as in laughing at me) as a way to control me. It was a form of abuse. It certainly stunted my full development of expression. Your body like facial expression and the way you stand, the way you move, those are all powerful non-verbal means of self-expression. For years and years my non-verbal messages were things like: "I don't exist", "I can't protect myself", "I don't have any boundaries". There were some years when my face looked haunted, I remember thinking that seeing my face reflected in a window and suddenly realised that's what I looked like all the time (late teens, early 20s).

A couple of years ago when I did a MOOC (open online course) for the first time I realised that the way the instructor was enunciating and just generally presenting was a way I would be incapable of (so far anyway) because FOO ridiculed anything like that in me. "What's that silly face for?", "You're grinning like the village idiot", "What's that silly voice for?" (when my voice was showing emotions) and more that I can't pinpoint atm. Maybe just ridiculing my facial expression was enough to hamper any kind of expressive gestures with my hands and arms. Idk. But it was certainly unthinkable for me to use them. That's changing though I used them today spontaneously and it wasn't the first time either

[Blueberry]

Now I remember what else happened today. A good few days ago I responded to a desperate plea on something like The Classifieds on ebay for material help. The somebody obviously lives literally around the corner from me and was looking for bits of second-hand furniture or furnishings because she'd just moved in and stores with those types of products are closed due to lockdown. So I offered a few bits and pieces, told her roughly where I live. She responded rather strangely with "Let's keep in touch" but didn't, though I had asked specifically for a response re: time and date.

Today she sent a further response saying she hadn't understood my first message, it had been rather confusing. That reminded me so much of FOO and their mind games, that I responded with a simple "Forget it!" I feel so relieved, even now writing it. I feel strong as well. I set a boundary to protect myself, I didn't give some stranger the benefit of the doubt and then get embroiled in this person's problems - financial or emotional or 'games'!  I ended all that before it got properly started! 

[Sceal]

That's really great that you managed to set boundaries with this stranger!  And it's even better that you got to feel the strength it can give to be firm and not let someone else walk over  you!

with your history this is an incredible win! You did really well! 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much Sceal for your validation! 

I guess the strength I felt, or still am feeling when I stop to think about it, is the empowerment that comes from being able to set a boundary and have it respected. And you're right, Sceal, that that is a huge win with my history, huge progress. So thanks for pointing that out

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Today I was out and about in the daytime in my new green jacket. I have had green before, a deep forest green or army green but nothing like this brilliant shade of green. The choice was black or green. Green is better for safety - more visible as a cyclist and pedestrian even in the daytime. But also takes some getting used to because of sticking out like a sore thumb. That reason just popped out courtesy of ICr / FOO. It hurts when I feel into that. It's the kind of thing FOO esp. F and B1 would have made a joke about to me. Not realising the damage (??) or not caring about it. Probably the latter. Anyway allow myself to sit with those hurt parts of me from then and grieve and comfort the relevant Inner Children. Then do my imagination exercise to provide huge distance between me and FOO. Done. Now I choose to say I look like a spring plant sticking up in all the snow

I bought my new jacket at the last minute before the shops closed in the pre-Christmas lockdown. I really needed one and I also wanted to make use of the temporarily reduced sales tax. I rushed around that day on my bike buying a whole bunch of clothing I really needed, all at different stores, partially even in different areas of town, also looking for one rain garment I didn't manage to find. Came home and dumped it all in a corner. Some items such as my new jacket remained for about 2 weeks in my bike bag. In retrospect I think buying so many items all at once (6, I think) was too much in some form emotionally. Not really the rushing around. I think more likely simply having so many new items all at once. I usually kind of 'pussy-foot' about with new garments or also with new devices. Something like it takes me a while to integrate them into my life and/or dare to use them at all. The latter is particuIarily the case with devices e.g. when I was given a really good, reusable face mask it took me a few days to get it out of the package and then read up on how to wear it exactly and how to clean it for reuse, even though I really wanted a mask that will do more than average to keeping me safe. So that's pussy-footing around. There is probably some reason in my past, there usually is. 

Today I also got the impetus to write one of my Highly Recommended / Could lists, so I did. New idea, carried out immediately: I wrote enough, in capital letters near the bottom of the Could part so that I wouldn't try and do any additional things. In fact I haven't finished everything on the list even now and it's certainly too late now for some of it. Writing that 'enough' was a really good way of trying to not overwhelm myself and also to help me not simply keep going and then collapse.

I did manage to give Little Furry her 3 meds today. It's difficult. I could do with 3-4 hands, but just have 2 obviously. I didn't the past few days though she is meant to get them daily. But otoh she seems to really hate it and be frightened. She trembles the whole time, and yes, she makes it more difficult by constantly turning her head this way and that so I can't get the syringe into her mouth.  Part of the problem for me is holding her still and forcing her. I mean that's a trauma reason behind it, not a physical reason or something I could just 'practise'. I have got better at medicating my Little Furries in the past year, compared to years ago where it would take aaaaages and I'd be so exhausted afterwards. Something even it took ages and I didn't manage either. So I'd have to ask a friend or go to the vet's. The exhaustion that may not actually be exhaustion but rather something to prevent me feeling whatever is beneath it all.

[Blueberry]

Suddenly so exhausted, and cold before hand. NTS it isn't exhaustion, it's a reaction to something. In 2 instances today I find myself thinking and even saying "Why do you get to do this and I don't??" To top it off, I had trouble giving Little Furry her meds, tho in the end I did manage. I noted a further problem beyond her paws, so phoned the vet for an appointment thinking I'd get one on Mon. I got one today instead. That's good for Little Furry of course, but it seems to have triggered this exhaustion. I suppose I can either succumb to the 'exhaustion' and have a nap or try and do some of my T exercises and see if anything helps.

I can, at least, refrain from 'shoulding' myself.