Moving Forwards

[Snowdrop]

Your friends sound lovely, Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Snowdrop

A few years ago I really worked on forming friendships. It was part of my plan to put down roots in this country which some Ts told me was really really important if I was going to continue contact with FOO. Contact with FOO is pretty low but the friendships are still there 

____________________________
I'm stabilising again and moving forwards better. One thing I've noticed today is that I needed to do things and run errands from various aspects of life, so not all business-related. But also - new and important realisation - I need to do some self-care before I can continue care of my pets other than feeding. They do need to be cleaned out beyond the 10% or whatever it was that I did yesterday? the day before? but I couldn't start before doing a fair number of tasks for myself. In fact I haven't started yet.

The image I have in general today is of a tree that has been cut back on the trunk (so not just pruned branches the way you would normally do) and where the cut is all sorts of twigs / small branches are sprouting but they are all more or less the same length. I've had this image off and on for quite a few years. The twigs used to grow exactly the same length and thickness, now there is some differentiation. Still, the meaning seems to be I can't rush forwards in one area and leave all other areas behind.

[Blueberry]

I'm stabilising a bit more again. Things felt easier today in general than yesterday or the day before.
I had therapy this morning so that did help. However this evening I got on with some marketing for my business. Fairly low-grade stuff, but I've never done it before that I can think of so it's totally new and good to start small. I have ideas for more of that bent which I'll try and do tomorrow.

My pets' living quarters are 80% clean now so I feel better about that too.

In T this morning I was feeling into a bit of anger towards ll and my business neighbour and releasing it very gradually without letting the emotions overwhelm me. It was a useful exercise which helped me feel my inner strength and showed me that I can resort to feeling anger and showing an inner strength when I need it e.g. when dealing with ll. With practice this inner strength will be recognisable to others and it won't be quite so easy for them to just ignore me or simply say 'No' to a reasonable request e.g. I'd like my own compost bin for municipal collection (as opposed to my compost container in the garden).

[sanmagic7]

well done, blueberry!   i love that you now have a way of allowing anger to be expressed when you need to.  i know this ll issue has been long-running.  anything you can do to help you with it, i'm all for it.  it exhausts me (in spirit) that you have to continually deal with this over and over.  i truly hope from my heart that this can eventually get resolved.

hang tough, blueberry!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

Thank you san! Yes, you're right - the ll issue is so long-running. I still haven't heard back from him on the compost bin so I'll be sending a reminder email next week. Phoning may be more effective but if I write I have a record of what I wrote when, until I do phone because he's been ignoring me. I'll see how long it takes for him to respond. It is exhausting, although it feels less exhausting now I imagine because of the work I did in T on Thursday. It was processing work, as well as finding a way to tap anger w/o overwhelming myself.

[Blueberry]

I've just come onto my computer now. I actually wanted to open up my email and instead came right here and started reading recent posts of other mbrs. Nothing wrong with that per se but my reason for starting up my computer was a different one. So it's good I noticed and stopped reading around What made me stop was realising I don't have the energy to respond even though I wanted to. That may mean something in me is stopping the energy going onto something that I hadn't been planning to do. Checking emails, maybe even writing a few - these are things I need to do today or tomorrow. Some of the ones I've been intending to do 'soon' are quite important ones. e.g. business stuff, products and services I want to inquire about before the end of the year. Prices are going up here in January for various reasons, makes sense to invest in more up-to-date software and other computer stuff like that, functioning phones, help with both computer and phone installation beforehand! Then there are things like waterproof jacket and new bike gaiters for wet, snowy weather which I really need, as well as other non-business stuff like that, though I don't need to write any emails about them.

I am moving forwards again. A friend is still helping me with cleaning once a week. On Friday after she left I continued cleaning in spots she hadn't been able to reach because of my mess. Needless to say I cleared up at least some of the mess too. Today I cleared my kitchen window-ledge and then washed it and the window. The window is still a bit streaky I see especially on the outside but I did it and some dirt is certainly gone, the inside is certainly clean. So that feels good and will every time I see my window, despite the streaks.

I have quite a few ideas bubbling around of things I'd like to do. One is write little cards or notes for friends expressing how much I appreciate their friendship and how much and in what ways they have been there for me this year and are continuing, along with Advent and/or Christmas wishes, as appropriate. The idea makes me feel happy; it feels much better than the 'I have to send Xmas cards'. Not that I force myself to do that anymore to tons of people but I do try to some people including some FOO mbrs like my niece or my uncle or a cousin once removed who usually sends me a card. I don't send them even to those FOO mbrs every year, but I just notice my energy disappears at the thought. There's some feeling of obligation there rather than that I want to, except for my niece maybe - that's difficult for other reasons. Anyway, my idea feels much better, kind of like when I write my lists of Joys or Things to be Grateful for. But also 'No stress!' I say to myself. If I manage just one or two then that's what I manage and that's fine. I also feel that it involves me moving a bit further off the forum - doing things for my friends IRL. Of course, I'm not leaving the forum, but it's good to feel that I'm taking up more of real life. Expanding into the real world. I hope mbrs know what I mean because I can't find the correct words for it.

[Blueberry]

I felt inspired by something Sceal wrote in her Journal (thanks Sceal!) and went on to send a reminder email to ll about my new compost bin and then I wrote a rough draft for an email on the Other Business' Toilet Problem, which I haven't been able to get on with for weeks. My T suggested a rough draft to lower the perfectionist bar and to allow me to write everything unfettered that came into my mind. It's too long and I've actually already removed a few sentences. I'll do more in the next couple of days. Last time I spoke to T less than a week ago I said I couldn't even begin to write - I had no words. Now the words are mostly there

I'm doing well atm with tidying and sorting and throwing things out in my apartment. Mostly papers. It feels really good. I've been putting off or not wanting to do that particular stack for months. But suddenly I was able to get on with it, on Sunday maybe, or maybe it was just yesterday, Monday. When I'm in an active, moving forwards phase days can seem very long in a good way.

My streaky kitchen window looks better despite being streaky.

Yesterday I made a suggestion to the leaders of a club I'm in about what we could do this month instead of our Christmas Party, which is cancelled due to Corona. I think my idea is quite good but I still felt unsure about whether the leaders would agree and whether anybody else would be interested or if I'd get a bunch of emails or phone calls finding all sorts of things wrong with my suggestion. But the leaders took kindly to my suggestion and have forwarded to all members. So far two members want to take part. I'm sure I will hear some more responses soon. Anyway I feel buoyed up with the leaders, who have a lot of experience in what club members might or might not be willing to do, liking my idea and encouraging others to join in.

I know it's often counterproductive for us to keep back feelings like anger or sadness or emotional pain or whatever it is we weren't allowed to express 'back then', so it's a step forward when you can express them. For me it's also a big step forward to potentially expose myself to ridicule, criticism or just plain being ignored or even swept aside, by coming up with an idea and sharing it. It's taking initiative, something that FOO especially B1 and M didn't want and so treated me in such way that I hardly ever expressed it. If I did, I got a lot of really nasty ridicule, so mostly I kept it to myself. The damage wrought by that was so long term! It's just now that I'm beginning to move out of it. Anyway, my idea for what we could do instead of a Christmas Party is a step towards healing. Not the first time I've taken initiative, but I note it's still difficult. But when I do do it, then a burst of energy comes, which then helps me move on with other things.

[Not Alone]

      

[Blueberry]

Thanks for your validation, notalone

I went on to send a reminder email to ll about my new compost bin

This morning ll sent a read confirmation, as he did last time. No quick response like: Thx, I'll deal next week / in Jan... Just: Read. End of.  So this week I'm going to fill the communal compost bin with whatever I have. I'm not putting it in my non-compost refuse sacks because that's not where organic waste belongs, especially not the amount I have. Also I am worried about running out of the special municipal refuse sacks and buying additional ones is costly and I mean really costly to the tune of 5 euros per sack. But also having to divide my organic waste up into different types of refuse is time-consuming for me and cleaning out my pets' living quarters is strenuous enough as it is. Yeah so, I'm going to up the ante so to speak. Maybe then ll will hear from others in the building about no space left in the compost bin. Though I doubt it will happen fast. More likely a couple of my neighbours will complain to me first and then refuse to notify ll of too little compost bin capacity, saying it's my problem, my job (as usual in this building). Though two other neighbours contribute a lot to the compost bin as well. However I feel strong for having made this decision.

[Blueberry]

I've just found out that a friend I had contact with on Saturday has been tested positive. We were both outside and both had cloth masks. Still, I'm running possible points of physical contact thru my head. We both touched a specific plant that was in the garden. I can't be 100% sure we didn't touch the same spot. I also know I touched some specific appliance after her. Not immediately afterwards, but nonetheless afterwards without disinfecting.

I feel a bit annoyed at my friend for not saying she had more problems than a headache and that she'd been having something off and on for a few weeks which she didn't think could be a Covid symptom. Turns out it can be.

I'm more annoyed at myself for not being super, super meticulous. I hope I don't have the virus. I'm soooo tired.

[Blueberry]

No symptoms, no test. The doc's receptionist I phoned said the chances of me having caught Covid is very very slight. She intimated she can understand me feeling anxious but she wouldn't be worried personally.

I just think: it's not worth the risk of potentially infecting someone else. Let's eliminate 1% danger or 5% danger or whatever it is exactly by avoiding activities that involve a risk. Like going shopping or talking to people outside. You can have the virus and be asymptomatic. That's what I'm worried about - infecting somebody else! When I think about it carefully, I probably won't be going down with it myself in a day or two. I usually come down fast and hard with whatever bug is going round and I haven't gone down yet. But the shock and fright that I might have - that's what hit me today and yesterday.

Is it important to do some shopping before the prices go up again in January? No. It's certainly not more important than staying healthy and protecting others. There's lots of stuff I could be doing in my apartment and office too.

Should I be protecting the others in my building and so not leave my apartment? That's a harder one for me to answer. For the sake of the health care service and all the people my neighbours come into contact with, yes. otoh I don't feel much obligation towards my neighbours because none of them seem to take it seriously. Nobody other than me wears a mask in the entrance way, stairwell etc. Most don't even try to keep 1.5 m distance, though some try for 1 meter. It does go somewhat against the grain and/or my feelings of fairness to curtail my own activities for people who don't otherwise give a toss about my health or the health of my students.

Also living on my own and not leaving my apartment means I can't access my office and I can't empty any of my apartment garbages. I don't have capacity for tons of the latter in my apartment, certainly can't hold out for 10 days. As for the office, I need it to continue working which I want to do as long as I'm not ill. I note I'm getting very tired again. Just like yesterday evening when writing about this.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
Interesting that the doc's receptionist said she wouldn't be worried personally - I wonder if that's really the case, as it must be difficult to put oneself in another person's shoes, but I guess she was trying to reassure you.   I very much hope that you're ok, and I can tell that you've experienced some shock and some fright about the situation.  I wanted to send you a hug of support -    maybe there's another person you can ask for advice from?  Other than the doc's receptionist? 

I hope you can get some rest, as you mentioned feeling very tired again.
Take care,
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,
Thanks for replying and for your hugs of support. I've since had news from a Corona person in the health care service. He said if I hadn't gone down with it within 2 days, not to worry. An adult student of mine suggested waiting till Saturday, which is today. I still don't have any symptoms so assuming I'm clear. I do think they change their tune a bit depending on who exactly you speak to and how infection rates are in general.

I think a little bit of shock and fright was a good thing. It reminds me that this thing is a serious matter and just because there is a certain number of people treating it all as if the regulations are optional, doesn't mean I shouldn't go back to taking it really, really seriously. As in: not getting Coronavirus is the most important thing atm and going forwards for months.

Well, I'm really tired again so either I'm thirsty or tired of sitting at the computer. I did do some work though For some reason, I get waves of tiredness when writing on here about Corona. I don't know whether it's fear I'm not feeling or what

[woodsgnome]

  Good to hear you may at least not e in any danger zone, for the moment.

Your situation got me to thinking, though, about how in some respects covid-19 bears similarities to how C-ptsd works. Which is -- they are both unpredictable. And how the only thing we can do is to find out how best to move forwards, as you're doing on both counts.

Yes, there's hope for treatments, but in the end we also have to utilize the best self-care we can along a rocky route to, if not a cure, at least meaningful healing.

Anyway, good to hear you're okay so far and hope you can continue in a safe manner. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you woodsgnome

It's interesting the correlation you see between cptsd and covid. I think you're right too. I just hadn't thought that far before.

I'm very lucky today. It's St. Nicholas' Day and a friend brought me a Livinguard mask which is way more effective for the wearer (and everybody round about) than the reusable cloth ones I've been using up until now, which have to be washed after every use. This new one only needs to be washed once a month. Life is going to get easier e.g. I'll feel OK about using buses again, which is good because I have to go to the vet's in the other part of town and was thinking it's not the best weather to be transporting a guinea pig on a cargo bike. What if I skidded? / slipped on ice / snow? I'll also be able to get some much-needed new clothes at various shops including one good one where the warmer winter clothes are massively reduced in price. I can maybe dare to go to church again too, which I have missed.

But otoh not go berserk and pretend everything is normal because it's not. Hygiene measures like frequent hand-washing remain important.