Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Thank you marta!   I'm actually feeling good again except that I'm pretty tired this evening. But I got a lot done today.

It's not that long ago that I could not have run around the way I did today: buying things I need, e.g. trousers and a waterproof jacket, which are massively on sale, and running other errands that needed to be completed by 6-7 pm. As of tomorrow it's hard lockdown. I don't feel up to doing much more tonight, but tomorrow's another day.

[Blueberry]

And tomorrow is yet another day since I don't feel I was too productive today. There's quite a lot I need to get done by Friday, all things that tend to be mentally / intellectually stressful e.g. finally handing all my relevant papers from 2019 to the accountant. 

otoh being this reluctant to even sort them and then hand them in is connected to a remark made by the accountant some other time I was there collecting my completed tax forms. She knows I have long-term health issues though she doesn't know what but still she felt it necessary to point out to me that my income was really reduced that year because my expenses were higher - I'd spent a 3-figure sum on one form of advertising. So heaven knows what she's going to say about 2020, though it's not those documents I haven't got in yet. It's not even her business! It's not as if her comments are useful in any way. When I'm ready, which doesn't seem to be yet, I'll do a round of two of EFT on it: "I accept and forgive myself although the accountant / my mother questioned my spending." OK, "my mother" just slipped in there rn so that connection makes at least one reason clear for my brain fog re: getting my papers to the accountant.

Another task I'm trying to finish is a little present for my niece and goddaughter. Originally for her birthday almost 2 years ago but... It's so difficult. Not really but it is for me. I'm translating a little book for her - there's not much text at all but in awkward places to stick the translation. In fact the translation is long since finished, just not sticking it in the little book. I know somebody flying to the same continent as my niece in a few days who is going to take it for me. The price of any mail other than letters and postcards to that continent has gone sky-high due to Corona. I thought having a set deadline (this evening originally) would help me get on with it. Apparently not.

Well, there are a couple of other little presents going in the same parcel, long overdue as well and then that'll be it. I know that here too the difficulties are to do with trauma and FOO and everything. It is sad but I'm in the course of finally deciding that my self and my well-being have priority over godmother duties toward my goddaughter. A long time ago on OOTF I wrote about this and a couple of members there pointed out that obviously any contact with FOO was really detrimental to me and self-care would indicate it would be best to put energy towards friends and their children not any FOO. One reason being - FOO is dysfunctional and there's no guarantee that my niece won't swallow the FOO line of "Blueberry causes all the problems in the family" and all that. I don't want to write any more examples, it makes me too sad   Or rather probably it hurts too much.

This post has taken quite some time. I'm listening to a CD of children's songs over and over again and I've been getting up to dance around. That means there are pretty small inner children around atm. Dancing around to music can help me integrate something - Idk what even atm - and depending on what kind of music I want is a good indicator of approximate age that needs soothing.

[marta1234]

Blueberry, I'm sorry your accountant felt the need to comment on your personal finances, as you said, this is none of her business. I completely understand (though in different situations) when people overstep my boundaries and give their comment on my way of doing things or something done in the past. It is not their business. Nobody asked for their personal views on my life.
I'm sorry you've been struggling with the gift making  and the fact that your niece might give into the FOO line. I wish I could do something more, but I hope a big warm hug and lots of support will be enough  Maybe hanging out on the Healing Porch might be fun, if you'd want to. We can look out at the sky and sit in big lounge chairs, and talk about whatever you want. Or maybe just sit in silence and peace. I hope you're feeling better today   

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much marta! 

Feel a need to communicate with somebody before I get going on my work.

Some Good Things:
I dropped a couple of little things off about town and walked as much as possible in the sun. I felt it warming me And a little leg stretch and fresh air is helpful before I sit down at a confusing and non-enjoyable task (sorting papers for the accountant).

The other business neighbour who never wears a mask unless he has customers reacted fairly appropriately to my upheld hand indicating: stand back / distance yourself It was shared space and I was in it before he was. He bowed which is silly because distancing isn't about me, it's about getting the country's infection rate way, way down again. But he didn't swear or get aggressive or tell me to back out the door again, if I had a problem

Yesterday evening, uh well this morning, I finished making the gift for my niece. It took a lot of time and a lot of dancing around to nursery rhymes but I managed

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,

It's great that you finished making the gift for your niece, and I hope she'll enjoy it.   

When you mentioned the warming sun, I felt some of the warmth! 

Sending you a hug 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope 

I spent most of the day in bed, hiding basically. I don't even know what's wrong. Probably something is moving internally. It's OK to just stay in bed. I didn't give my little pet her medicine for 3 days or take most of my own either.  That is less good to state the obvious. I gave her her medicine today and I can tell by her behaviour that she is doing better.

[Blueberry]

I feel like blowing an internal fuse. Better to feel carefully into what's going on than to actually blow a fuse.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, i know it's been quite a while since i've popped in.  unfortunately, too many things running around my head too often.

first and foremost, i hope you're not truly ill.  sending healing energy your way.

so, lockdown.  i can't send enough support for the care you take with all this.  you are a wonderful inspiration, even tho it's been hard and harder to do so as the months of this have dragged on.  well done.   

the idea of taking that slow break for yourself - i can truly relate.  i'm finding it a tough one to overcome.  best to you with it.  just breathing and being aware of you, your body, your being - whew!  all that attention, in a good way, on oneself.  it's kind of scary.

keep taking care of you, ok?  you're always in my heart, even if i don't make it here as often as before.  c-ptsd stinks!  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

I hadn't been expecting this really, but I'm feeling down and rather self-destructive. I'm not going to do anything out of the ordinary to myself. It is how it is.

Some good things: I did bother myself to go for a little walk around town; I took my medicine and gave my pet hers. Phoned a couple of people to wish them a Happy Christmas or as good as possible in the circumstances. Watched some Christmas Eve church services but felt I just couldn't be bothered even though the services catered to the world we live in today. But it's good I watched at all.

[marta1234]

Blueberry, what you have done is a lot. I say, listening to your body and getting out of bed is already a step. I'm also wishing you everything good and care and love for you   

[Blueberry]

hey, blueberry, i know it's been quite a while since i've popped in.  unfortunately, too many things running around my head too often.

first and foremost, i hope you're not truly ill.  sending healing energy your way.

so, lockdown.  i can't send enough support for the care you take with all this.  you are a wonderful inspiration, even tho it's been hard and harder to do so as the months of this have dragged on.  well done.   

the idea of taking that slow break for yourself - i can truly relate.  i'm finding it a tough one to overcome.  best to you with it.  just breathing and being aware of you, your body, your being - whew!  all that attention, in a good way, on oneself.  it's kind of scary.

keep taking care of you, ok?  you're always in my heart, even if i don't make it here as often as before.  c-ptsd stinks!  love and hugs

Thank you san! I'm not reading any mbrs' journals as much as I used to. Not your's, not anybody's. It's a sign of healing and progress, focussing more on me, even when I don't seem to be doing so at all. So you may be doing the same. I do have the impression when I read or catch snippets of your Journal that you're doing a lot of hard work both in healing and irl e.g. editing. I also notice how much Covid is taking a toll on you - how many people you know directly affected. That's got to be really hard! I just know of 2 people who've tested positive and a few in quarantine till it turned out they weren't positive. That's quite enough for me though.

I wasn't ill, it was just a sort of 24 hour respite I needed. I used to need 2 weeks, so I would be holed up with a really bad cold verging on flu for that time.

[Blueberry]

Thank you marta for your good wishes and pointing out what beneficial activity I've done for myself! 

I was expecting more of myself I suppose. Also on the 23rd I was already feeling shakey since people around me were being so kind! Dropping by with little gifts like candles with poems attached in my letter box or passed through the window. I was feeling undeserving of this attention: if only they knew what chaos there is in my apartment and in my office, oh man! I was thinking of ignoring Christmas somewhat and filing papers instead, but mostly I've been lying in bed reading and standing up to eat from time to time because there are no clean tables. A little while ago I did finally start on some tidying though.

I read somewhere today about getting through hard lockdown and one suggestion was to lay some rails down before you go off the rails. Good idea! That's what my Highly Recommended and Could lists are all about. Sometimes I don't seem to be able to write them though. Some friends invited me for afternoon tea today. I declined but said I'd go for a walk with them, if they liked which they did. That was enough to get me out of the house for a bit. So a little bit of rail-laying 

My own actions in early December were enough to help me through some of Christmas. I made a suggestion to a group of people and ended up with 4 presents to open. This seems to be called Secret Santa. One is the book I've been reading off and on. I remember now that I really like something new to read at Christmas time.

[Blueberry]

At best I've been hibernating. Sleeping, reading, dozing. Getting up to do things then not having the wherewithal somehow so going back to my sofa to read and doze some more. It's been kind of nice secreted away like this. But I also feel lazy and my ICr has been having a bit of a go at me.

I miss the farm. Normally I'd do a bit of work there in the Christmas holidays. That would get me back on track a bit. But we're in pretty hard lockdown. I could go but it's too risky for me, too many people work there. There are always some people who don't take social distancing as seriously as we're meant to.

It seems pretty quiet here. I hope that means everybody is doing as well as possible in the circumstances. 

[Hope67]

  to you Blueberry. 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hi Blueberry, I haven't been on the forum for awhile. Just wanted to send you a caring hug.