Moving Forwards

[mojay]

Blueberry, so many great successes!! Well done 
I love the mental image of a vibrant green jacket as a spring plant in the snow! So refreshing I was inspired to read your re-frame, it's really a lovely thing to hear the steps you took to realize the hurt, grieve, comfort yourself and create new meaning.

I can see how giving Little Furry her medicine would be difficult, it sounds like you are a very good keeper for them and truly care for their wellbeing, even when it can be exhausting. Sending you peaceful and healing vibes to recoup your energy~

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,

I'm glad you were able to get that appointment for one of the Furry's. 

Wanted to pop by and send you a hug 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope, always appreciated!  for you too. It was really good I got that appointment, my Little Furry needed it.

Thank you mojay for all your validation! Oh, I do care for my pets' well-being. They are all rescue animals and the one I was at the vet's with has a chronic problem, probably due to bad / incompetent breeding I met the "breeder" because the original owners gave all 3 back to the "breeder" when they couldn't keep them. The "breeder" promised to put them in with her own flock and put them up for sale on an Internet platform instead. Through some fluke I came into contact with the original owners and found out about the whole deception. I also fought (verbally) with the "breeder" to get all three, as the original owners wanted them kept together and the "breeder" wanted them separated. I won

The one with the chronic problem had been mis-diagnosed all along. I got to the bottom of the problem, well my vet did of course. It's an orthopedic problem and it's pretty gruesome. It won't get better. All I can do is keep Little Furry comfortable (painkillers) and happy (lots of yummy food and good quality hay). Atm I'm thinking I can't bear another Little Furry death (though I haven't endured one for a good few years because I took a break from Little Furries for about 3 years). This "I can't bear" is probably worth looking at. There's probably something behind it that's not connected to Little Furries or Little Furry deaths.

The friend who is helping me clean came yesterday and held Little Furry still while I administered the meds and a footbath (pawbath). Was much easier.

_________ ________________

Unfortunately there are quite a few 'topics' that could do with being looked at

Instead of looking at one that cropped up today, I continued eating and then went back to bed. One step forward is that I am becoming more aware of when I'm doing something and what I am doing in order to avoid looking at a topic or just to avoid feeling into what is going on in those few minutes. It's beneficial for me to highlight the step forward.

What I am also doing - I think - is coming up with more activities to do instead of concentrating on starting and/or completing the ones already sitting looking at me. I saw a job advertised today at the farmers' market. I've worked at different stands there before. The first one successfully about 10 years ago, unsuccessfully a couple of years ago. So try again, earn a little of my own money since there's not much demand for my freelance stuff for the time being. On the surface it looks like a good idea. Go a bit deeper and there are a lot of reasons for which it might not be a good idea rn. That's why I started eating nonsense after my breakfast and then went back to bed. Things will become clearer to me in the next few days.

[Blueberry]

I did try some processing a little while ago like Screen Work to protect and distance myself from FOO. Mbrs of FOO started piling out of the Screen which isn't what is supposed to happen, though it does occasionally. My head is still drawing a blank of what to do about them piling out. I mean I did try a couple of things but neither worked sufficiently. It feels as if there's something huge under there. I don't want to sit and feel into it.

Maybe before or after - don't even know anymore - I tried a little EFT but only got as far as tapping the top of my head and my chest, so nothing in between. I was falling asleep while doing it though it wasn't even bed time. I was accepting myself for 'everything'. I yawned a lot so 'everything' although pretty unspecific seemed to mean something to some inner parts. I'm thinking to myself rn that 'I could have done more' which sounds an awful lot like I 'should have' done more. So instead I'll say: 'At least I did any at all!'

I'm sure somewhere I have the tools to deal with this, but sitting with my emotions is so hard. My ICr says I'm being whiney. I feel overwhelmed by my emotions so that's why I say sitting with them is hard. My ICr can take a hike.

Today I'm remembering back to inpatient large-group therapy where I usually ended up in fighting mode and under all that was a whole ton of pain. I feel as if I'm in fighting mode again and beginning to think it's not worth it. I've even been thinking through the Serenity Prayer today. Haven't been in 12 Step groups for a long time and I don't intend to again but reflecting on "the serenity to accept things I can't change, the courage to change things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". Can I change the neighbour business's behaviour? No. Can I change people who view the measures being taking against Corona as way overboard? No. Can I change people who interpret the measures less strictly than I do? No.

NTS just thinking that out and writing it down was totally exhausting. My T teaches me to not feel into things deeply or at least to feel in very gradually. So patience with self is required.

[Blueberry]

I actually feel better today, less triggered. So maybe the exercises I did yesterday helped somewhat. Idk. I'm thinking that I've merely put the lid on a few things instead.

I've started on some household tasks I really wanted to complete yesterday. It seems I needed a break. So simple. It's just I wanted to complete them so that I can sleep in my bed again rather than on the floor where I've been for 2 nights now w/o a mattress (long story). My sofa which I'd been sleeping on for weeks and weeks is presently piled high with stuff. My goal is to get back into my bed anyway, not to go back to the sofa. But yeah, NTS just needed a break!

Last night I managed to medicate my Little Furry at midnight. That was rather late compared to other days but at least I managed. I felt some weight lifting off my shoulders immediately. It's easier now too - NTS - since I have to give only one med orally, not three.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,

it sounds to me like you did just the right amount of everything you've been doing the past couple of days, no matter what form it took, including your NTS's - i love those!  such caring reminders for you.  at least, that's how they seem to me. 

not whiny, never whiny.  i go to that place, too, when i want to get the 'not so fun' things out, but i'm also told that i'm not whining.  it may be that those of us who have had unrealistic expectations placed on us, or were somehow punished, mocked, told to quit whining, etc. for expressing how we really feel got the idea that being our true selves is not ok.  i've never seen you as whiny, blueberry.  ever.

i hope you get to your bed, pronto, just so you can sleep in your safe place again.  i say that cuz of hearing you talk about taking to your bed at times when you've been overwhelmed, exhausted, or needing a break.  i've always thought of it as a safe place for you to just get out of the negativity for a while, a place where you can refuel.  sending love and a hug filled with just the right amount of everything.

[mojay]

Blueberry, what an ordeal with that "breeder"!!! So glad that you won and are providing a nurturing and loving home for the furry dears. The pawbath made me smile

I agree with Sanmagic that you've done a great job with everything over the past few days, especially since you wrote that you felt less triggered today. In my humble opinion, taking a break when things are piling up is very important - I think you are very wise to keep that NTS. I think taking breaks also reflects patience with self, so great job

Cheering you on with your household tasks 

[Blueberry]

I feel as if I'm stalling again but I suppose that just means I need a break.

I also feel annoyed at myself for not taking care of my needs better. A friend called me at about 2pm that she wanted to bring me something for my birthday though it wasn't quite ready. OK I said I'm teaching soon and until 3:30 so later please. It's 6pm and there's no sign of her. I don't want her to ring the bell while I'm in the shower or medicating my Little Furry so I've been putting both off

So even though she's bringing me a present and that's a very nice thing to do, still I need to be more assertive about my plans and say 'you need to come by such-and-such or postpone till tomorrow.'

I feel low and droopy today. I suppose I could do some eFT, though even that I don't like to be interrupted at it.

I did make some real progress a few days ago. There are people in my building especially the other business who like to leave the front door open as well as an internal door, which is just outside my office, leading into an unheated storage room at the back. It's winter and our building is not well insulated. It is lockdown, the other business is allowed to be open atm but there are also hardly any customers. The other business leaves the front door open because it is nicer for customers. Up until now I have been closing it because a) it is lockdown and there are harly any customers and b) it is cold and having doors open all day really cools off the building.

A couple of days ago I made a deal: I will consent to leave the front door open during his opening hours if he always closes the door leading to the storage area. Hey presto! Magic! Despite his protestations of not being the only one to leave it open and also of seeing me leave it open, it is now closed all the time! Whereas before I closed it in passing up to 4-5-6 times a day. 

[sanmagic7]

it's your birthday?  did i miss it?  i hope not.  at any rate, i hope you enjoy your day - best birthday wishes ever!   

i think that realization of making specifics known is huge.  i learned the hard way that leaving such things open-ended always went wonky for me, and i'd get interrupted or verbally walked over when i wasn't ready.  i think it's an important issue for us to learn.  well done

keep taking care of you as best you can, my dear.  you are doing so much more in this area than even a year ago.  very proud of you for all the work you've continued to do, if it's my place to say that.  love and hugs, blueberry

[Blueberry]

Thank you san! It's helpful you're seeing healing steps in me because I'm not really seeing them. So I will look more closely into that. I have T in a few hours so check on here anyway to write the gist of the past 2 weeks down!

[Blueberry]

M went and contacted a friend of mine again on some flimsy excuse. M was soooo concerned. I hate this. When it really comes down to it, when their concern would be appropriate, M and F don't give it. Unfortunately my friends without PDs in their lives tend to make some excuse for my parents, or at least they 'understand'. So this is I guess just something I have to accept. Can't change my parents, can't change my friends. Too difficult for me to make anybody understand. I have told this friend before that she is undermining my boundaries when she chit-chats to my M or F, tells them a few things from my life, things she thinks are harmless. In the grand scheme they are harmless but I'd just like to have control over them but I don't apparently. 

It makes me feel as if I'm really difficult and have really high expectations of other people. That's my ICr. Once again it makes me feel as if I might as well go back to FOO and say "Ok, you win. I was wrong."

On top of that, I haven't been doing much self-care recently. I think self-care would include getting on with various things that I've been planning to and haven't so far done. There's a whole long list.

At the beginning of the first lockdown, some people were wondering what all to do stuck in their homes for weeks. I read this in some comments somewhere: "Are you kidding??" plus a whole long list of things to catch up on but someone else pointed out that "it's not just a lack of time preventing many people from getting on with their pet projects." That person never spoke a truer word.

In fact I'm doing zero atm other than reading. Reading involves standing by watching some (fictional) person's life unfold instead of taking steps to further my own life. I'm not in danger of stopping my life in anyway, just in danger of letting it drift on planless and goal-less.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, your M contacting your friend created a lot of feelings in you. Please be easy on yourself about "getting on with various things." It may be that it is taking all your energy to hold those feelings.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both for your support, notalone and san.
You are very understanding notalone. Unfortunately I was not getting on with a lot before my friend dumped this bombshell on me.
_____________________________________

This one's difficult. This friend brought my parents up in conversation out of the blue a few weeks ago. I don't remember what it was about and I don't seem to have written much about it. But I do remember it was something where after the fact I considered really trying to explain to this friend that even having M or F mentioned to me unprepared can send me reeling. I don't suppose that would help though. It would just be JADEing on my part. Because I have said so before. I wrote in my paper Journal, wondering if I should say something after the fact or if I should try to be more proactive next time. Well, "proactive next time" didn't work.

I do consider this person a good friend. BUT. It now feels as if she thinks she knows better than I do how to navigate my FOO. It feels as if she is taking sides, with them. It feels as if she is undermining those boundaries I set FOO.

Probably I need to say those to her directly. Though I would appreciate any comments on the above.

My brothers keep flashing through my mind because they used to undermine the boundaries I set my parents too. There was always 'some reason' to do so. I feel, well, I know FOO doesn't take me seriously. But it feels as if my friend doesn't take me seriously either. She's a bit older than me and I'm kind of in awe of her I guess. I don't dare to have an argument with her and really stand my ground. I know that's not very healthy, so here is the opportunity, arriving on a silver platter. I know she's up to her ears in work atm, feeling burnt out already, so I feel I "shouldn't" dump this on her. Oh, there's that 'should' again.

I'm angry, which gives me energy.

[Blueberry]

My T said contact with people won't stay if you can't set a limit and if you aren't allowed to speak up about a problem you're having with that person's words / actions / deeds or even speak up about realising there's a problem developing between you, but you need to talk about it! And if you can't, then time to re-think, let go probably. That makes total sense but it's very difficult for me

Oh dear, there's another instance of this going on. Where there's something I really should say to a friend. This speaking up when realising there's a problem developing. This is still soooo hard for me. Due to FOO's conditioning. I 'need' to be grateful that I have any friends combined with 'my friends are all losers and weird like me anyway and if I had good ones the way FOO members do, this would never happen. No need for conflict or speaking up' 

This is somebody I consider a good friend, but I think I've been allowing her ... to take an upper hand too much.

Then I hear those FOO voices about this is all just because I'm such a loser. But it's not. It's because I'm learning far later than should be the case how to navigate friendships, how to stand up for myself, when and where to do so, and when to let things go and know they won't happen again that way, that it was just a one-off.

I copied this over from one of my old posts on Recovery Letters. I am pleased to see that although I'm still struggling with the topic and FOO's legacy, I'm no longer struggling for the same reasons. ICr is no longer spouting all that stuff about loser etc. Only the bold statements are up-to-date.