Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Now I'm realising that not too long ago confronting this friend would have led to feelings of either SI or I-had-better-leave-the-country. I know it wouldn't have been real SI. I wouldn't have been in any danger of doing it. It's something Pete Walker refers to but I can't remember what he calls it. But it's something like the EF to a much earlier time in life when there was no escape except possibly SI is so intense that it triggers back to these feelings/thoughts of in my case ... Well I won't spell them out partly because I don't have any words, more just a feeling. Anyway this evening a glimpse of them came but they are far, far less intense than they used to be. 

I do have feelings of aggression. Even the way I eat is aggressive. Also feeling aggressive about a neighbour where I think my feelings are much above what could be warranted.     Fortunately I have T tomorrow, even though I think I ought to be able to reduce my feelings by myself. ought to = should. Not always helpful. What did help me was thinking back to one of the videos I've linked to recently or a similar one where the T tells his 2 clients they're in Flashback City. Helped me realise I was or am today too.

[Blueberry]

Today in T: aggression is an energy. It's what we do with that energy that defines it and decides whether the action is 'good' or 'bad'. I have been using the energy to defend myself and to set limits, but very reluctantly. And then turning the aggression against myself: SH, eating aggressively (bad for the digestion is ultimately bad for me) and eating too much in  my I-just-don't-care aggressive haste is obviously a misuse of food.

Then not wanting to feel my aggression so Not-Doing tons of stuff I ought to be doing and even want to do or where at least I want and need the result (cleaned parts of apartment, tidied desk, head and soul cleared of FOO for time being etc.) but instead disappearing off to bed re-reading books I know more or less off by heart i.e. slipping into somebody else's life, even if imaginary person's. Then falling asleep and dreaming aggressive things but ultimately asleep = state of inertia where I am Not-Doing. That was safest in my childhood but not now.

My T was also reminding me obliquely to not turn aggression against myself verbally. I did go back to my paper Journal to see what exercises I could do and I did realise I could practise them more often. The ones I tried yesterday or the day before didn't bring the desired result because clear in hindsight that I needed different ones though the different ones are ones I know. So today in T it was a bit like a synthesis of a whole bunch of different exercises.

Not 'liking' aggression is not liking what M and B1 did with it, how they expressed it. Important to note that I don't act the way they do! Not only do I not act it out physically! But I don't slam people I like or even don't like with derisive, untrue comments. My T said it's really, really important for me to learn the difference between aggression how it was dealt with in my FOO against me and how I express aggression now. Think I'm repeating myself here, but T repeated himself too because he said it's SO important. And I realised too. Aggression is the energy that allows you into Fight mode and fight isn't bad if you're using it to stand your ground, to defend yourself. In fact Fight is much better for me in this instance than Freeze and Flight and Fawn. Anyway, I need to go and teach.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, those are really big insights. The thought of not wanting to feel the aggression, and then the things you did/didn't do to avoid feeling it, makes sense and is a new thought for me. Thanks for sharing.

[Blueberry]

Thanks notalone, they were big insights. Glad they were helpful to you too.

I haven't written on here since then. Unfortunately not because I have been getting on with useful or helpful things. I haven't. Been roaming around the internet instead. Don't have much motivation for anything atm.

What did come up a few days ago in addition to everything is that now I've told my friend she has to decide between supporting me and supporting my parents my VVVLC with them feels irrevocable. I hadn't been considering revoking it actually, but it feels more firm now. But not in a good way. More - this seems frightening. Like 'Oh no, what have I done?' Maybe that's just shame kicking in. I know shame isn't mine though, it's theirs.

[Jazzy]

It's understandable Blueberry, take the time you need. Sometimes it is best not to push too hard. I have been thinking about you in your absence, and would like to offer some positivity.

I'm usually not one for imagery, and I don't know if this will connect with you or not, but when I read what you wrote about it seeming frightening, I thought of a baby learning to walk. I'm sure it is very frightening at first, and uncomfortable, and shaky, and not very efficient... but it is for the best, and things get better and easier with time, practice and positive re-reinforcement.

Good job "standing up for yourself", even if it was internally. I hope you're feeling better soon!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Jazzy! Your imagery is very applicable actually.     I read it yesterday and it helped.

This morning I grabbed one of my trauma healing books, not translated into English so I can't give a title. It's actually quite a simple, straightforward book with suggestions on what can help outside therapy and how to go about improving your own resilience. I was re-reading a page on the 6 Most Common Virtues: Wisdom/Knowledge; Courage; Fairness/Justice; Love and Humanity; Spirituality; Moderation. There is a list of possible examples for each virtue - 24 in all. These are referred to as strengths and the idea is to see which of these you have and then maybe narrow down to 5 to concentrate on. I find that simply reading the strengths and thinking about the ones I have and/or practise and also ones I used to practise (more) and envisioning these has helped me feel better this morning. "Better" means my posture is straighter, I feel more in my Adult, I can feel into some of my life's plans instead of simply feeling depressed and who-cares-might-as-well-go-back-to-bed.

What has helped particularly this morning: Sense of beauty (part of Spirituality). I wouldn't say the new trousers I'm wearing are beautiful exactly but they make me feel better than wearing some old ragged stuff that doesn't fit well and they probably even look better for other people. So how I show myself affects me and the world around me. Not that it's my job to improve the world around me but so long as it's not contrary to my own purposes, it's an added bonus and also part of the virtue Humanity.

So looking at these virtues and trying to include them in daily life is like an overarching goal. That's good and helpful for me when I'm feeling at a loss, as I have been recently with a friendship looking shaky, me feeling ever more estranged from FOO and irrevocably so, and going back to feeling like throwing in the towel work-wise.

[Blueberry]

Reading that book I mentioned which doesn't exist in English reminds me it's one of the books I would consider trying to translate into English (involves finding a publisher first, among other things) which in turn reminded me of my goal to sign up for a spot in translation summer school. They're still accepting early bird registrations in fact, but all the places in my language combination are gone. That isn't so surprising actually but I'm not haranguing myself over it. Just starting to look at what other resources there might be online, other online courses. The summer school was just going to be 3-4 days anyway. Undoubtedly helpful but not all I would have needed.

Recently I signed up on a completely different website where there are discussions. I've brought some of my knowledge from here to the forum (just in pretty vague terms of course) and my interest in language. I've liked quite a few posts, some of mine have been liked too. I've liked some posts and then some contrary responses to those posts too. As if saying "you have a point! But you do too!"

This evening I wrote a pretty long post about something that was getting on my nerves a bit. I got some likes on it, but also somebody replied along the lines of 'getting sick of posts like yours' and arguing some point where I think to myself that the poster just doesn't get it i.e. is incapable of understanding the difference. I logged off but I'm also managing to not get in a stew about it or think I have to convince this person. I can also live with knowing that somebody disagrees with me in a factual argument, well I can live with it so far anyway where I'm off that forum This may not sound particularly important but it is for me coming from the FOO I come from where individuating (which includes forming your own opinions and 'putting them out there') is pretty much taboo and for me as SG completely taboo. As some Ts have said in the past (it's true too): "individuation leads to BB being cut off".

One thing I know I was worried about in translation summer school was voicing opinions, discussing language. otoh it's something I'd love to do, but on the other hand it's so fraught with FOO-related difficulties for me. And now I've just done it on a forum that's not a safe space the way OOTS is       One instance is possibly not enough to help me out at the summer school (even if I had a place) but it's certainly a step forwards!

I got an email response from my friend this evening. It's not worst-case scenario, at least not on first reading. No actually not on second or third reading either. In fact she has agreed that she can say to my parents what I've requested, something along the lines of "You have to ask BB"

By the third reading I realised she just doesn't understand how telling me what my parents said to her is triangulating, not that I even used the word "triangulation", but she doesn't realise that in telling me what she does, she's not passing on facts she passing on emotions and her interpretation. "Your M is so worried, I could really hear it in her voice" is not a fact. However, this too, just like on the other forum, is not something I need to convince her of or am even capable of doing so. So my stipulation that I don't want to hear anything that my parents might say or do covers her inability to comprehend. It was actually my T who suggested I end the triangulation by setting that limit.

Her email, not being worst-case scenario, comes as a relief. I could feel the burden of who knows what slipping off my shoulders, my feet felt lighter, I was suddenly able to go back to my summer school application partly filled in. It's too late for that now, but again one reason not to harangue myself because this problem with my friend has obviously had a big effect and a somewhat detrimental one too over the past 7-8 weeks. It just shows me how much the relational aspects still have an effect. Next time I need to confront a close friend it'll be a little easier. Or if I ever had to, e.g. if I ever ended up in a romantic relationship, it would be good to be able to do so!, good to be able to set a limit and not knock myself sideways for 6 weeks.

P.S. On language - OOTS is a place where I don't let myself get too het up about language. I know my punctuation is often way off and my general language usage a bit tainted by the other language I'm immersed in, not to mention over-use of 'good' and 'bad' and other such imprecise language but here's a place where I allow my language to flow freely instead of stressing myself about it.

[Blueberry]

I realised more about this friendship issue today. It's pretty big actually. My friend didn't act like FOO - she obviously has reviewed her position! That's just not something FOO does towards me. FOO says things like "Tough-o" or "no way!" when I ask for help; gaslights in some way when I set a boundary; and isn't capable of asking for an outside opinion of anybody who might see things differently from them. So there's no change, no forward movement on their part, no possibility for really hearing my side and acting on it before they lose me. My friend has acted differently to them! There still has been a shift in the friendship but I'm seeing that as growth on my part so nothing to be self-disparaging about. I haven't replied yet so there may be a further shift.

In addition, my friend managed to really tone her language and her assumptions down! In my last email I did consider writing something like "Please say what you mean, please don't exaggerate so we can avoid misunderstandings" but I decided to cut it. But now she has done that very thing without me having to ask There's none of this "How can I possibly do what you ask??", written in what I felt to be a bit of a hysterical way. She's agreed to do it, nice and calmly, respectfully. I guess the friendship means something to her too so she's decided not to cut it completely. And of course she is more emotionally intelligent than my FOO. I don't think I have any close friends who are as remotely emotionally deranged as FOO any more. 

[Jazzy]

That's really great you have a friend like that. It sounds like you're back in the at it, feeling better than you're were. I'm glad to see it.

[woodsgnome]

  Inspired by your tale, Blueberry. Doubts, but great perseverance stemming from your deep needs to try and make this work. Hope this keeps going for you. 

[Not Alone]

In fact she has agreed that she can say to my parents what I've requested, something along the lines of "You have to ask BB"

By the third reading I realised she just doesn't understand how telling me what my parents said to her is triangulating, not that I even used the word "triangulation", but she doesn't realise that in telling me what she does, she's not passing on facts she passing on emotions and her interpretation. "Your M is so worried, I could really hear it in her voice" is not a fact. However, this too, just like on the other forum, is not something I need to convince her of or am even capable of doing so. So my stipulation that I don't want to hear anything that my parents might say or do covers her inability to comprehend. It was actually my T who suggested I end the triangulation by setting that limit.

Her email, not being worst-case scenario, comes as a relief. I could feel the burden of who knows what slipping off my shoulders, my feet felt lighter

This issue with your friend and FOO has taken a great deal of your time and emotional and physical energy. I bet you feel relief. You have worked very hard to know how to deal with this situation in a healthy way. You've stated clear boundaries. Even if your friend can't understand why you feel like you do, I glad she is able to hear and hopefully, respect your boundaries. I'm really proud of you, Blueberry.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Jazzy, woodsgnome and notalone for validating and giving me words for what I was doing
I feel proud too notalone. That's real progress. I remember mbrs on here saying they felt proud for me because I couldn't feel pride for what I'd accomplished. Now I can so thanks for helping me realise that notalone.

Yup, so much time and emotional and physical energy went on this, and then recovering from the energy drain took further time, is still doing so in fact.  Today the friend who helps me clean came over and I talked about how in some ways my exhaustion simply confirms for me that I have a specific illness and it's good that I get this confirmation from time to time, otherwise I end up asking myself if I'm not being lazy I even went back to bed this morning instead of getting on with various things. If she hadn't been coming, I might have spent all morning in bed.

I also explained to her about a particular exhaustion phenomenon I have. Normally when you have a few errands to run, you try and group them, so prepare them at home (e.g. write a small shopping list, put a letter in an envelope and address envelope) and then go out and do several at the same time (put letter in recipient's home letter box, get bank statement out of hole-in-the-wall, go to shop for couple of items). There are times like yesterday when I simply cannot do that. I opted for the letter yesterday and the bank statement a couple of hours ago, although the bank is on the way back from the letter recipient's home. Would've made sense to combine the trips yesterday but I couldn't. My cleaning friend actually understood this example and therefore my problem because she has this phenomenon herself, but to a much much lesser degree. It felt really good that she was able to validate and not say "I know what you mean but I get round it by doing xyz. Why don't you try that?" Instead she said if she had this problem to the degree I have it, she wouldn't be able to hold down a job any more either. I know what she says is genuine.

I had a bit of email back and forth with one of the coordinators of the literary translation summer course. There are 5 or 6 people ahead of me on the waiting list and only 10 spots altogether. I think it's pretty unlikely that enough applications will be turned down and/or successful applicants decide against it at the last minute, but the coordinator didn't say: "Forget it! No way!" She said that I just might be lucky. I see it that way too - not likely but conceivable that a couple of applicants are turned down and a number of others have some bad luck and get ill at the last minute (Nothing too drastic though!)  So the correspondence between us felt good. I'm not blaming myself either. I know I wasn't procrastinating when I didn't finish my application in time - there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

[Not Alone]

I'm not blaming myself either. I know I wasn't procrastinating when I didn't finish my application in time - there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

           Another thing to be proud of, that you could see the cptsd hurdles and be kind to yourself about it and not "should" yourself.

[Blueberry]

Thank you notalone 

____________________

The corona regulations have changed again - some things have tightened up and some things have got better. As of today I'm allowed to tutor in my office instead of online. I feel so relieved and happy about this   Teaching in person really makes a difference, even when I'm teaching just one person, which is always the case for me. I'm kind of surprised how relieved and elated I feel.

But now it's just occured to me that I grew up learning to put up with a lot and just stuff my feelings away. So I suppose it's no surprise that up until now I have barely noticed how much burden this aspect of the corona regulations was being. I say 'burden' because that seems to me to be an opposite of 'feeling relieved'. I'm not sure what my non-elated feelings have been. I suppose I did notice in a way but only in an intellectual way, so I'd sometimes complain that all sorts of other businesses are allowed to be open e.g. music schools for little groups of 1-5 students so why not me tutoring 1 student?? So maybe I should have (oh, there's that 'should' again) tried to find my feelings instead? otoh complaining about coronavirus regulations is what more or less everybody else around about me is doing when it impacts on them so I don't need to expect 150% better actions on my own part. That too is something FOO expected.

Yesterday I went for a cycle since I was going to the farm to work for the first time in 4 weeks. The ride was quite strenuous, but I did notice after only about 4 kilometers that things were sorting themselves out in my head. I don't even remember what conclusion it was I came to while cycling - just I guess things were slipping and fitting into place. So good to remember that. Remember little cycles help. But also remember not to 'should thyself'. Thou shalt not should thyself. Blueberry's Commandment #1. (apologies to anybody who feels that's blasphemous).

[Blueberry]

I'm not blaming myself either. I know I wasn't procrastinating when I didn't finish my application in time - there were simply too many cptsd hurdles in the way.

           Another thing to be proud of, that you could see the cptsd hurdles and be kind to yourself about it and not "should" yourself.

I didn't have time to respond properly earlier today and before that I was still letting your post sink in, notalone. Now though let me say how much your post means to me! You pointed out another reason for me to be proud of myself, a reason I hadn't even really noticed.
______________

I got up pretty late today. One reason was that realisations were coming up while I was lying in bed this morning. One: M didn't and doesn't believe in forgiving. One of her favourite punishment methods was banishment - show the child that you don't want to see it. I know it's still a favourite method of hers because she said so when my nieces and nephews were little and one misbehaved and was immediately removed from the room by a parent "That's right" said M + something along the lines of parents making it quite clear to the child they didn't want to see it and that it (i.e. the child) isn't acceptable. Today it hit me in a family where you aren't forgiven (M doesn't believe in forgiveness and F isn't demonstrative generally about things M doesn't approve of), how are you to know you're acceptable again after having done something wrong? or even after having made a mistake? Now I can feel much more viscerally how M's banishment and lack of forgiveness led me to this virulent ICr. and this very deeply-rooted belief: "I'm not allowed to make mistakes."

How can you believe deep-down that it's OK to do things your family sees as a HUGE taboo: protecting yourself, standing up for yourself, dealing with a conflict with somebody? It occurs to me rn: just plain existing. M blamed me for being born. I know intellectually that I couldn't help that and have known that since childhood! But how was I to believe, really deep-down believe that I was acceptable in a FOO who demonstrated to me that I wasn't and in a FOO who didn't believe in forgiving (M. stated often that she didn't)? No wonder there's often a pretty strong voice in me in certain types of EFs (or e.g. during some of those weeks when I was struggling with the latest friend) that suggests dying would be a good plan. This isn't really SI, except in the way that Pete Walker refers to it. It's not an SI in the sense that there's any danger of me doing it or even in the sense that anybody needs to talk me out of it. I feel pretty awful when this suggestion comes up but I presume it really is an EF, a flashing back to the emotional state of not wanting to exist, as was the case in parts of my childhood and teen years.