Moving Forwards

[Blueberry]

Now when I glance back at my previous post I'm not sure that it's quite clear to what extent banishment was the problem. Banished as a child for doing something wrong, feeling that you're being kicked out of the family group. Then not being forgiven. So not re-accepted into the family group in any kind of noticeable way. In fact, M would begrudge my re-entrance, after hours or sometimes days.

That's enough on that topic. So I can tell it's still really difficult. My forehead is going numb. I'd better go and do some regrounding before I go to bed. And/or send FOO to the moon on their rocket ship.

[Jazzy]

Wow, Blueberry... that's a huge realization. 

No wonder that your head is upset. It's really horrible that your M treated you and the others like that. Honestly, it's offensive. I'm angry with her.  There's a lot of things I want to say, but probably shouldn't. I do hope you work your way through this though. What is important is how you are feeling.

[Blueberry]

I am so exhausted. Unfortunately I can't really take any kind of break except obviously to sleep tonight. However, fortunately, a colleague is going to relieve me of some work over the next couple of days so that I'll manage my deadline on Monday. It was originally going to be Wed. Now I have to send the work by post so needs to be done earlier. 

I'm grateful this local colleague can take on some extra work atm. That'll help me avoid going crazy internally, spinning around in my head which obviously does not help me finish a contract.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am glad that your colleague has been able to relieve you of some work in the coming days.  Wishing you the best for achieving your deadline on Monday - it's tough that the deadline was brought forward like that. 

Sending you a hug, and hope you slept ok last night, as I hear that you're feeling exhausted at the moment.   
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Hope for your good wishes   

I'm managing to keep going. It has even been fun and certainly productive discussing some aspects of the work with a colleague. We are colleagues only in the sense of us both being freelancers in the same field and know each other from our professional association. We ahve exchanged work before or picked each other's brains for terminology or turn of phrase. Anyway, it's almost like when I was employed without the bad bits or a bit like having a mentor briefly. Idk how my colleague sees it, haven't asked.  I may at the end of the whole thing. She is doing me a favour, although I'll obviously give her part of the pay.

I don't have the wherewithal to respond to previous responses, further back than Hope's, but I appreciated yours Jazzy and may come back to it.

Despite working with somebody else, I'm still able to manage only about 2 hours a day of translation. Still, that's better than 30-90 minutes which is what I used to manage. I've also noticed that my translation of new, untranslated terminology is improving, which means in this case that something is unblocking in my brain

Since the day my colleague agreed to help me I've not been feeling so near to collapse and I'm able to do 'other things' e.g. tidy a bit, clean a bit, very basic self-care e.g. brush hair, brush teeth, cook simple meals. Usually when I'm translating that all goes out the window because I simply do not have the energy or wherewithal.

I had a really productive T appointment yesterday, though it left me a bit more tired than is now usual, as opposed to 2-3 years ago. But I think that was just another sign that it was productive.

Idk why this was such a revelation but it was: a feeling of resentment is not something to push away and pretend you don't have it or to be ashamed of! I wanted to write some more but have just noticed the time is flying by. I need to prepare for a student, but it was good just now to take a little here on OOTS. I feel calmer and also clearer in my head.

[Blueberry]

A revelation on how I go about setting my prices: I can't deliver quite what the client wants i.e. photos of the certified translation (it has to be stamped and signed, and stapled together so more than just computer print-out) so I offered to mail it for free AND I short-changed myself on the certifying fee while I was about it.

Of course this isn't about not knowing what to bill, it's about "Excuse me for living but the graveyard's full". It's about punishing myself for maybe not using the most modern way of working, although the new way is a bit iffy. It's not the way I learned to work and is not always accepted by the end recipients of the translations. But that's a little beside the point. The point is really: "This is the way I work and you can accept that or not." I kind of got lulled into a weak position of bargaining by the tales of client on her deceased M who used to work in this field too and her comments that the translation couldn't be too expensive because of some decision she made a number of months ago which isn't my lookout. I'm not saying it's her fault for lulling me into that, but I realise now it was probably a tactic and it worked. Trying as I write this to not feel angry at myself. I guess it would help to do a round of EFT on forgiving myself. I thought about doing that a few hours ago actually, but I went to bed instead. I am very tired and will be very glad when I get this thing done and into the post tomorrow. Keeping my fingers crossed that nothing bad happens like my printer gives up the ghost or anything.

Also, I noticed during the course of the day that one of my little pets is bleeding though I can't figure out from where - no open wounds on them, so I imagine it's some internal bleeding going on. Just the thought of that sent me to bed as well. I know that's not a very mature or responsible way of dealing with it, but I can't go to a vet's on a Sunday anyway.

ETA: some EFT done anyway on 2 related topics, with lots of yawning. I feel somewhat better.

[Blueberry]

Punishing myself - a counsellor pointed out to me about 20 years ago that my self-talk pattern was: "If you do this difficult/unpleasant but necessary task, I will then take something away from you." She pointed out it would be more usual to offer myself a reward of some sort instead, definitely not a punishment. Where's the incentive if you're going to punish yourself afterwards? Idk exactly where that comes from, probably some warped FOO thing. However that's what I think of when I think back to the price-setting I did. Punishment for not being 'good enough'? Man, this stuff is hard.

[Not Alone]

Just the thought of that sent me to bed as well. I know that's not a very mature or responsible way of dealing with it, but I can't go to a vet's on a Sunday anyway.

The burden of life with cPTSD. You needed a break from the stress. Be kind to yourself. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much notalone for reminding me. I saw your post a little while ago and it really helped me. Not just about being gentle towards myself, but it also reminded me of what my T said last week.

My T told me last week that the anger I feel towards somebody else or towards myself is provided by Mother Nature so to speak to give me the energy to take proper action in defending myself, standing up for myself in an appropriate way. Not how FOO did it - but that's not my tendency anyway. But also not swallowing the anger and berating myself for being resentful / holding grudges etc. I don't often manage to stand up for myself in the moment and it's quite OK to try it later instead. So I've been working out a proper price for the remaining translations that weren't part of the cost estimate I sent because I hadn't been sent those remaining translations yet.

I know it's not good form to try and charge more after the estimate, but this was somebody whose deceased mother was also in my professional association in an other area of the country and this talk from her was what helped me reduce my prices Though really the client should know that this work is really hard with huge attention to detail with full-scale concentration and it seems to me that putting price pressure on me was not really very kind, putting it mildly. I mean she was going on about knowing all about the pressures of the profession with clients wanting work done the day before they inquire etc. "We need this done yesterday." Typical. She didn't though. But instead she did the "It can't be too expensive." combined with "I've picked you out specially" - not hard because there are not many people in the profession round here who are English native speakers and certified. Having me in the same geographical area would generally have involved her collecting the finished work but instead I'm posting it  But again, this is something to forgive myself for. All that stuff I learned from FOO about my lack of worth sits very, very deep and although I am making progress, it seems slow-going. Seems. It isn't actually, it's just the time I need in order to heal. The sad results of cptsd.

Anyway, I feel as if I've managed to do something constructive with my annoyance. Which is a form of moving forwards Beforehand I also played some children's songs and danced around and then moved my arms around to the impulses my body was giving me. That helped too.

[Blueberry]

I sent it all off yesterday except the bill, which I still have to write and then email to client. As usual unfortunately I'm having trouble with the bill. Want to go back to bed, but that's not very constructive! So either go back into my apartment and do some more constructive things e.g. have breakfast, do a laundry to then be able to hang it up to dry while the sun shines or ground myself well in my Adult and do my bill. The latter really sounds like the best thing. At least start it

[Hope67]

   Great that you sent it off and met your deadline. 
Here's to more sunshine 
Hope 

[Alter-eg0]

 

[Blueberry]

Thank you both. I got the bill written and sent that day.

Having short-changed myself on the first part of the project, I decided to charge more for the second part. That is a bit risky of course, but I tried it and it seems to have worked because I got an email today saying both bills would be paid. 

A few days ago I finally sent M an email on her contact to my friend, especially mentioning that when she or other FOO mbrs don't respect my boundaries, I draw further back. She denied it of course. She'd phoned my friend for a completely different reason. I reiterated that she might well have contacted my friend for this completely different reason, but she also contacted her about - and then I mentioned what my friend had told me, which wasn't something my friend would have come up with on her own. Then M did remember and excused herself having forgotten with "old age".

I did take some sort of grim pleasure in finally being able to talk back, the way I couldn't as a child or even as an adult in her presence because I would get so upset, my mind would go blank, and I would just end up being bulldozed by FOO. 

Her reactions reminded me a bit of an old friend of mine who no longer is a friend because of a lot of things but in the end I felt bulldozed by her too and that she simply didn't listen to me. A lot of the end of that friendship is on Recovery Letters.

Whether or not M learns anything from this - very doubtful - for me it just feels good to finally have my say, not to have it stuck in my throat as usual.

She denied so much when I was a child/teenager e.g. the day after I was hit by B1 when I was in my mid teens and he was at university, she claimed she couldn't remember. The next day! She witnessed it all, including our dog attacking him. She forgot? I don't think so. But back then there was no point in me saying anything, I always lost the argument.

[owl25]

You're making progress! Great that you billed more for the second part, and that you'll be getting paid it 
Also great progress on setting boundaries and being able to "talk back". You are claiming your power. 

[Bach]