Moving Forwards

[Kizzie]

I could do with some empowering people around me. I know that means opening my eyes and heart to finding new people, it doesn't tend to just happen all on its own.

On that note I just wanted to let you know how much I admire your willingness and capacity to try work through  relationships with people you currently know and to look at finding new people who are positive and empowering. This feels like where I am too. 

I often find myself at a bit of a loss though as to where/how to find new people who are healthy and positive, have good boundaries, and understand that relationships are reciprocal.   

I'm thinking it might be time to find some face-to-face volunteer work (e.g., local food bank), somewhere where the people who volunteer are there because they are inherently good, decent people who care about others. Another possibility I was thinking of is trying a Meet Up group for something I'm interested in (e.g., gardening),  - there are quite a lot here as we're close to a big city.  Of course this may be a month or two yet due to COVID but I like the idea and I have more time/energy now that my H is almost fully recovered.

I hope your neighbour behaves, I totally get that it would be triggering for you 

[Blueberry]

I could do with some empowering people around me. I know that means opening my eyes and heart to finding new people, it doesn't tend to just happen all on its own.

On that note I just wanted to let you know how much I admire your willingness and capacity to try work through  relationships with people you currently know and to look at finding new people who are positive and empowering. This feels like where I am too. 

Kizzie it did me so much good to read the quotation from my post and your words yesterday!! Thank you.
Why? Because of course my ICr was back on the rampage about "BB is really so difficult, always fighting with everybody". There had also been some veiled comment from somebody in the next-door building which could be interpreted that way too. I do know I'm seen as a bit territorial and difficult, but I do have my reasons... I don't mean cptsd much. Just the hypervigilance will make me seem controlling. So other reasons that have to do with some of those other people and sometimes to do with lack of communication i.e. why don't they ask me instead of discussing with the neighbours?

Just now I'm thinking back to my first and only F/T job. For seating arrangements, I was moved into an office with somebody outside my team. He told me after a while that somebody else in his large team had said "OMG! You're going to be sharing an office with her?? She's really difficult" To which he replied that he was going to wait to get to know me before he made any judgements. He hadn't even known who I was; "the quiet one with glasses" he'd been told. We got on pretty well. The person who told him I was so difficult didn't know me at all, he'd just heard and accepted that as fact. There were a couple of women in my dept who I didn't get on with. They spread that obviously which wasn't very healthy emotionally/psychologically of them.

Anyway, that sort of thing seems to go on in these two neighbouring buildings who share a garden (UK) / yard (USA) and where there is additional overlap e.g. my apartment neighbour works for the ll next door who has a building co. and used to be our ll too. My business neighbour, the tailor, runs around smiling at everybody and chatting up the women until it doesn't get him anywhere e.g. with me. If you don't see through that, then of course I'm at fault.

This neighbour is behaving in that he hasn't turned violent on me or anything. He "got his own back" in some silly laughable way that didn't harm any person or any object. So that's fine, if that's what he needs. He hasn't cleaned the toilet yet though nor has my current ll got back to me.

Kizzie, thank you for mentioning my capacity and willingness to work through relationships It's helpful when somebody sees the positive I am doing and pinpoints it for me since I often have trouble with that.

Yes, Covid will make it harder to get to know new people in the short-term. I think I read over at OOTF that emotionally healthier people do actually start attracting other emotionally healthy people e.g. people who are good with boundaries. I'm not quite there yet. I'm still stating boundaries but not actually being able to then enforce them. I do hope you're further Kizzie, sounds that way at least with your H and S That will make an impact on the relationship skills part of your brain and then it'll be easier.

[Armadillo]

So proud of you for continuing to maintain your boundaries and needs!

Good for you for being "difficult" Everyone should be "difficult" and I hope I learn more from you in how to do that. Keep it up!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armadillo 

I think it's good if you can set boundaries without appearing to be difficult. Other people then maybe react better towards you? But anyway, I am where I am in my recovery process and I also am who I am. I guess I'm not so good at accepting that atm.

[rainydiary]

The topic of boundaries and your wonderings resonate with me as I am struggling with that big time.  I appreciate you sharing at it helps me learn and feel less alone. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you rainydiary, you sharing that makes me feel less alone. 

I have been thinking that I do go through rather a lot of phases of getting into disputes and conflicts with people. Since I obviously can't change other people, I probably do need to look at some of my own issues a bit more. I don't mean I think I should just give in. But find some way of being and acting that doesn't put people's backs up so much.

Yesterday I was reading old posts and found this on a Recovery Tools thread of Kizzie's.
This is part of one post, which made me think about my contribution in disputes:

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evans (1992) suggests the following as basic rights in a relationship for you and your partner:

    ...
    The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.
    The right to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
    The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
     
     The right to live free from accusation and blame.
    The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
               
    The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
   
    The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.

To be quite honest, I don't think I spare everybody around me all of the above. This not having a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like goes both ways. Part of it is me ever so often having these big surprises about what was not OK in FOO's behaviour when I was growing up and/or ways in which I've learnt since then e.g. it's quite OK for me to say "No!", set a limit etc. But the other part is looking at my behaviour towards others, even my business neighbour. His behaviour is far from perfect but how did I contribute to things getting to the state they are in? How can I avoid that with other people going forward? I do make more effort with people I like so as not to get into a huge dispute. People who are emotionally healthier than me probably make more effort with everybody.

Also yesterday my T said - he didn't say 'should' - but he said that the more I work with allowing my feelings to be and to evolve in a safe setting, i.e. the more I actually sit down or remain standing, ground myself well and then do my therapy exercises the easier it will become for me to automatically remain in my healthy Adult of today and not allow some Part from the past to take over. That all makes sense. But it involves doing and not just writing/thinking about it. Doing = Taking Those Concrete Steps, as in at least one of my previous Journals on here. I am rather avoidant when it comes to my therapy exercises.

I'm beginning to think (it's so hard to write this down - accountability calls!) that it's time I put more effort into my recovery. I know that sounds like a 'should' but it's actually turning into a 'want'. I want to make more of my life. I don't want to "always" be in disputes with people (of course it's not always, but I do have a tendency that way). Getting into disputes is part of my legacy of growing up in FOO and when I think about it, I keep seeing B1 as he was in some part of my childhood or teenage years. It's part of my legacy, but if I learn to stay in my healthy Adult more often then I can leave that legacy behind. Shrug it off the way a snake sheds its old skin, and move into healthier relationships in general or put out this air of 'Forget it. I'm going about my own business and I'm not fighting with you."

My T also said that when I'm consistently better grounded and more in my healthy Adult, disagreements and disputes as well as trying to clear them up will no longer be so exhausting for me. So really there are many incentives for me to work more on my recovery. If I'm honest with myself, I am slacking a bit. 

[rainydiary]

Blueberry, as I was reading it feels as if I could have written this post.  I am going through similar growing pains and find it so challenging to not be in conflict with others.  While conflict is part of our life, I would say I seem to run into it a lot and it hurts me deeply.  I appreciate your reflections - it has got my mind going and if it is ok I hope to share some of what is coming to mind.

I have been trying to notice some things.  One is myself.  I continue to be in conflict with myself and am so hard on myself, so that makes sense to me of why I put that on others too.  So I try to slow down and get curious about why I am being hard on myself.  Also today I read a line in a book called A Path with Heart by Jack Kornfield - the quote was a question: "How old do I feel inside when I react to this loss?" This work continues and I would like to ask myself this question more.

I also have been trying to notice what helps me feel more successful in my interactions with others.  As I've been doing this, I have noticed more times where I am doing just fine in my relationship with others even if our conversation is about conflict or problem solving.  I notice I have the hardest time with some folks who trigger some part of my younger self (often it relates to their size, how dismissive of my communication they are, how they approach me).  I also somehow manage to find bullies that take advantage and I haven't really figured out how to manage this as I tend to try to make it work.

I am on this journey too and wish you well.  It is tough but I can really relate to what you are saying of wanting a different way. 

[Armadillo]

BB,

Your therapist sounds wise!

I also see how challenging your situation is because you want 2 things: 1. To not be in conflict and 2. To learn to stand up for yourself and not be abused.

That part of us that tries to say "this is not ok!" is super important too. Learning how to be effective in saying "this is not ok" is so challenging and something I have not mastered. I avoid while you are tackling it head on.

[Kizzie]

Also yesterday my T said - he didn't say 'should' - but he said that the more I work with allowing my feelings to be and to evolve in a safe setting, i.e. the more I actually sit down or remain standing, ground myself well and then do my therapy exercises the easier it will become for me to automatically remain in my healthy Adult of today and not allow some Part from the past to take over.

In the exact same place BB!  My T and I are working on "dual awareness" of what from the past is rising up and layering onto the present.  In the heated discussion I had after Mother's Day with my S, I can remember literally seeing my NB's face and hearing his voice.

It was then that I needed to step back, take a breath (or 2 or 3) and try to keep the two situations separate.  I could see this afterward, once I got through the EF, but at the time I just left my "window of tolerance" and dysregulated because I was overwhelmed.  At least I can see/feel this more now, at one time I would not have seen/felt what was happening at all.

It's progress but like you the next step is getting that dual awareness in play and practicing staying in that WofT.  Easier said than done as I know you know, but it sounds like that's where we're both trying to get to.   

[Blueberry]

I also see how challenging your situation is because you want 2 things: 1. To not be in conflict and 2. To learn to stand up for yourself and not be abused.

Thanks Armadillo, that's a good summary of the situation.

[Blueberry]

After my big revelation, I went to bed and read and dozed and dreamed all sorts of stuff for 24+ hours. I have had worse reactions before when I've been at this place of realising that some things are on me and that only I can move forwards. Nobody can do that for me.

I appreciate your comments and your openness, Kizzie and rainydiary. It helps me to realise I'm not alone.

I've been putting off doing things all day - whether professional work or tidying and cleaning or therapy exercises or gardening or contacting friends with whom I'm in dispute, though they have their roles to play too. It is NOT all on me. I guess an emotionally healthier person would manage to start discussing rather than needing to emphasise that they are not 100% or even 75% to blame. It's probably more like 50/50.

otoh my ICr decided to suggest that FOO is probably right after all and I am wrong and should go grovelling back, apologising etc. Oh, there's that 'should' again. ICr. is not correct here.

What I suppose is new is that I'm no longer quite so hard on myself so it's a little easier to acknowledge where I'm going wrong and where I need to and sometimes even want to make changes.

[Jazzy]

Sounds like great progress, Blueberry!

[Armadillo]

You're right that ICr is way off base here! 

I'm glad you've been able to tell ICr that.

You push yourself really hard to be productive. I'm kind of feeling like  cheering for you on the days you don't do much.

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Jazzy.   

You push yourself really hard to be productive. I'm kind of feeling like  cheering for you on the days you don't do much.

Sometimes I give myself a cheer too, but I feel I have to be careful since my go-to method as a child and teen was giving up and not doing anything so as not to expend any unnecessary energy. I'm not that child or teen anymore. I have many more possibilities at my disposal and there is much less danger.

The other thing is: I'm in my early 50's and have been in therapy or working-on-self for over 20 years and don't want to spend the next 20 years on it the way someone I know is doing. I have only one life on this earth (that is what I believe) and I'd like to make more of it instead of tripping myself up when things seem to be going well.

And also procrastinating on the weekend means I'm up the proverbial creek today with my professional work. Parts of me could do without the added stress though I think there is at least one part who likes the stress. But I'm not sure I want to get involved with that part today.

Still, thanks for your viewpoint, Armadillo. 

[Blueberry]

Something else today. I saw another business owner from further up the road standing outside our building chatting away undoubtedly to my business neighbour and think once more I've got myself in a situation where my 'enemy' is liked by 'everyone'. I know people generally prefer a positive person and I'm seen as controlling and negative and I guess some of that is probably right. In group therapy I've often gone back to that spot and then feeling hurt by it.

I know on a intellectual level that it shouldn't bother me who has contact with my business neighbour and that more importantly it doesn't mean they have anything against me. I'm not especially outgoing so they don't necessarily stop for a chat. It shouldn't matter but it does.

Well, best plan now is to put all those neighbours plus anybody I'm presently in conflict with on a screen behind my imaginary barriers to get them out of the way so I can concentrate on my prof. work.