Moving Forwards

[Alter-eg0]

That's a hard spot do be in, Blueberry.

I'm currently finding myself removing a whole bunch of people from my social media, who are mutual connections between me and my NF. Not all of them, but in particular the ones who remain friendly with him even though they know what happened. On one hand I feel like that's childish of me, since they have no role in it and they can decidide who they wish to befriend.
They don't have to "pick a side". But at the same time...it's just icky.

[Blueberry]

Alter-eg0, the difference with me is that I have told one particular friend that she does have to choose between me and my parents. She has not chosen me, though she may not have chosen them either, exactly. She may have decided to un-choose me so to speak and not have much contact with them either.

Or maybe you mean with the neighbouring businesses, Alter-eg0? and other neighbours? Of course I haven't asked them to choose. It does feel icky.
___________________

I feel like disappearing under a rock today though I know that that won't help anything. I can hardly get on with my work though I cancelled teaching x2 and got a reprieve on the other till tomorrow.

There's a saying in my country that "you can be happy, or you can be correct" which does have some truth to it, except that when I'm not defending myself and therefore not fighting, I'm not especially happy with the way far more than my share lands on me wherever I am, unless there are set rules that are stuck to, which is not the case here. And if I just accept the way people are and the way they treat me especially in a group like at a place of work or here in the building and neighbouring garden, then I'm not happy with the way people go over my boundaries, take my things, decide the visiting dogs needs to meet my little herbivores though I said "No" etc. So it feels as if I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

Also the longer my business neighbour and I are at loggerheads, the more it drains me of energy. My demands annoy him but he's got less to lose since he doesn't seem to mind using his own exceedingly messy toilet and he doesn't have any customers who might need to use it where it might fall back on him.

So I end up feeling childish. Other people look at your behaviour in the here and now. They're not interested in the preceding 1.5 year build-up. So I look unprofessional.

Mostly I think I'm just triggered back into a position I have been in before and a position I neither know how to get out of without the whole burden landing on me again while seeing that digging my heels in doesn't seem to be helping. Along with that, I feel childish. It's so bad, it feels like SI - feeling like crawling under a rock is this need to get far away and never show my face again. There's never actually a danger of me doing anything. Well, having written that at least I now know I'm in a big flashback.

[sanmagic7]

my dear blueberry,

how upsetting that these people continue to be rude, negligent, and disrespectful to you.  honestly, i don't believe you're acting childish, even if it may feel that way.  i've always believed you've had legitimate and valid 'beefs' with these people around you, whether it's been indoors or out.  how long has this been going on!!!  not a question - i know it's been years.  sometimes i want to crawl under that rock with you - i'm so sick of horrible people, and these people are indeed horrible.  i'm just sorry you've had to battle them for so long.  what they've done and said is not ok!

i'm sending love and a hug filled with support and helium balloons to give you some uplifting energy.  i truly wish i could do more, stand side by side with you to help you take them on - again!

[Armadillo]

  blueberry. I think you are doing the right thing, too, for what it's worth.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I've been away from OOTS, so just now caught up on your journal. I think that you are being very adult in sticking up for yourself, your business and your students. This has lasted way too long. Your business neighbor continues to be rude and selfish.

           

[Blueberry]

Thank you all  It helps. Still, I seem to 'always' end up alienating other people.

[Not Alone]

Maybe if you are alienating people who are selfish or harmful, that's not such a bad thing? It sounds like you have good boundaries and those are people who are not respectful of your choices.

[Armadillo]

Blueberry...it's ok and reasonable to wonder about your role compassionately, and as you've said before, accept the right amount of responsibility, just not 100% or 75% or maybe even 50%.

But we tend to let ourselves get stepped on a bunch, right? And it's natural after we start seeing that pattern to try to protect ourselves from  being used or abused. And that's ok too.

Do what you need to do then try to put it away and not let it interfere with your day more than it needs to. Easier said than done I know that. I've let situations like that eat up my whole day or week or month or year because we feel responsible and bad or guilty or ashamed or defective in some other way. That's the trauma talking.

[Blueberry]

Thank you all for your support and your differing views to what is going on in my head or soul or somewhere.
At least I've left the SI behind me - it was only a day or maybe even just half a day of that. It took me a while to get up this morning, but once I did I didn't feel like crawling under a rock anymore. 

[Jazzy]

Blueberry, I'm sorry you are still being treated badly by so many in your life.

What you've written recently seems complex and I can't find any easy answer. I'm also quite hesitant to offer any ideas because I don't know if you appreciate that kind of input, but I really wish I could help.

It sounds to me like you are conflicted between two things:

1. Setting healthy boundaries and not allowing yourself to be hurt by others is an important and good thing to do.
2. Alienating people feels bad. I don't want to tell you how you're feeling, but it leads to me feel discouraged and ashamed and unworthy.

I wish I could give you an easy resolution here, but I don't have one. However there were a couple of things that helped me.

Increasing my self respect helped me feel better about alienating people who were chronically toxic to me. I realized that it wasn't about the people, it was about what impact their behaviour had on my health. All of those people are welcome back in to my life, if they are positive and no longer toxic.

Alienating toxic people wasn't enough for me though. I needed to replace them with nourishing people. I can put a seed in perfect soil with perfect air and pollutants at all, but it still won't grow without sunlight and water. Finding nourishing people has been challenging, but it is becoming easier. I've found that people respond to how I act myself. It's been so difficult to put myself out there, but opening up and making it a point to be highly positive has helped a lot to let me connect with other positive people. It doesn't work perfectly, people are very complex, but it has worked most of the time.

Anyway, I hope you can work this out in a way that is good for you. Sending you strength to help deal with the nasty neighbours and others.

[Jazzy]

Sorry for a second post, but I didn't express this clearly before, so I'm making a point to write it now.

I've found it very important to listen to my mind, because my sub conscious often knows better than my logic mind. Blueberry, if you think/feel that it's good to set boundaries, and you don't like alienating people, then I'm sure your mind is right. When it comes to a situation like this which seems contradictory, I find that it is often because it is more complex than I realize. I hope the "replacing toxic people instead of just alienate them" bit was helpful. It's okay if it wasn't though, hopefully you can find another piece of the puzzle that is important for you.

All the best Blueberry!

[Blueberry]

Do what you need to do then try to put it away and not let it interfere with your day more than it needs to. Easier said than done I know that. I've let situations like that eat up my whole day or week or month or year because we feel responsible and bad or guilty or ashamed or defective in some other way. That's the trauma talking.

That is certainly more easily said than done!
Thank you for reminding me that feeling bad, guilty, defective... is the trauma talking. Because those are the things I have been thinking I am since yesterday.

I've also been feeling mega-depressed.

Yes, Armadillo, I certainly get stepped on or end up expending too much energy on others. e.g. my business neighbour thought I was fine as long as I was still helping him for free. When I started setting boundaries, I was deemed no longer friendly. And because I'm apparently no longer friendly, he goes over my boundaries on purpose and/or punishes me by going deliberately out of his way to make things unpleasant e.g. his behaviour and his friends' behaviour in the shared business toilet. Then it feels like I have choice between giving in to him or continuing to leave my boundaries where they are and being bad-mouthed by half the street and certainly by almost all the other renters in this building and the neighbouring one. So they can't all be wrong and bad, right? So it must be me. otoh that probably is the trauma talking because that's what I learned in FOO too.

So in FOO, if I set B1 a boundary, my parents especially M would accuse me of all sorts of things like I wanted B1 dead. Or when my only way of showing B1 I disapproved of his behaviour to me was to stop talking to him and/or not answer his fake concerned questions e.g. "How are you?", my parents certainly reduced the amount they were talking to me. Or when I said I didn't want him to use my nickname (inappropriate for somebody doing PA to me), my parents stopped using my nickname too.

So I know with that having happened then, I'm more 'reactive' about something going on now which feels similar. It's weighing on my mind and makes it seem harder to just phone some other friend up and say "How's it going" and not talk about how I am. But to talk about how I am means to unpack all this stuff. Or I suppose I could say I'm feeling 'bleah' but don't specially want to talk about it, thank you very much. Yes, that would be good.

[Armadillo]

It's weighing on my mind and makes it seem harder to just phone some other friend up and say "How's it going" and not talk about how I am. But to talk about how I am means to unpack all this stuff. Or I suppose I could say I'm feeling 'bleah' but don't specially want to talk about it, thank you very much. Yes, that would be good.

This kind of encapsulates why people with PTSD self-isolate. The number of times I've felt just like this BB and have pulled away because of it...I think your plan sounds beautiful.  Self-care right now might look like a bit of friendly distraction with something that brings you a bit of happiness?

You have very legitimate reasons to feel upset by what your business neighbors are doing to you. 100% justified. And the rest...the parts that make you doubt yourself, that make this hang over you, that make this feel even worse.  That's all the trauma and it all makes so much sense given your FOO.

[Blueberry]

Thanks Armadillo. I'm not sure if it was self-care but after a round of teaching I went back to bed and read parts of several novels I know more or less off by heart.

You're right about the encapsulation of why people with cptsd self-isolate. No wonder I felt like back at square one today. After 20+ years of therapy.

[Not Alone]

No wonder I felt like back at square one today. After 20+ years of therapy.

You are not back at square one. A day or week or month of having a really hard time does not erase all the progress you have made.