Moving Forwards

[Jazzy]

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling mega depressed, Blueberry. Depression makes everything so much more difficult than it already is. I hope you feel better soon.

[Blueberry]

You are not back at square one. A day or week or month of having a really hard time does not erase all the progress you have made.

Thank you notalone! I really needed that reminder! I'm actually feeling better today, not so depressed, more able to get on with things. That really shows I'm not back at square one. Because in the past, especially the far distant past of square one, it would have taken me months or even years to come back up again after all what's happened in the past couple of weeks. And/or all that stuff wouldn't have even happened because I wouldn't have even been able to broach those subjects / problems with the one friend, my LL, neighbours etc. and keep working at the same time.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Jazzy, I'm feeling better already. Thank you also for your longer post and the sort of p.s. after it. Also thanks for not trying to give me a solution because I think only I can find that, especially since it is all kind of complicated and quite often I simply need time. I often forget that somehow.

[Armadillo]

it is all kind of complicated and quite often I simply need time. I often forget that somehow.

There's a lot of wisdom here in this thought BB. I'd like to keep this quote with me for a long time.

[Jazzy]

I'm glad you're feeling better already, Blueberry!

--

There's a lot of wisdom here in this thought BB. I'd like to keep this quote with me for a long time.

Blueberry is extremely wise. I've learned a lot from her too, and I still am. 

[Blueberry]

There's a lot of wisdom here in this thought BB. I'd like to keep this quote with me for a long time.

Blueberry is extremely wise. I've learned a lot from her too, and I still am. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me, especially atm with all the flack I'm getting irl.

[Blueberry]

Today I realised a sign of progress: My dreams are pretty active and FOO is in them a lot but they are either not as toxic as normal or even trying to help me. Add to that, I am able to turn their offers of help down and say that no, actually, I've chosen a different route.

Up till not so long ago, I used to have nightmares about being back in the family home that was sold a good long while ago, but where I spent the longest time and the worst years. In those nightmares I was desperate to get out but I had no idea how to leave the house and get a rental place and I had no job and couldn't get one either. Just a few nights ago I was back in that house with FOO and I wasn't running from them, the house wasn't all shadowy and I was actually sitting down with my parents talking about how to get back working. M made some suggestion of where I could look or where she could give me a leg up (that never would have happened) but I calmly stated that I was staying in my current field. And nobody tried to convince me otherwise or criticise my choice.

So does this mean FOO has suddenly changed? Sadly no. But I think it's an additional sign that I made a correct move when I told that friend: me or them. It was retraumatising for me to know I had a seemingly good friend who thought she knew more than I did about trauma recovery and all the rest of what was going on. I am back to feeling pretty depressed today, pulling back from thriving into surviving or maybe into just zoning out. but then I went into the garden - good move - and remembered the dream.

My stating in the dream that I'm staying in my own field (I was meaning the more difficult one that I have decided to give up before and then gone back to) is probably reflecting how it is that I am quite simply doing better - more able to give cost estimates i.e. it's not half so exhausting any more; more able to shrug if I don't get the job because the client thinks the job should cost half that; getting better bit by bit with the new Word version; more able to write invoices - as with cost estimates it's a lot less exhausting. Now that I think about it, that's a lot of progress too. 

[rainydiary]

 

My dreams are often places I work through things too.  This is so cool for you. 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear things are still tough, but you're doing great! Reading about your progress is extremely encouraging. I wish FOO improved, but I think that you have improved despite that.

[Blueberry]

I am reading from time to time atm but not posting much partly because of a further friendship boomerang. Then I got my second vaccine on Tuesday and have had a bad reaction so mostly lying in bed  It'll pass I'm sure but typing hurts.  to everybody esp. those in need of it

[sanmagic7]

i'm glad you're getting some rest.  take your time - you deserve it, my dear.

sending love and a hug filled with healing energy.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear it's difficult Blueberry, but I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Great job getting your second shot, too! 

Hope you're feeling better soon. Thank you for reading.  if it is positive for you.

[Armadillo]

 

I hope you feel better soon and feel sad to hear you're facing more friendship boomerangs but I I really respect how much effort you put into your friendships.

[Not Alone]

 

[Kizzie]

 

PS - Had my second shot last week and my arm felt like I'd been punched really hard.  It went away within a day or so - hope yours does too.