Moving Forwards

Blueberry · June 23, 2021, 02:18:58 PM

Thank you Jazzy and Kizzie

It's good to read your posts now and good to read them yesterday too. I zoned out all yesterday afternoon and evening. I needed to remind myself that I had done constructive things in the morning because ICr was mentioning 'wasting away the day' though not quite so virulently as on some days. But no, actually I did some general clean up and tidying in the morning and I gave my little pet her meds for the second time since Saturday, which is good going on my part. I also took all my own meds.

I have 3 emails to write, no 4 actually, and I'm stymied on all of them, so I guess it's an EF again, as you point out Jazzy, an EF when I have to write something. Though you didn't write 'have to', that was me rn. Really these are emails I want to write, but they are so difficult. The fourth is about my godson's proposed visit in the summer but I don't seem able to send it before writing to his mother about the other stuff.

There are good things atm too: I have been needing a new better bike since my own was stolen 2 years ago or so. I've found and bought a second-hand one that appeals to me. I'm a little picky about my bikes but as soon as I did a test ride I felt happier than I have for a while. I was surprised how much difference not having a bike quite to my taste was having on me. Wow. Really adding to the depression.

There's a bit of work needing to be done on this bike; I managed to haggle the price down by almost a third. All that money and more will be going to the local bike shop. Sometimes when I take a great step forward - finally deciding on and buying a bike new to me - that kind of bowls me over and I need time to recover. That seems to be part of the problem atm. This is one of the occasions where I think I simply need time.

Last week I emailed my choir director about not being sure that I'll return. She wrote back that if I want I'm welcome to come back whatever state my singing is in. As I haven't sung for almost a year apart from very occasionally to an Internet church service or to a CD, I imagine my singing performance has gone way down though possibly not back to square one.

On Sunday I went back up to the farm to do some field work where they'd asked me to. After I was back in the house there was a terrific thunderstorm, so I wisely decided to stay the night. It's dangerous cycling when lightning is really close. Sleep was brief for whatever reason so I started on the Monday morning job I used to help with regularly (but hadn't done since Covid really got going) and was soon joined by the guy actually responsible for it. I soon noticed that I've improved at it.

Not after working to improve it of course but just with time, the way things improve for me. I was less nervous, less tense. I could feel that. Though if you'd asked me a year or so ago I probably wouldn't even have noticed that I was tense because the guy I work with is somebody who doesn't stress me out per se. So I think it must be that my ICr has got less, well, critical. And/or there's other trauma healing going on. I was better able to make minor judgement calls. That's often very difficult and stressful for me. Anyway it's interesting to me - though it shouldn't be surprising - that the improvements I'm making in my own professions are being accompanied by improvement with farm work.

Not only have I got a spot on a one-day literary translation workshop in October, but I've already received the work we're all meant to do in advance. I haven't started it but I have been thinking about it and that's helping me feel a little inspired.

Blueberry · June 23, 2021, 02:21:33 PM

P.S. NTS feeling down atm does not equate to being down. There are a lot of improvements and forward movement and when I write about them, I immediately feel better.

Armadillo · June 24, 2021, 02:26:03 AM

It seems healthy to pace yourself on those emails BB.

Jazzy · June 25, 2021, 12:56:13 AM

Quote from: Blueberry on June 23, 2021, 02:21:33 PM
P.S. NTS feeling down atm does not equate to being down. There are a lot of improvements and forward movement and when I write about them, I immediately feel better.

This is a huge realization! Congratulations, Blueberry!

Jazzy <3

Blueberry · June 25, 2021, 12:50:22 PM

Despite forward movements I feel very down. In fact I didn't even get up when I was meant to TWICE today, so late for both my adult students.

You're undoubtedly right Armadillo that I need to pace myself and/or those emails.

Sometimes after a lot of forward movement and/or good things, I slump. Probably one of those times. Sometimes I just need time to come back up again. Probably one of those times too.

Armadillo · June 25, 2021, 01:58:27 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on June 25, 2021, 12:50:22 PM

Sometimes after a lot of forward movement and/or good things, I slump. Probably one of those times. Sometimes I just need time to come back up again.

This is exceptionally true for me too. I call it my psychological smackdown. It's like my subconscious thinks:
How dare you make progress or feel good! Wham! Take that! Now stay in your place before someone gets hurt.

Try to be gentle with yourself before you rush to come back up again.

Kizzie · June 25, 2021, 05:04:11 PM

I so agree with Armadillo BB. It's an ongoing struggle so many of us seem to have with an Inner Critic that thinks it still needs to protect us in case we get too comfortable and aren't ready for the next take down as we're trying to move forward into better things.

Jazzy · June 26, 2021, 01:47:28 AM

I'm sorry you're feeling down Blueberry, but I love your positive attitude about how it will get better soon!

One thing I've found is that I have been treated so badly for so long, is that I began to expect that good feelings can never last, and disaster is just around the corner. Then I begin to feel bad in expectation of that coming again. Most of this is sub-conscious, but it is there nonetheless.

I hope you're feeling well again soon! Until then, I hope you find some rest and peace.

<3 Jazzy

Blueberry · June 26, 2021, 07:16:05 AM

The underlying problem atm is not knowing where I'm going with one particular friendship. There's one part of me saying "Forget it. You've discussed enough with said friend. Just phone and continue as if everything's OK." There's another part saying "She doesn't understand so she's going to hurt me again. And I'm really mad. How is it OK for her to say all these bad things to me and then talk about what's normal in a friendship??" Then there's my ICr talking in the voice of B1, saying "You're not normal. Why can't you be normal?"

When I read that now, it's the second part who needs my attention. Because that's me. The other parts are being dismissive of me and my thoughts and feelings. Well, at least I have some clarity now.

Blueberry · June 26, 2021, 12:02:56 PM

However, I haven't been paying that part much attention. Just been roaming around the Internet e.g. websleuths (missing children), news (not much good) and earlier eating. Also looking up some information for a student. Something I didn't know in the lesson I taught yesterday. Oh yes, and pulling my hair out. Well, I was going to go up to the farm and kill off potato beetles so I suppose that would be better than most things I'm doing atm.

Jazzy · June 27, 2021, 04:16:06 AM

This is deep difficult stuff. It's no wonder you feel resistance to it. I'm very impressed that you identified the true you throughout the mess of ICr and dismissive thoughts.

I hope that you can relax a bit soon... not just distract yourself, but actually relax. I find that is where my best progress is made.

I'm glad you have found clarity, and I hope this leads to further goodness!

<3 Jazzy

Armadillo · June 27, 2021, 05:56:05 AM

That's really good strong clarity. BB. It isn't ok for your friend to hurt you. You are exceptionally kind to continue trying to help your friends do better. You're right! You're not "normal" you are kind and tenacious. It is good to stand up for yourself.

Not Alone · June 28, 2021, 01:08:35 AM

Jazzy · June 28, 2021, 09:46:05 AM

Hi Blueberry,

Thank you for all of the times you have mentioned that "shoulds" are not good. This morning when I was reviewing my notes to myself, I noticed it said "you should...". Upon hearing this I thought of you and how important it is not to tell yourself what you should be doing.

So I updated my note. Now instead of telling myself what I should be doing, I ask myself if I want to be doing things right and looking for ways to improve. It is still a leading question, so perhaps not perfect, but I like it much more than "should".

Thank you for being a positive influence in my life!

--

Recently I have been colouring people's names, as I find it a very positive and healing thing. Would you like me to continue colouring your name as well? If so, which colour would you like me to use? It can be any colour you want!

<3 Jazzy

Blueberry · June 29, 2021, 08:32:15 AM

Thank you all for comments and validations.

I feel like giving up quite frankly. Not that I will. In fact I finally had a shower and washed my hair this morning. So that was some self-care I have trouble with that I've finally done.

I've been off in the Land of Flashback or probably I'm still there. Where does it get me?

What if my friends IRL are right? I really am this bad? My T doesn't see me functioning IRL, nor does anybody here. In my early 50's going on 85, or at least that's what it feels like.

Good things: my roses are blooming, I went on a bike ride on Sunday with a group. I have a doc appointment in a couple of hours. I have a potential buyer for the bike I no longer ride. At least I no longer want to give up to the extent of heading into inpatient therapy for weeks. Which does NOT mean that other people shouldn't go that route, it's just I've done enough of it before that healing at home with real life problems is where I really think I should be at. I'm using 'should' consciously here.

_________________________________
A nice natural green if you like, Jazzy.