Moving Forwards

[CactusFlower]

  Seconding! Taking a break isn't always easy for us to do for ourselves, but we sometimes need to recharge. Glad you were able to do things you liked.

[Blueberry]

After having a good read in here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=13870.0, I decided to turn down a small translation project I'd inquired about.

That fits quite well with the fact that I really needed a break just a couple of days ago and I'm still teetering. I know I'm teetering when certain things are really difficult. Shower? Get dressed in nice-looking, age-appropriate, faintly feminine clothing? Take my meds? Clean and tidy in apartment and/or office? All difficult.

Also I've been noticing for a few days that I can't come up with the words I need, especially when teaching. Trying to translate in this state is setting myself up for a huge struggle that's just not worth it. So I'm glad I figured that one out.  I was on the old bent of: not much professional work atm so better (as in 'should') take on some more instead of all those other small non-professional things I was planning to get on with. Then realised that those small non-professional things like washing the dishes, washing one final window, going for a little cycle every day, cutting back part of a bush that's covering my window etc etc etc are exactly what I need atm to help me get back on track, find those words I keep losing etc.

Also there is a pretty long list of difficult things that need to be done which I don't want to procrastinate any longer. In some cases, something or other has come up making it a good time to deal with these long-not-done things now, rather than putting them off again. So although earning more of my own living is certainly a goal, I need also not forget the healing steps I need to make in other areas. They are important too!

[BeeKeeper]

Blueberry,

Thank you for posting and providing the link to the backstory. Yikes! The choices between version A or B, client preference, monetary gain, etc, are so familiar. I know this is not what your current post is about, but wanted to send a nod of acknowledgment for those thoughts. Here's a nugget which I really like:

Though I do remember 2 ways in which I might help myself: remind my ICs and Inner Teens that they run off into their play-and-relax spaces and leave the work to the Adult in me AND put FOO behind their dark bullet-proof screen and send them to the forests of northern Scandinavia.

I wanted to speak to two issues; difficulty in word finding and procrastination.

Word finding: totally relate to this and notice how it's changed over time for me, Some appears to be age related, some stress related and some I think, for myself, is that more of my brain has been engaged with c-PTSD healing, processing, and therefore, that energy is diverted away from my previously specific word choice. Especially when writing! At least then, there's an opportunity to pause, search the memory banks and hopefully come up with the target word, or one that's close enough. I resort to using an online thesaurus occasionally.
Don't forget to allow leeway for the unseen ways in which your brain has coped with virus-stress-world upside down lifestyle changes for a prolonged period of time. These are ways that you are not "losing it" but rather "preserving" more vital function, like making decisions and keeping yourself afloat functionally. Sometimes we just can't have it all, but we can accept new "having."

I believe I am qualified to speak about procrastination. For the majority of my life, I've been invested in the idea of organization And up until 2014 or so, I fulfilled that goal. Caretaking intensity led me to abandon myself and as a result, procrastination crept in, first slowly, softly, then adamantly and without negotiation. I have a decade of business receipts and files which need a purge badly and it's ignored every day! A lesser example: I am now just finding the chops to work on a Birthday photo collage commemorating an event 3 years ago. My grandma halo slipped!

So, here's what I did/am doing. This refers to all those writers out there that give professional advice too. Little by little, bite off a chunk, digest and see how it sits with you. It may not sit well, in which case, take time to identify why not. In my case, the layout was "eh" and I finally got up the courage to change it. Then, I did a trial and let it sit for a couple weeks where I saw it every day. After that, I knew I "had" it and it is only a matter of doing the hard part now, cleaning off my construction space, getting out my tools and finishing it up.

In summary: the process goes like this: trial, simmer, identify, decision. Repeat.

I believe in the priority of healing, since without that, the wheels spin.

[Blueberry]

Huzzah! My business neighbour needs my goodwill. My immediate spontaneous internal reaction was to give him the help he needs because I'm actually generally quite a helpful person. But then I didn't I got bargaining with him and because we had a witness who is not totally on my business neighbour's side in the form of a real electrician doing work for my neighbour (as opposed to one of his zillions of friends doing it on the sly), my neighbour toned his behaviour down, actually listened to me (instead of interrupting me and then running away, swearing under his breath).

So bargaining: What are you going to do for me in exchange?
There are a number of steps involved in my actions of goodwill. For the first completed this evening, I've already got him to remove a hindrance one of his handyman friends planted next to my bicycles in the shared storage room. Recently when I mentioned it he started screaming "Is this your room? It's your room. Then clean the whole room! Look at that mess on the floor." and then he stormed off. Today he claimed he's such a nice guy and he would do anything to help me. So I requested the removal of the hindrance (which can only be done from inside his business premises, pulling it back through the wall). It was done in 2 minutes. I was pleased that the electrician remarked to me that the work had been shoddily done and that the hindrance never ought to have been left hanging through the wall in the first place. It's a validation that I'm not a crazy person with totally over-the-top requests, the way my business neighbour and one other person in the building are currently claiming.

There will be further steps and further bargaining. One more step will be tomorrow evening and I've already requested that for that to take place my business neighbour has to clean the shared toilet seat.

It's like a weight being removed from my shoulders, at least for the moment. I don't have any reason to trust this business neighbour based on his actions over the past 2 years, but at least for now I don't feel completely and utterly powerless. This powerlessness, this trying this way and then that way and whatever I do I'm met with blank refusal is pretty triggering to me. Of course these current people aren't FOO but their behaviour is similar especially to B1.

I'm really glad I didn't follow my natural leaning and help right away! The way I have chosen is empowering! It means I can take action instead of just reacting to people who manipulate and lie, and often unfortunately don't even know what they're talking about, i.e. never read the finer details of the rental agreement.

[Blueberry]

I believe in the priority of healing, since without that, the wheels spin.

I like this! It is still a struggle for me to give active healing my priority but maybe this little gem of a sentence can help me. 

I ought to have put 'procrastination' in inverted commas because when I don't get on with things, there's actually a reason behind it, often just that what I want to achieve is 'too much' for some reason and/or I'm 'shoulding' myself which is never good for me.

Difficulty in word-finding is just one of various signs that I'm still somewhat EF-y. There are actually concrete reasons from the emotional/psychological trauma and what I choose to call intellectual trauma from my childhood and later which help me lose my words. I don't just occasionally use thesauruses or dictionaries online, I use them all the time to jog my memory. That's partly why translation is such a struggle and why it is so good that I turned a job down today.

Thanks for the reminder of the stresses of virus-stress world-upside-down and the effect that's likely to be having, BeeKeeper. It is good for me to get those kinds of reminders since my ICr helps me forget that kind of thing

[Snowdrop]

Hooray for bargaining! That sounds so empowering.

Difficulty in word-finding is just one of various signs that I'm still somewhat EF-y.

It's exactly the same for me. I sometimes have to change what work I do at certain times because of it.

[Blueberry]

Thank you for responding Snowdrop. It helps me to know that you have trouble finding words sometimes and that you even have to change the work you're doing on account of it. It always helps me to know that somebody else with cptsd knows where I'm coming from and really gets it!

The bargaining is continuing. It's not as if I've never thought of bargaining before, in fact I have done so on a once-off occasion with this man before. But this time I have the leverage because he wants permission from me to share something from my business that is vital to his business.

My stipulation for the next step today was that he clean that disgusting toilet seat. He didn't. And even when I pointed out the parts of it that desperately needed cleaning (I'll spare everybody the details), he said "That's normal." which I've heard from him before. I contradicted as I have often done before: "No, that is not normal!" He wants something from me so he couldn't resort to his usual of running away swearing. I 'invited' his electrician to check out the toilet seat too and he knew that the state of it wasn't OK, I could see that in his facial expression. But I even asked him too: "Would your wife accept that?" No, he freely admitted, she wouldn't. And yes, he could understand that I've had complaints from students both children and adults. He said it's a little embarrassing to be asked, but I'm beyond caring about that. The one who ought to be embarrassed is my business neighbour. 

I stuck to my point - the toilet seat had to be cleaned before the electrician could start his work. All of a sudden the seat was as pristine as it could ever get - for the first time since December lockdown.

The next bargaining step is to arrange for my business neighbour to access this thing he needs from me permanently. This evening was just checking whether it's going to function at all. Since that is going to involve him paying me for the electricity he needs to run a specific machine, I want this in writing and he needs to write the contract. Of course I will check it is correct otherwise I won't sign it, but the work has got to be his. AND my other stipulation is that the rules on who cleans where in the business areas are written out formally as a contract. Because the electrician was standing there saying "Yes, of course that's quite normal", my business neighbour couldn't wriggle out of that one. He did try of course. It was quite amusing actually. All of a sudden he started speaking really badly, really incorrectly. Jumbling up his words, stuttering and stammering. Not a new 'trick' - probably lots of people who live in a foreign country do it from time to time . I've done it too, I admit. You don't want to do or explain something? You pretend not to understand. Simple. Since I know the trick, I didn't fall for it. I even pointed it out to him. 

Afterwards I felt rather jumbled up inside. I still don't know what's going to happen exactly. My business neighbour wants to contact LL after all and I'm worried I might have some fight on my hands with him. He can't legally but I still wouldn't put it past him to try and force me to allow the electrician to attach business neighbour's machine to my power outlet and meter. LL is a slippery fish and plays his tenants against each other. Probably a narc in fact. But I went into the garden with my little furry lawnmowers (first sun for days) and did some gardening in a rather scatter-brained way. It got better though which means I was managing to re-sort and then ground myself.

After not getting up early this morning, I did manage to do more bits and pieces and even a few pretty difficult things during the course of the day. I really think that's because of feeling empowered from yesterday instead of disempowered. I know people say that your feelings are your own, you can decide to feel them or not, nobody else makes you feel them etc. but maybe that doesn't count when you're triggered? For me it's very difficult not to feel disempowered with all the stuff that goes on in this building. How can you feel strong when people are chipping away at you? Kind of a rhetorical question.

[Armadillo]

I love how you are standing up for yourself here and also howbyoubarr calling bs when it needs to be called.

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armadillo

I spent most of today on this topic, first writing to LL with my version of various events and situations and then sending a few of the choice toilet photos I have as well as a few testimonials. That took several hours. That's just how it is for me. At least I finished it all, one by one and sent them. Actually no "at least" about it. It's really good that I managed that all in one day. In the past, correspondence to LL would take weeks, months or not even get done, and whether or not completed, I needed help from other people. This time not. 

After completing and sending my emails, I phoned LL to make sure he had received them (since he doesn't respond or even acknowledge receipt) and I was lucky that his wife and secretary answered the phone because she doesn't seem to behave like a narc. She doesn't say "Yeah, yeah, yeah I'll deal" and then not do so. She doesn't say "If you're going to be difficult (asking for something that is my right to get as a tenant), then I'll be difficult too". All this "If you're going to be difficult..." stuff is very triggering because I got punished in FOO for making basic requests, like being treated fairly, being protected from B1 etc. I didn't just get punished, it would be held against me too. That seems to be what LL does. And then all the usual like the other person (business neighbour or B1) being believed over me because ??. Maybe because I tried to stand up for myself by requesting something that is my right as a tenant? But wife-and-secretary isn't that bad.

It also turns out that business neighbour is not allowed to add his machine to any power outlet because the necessary voltage is beyond the capability of the electrics in the building. I also happen to know that in this country a tenant can't just go and change that kind of thing without speaking to LL first, normally. Business neighbour is very charming when he needs to be, in order to get something, so I do have this big worry that he will charm LL and get what he wants. So far it has worked too. LL and wife-secretary had a talk with him after my letter of complaint from about 7 weeks ago (the one that was basically written by my T) and apparently he was very nice and friendly and promised he would clean and there would be no problems and certainly he didn't have any problem with me    So secretary-wife said today: "So he hasn't been telling the truth." Correct, he has not. She even went further than me - I stipulated that he has to make sure his visitors don't leave a total mess in the toilet or 'forget' to flush it. She said that since he is registered as a one-person business, his friends do not belong in his shop every day and certainly not in the toilet. My students are allowed to use the toilet obviously because they come for 45/60/90 minutes. It's a different type of business. She said that of her own accord too. I didn't have to explain it.

At first she wasn't "sure" when she and LL could resolve the situation because LL will be away on a business trip next week (seem to be a fairly regular occurence with him though his business is very local) but then after talking further with me, she said she (and maybe LL too I didn't quite catch that) are coming for a talk with me and my business neighbour at a specific time next week and I'm not to let my neighbour know in advance. It's going to be a surprise for him

Business neighbour knows he can't charm me. He still keeps trying, when it's really important to him. But he knows I see through it and that makes him mad. But it also makes me mad that so many people don't see through it and think I'm the devil incarnate. Some of the worst people on earth/in history were very charismatic.

[rainydiary]

As I was reading your post, individuals that treat me in the manner you are experiencing with the LL and the neighbor came to mind.  It is so challenging to not be believed and told we are making a big deal.  I hope that you have a resolution that works for you. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks for validating rainydiary and for your good wishes. It seems as if some sort of resolution is on the way. It may not be perfect, I may need to make some concessions too, but it does sound as if I have finally been heard and believed on the toilet issue. I'll see what happens on Tuesday. I will also be preparing for it mentally and emotionally.

[Snowdrop]

I went into the garden with my little furry lawnmowers

This phrase makes me smile every time I think of it.

Fingers crossed for Tuesday. I'm glad you were heard and believed.

[Not Alone]

Blueberry, I'm so proud of you continuing to stand up to your neighbor very directly, strongly, and using wise methods.

I'm really glad I didn't follow my natural leaning and help right away! The way I have chosen is empowering! It means I can take action instead of just reacting to people who manipulate and lie, and often unfortunately don't even know what they're talking about, i.e. never read the finer details of the rental agreement.

[Blueberry]

What if my friends IRL are right? I really am this bad? My T doesn't see me functioning IRL, nor does anybody here.

My friends IRL aren't right.

Yesterday I was writing a further email response to friend no. 2 saying, among other things, that now that I know the attitude problems of mine she objects to have nothing to do with anything towards her son, my godson, but with the way I act towards: 1) my FOO, 2) friends (other than her apparently), 3) neighbours and 4) even clients (+ possibly ex-employers or people at the farm - slightly difficult to tell from the word she's using) - excuse the run-on sentence - anyway now that I know that, my initial internal reaction was that it'd be easier to visit my godson again at their place than I had been envisaging. I had imagined the attitudes of mine she objects to would be directly to do with my own behaviour at their place and knowing a bunch of that would just make me very self-conscious. Having spent my childhood and adolescence and early 20's in a mostly self-conscious state due to FOO, that would be a very painful, sad state for me to get back into for a few day's visit.

But yesterday while I was up at the farm walking through the rows of potato plants looking out for potato beetles and their larvae and ending their little lives poor things, I felt more deeply into this issue. It's really a case of  Head-shaking. Atm I'm still not quite feeling. I feel perplexed more than anything else, but I know my T would remind me that perplexed is not a feeling per se, but more something from my mind. I imagine some part of me is protecting me so far from feeling the emotions behind all this. They are likely pain and anger. I think I feel betrayed as well but that is as yet more a thought than a feeling.

Betrayal is partly because this is a friend who has asked me a lot about my past and sometimes probed further than I now would talk about, into details, and I'd explain. And she's now questioning my treatment of FOO??!? What about their treatment of me??

*** TW CSA ***


I think I mentioned further back that she'd asked details on the CSA done to me and then decided at some point that that couldn't actually be CSA because one part of the CSA done to me is something small children do to each other too. Actually, they don't quite do what was done to me and rn it's occurred to me that one reason why what was done to me is SA is the very fact that it was done by somebody with power over me. Abuse of power. I think if it had been done by another child playing doctors or if 2 little kids had been doing it together it probably wouldn't have had all the repercussions it has had. Not that I'm saying that two 4 yr-olds playing doctors is necessarily harmless, it will depend on the situation. Like whether an adult abuser made them do it or are they both genuinely just playing in an unsupervised moment. I think also that the sexualisation that was palpable to me as a child, that even came through looks, wouldn't occur between 2 children if what they were doing was genuinely harmless and neither of them had been sexually abused before that. Enough of further realisations on CSA.

*** End TW ***

I feel stunned that somebody who thinks she's a friend can have so much against me - objections to the way I treat 4 different groups of people though apparently not really her own FOC, and especially not her youngest son, my godson. I presumed that she was worried about when I was going start treating my godson in the ways I apparently treat other people but she's negated that. "No! It was never about him!" Very weird. Why make all these objections and complaints when it's to do with other people that she's not related to or even friends with?? I'm guessing there must be some codepency or even projection going on with her? Not that it will help to say so.

I have a psych doc appointment in 2 days. He condemned the behaviour of friend no. 1 towards me but doesn't yet know about friend no. 2. I imagine he's likely to say similar things. My T has been on holiday and my next appointment with him is next Thursday. I'm obviously getting stronger and less prone to feeling all-over-the-place because I don't have any thoughts like "How on earth am I going to manage to survive as far as my next appointments?" I'm doing OK. I slept well and long last night apart from lying awake between 2 and 3 AM but then I did a little EFT, yawned a lot, and fell asleep again. I also had a couple hours this afternoon

[Jazzy]

I am so glad to see your progress here, Blueberry. 🙂

No one gets to dictate The truth of your life But you! Of all people, your so-called friend 2 certainly does not.

I am especially happy to see you declare this confidently with bolded text.

The changes not only in your Time in bed, but your attitude towards it are clear signs of your continued improvement.  Well done!