Moving Forwards

Blueberry · July 13, 2021, 10:22:59 AM

Quote from: Blueberry on July 08, 2021, 10:05:16 PM
It seems as if some sort of resolution is on the way. It may not be perfect, I may need to make some concessions too, but it does sound as if I have finally been heard and believed on the toilet issue. I'll see what happens on Tuesday.

Very much 'not perfect'. LL's secretary-wife didn't turn up at the appointed time, which is now almost two hours ago. Eventually I phoned their office but the phone just rang for a while and then jumped onto fax. So much for finally being heard and believed. It does feel like a let-down. I invested time and effort this morning too and I can't work efficiently when I'm expecting a meeting/discussion of this type in the next minutes / quarter of an hour / half an hour...
I'm also not totally surprised so it's not a huge let-down.

LL and his office back to no show and then probably excuses if I inquire.
Ho hum. What's the next step? Galvanise energy for that...

Blueberry · July 13, 2021, 08:29:29 PM

from 2 till 8pm then managed to get to choir practice 45 minutes late. But at least I went at all.

Sleeping like a log for so long with strange dreams weaving in and out - I must have been processing some things. Stuff with friend no. 2, the let-down from LL / his wife-secretary, the memory I can tie that to from my childhood, then last week there was what I feel to be a power problem/put-down of me in a bike advocacy group. There was a similar problem about 2 years ago that I spoke up about but I see the problem has not gone away... All a bit much atm. Hence

rainydiary · July 13, 2021, 08:43:54 PM

I hope the sleep is helpful - it sounds like you are sorting out a lot. Thinking of you.

Blueberry · July 14, 2021, 06:53:51 AM

Thank you rainy diary

Last night was similar - deep sleep despite 6 hour 'nap' in the afternoon.

I think of san commenting in another Journal of mine that sleep is very important to recovery. I'm allowing myself sleep.

Yesterday I read way back in some old Journals of mine, like from 1.5 to 2 years ago. I see so much recovery since then. So much more stability. So poo on 'friends' who can't see that.

I also see same pattern of behaviour from LL that his wife-secretary is now doing.

Hope67 · July 14, 2021, 06:18:42 PM

Quote from: Blueberry on July 14, 2021, 06:53:51 AM
I'm allowing myself sleep.

Yesterday I read way back in some old Journals of mine, like from 1.5 to 2 years ago. I see so much recovery since then. So much more stability. So poo on 'friends' who can't see that.

Dear Blueberry, This is great, and I am glad you see your progress. I see it too - I hope it's ok to say that, as I feel like I've been alongside you in these past few years on the forum. I've noticed recovery in you, and progress too.

I'm so glad you have more stability, and I think 'poo on your 'friends' who can't see that'

Hope

Blueberry · July 15, 2021, 07:47:22 PM

Thank you Hope

Yes, of course it's great that you tell me you see progress. I feel that way too, that we've been alongside each other on the forum. I know we both started writing here around the same time

and often read and commented in each other's Journals or on other threads. I read a little less in general now, but still enough to realise you're making progress with your recovery too

___________________________

I'm still so tired, it's incredible. I suppose it could be partially the weather. It's been a bit muggy today, otoh it was colder yesterday. Actually a few hours ago I was feeling cold so it probably is somelow-level EF reaction. Not surprising considering everything going on in the last while.

I phoned LL's wife-secretary today, I had to try multiple times but eventually got through. She 'forgot' the appointment on Tuesday. It took her a while to make a half-hearted apology, in which she said 'nothing personal' or something to that effect. Yeah right. I'm actually not being paranoid - that is the way she treats me. She doesn't let me know things, she doesn't acknowledge receipt of an email even though I ask for it and it's hardly an arduous activity. However, I suppose that's part of her tactics with me and/or others and I'll have to put up with it. Maybe phone them more often and 'bug' them to get them moving. Though I'm nervous about doing that too. But less nervous than I used to be.

During the time I couldn't get hold of LL's wife-secretary, I contacted the Tenants' Rights Association and have a phone appointment with them next week, which is fast! Usually you have to wait a number of weeks. So lucky in that. And although I then was able to finally make contact with LL's wife-secretary, I'll be keeping the TRA appointment because I don't trust LL or his wife-secretary to go through with what they've promised. So it's best to describe the scenario and find out what I can do when in what order, like threatening to reduce my rent again but also most importantly getting the TRA lawyers to put pressure on LL.

I'm looking into actually going away on holiday for 5-7 days in August. I don't know when I was last on holiday that wasn't visiting friends, visiting FOO or on either a working holiday or healing retreat. What I'm mostly thinking about though is how years and years ago I'd often be with FOO at their place and in the last 10 years I'd be making time to visit my godson and planning round that. I realise now how I need to give myself time to go on holiday where I'm doing things I want to do at my pace and I'm not having to look after anybody else or take heed of other people's wants and needs. I know that sounds kind of selfish, but it's the truth. I need this.

I'm planning a cycling holiday. I do have money stashed away to help me pay for accommodation. Theoretically I could stay at a backpacker's hostel or similar, but just in order to save money? That's just not my thing anymore. I need peace and quiet and my own space, and certainly a few days where everything's provided and I can just be. So paying is worth it for pure holiday. Cycle, look at and wander around special gardens open to the public, go wading or maybe even swimming in a lake.

Snowdrop · July 15, 2021, 08:35:53 PM

That sounds disrespectful of LL's wife-secretary, and you are worthy of respect.

QuoteI realise now how I need to give myself time to go on holiday where I'm doing things I want to do at my pace and I'm not having to look after anybody else or take heed of other people's wants and needs. I know that sounds kind of selfish, but it's the truth.

It doesn't sound selfish at all, Blueberry. It sounds perfectly reasonable, and I hope you have a lovely time.

Jazzy · July 16, 2021, 02:20:14 AM

This is all so great Blueberry! I'm especially happy that you are learning to recognize how people treat you and how you are feeling.

I know what you mean about feeling selfish, it's looking after yourself, maybe it is a bit selfish. Looking at yourself isn't bad though no matter which word you use. Good job looking after yourself!

I hope you don't have to put up with landlord much longer, they are incredibly disrespectful and it hurts just reading how they treat you.

I hope your holiday is exactly what you need.

<3 Niko

Blueberry · July 17, 2021, 09:08:32 PM

Quote from: Snowdrop on July 15, 2021, 08:35:53 PM
That sounds disrespectful of LL's wife-secretary, and you are worthy of respect.

QuoteI realise now how I need to give myself time to go on holiday where I'm doing things I want to do at my pace and I'm not having to look after anybody else or take heed of other people's wants and needs. I know that sounds kind of selfish, but it's the truth.

It doesn't sound selfish at all, Blueberry. It sounds perfectly reasonable, and I hope you have a lovely time.

Thank you so much for all of this, Snowdrop

For reminding me I'm worthy of respect. For telling me my holiday plans don't sound selfish, but perfectly reasonable.

I was thinking that if you have children then you have to look after them and take heed of their wants and needs. But just because I have a godson whose mother has gone a little weird with respect to me and my needs doesn't mean I have to feel bad about taking a holiday which most parents with children under 18 yrs would be incapable of taking. I don't have children. I need a holiday the way I've described. End of story.

I can't go on holiday before August.

rainydiary · July 17, 2021, 10:55:19 PM

I am glad that you are finding an opportunity to take a holiday.

Blueberry · July 19, 2021, 10:19:06 AM

I hope so, rainydiary. atm planning it seems to be too much.
Yesterday was a lovely sunny day and it was quiet in the garden which is not always the case. Nonetheless I lay in bed all day. I could have at least spent part of the day in the garden with my little furry lawnmowers, or even without them if that was going to be too much for me. But apparently even going into the garden was too much. I lay in bed all day dozing and reading. I then didn't get up today to do various things before teaching.

I feel sad but I don't know why.

Armee · July 19, 2021, 02:49:58 PM

Just sending you some big hugs on this day that feels sad.

Snowdrop · July 19, 2021, 08:07:39 PM

A hug of comfort from me as well.

Blueberry · July 19, 2021, 08:14:09 PM

Thank you Armee

I had to follow my own rule-of-thumb today and that was: go back to bed and stay there till I was able to get up again.

The sadness: some sort of EF and/or connected to cleaning the business toilet (was genuinely my turn). Really I should have done it on the weekend but I didn't manage till this evening (Monday). I only managed because I went into some semi-dissociated state where I still am. As usual I don't want to feel into it.

I had a few things planned for the last days of the Get On Your Bike Weeks, which end Wednesday at midnight. Maybe I'll go up to the farm tomorrow to do the work I ought to have done on Sunday. otoh it's possible LL and/or secretary-wife will come. But I don't want to hang around extra specially in case they come and then they don't, the way she didn't despite setting a time and date last time.

I think I'm also beginning to feel sad re the latest friend who decided to de-bunk (mother of my godson, not a new one). It's undoubtedly good that feelings are beginning to come a little, but that doesn't mean I necessarily enjoy them coming.

I feel in desperate need of a holiday but school doesn't finish till a week on Wednesday, and there are quite a number of things I need to do by then. In addition, I can't go on holiday unless I actually plan and book it.

Blueberry · July 19, 2021, 08:23:39 PM

Thank you Snowdrop!

At least I went into the garden this evening, after cleaning the t. Also this morning, actually, to pick grass etc for the little furry lawnmowers. Daytime atm is far too hot for them outside.

One evening primrose has started to bloom and my common teasel as well. The teasel sowed itself last year and I waited till this year to see what it would turn into. It's huge but apparently its flowers very good for insects and the seeds good for a particular bird in autumn. So I've left it in.

More of my blackcurrants are ripe as well as some of my redcurrants, mini strawberries continue to ripen and the raspberries are starting. I mostly go into the garden and munch away

I feel better already from writing about the pleasant aspects of my garden.